How do I break with with a great guy?

[collegemuse]

Me and M knew each other from college. I'm now a senior and he graduated last year. We started hooking up last october - almost a year ago. He was just coming out of a 3 year relationship (he broke up with her because he wasn't in love anymore) and I had been broken up with a few months before also. I had been over my ex by then, but I was in NO rush to have another boyfriend. So we had a friends with benefits relationship.

 

The sex was great and we actually became best friends. He was nice, funny and loved just staying in and eating and watching movies with me. And there wasn't commitment!

 

His ex was a psycho, though, and wouldn't leave him alone. It made me jealous...I hated her and I became resentful towards him for it. Every time they hung out (we all lived on the same floor of the dorms-talk about awkward-and he wanted to have a decent relationship with her so he was nice about it) I would flip out. I am very, very proud.

 

Eventually he started feeling weird things for me too, (was obvious when we went out and he flipped out when a guy dance with me) so we decided to become mutually exclusive. In April, he told me he loved me and it was the most unexpected but amazing night - we had the best sex I've ever had and I obviously said I loved him back. So I guess that made us boyfriend-girlfriend.

 

He is probably the best boyfriend I've had. He's the kind of guy who brings you soup when you're sick, massages you after a long day, puts up with your bizarre beauty routine involving putting eggs on your hair for protein (and even suggesting other natural bizarre recipes for soft hair) , etc. It was really fun. I met his family and they liked me. I don't bring people to my family, though. I expect a real commitment for that step.

 

Thats where I went wrong I guess. I never really looked at it as a real commitment. He's incredibly smart - going to med school - kind, funny, etc. But I just never looked at him that way.

 

In June I left to study abroad. We spoke every day in the beginning, and he CAME ACROSS THE ATLANTIC TO VISIT ME FOR 10 DAYS. When he was there, I kind of...was uneasy. That's a huge step. I was so grateful that he came but it was...weird?? But wow, what a great thing for a boyfriend to do.

 

While with me in Germany, he was incredibly annoying and embarrassing. First of all, he gained a LOT of weight. He didn't do **** all summer but eat and watch tv and I find that gross - I lost the respect I had for him. He was always the laziest person I knew, but he was going to med school, so I knew he was naturally smart. But damn, now that I see the 30 pounds on him, his laziness is no longer okay by me. He has been steadily gaining weight and even though he complains about it, he doesn't do anything to change it. Its so gross. I can't emphasize it enough. His stomach is covered in stretch marks and his 1 thigh is bigger than two of mine combined. He even walks in a really awkward way. Its really bad.

 

But besides that, every time he opened his mouth, he embarrassed me.We met a lot of educated, well spoken people in Germany. In an attempt to impress them, and me I guess, he started talking out of his ass ALL the time. Even when he clearly had nothing interesting to say, he would open his mouth and make it even more obvious that he had no idea what he was talking about (politics, religion, social issues - thats not his thing. give him a math problem and he'll solve it, but he is NOT well spoken or informed on any of these things.) I literally would blush when he opened his mouth. And then one night we all went on a beergarden tour and he got more wasted than anyone else and started arguing and yelling at the other peoplpe. I was mortified. To this day, I can't think about it without feeling uncomfortable. It was a miserable experience.

 

After he left, we were only talking twice a week. It was great for me. I needed space. I thought when I returned to the states, I would feel normal again. Honestly, I can't stand hanging out with him. He is such a sweet, loyal, honest caring guy and it makes me feel so guilty, but we just don't match.

 

To make things worse, he got me a charm bracelet with custom made charms to remember all the important part of our relationship. I feel like the worst girlfriend in the world. I just can't be with him.

 

Even around my friends, who are in no way pretentious and snobby and don't talk about political and social issues at a bar, he acts so embarrassing! They are all girls talking about silly things, and he manages to be an obnoxious weirdo and saying something creepy or stupid.

 

He's taking a year off before med school so he's living at home doing absolutely nothing. I tell him to get a job, but he hasn't really done anything yet-claiming that the application process is really time consuming. I, in the meantime, am a full time student with an internship, working on my honors thesis and applying to grad school for the fall because i don't want to take a gap year. So his constant texting and need to hang out is driving me crazy.

 

How do I break up with him - I am SURE I want this to be over, as soon as possible, without hurting him?

Edited September 11, 2012 by collegemuse

[soccerrprp]

Simple. Tell him you want to break up...tell him you don't see this relationship going any further and that you are concentrating on your studies and won't have time to date AND you don't match up...

[collegemuse]

That will hurt him - and he will definitely expect and demand an explanation because I would be doing it completely out of the blue.

[TaraMaiden]

Be honest with yourself: There is NO way of 'breaking up' with someone WITHOUT at some juncture causing pain.

And let's be even more honest:

The reason you don't want to 'cause pain' - is because you want to protect yourself from the guilt and pain of breaking up with him, as much as you want to avoid giving him pain.

It's an added load you'd rather not have to consider having to bear.

 

"This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you" type of thing.

 

That's the sad and sorry thing - it's inevitable.

Be clean, be quick, be honest and get it over and done with - and Go No Contact.

It's the kindest way you could do it.

Sever the relationship decently.

 

But do it sooner rather than later.

[CC12]

How do I break up with him - I am SURE I want this to be over, as soon as possible, without hurting him?

 

It's going to hurt him. There's no way to do it without hurting him. That's the nature of almost every breakup ever. Just do it. Say, "M, you were a good boyfriend, but I can't be in a relationship with you anymore. We've grown apart. I'm breaking up with you."

 

I don't think you should go into the real reasons that you're breaking up with him. I don't think you need to tell him, "I'm breaking up with you because you're lazy, you've gotten fat, and you're annoying and stupid and creepy and you embarrass me in front of my friends." I mean, that would be hurtful and harsh, no matter how you phrase it.

 

So, when he inevitably asks, "Why? WHY?!" Just stick to "We've grown apart and we need to break up." Repeat that phrase until you get yourself out of the conversation and/or away from him. You know it's over. Let him know, too.

[Calico]

In his position, I'd prefer the blunt truth over any sugarcoating. At least that gives him a chance to change himself a little, which will benefit him in the next relationship. I don't think the truth hurts more than something generic like "grown apart". He will question what that really means anyway.

 

I wish you had told him about the problems before and given him a real chance to fix them, before it was too late.

[CC12]

In his position, I'd prefer the blunt truth over any sugarcoating.

 

Honest question, here. How would you prefer to be told that you're annoying and creepy and stupid and embarrassing and fat? How do you deliver the blunt truth when it's so mean?

[collegemuse]

I couldn't really address these problems without sounding like a total bitch. And I can't ask him to change how he acts if that is who he really is. His behavior turns me off - he would be pretending to be someone else if he changed it for me and that is not fair to him either...I will really have trouble breaking up with him because we are close, and he will question me a lot.

 

I also consider us best friends and I almost want to be there for him after I break up with him, to comfort him as a friend. I know its weird. I just feel guilty because he really does have a good heart.

[Calico]

I also consider us best friends and I almost want to be there for him after I break up with him, to comfort him as a friend. I know its weird. I just feel guilty because he really does have a good heart.

 

This is like emptying a shotgun into a guy and then tending his wounds.

[TopCat22]

Whatever way you do it, it will hurt him. There's no way around it. I'd be direct and tell him it's over and that you just don't see a future with him. I wouldn't go into too much detail but if you think he can change tell him the things he needs to work on. It may motivate him to put things right.

 

Whatever you do, don't offer to be his friend. It may help your guilt but it will jsut end up hurting him more. Think of it like taking off a plaster: rip it off quickly and get it over with, or slowly pull it off causing pain for a long time. You won't feel good either way but if you do care about him know that it is far kinder to just do it.

[CC12]

This is like emptying a shotgun into a guy and then tending his wounds.

 

I don't think it's really like that at all. Why are you giving the OP a hard time for having empathy for this guy? Obviously she cares for him so she doesn't want to hurt him in unnecessary ways.

 

You were the one who said she should tell him the blunt truth, but you still haven't suggested a good way for her to tell him all of those things. Please, tell us, what is the ideal way to be told that you're embarrassing and stupid, etc.

[Calico]

I don't think it's really like that at all. Why are you giving the OP a hard time for having empathy for this guy? Obviously she cares for him so she doesn't want to hurt him in unnecessary ways.

 

Have you been on the receiving end of a dumper trying to be there for the dumpee?

 

You were the one who said she should tell him the blunt truth, but you still haven't suggested a good way for her to tell him all of those things. Please, tell us, what is the ideal way to be told that you're embarrassing and stupid, etc.

 

Plainly. It'll hurt him intensely no matter what, and the truth allows the dumpee to at least learn from the failed relationship. "We've grown apart." is just like "It's not you, it's me." There is no learning potential here, it's just an easy and cowardly way out.

 

Why not tell him that she didn't feel he was working on his future enough, that he let himself go and that she felt he is a little embarrassing when he blathers about just to hear himself talking? (It would have been better to do this before the end of the relationship.) It's not "nice", but if those are the reasons, he deserves to know them.

 

At least this way he won't constantly try to guess just what happened. He'll blame himself either way, but at least if he's been told the actual reasons, he can eventually work on them. I feel that it's a matter of fairness.

Edited September 12, 2012 by Calico

[TopCat22]

I have to agree with Calico here. I've just broken up with my ex and to be honest I don't really know the reasons why. It could have been a whole lot of things but I'm left guessing and trying to figure out what went wrong. It won't help me feel less pain to know the reasons but at least I could make sure I never make those mistakes again.

 

The sad thing is he probably isn't happy at the way he is and had you spoken up earlier and told him he could have done something about it, before these became real attraction killers for you. Speaking up and helping your partner improve themself is a good thing. Don't hide behind the excuse of not wanting to hurt them. You'll end up hurting them even worse in the long run....

[flitzanu]

i started reading this story expecting it to be like "oh he's awesome but i'm young and want to try new things" since it was titled about him being a great guy, but the whole post is pretty filled with how crappy he is and how you don't want a boyfriend like him.

 

following you to another country seems a little...desperate and bothersome.

[Crila16]

Lol!!! Your description of him is cracking me up. I've felt this way about a guy too...so I can totally relate. I was so in love with my college boyfriend...everything you described. He got so huge fat, stretch marks and clingy. I was skeeved out by him and couldn't stand the sound of his voice. Everything he did annoyed me. That's when I realized, I had fallen out of love with him and we had both grown apart (this is why marrying young can be a bad thing.)

 

Well...the good news. He's going to gross you out so badly, the words will just come out easily. You're going to have to tell him you've grown apart and aren't in love with him anymore. Once you end it though, he'll probably become whiny and constantly call and txt you. He's going to be in denial. It will be a guilt trip for you at first, but then it will become plain old annoying and you'll stop responding to his call, txt's and emails. Then we'll end up seeing a post from him on this site.

[Balzac]

You lost me with the incongruity of "going to med school" versus "not applied".

From my reading of your story, more significant issues than his weight gain exist. I'd be calling the guy on why he needs a year to apply to med school.

[KatZee]

That will hurt him - and he will definitely expect and demand an explanation because I would be doing it completely out of the blue.

 

It's GOING to hurt him regardless of what you say or what you do. At the end of the day, you're dumping him. That hurts.

 

I felt the same way with one of my past exes. I just needed to be out, but it was going to come completely out of the blue for him, and he was a genuinely good kid but we just weren't right.

 

I was a coward kind of like how I see you being, and I tried to make HIM dump me. I was nasty to him, had an attitude. None of this got through to him because he was IN LOVE with me. And you probably know, when you're in love, you excuse virtually anything.

 

So in the end I had to bite the bullet and just do it. Despite how painful it was going to be for him.

 

And Crilia has it right. I am in the boat with you guys and feeling this way. My ex became the clingy/needy/desperate/pathetic ex. One day he called me literally 25 times, starting from about 4:30-5AM!!! And when I didn't answer he flooded my email, my Facebook, my instant chat... he was just desperate to get in touch. Oh the days.

Edited September 12, 2012 by KatZee

[collegemuse]

Hey everyone, I did it. I broke up with him last night. He was over my place and I told him that we needed to talk. He knew it was coming because I had been acting distant lately. He told me he felt like I was still abroad even though I've been here for 3 weeks. He told me he waited all summer and he feels like a fool now. I told him I loved him and wanted it to work out so much, but we grew apart and I want nothing more than to really, truly be alone for a long time. I felt so guilty the whole time. We both cried, mostly me because I knew how much it was hurting him. I'm still crying.

 

He told me that he wants nothing more than for me to be happy and he hopes that this decision would make me happy - and he was very sincere. That made me bawl even harder. Selfless until the end. I was relieved that he went out with his friend after for drinks. I want nothing more than for him to not hurt. I want him to move on and lose his feelings for me so we could both be really happy.

 

Is it weird that i can't imagine being happy if I know he is sad? I almost wanted to say, nevermind I'll stay right here with you and take care of you and love you. I was so close to saying that but I knew that I had to break up with him. Now I'm sitting in my room, wondering if he's going to be okay.

 

:(

[flitzanu]

yes, he's going to be ok. everyone is. staying with someone out of guilt is never the right reason.

[about2cross]

Be honest with yourself: There is NO way of 'breaking up' with someone WITHOUT at some juncture causing pain.

And let's be even more honest:

The reason you don't want to 'cause pain' - is because you want to protect yourself from the guilt and pain of breaking up with him, as much as you want to avoid giving him pain.

It's an added load you'd rather not have to consider having to bear.

 

"This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you" type of thing.

 

That's the sad and sorry thing - it's inevitable.

Be clean, be quick, be honest and get it over and done with - and Go No Contact.

It's the kindest way you could do it.

Sever the relationship decently.

 

But do it sooner rather than later.

 

"no contact" for the person exiting the rl also?

Even if u want to check in and see how they are doing, u are saying it is kinder to go NC? Just want to make sure.... Don't want to cause any more pain than already have.

[geegirl]

"no contact" for the person exiting the rl also?

Even if u want to check in and see how they are doing, u are saying it is kinder to go NC? Just want to make sure.... Don't want to cause any more pain than already have.

 

You just broke up with a man that spent 4 years of his life with you because you're choosing an ex for passion and hot sex. Why do you think it would be wise to contact to find out "how he is doing" when you know he is not doing well, and won't be for a substantial amount of time? Your contact gives him nothing but confusion and additional pain.

 

The kind thing to do when you care about someone is to let them go. Contact to a dumpee gives them hope and keeps them stuck, unable to heal. You see it here over and over again. If you have nothing of substance for your bf, let him go and let him move on in peace.

 

Understand that the dumpee is in a completely different emotional space compared to the dumper. Don't project how you feel as in you're emotionally detached/semi detached when he is obviously in pain.

Edited September 23, 2012 by geegirl

[about2cross]

Okay. Just checking. I do not want to want to cause any more pain than I already have.

Thanks for clearing it up for me.

[Svet74]

before breaking up with him why dont you tell him that he needs to lose weight and stop embarressing you? Or if he doesnt you will break up with him??

 

cuz this is whats gonna happen. your gonna break up with him. then he will got all hot and lose weight. become all sexy.. and then youll want him back.. but he wont want your ass in return

[Svet74]

It's all over but the crying... He lost her a long time ago.

 

Also, why does he need his GF to tell him this to begin with?

 

 

 

Yup

 

 

 

Doubtful.

 

 

 

Possible but if she did... It won't be for a very long time.

 

 

 

Really?

 

A lot of people on here want their Ex back, even years later. Not to mention, the OP is dumping him to go back to an Ex from 4 years ago.

 

You do read the stories here right? I see a lot of stories where the dumpee was dumped for their Ex to go back to a prior Ex.

 

You don't think it's possible that he would want her back if she ever changed her mind? A chance she is taking yes, but I bet he would want her back for quite a long time.

 

Yes your probably right. If i want my ex after almost 2 yrs. lol especially after all the crap he put me through and went as far as saying he is marrying another girl?

I think the reason why we want our exes back is the fact that we were rejected.

But ive never been on the other side, where i broke up with someone ive been with for a long time so i dont know what its like.

[LostOne1]

Personally, I don't see the use of breaking up with him?

 

If he was amazing before and now changed, that means he can always still be that old person he was... he just lost himself in life.

 

I think the best thing woulda been to take a break. tell him what was wrong and then see if he works on himself and take a month off.

 

I wish some people would give others a chance, because not everyone is perfect, some people DO fall down a hole in life and take time to get out. Or sometimes they need someone to give them a reality check.

 

Not sure what else to say, but I feel bad for this relationship, because it could've been much better. And who knows, maybe in a month or two you will notice he's changed and become better. Maybe to a point where he is the guy you always wanted.