Lost!

[LillianP]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]My husband and I dated for 2.5 years. He’s ten years older than me. We got married July 2011. His parents wanted him to get married immediately. He wanted to marry me but his mother opposed and brain-washed him with the most insane things about me and my parents. When she still couldn’t stop the marriage, I figured she would stop. He promised me to move out of their house and get our own place while still supporting them if she continued. Since, we were going to live with them. I began my first year of college and moved from NYC to his state, PA.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]Our relationship was pretty good until his mother decided that she couldn’t stand that and like before began spewing nastiness out of her mouth and got his father into it as well…as that’s the only thing can agree on together. She treated me horribly and they both abused me verbally when they weren’t ignoring my presence in the house. I told him what was happening and he wasn’t able to stop his parents. They shut him down, denied everything and made situations worse. He didn’t take much action either…he stayed silent and watched them blindly mostly and instead blamed me for not being able to give into his parents’ wishes. He wanted be to further try to befriend his toxic, impossible parents. He told me he wasn’t going to fight for someone like me who can’t hold his family together and give them a child. I was so lonely and sad and decided to transfer my college back to NYC after the first semester. All these issues drove a wedge between us personally and began deteriorating our relationship[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]My parents spoke to him about what was going on over there and he became even more furious, completely neglecting the main issues because of the fact that his mother had instilled that my parents were bad people from earlier on. My parents didn’t want me to get married so early but still accepted everything for my happiness. They always treated him and his parents with the utmost respect, while his parents just refused any good connection with them and were straight up nasty to my parents. And soon he wasn’t being any better. I still decided to wait for the situation to change and did my best to get along with parents. I never spoke back to them or disrespected them or anything…while they still continued. He wasn’t going to move out because he thought I wanted their family to break up and he told me to leave if I couldn’t handle it. I felt betrayed as he never kept any of his promises and felt suicidal for choosing a life in such environment. Come the end of my second semester…I left back home and transferred my college officially.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]For the past 4 months he constantly speaks of divorce which throws me into a deadly situation for I still love and my love for never stopped growing even threw everything. He also claims he can handle it all and knows what to do for our relationship because he’s more educated abt it and knows where he went wrong and where I went wrong. I told him I wasn’t and couldn’t go back because I wasn’t going and couldn’t transfer my college and also because I didn’t want to risk a good position in my college program. I told him that I did everything I had to marry him last year and that it was his turn to move out and get a place in nyc for us. He considers that abandoning his parents and says he can’t be disowned by them (even though he’s there only financial support) and doesn’t find it worth it to wait for me to finish my degree to have children and he can’t live alone without me being around physically. I know he still loves me…but days ago he filed for divorced and I’m devastated more than devastating can be.[/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Calibri][sIZE=3]What should I do? I don’t want the divorce! Sorry for the length...its my first time. [/sIZE][/FONT]

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[GuyInLimbo]

You don't want a divorce and still love a guy who doesn't have the balls to defend someone he supposedly loves? He's an ass, sweetheart. And that's never going to change. He's keeping you in an abusive environment! Why in god's name would you want to stay with someone like that? Get out and start your life. It sounds to me you have low self-esteem. I strongly suggest IC now. How old are you, if you don't mind me asking you. Sounds like you are early 20's if that. Too young to be married, especially to a creep and loser. This is setting up a bad pattern you are likely to repeat if you don't get away from him now.

 

You shouldn't be devastated. You should be relieved. This guy is selfish, abusive, immature and clearly does nothing for you. He doesn't love you.

[Ninja'sHusband]

It makes such a big difference if you have no kids. Am I right in assuming you don't?

[LillianP]

Thanks for the input.

 

GuyinLimbo: I'm going to turn 20 soon. But I feel guilty I left him. He says he's changed and he's learned lot from his mistake. I don't know how to give him a second chance by going back on his terms to fulfill dreams of living with his parents and giving him a child within 2 yrs. I would have to lose a chance for a good profession at at a school in NYC. Transferring colleges aren't easy and college is expensive. Currently I'm at my parents house and would lose their respect if I went back too. And he can't come to NYC for the reasons I already stated before. It hurts me to throw it all away. We both have a great connection and understand each other when its just us and we're on good terms.

 

Ninja's Husband:

 

Nope, no children. He wants children but isn't willing to wait for me to finish college before doing so. And he wants it even more because of his parents.

[GuyInLimbo]

20???? Lillian, that is way too young to get married, much less go through all of this. Trust me when I say this: you will be a COMPLETELY different person in 10 years. You have so much life to live, school to finish, friends to make, places to travel. And you need to allow yourself to grow. To me, you're a baby. Don't throw your life and self worth away. LET HIM GO. Is he your first love? If so, that would explain a lot of your attachment to him. But it's not healthy either way. There are millions of better men out there.

 

You have NOTHING to feel guilty about leaving some loser who abused you and will do nothing but keep you down.

[gmrgsb]

You deserve someone who will respect you and any sign of abuse proves there is no respect. You have your entire life ahead of you and need to lobe yourself enough to end the relationship. Having or planning a child to salvage a relationship never end up well for any of the parties involved.

[LillianP]

Yes, he's my first and only love.

[GuyInLimbo]

Yes, he's my first and only love.

 

Thaaaat's what I suspected. I saw this all the time growing up. People tend to fall hard for first loves, not realizing there are way more people out there for them. You may not want to believe it now, but he's not, and never was, the one for you.

 

I don't have much to add to what I said above. I know it's easier for me to say, but this is a very cut and dry situation in my book.

[LillianP]

You know what, you are right. He is very selfish. Unless its his way and unless his needs get fulfilled, its the highway for me. Just like it is now. I can't give him what he needs, a child in 2 yrs or tolerate his obnoxious parents or go back to philly knowing the person he really is. I told him I couldn't go on with the divorce and he has been sending me the most disgusting emails stating how I wasn't right for him and he can live a better life after he gets out of this mess and in time he will forget me for his own good. How shallow...

 

He also doesn't fail to mention how he can easily replace me for someone better. not repeat his mistakes and still get what he wants.

 

I've just been very heart broken. I don't know how to deal with it and he seems perfectly fine and can't wait for divorce to finish.

[SandRat]

As much as you love him, you must, leave his spineless ass in the dust. If he HAS changed make him come to you and the two of you live alone. Far from his parents. You need to watch the movie Only The Lonely with John Candy and Maureen O'Hara. It's a classic example of a Mamma's boy situation. My Brother went through the same thing with his first marriage. They lived with her parents at first. I warned him sternly about how much of a mistake it was. He didn't listen. Then one day with a big beaming smile he told me they were moving out. I thought "Great" he's growing a set. About a week later I found out they moved out alright, right next door to her parent's new house. She gave him the clap finally and they divorced.

[LillianP]

SandRat:

 

He hasn't changed, I now notice that from his emails and his eagerness for divorce to live his life right. He feels his parents are right and I was the one at fault. The only way he can get his parents a child in the picture is to marry someone else and he can't wait to do that. He doesn't find me worthy enough to come to me. He says he has too much to lose. He's weak and abides by anything his mother throws at him. One second he wants me, next second he speaks of how insignificant I am to his life and what a bad wife I was to him by not being able to manage his family.

 

He's cold hearted and speaks of how easily he can move on after the divorce is completed. I'm the opposite.

 

I sorry to hear about your brother's situation. I will watch the movie. Thanks for suggesting.

[so_difficult]

Lillian you may not feel this way right now but my bet is it won't be long till you are very thankful to have got out of this awful marriage early. All the best to you.

[SandRat]

Lillian you may not feel this way right now but my bet is it won't be long till you are very thankful to have got out of this awful marriage early. All the best to you.

 

I fully approve of this message! Move on lady! Your loving man is out there you just gotta go find him.

[LillianP]

I just have to accept things as is and start living eventually. Thanks Everyone!