My story

[Craneum]

Hello, thought I'd share a bit of my story and hope some people have some words of support, advice or comments.

 

I probably sound naive, stupid and immature, and it is true, but this was my first real relationship and also the first time I've ever felt such pain.

 

It has now been 6/7 weeks since I split with my ex after a difficult and intense 3 years.

 

We met when I was travelling, and fell in love. After a few great weeks together, she returned home. But before she left, we committed to each other. She invited me to stay with her in her country, and as I had no other plan, I took a risk, and went there to live with her. Of course it was all very quick, but I just wanted to go for it.

 

Anyway, to cut a long story short, the problems began almost immediately. Over 3 years we had some good times, but we argued a lot, and we broke up briefly on many occasions. Unfortunately I could never feel happy there. I missed my country, my friends, and somehow it seemed we didn't fit. She also has a child there so couldn't leave, and I felt tied to a place I didn't really want to be in. I had a job I didn't like much and I felt I had no future and selfishly I blamed and resented her for that.

 

She also wasn't perfect. She had quite a temper, and argued with people quite a lot. She also had money problems, which I had to help her with, meaning I had no money for myself. I suppose I also felt under appreciated sometimes too.

 

So because of these reasons, I ended up treating her badly, and never caring for her and showing her enough love. She told me that she just needed me to love her, but I could never forget about the other things. I am a cold person, and even when I tried it wasn't enough.

 

I even told her on many occasions that I thought we should break up and I wanted to go back to my country. She said to do what is best for myself, but I never could. I guess I am just a coward or I really loved her.

 

So eventually, we argued again, and this time she said we break up for real. Pack your bags and go back to your country. But I was heartbroken.

 

So now I am back. I have gone back to live with my mother, I have no money, and I have a job that is worse than the one I had before. The friends I missed don't seem like that great friends and are always busy anyway. Life sucks big time right now. Sometimes I want to die.

Now I am back here, I don't like it. I miss her, and I feel stupid for never appreciating what she meant to me. I am lonely and have no one to care for.

I miss her child, as we had grown quite close. My life has been turned upside down.

 

We stayed in contact a lot for the first few weeks. Of course I begged her to give me another chance, which was obviously a bad idea. Letting go is so hard. A couple of weeks ago she told me she has met someone else. A guy who treats her well.

I try to be happy for her, and I said I wouldn't keep contacting her, but she could contact me. She wants to be friends. She has contacted me a couple of times and I don't know what to do.

 

I should be happy for her that she found someone who is good to her. But it hurts a lot. Maybe I am just being selfish. I want her back even though I know it would probably go wrong again. She tells me her new boyfriend makes her happy all the time.

 

I don't know whether I should have NC with her. Maybe that is the only way for me to move on. But in some ways I also feel like I owe it to her to at least be a friend to her after being bad to her for a long time. I don't know. Stupidly I still hope she will remember how she loved me at the beginning.

 

Should I ignore her? Should I tell her not to contact me? Or should I just try to be her friend even though it is so difficult?

 

I guess I will have to take this as an experience and grow up. I try to think positive about the future but it is hard. Now I can do all the things I wanted to but couldn't when I was with her. But somehow, they just don't mean anything any more. I am having constant ups and downs. I have to take one day at a time.

I know one day I will meet someone new, but actually I am a quiet and shy person. It took me a long time to meet someone that could really love me, and I threw it away. Now I will have to accept that I will probably be alone for a long time.

 

Is it really better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?

I don't know. At least it is an experience.

 

Well, thanks for letting me share. Any responses will be gladly heard!

[cynic-al]

I can't comment from experience, but I think you are being hard on yourself, and the grass is always greener.

 

Try to move on and re-build your own life, it will get better, with work.