the fadeaway

[ponette]

how many of you had a LTR end without 'the breakup talk'?

 

-me (26 days and nothing).

[TaraMaiden]

I was looking at your previous thread... and I'm sorry you've kind of been left in Limbo.

Please read my "Caliguy" link, in my signature.

It's really sad you've been left hanging, but I think by now, clearly, it's

been assumed you'll have got the message....

 

Closure is something everyone 'dumped' craves. Even those who saw it coming, were asked to go 'on a break' (which essentially, 99/100 means it's over) or were frankly, openly and honestly told it was over.

Closure is still something they want.

Again, this is something that must come from you....

 

The 'fadeaway' is doubly hard for you - and normally I would suggest remaining in NC, but sometimes, it pays to tell them exactly what we think of their cowardly, mean and underhand ways.

 

But will it actually make you feel better?

I doubt it.

Very much.

[ponette]

thanks for your response. do you think it's too late to hope that he'll ever contact me?

[TaraMaiden]

No, not at all.

but what that contact will mean, is anyone's guess.

But the longer it's left, the more it's likely to be just breadcrumbs, and rattling your cage.

 

Contact won't be reconciliation.

At least, I doubt very much that it will be....

 

Sorry.

[ponette]

tthanks for trying to help. i think he's just sick of me. i never thought he'd end without a word, but i guess he doesn't want to see my pain. he's older than i am, and should know this isn't making things easier. any chance it could be something else?

 

i'm just sick over this. this is the worst. it's almost as though he died.

 

thanks

[Crila16]

A long term fade away...never. A short term fade away...all the time.

[veggirl]

Wow that's awful. 5 years and no break up talk?

 

Since you are the one who initially withdrew isn't it perhaps your job to initiate the conversation?

 

It would be a lot for me to overcome 5 years with no official break up talk. yes you can assume and all but goodness... honestly I'd send a text or something.

 

so sorry you're going through this

[Crila16]

Just curious. How long has it been since you've heard from him?

[TaraMaiden]

That's exactly what it is.

it's precisely like a bereavement. Only - he hasn't 'died', has he?

 

Really, if I were you, I'd write:

 

"So it's been a month now since you decided unilaterally that you no longer wished to speak to me.

I gather it's over.

Fine.

But you're a spineless coward and I really never imagined that someone of your mature years could possibly demonstrate such juvenile immaturity as to behave like this.

I wouldn't be proud of yourself, if I were you.

What you have done is unspeakably selfish and astonishingly rude.

I really thought at least you would have the decency to respect me enough to at least be man enough to tell me it is over. Whatever I may have done, pales by comparison.

I really thought more of you.

it seems after all this time, I really never knew you at all.

Please don't contact me, unless it is to apologise for your childish attitude.

You disappoint me, you really do."

 

 

But don't send anything of this kind at all, if you don't mean it, or if you'd melt back into his arms without question, if he were to click his fingers.

I really hope you wouldn't. No person is worth crushing your own dignity and self-esteem underfoot, for.

[ponette]

26 days since i got an email relaying a msg on his answering machine (i used to live there).

 

what do you mean longterm no and short term all the time?

 

christ, i feel like hell.

[ponette]

Wow that's awful. 5 years and no break up talk?

 

Since you are the one who initially withdrew isn't it perhaps your job to initiate the conversation?

 

It would be a lot for me to overcome 5 years with no official break up talk. yes you can assume and all but goodness... honestly I'd send a text or something.

 

so sorry you're going through this

 

do you think he's waiting or has he given up? yes, i withdrew. i'm in denial. he doesn't give a damn. it's just been too long, i guess.

 

thanks for answering- i'm a needy mess right now. sorry.

[ponette]

That's exactly what it is.

it's precisely like a bereavement. Only - he hasn't 'died', has he?

 

Really, if I were you, I'd write:

 

"So it's been a month now since you decided unilaterally that you no longer wished to speak to me.

I gather it's over.

Fine.

But you're a spineless coward and I really never imagined that someone of your mature years could possibly demonstrate such juvenile immaturity as to behave like this.

I wouldn't be proud of yourself, if I were you.

What you have done is unspeakably selfish and astonishingly rude.

I really thought at least you would have the decency to respect me enough to at least be man enough to tell me it is over. Whatever I may have done, pales by comparison.

I really thought more of you.

it seems after all this time, I really never knew you at all.

Please don't contact me, unless it is to apologise for your childish attitude.

You disappoint me, you really do."

 

 

But don't send anything of this kind at all, if you don't mean it, or if you'd melt back into his arms without question, if he were to click his fingers.

I really hope you wouldn't. No person is worth crushing your own dignity and self-esteem underfoot, for.

 

i have made a lot of mistakes in our relationship, but so has he. this is a good email that i wish i could send, but can't right now. maybe in the future? why give him the satisfaction. i'm pretty sure he knows how badly he is hurting me anyway. i'm stunned, confused and in terrible pain.

 

thanks, really. i'm new to my area and don't have a whole lot of support right now. i've been talking to my mother, but she lives on the other side of the country.

 

i can't accept that i won't hear from him, although i know it's possible. i wish i could turn the pain off, as he seems to have done.

[Crila16]

You how many of us had a LTR end without 'the breakup talk'? I've had only short term break ups without a relationship talk, never a long term.

 

 

Sounds like your guy met another girl and is just not ending it with you, just in case it doesn't work out with the new girl. Then he'll just come waltzing back to you when it doesn't work out and with a lame excuse and you'll take him back thinking "he was just going through something."

[salmagundi]

That's one possibility Crila, but I don't think thats quite it. Yes he met somebody else but he did the fade out because he can't face you and own up to the fact that they probably started up while you were together. People that do short or long term fadeouts do it for one reason only. They are cowards and they lack the courage to step up and end it like a mature adult. I know, I used to do that before I became a somewhat mature adult.

[ponette]

there's no evidence of a third party, guys. he's tired of the drama and my anger. i've been in therapy trying to work on it, but got pissed at him and went silent about a month ago-and other than an email relaying a message on his answering machine, i've heard nothing. he's tired of me and my anger and i am tired of being angry and feeling unsupported.

 

there will be someone new in the future, obviously, but that is not the reason for the split.

 

i still love this jerk and wish i meant enough to him for him to contact me. at least man up and break it off, but i don't think he wants to face the displayy of pain that will casue. i honestly didn't think he would be like that, but considering he's started to tune out anytime i get pissed, it makes sense.

 

there is then my history of withdrawing, and i know he's tired of that, too. and while avoiding someone's anger isn't a loving or helpful thing to do, this is what is happening. he is in his 50s, i am in my 30s.

 

i just can't seem to accept that he won't talk to me or ever come back.

 

we both screwed this up, and evidently he's had enough.

[collegemuse]

*raises hand* its been over a year. I am too stubborn to contact someone for closure after they broke up with me out of the blue for no reason at a train station on a rainy night hours away from my home. And he is too selfish, immature and cruel to apologize. I would have liked closure, and it pisses me off that he never tried to do that, but I guess its better this way. Who wants this type of person in their life anyway?

[veggirl]

do you think he's waiting or has he given up? yes, i withdrew. i'm in denial. he doesn't give a damn. it's just been too long, i guess.

 

thanks for answering- i'm a needy mess right now. sorry.

 

don't apologize to us, we understand.

 

I think he is probably angry and confused.

 

I think you should reach out and at least see what happens. I am not saying call and email and text over and over, but truth: you pulled away, you stopped talking to him and now you expect him to break the ice. that's not really fair, is it? for all you know, he thinks YOU dumped him because you withdrew and have not come back.

 

I think the ball is in your court here to be honest.

 

considering you are the one who pulled away, don't you think he is probably thinking "she doesn't give a damn" as well?

 

I suggest you attempt contact once-- one phone call or text or email, whichever you are comfortable with. if he doesn't respond, then you know what's up and can focus on healing w/o the wondering.

[ponette]

you are very kind.

 

my anger is a terrible poison - it's killing me and all those i love. it's related to ptsd, but i own responsibility for it and i AM trying to fix it with therapy and meds.

 

you're right. i withdrew. i don't know why he didn't bother to ask why i was upset-but i guess i should've just been a big girl and told him. that has been hard to do because of the way he's responded to my complaints. but i should know he'd tune me out when i'm yelling and being a jerk.

 

based on the time without contact, i don't think he wants me or the relationship anymore. i don't want the relationship the way things are right now, either.

 

thank you for your opinion and good advice veggirl. it's important for me to remember my contribution to this mess. thank you so much.

[salmagundi]

so...this guy is 50 and he's acting like me when I was 19?

[ponette]

i never thought it was possible to feel quite this terrible.

[Appleness]

sorry ponette,

 

The answer is yes. Apparently, I've been told in alot of cases you will eventually get the closure you crave but you'll probably not care at that point or just not like what you hear. Look up the "after three years..." post by Glencoco and you'll see what I mean. I know that most likely you're hurt. It'll probably feel something like "well if I meant anything at all, doesn't he OWE ME a reason?" Sadly, the answer is no... (you'll understand this once you read the aforementioned Caliguy NC post).

 

Remember, your value as a person doesn't diminish because he stopped loving you. There are people who like perfectly horrid people. Horrid. As in pee-in-your-mouth horrid. Being a good person doesn't necessarily mean that the object of your affection will fall in love with you. That whole "A Walk to Remember" thing only works in movies. Take this chance to stand back and examine your life. Do you like who you are? What you do? How you look? Who your friends are? etc... Change the things you don't like because there's no one to stop you now. Cultivate the things that you do like whether it's a hobby or school or anything really. See this as an opportunity, not an obstacle. Grow and one day, when you run into this person again, decide if you truly need them in your life. You may surprise yourself...

 

Good luck

[ponette]

well-i don't know that he's stopped loving me, but i do suspect he's tired of my **** (i have tired of some of his ****, too). i'm the one with the established history of withdrawing and silent shut downs. i'm the arse who pulled away in the first place. i'm sure he's sick of that and sick of chasing. i guess i can't blame him.

 

one month of no talking = no relationship.

 

i know with a lot of work and time, i can fix me. is there any hope of fixing we?

 

should i try to open the door, or not? if yes, what do i say?

[Am313]

Maybe I'm missing something here, but you said that you basically just withdrew? You moved out and then what? Did YOU just stop all contact? If my girlfriend just moved out after a few months of problems, I would expect we are broken up AND if she didn't say anything then I certainly wouldn't say anything. In my mind it's like the worst thing: Just grab your things and leave without saying a word?

 

Maybe I have things all wrong?

[ponette]

i moved out a few months ago, and we were trying to work on the relationship while i got therapy for anger & other things.

 

long story short, i got pissed at him again about something about a month ago and withdrew, displaying LL THE CHARACTERISTIC crap i'm in therapy for. (smooth move #1)

 

haven't heard from him since the 16th when he emailed me about some answering message left for me from my work. i never responded. (smooth move #2)

 

as veggirl astutely pointed out, *i* withdrew and am expecting him to break the ice. i could argue why i think it's important, but i won't bother.

 

i feel frustrated and hopeless and think i can't fix things. not sure he'd even wanna talk to me. not sure which end is up anymore.

[ponette]

maybe the best thing i can do, besides fix myself, is to just let this guy go. i still love him, but i'm not sure he would even want to talk to me at this point. maybe it's selfish to even want that. i don't know.