Movingonnow Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Long Story Short To Sum it all up -- 23 year old male whose in law school and has everything going for him. Dated a girl from college for 3 years and broke up last September. A year has passed but somehow still in contact with my ex. We would go NC for a few weeks or days and somehow it gets broken. Yes I know I lack will power. While this is going on, I dated a rebound girl long distance. She lived in philly and I live in NYC. At the same time while dating her from Jan-May, was somehow still in love and dreaming of getting back with my ex. Now i found out that my rebound is dating a guy who lives in NY and kinda looks likes me. Now im just upset and kinda feel bad how everything turned out with my rebound...replaying thoughts in my head how I left the rebound because I lost interest and to try and get back with my ex and she wanted to (didn't work out and all my friends HATE her). Long story short --> Do i really miss my rebound or is it because she is dating someone from NYC and looks like me, that its just triggering thoughts. I know a rebound wouldn't have worked when i still care about my ex. At the same time I still have feeligns for my ex, but deep down I know the spark is gone and its jsut sort of "there" Please advise, what do I do....how do I keep myself from breaking NC with my ex, (rebound is out of the pic, won't contact her out of respect and she has a new guy --> ashamed of how I used her) It's been a year and just want to get my head straight. I know what needs to be done, my friends keep telling me and keeping tabs on me so i don't revert. I've had girls around me for 4 years, but just don't know how to enjoy being alone, even though I know i need to take a break from relationships. PLEASE ADVISE!!!
Crila16 Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 If you got back with your ex, you probably would have realized you were in love with the rebound. Your mind is tainted with the past and what you've built up in your mind about your ex. She's not as great as your mind has built her up to be. I was the rebound for 6 months. My boyfriend at the time dumped me and got back with his ex of 2-1/2 years cause he couldn't forget about her. That's when he realized he was in love with me, dumped her and wanted me back.
Author Movingonnow Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 Unfortunately I hung out with my ex recently, and while with her i thought less about her and more about the other rebound. Worst part is I feel guilty about how I led the rebound on....it's not that I meant to do it, it was just nice to feel liked again by someone attractive and easy to get along with. I def wouldn't say I was in love with the rebound. We dated only for a few months. That I realize...my ex is not as great as my mind has built her up to be. Lot of my problem is hypocracy, espcially being after we broke up she slept with her ex bf from HS and her freshman year of college. I know she can't be trusted and is confused herself as to what she wants from a guy. The hypocracy is she would go on and on and yell about me how I can have an ex, meanwhile shes sleeping with her ex bf. Obv they still kept in touch while we were dating, and she claimed she told me. I hope you didn't take him back btw. You can do better and deserve a clean slate. But yea what do you suggest? Just stop dating women for awhile to clear my head or go ahead on dates and just keep an open mind. Not get attached to the first girl you speak or sleep with, which is what happened previously.
Author Movingonnow Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 And yes throughout the whole year...my ex would go weeks of not contacting me, and then all of a sudden text me out of the blue when shes drunk or seems to be lonely as if nothing happened. And I would fall into her trap like a lil bitch. So many times I called her out saying I want nothing to do with you and she said herself recently, all my threats are empty and knows I wont stick to it.
Chi townD Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Honestly? You are in no position to be dating anyone right now. You're still hung up on your Ex. You break NC every so often and you set yourself back in healing. You miss the rebound because ( and you're right) you were using her to fill that emotional void that your Ex left behind. The rebound was a way to cope with the loss of your Ex. Now that the rebound is gone, there's no one to fill that emotional void anymore. And that's probably what you are missing, not the girl so much, but someone to fill that gap. To be truthful, I think you need to be on your own right now. To heal up properly and make some positive self improvements in your life, You'll know when you're ready to date seriously again. Until then, don't be a hermit! Go out! Have a good time! It's okay to go on a date when you can tell yourself that it's just a night out on the town with a pretty girl and NOTHING MORE! Just have fun!
Author Movingonnow Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 thanks bro....yea think is I know what needs to be done. Just a matter of nutting up and doing it. Oh no, I'm way over that hermit stage. I have no problem going out and meeting girls and talking to them. It's just that the ex is in the back of my mind. Besdies way to busy with school and work to be that pathetic hermit
Crila16 Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Oh God no...I didn't take him back. It's been 10 years and he's still trying to get me back. He said I'm the one that got away. As for what you should do? My mom always says (and they are words of wisdom. When you don't know what to do, do nothing. That's when it will become clear. In other words. Why don't you stop thinking so much. That's the first step. You don't have to decide anything...whether to date or not to date. Why don't you just allow yourself to feel what you're feeling and stop putting so much pressure on yourself to get over this ex and the rebound. It's all going to work out anyway...not matter what you decide. So...just relax, and go out if there's a girl you like. You don't have to get serious or marry her. Just have fun. That's when time heals and before you know it, without even realizing it...you've moved on. All I can tell you is when you meet the right girl, it won't be a rebound or even feel like a rebound. In fact, when you meet the right person, it's a no brainer and there won't be a single doubt or question in your mind. All you'll know is you want to be with her all the time and you won't even care about any other girl.
Author Movingonnow Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 Yea I understand that completely, I know and agree that there's plenty of women out there. Not concerned about that. I just don't know how to picture a life with my ex and realize that eventually shes gonna have a new bf and all that. In the back of my mind i still care about htis girl, considering all she put me through
Crila16 Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Make sure it's the girl that you're upset about losing...and not a bruised ego. Why did you two break up in the first place?
Author Movingonnow Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 It became so routine and a rut. We would just get on each other's nerves for the littlest things. And we both lost interest. Plus she was my first gf and she thought I needed to explore a lil so we decided on a break, led to a break up and now this stuff.
Crila16 Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 She's kinda right. Also, when a relationship gets routine and boring...it's not such a good thing. I had a boyfriend I just broke up, and was dating for 3 years. He got on my nerves so badly...and it was so boring. We didn't have much in common. We did...but at the same time, didn't. Every relationship become routine eventually...but if you're compatable with a person and have the same interests, you're always finding new things to do. When you're both single and dating, it should be fun and there shouldn't be a rut. It's when you get married and have kids, through the years is when it becomes routine..and sometimes a rut (though not always). It sounds like you need to explore other options. your ex was right. You don't know what you're missing, until you find it. It's like eating chocolate chip cookies. You think there the best. But you have no idea that there's molton lava cake. Once you eat that...no other chocolate anything will suffice. Your ex and your rebound were only chocolate chip cookies.
Author Movingonnow Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 I def agree that we needed to break up... if this is now, what owuld have marriage been. It was just a sign instead of trying to fix the rut, her first hting was to run away. Whatever i just need to learn to get over her and not run back when i'm bored...plenty of others out there....justed needed confirmation that I'm in no mindset to seriously date again and that breaking up with the rebound was for the best. The rebound deserved someone who was whole heartedly in it. Its just rough that the timing didn't work out cause she was a good girl
Author Movingonnow Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 I def agree that we needed to break up... if this is now, what owuld have marriage been. It was just a sign instead of trying to fix the rut, her first hting was to run away. Whatever i just need to learn to get over her and not run back when i'm bored...plenty of others out there....justed needed confirmation that I'm in no mindset to seriously date again and that breaking up with the rebound was for the best. The rebound deserved someone who was whole heartedly in it. Its just rough that the timing didn't work out cause she was a good girl and seeing shes dating someone from NY again who resembles me
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