Not easy letting go...

[patrick27]

I was seeing this girl for over a year. I did love her very much and I though we could make a life together. However, things did not turn out that way. She moved on with someone else. Prior to her departure, we talked about things and we tried to remain friends. This was about two weeks ago. Since then, seeing her post pictures of her boyfriend, stuff they do together has made me feel sad and resentful. I woke up one day and decided to cut her off completely. Later that day, she discovered that I had done so and called and texted me to find out what was going on. I told her that it is time for me to move on. She stated that she thought we had an understanding about still being friends. To which I asked her to let me go. My heart really ached to be with her but my instincts just said to cut it off and be done with it.

 

I was feeling sad and resentful for a few days, but started feeling better and ventured out with my friends. Then I received a text from her. She said she was not happy. I really wasn't expecting this. I did not respond initially but she asked that I not ignore her.

 

I gave in and responded and now I am regretting it. When we texted back and forth yesterday, I felt reserved and not able to open myself to how I feel. She explained that she is not happy with the way we ended. I don't know how to respond to this. I really don't want to revisit or relive the breakup because I have not had my time to get passed it. Should I just stand firm and insist on my space or just be completely NC?

[headsashed]

If you feel as though you need space then tell her that you need some alone time and then go NC,if she has any feelings for you then she will respect that.

[TopCat22]

If she is not happy with the WAY you broke up then that is her problem. If she is saying she isn't happy WITH the breakup then that's slightly different. It sounds to me like she's feeling guilty and wants to help herself by showing some kindess to you. She's not doing this to hurt you, but that's what she will end up doing.

 

I have realised through my latest breakup that girls don't really want to hurt you but they have a misguided sense of what needs to be done. I felt I was string along for a few weeks before finally pulling the plug. What she didn't understand was it's better to get one bullet to the head rather than being stabbed 100 times.

 

I'd stick to NC, or if you can't bear it, send her a short message saying she made her choice have the courage to stick to is and please let you heal in peace.

[patrick27]

Yes, she did say that she's upset about hurting me. So I'm not sure if she's unhappy about her decision or about trying to make me whole. Doesn't matter. I feel sad and empty and this isn't helping. Part of me wants to tell her to stop dragging my heart around, but I think she will feel compelled to fix that too.

 

If she is not happy with the WAY you broke up then that is her problem. If she is saying she isn't happy WITH the breakup then that's slightly different. It sounds to me like she's feeling guilty and wants to help herself by showing some kindess to you. She's not doing this to hurt you, but that's what she will end up doing.

 

I have realised through my latest breakup that girls don't really want to hurt you but they have a misguided sense of what needs to be done. I felt I was string along for a few weeks before finally pulling the plug. What she didn't understand was it's better to get one bullet to the head rather than being stabbed 100 times.

 

I'd stick to NC, or if you can't bear it, send her a short message saying she made her choice have the courage to stick to is and please let you heal in peace.

[TopCat22]

Patrick, nothing will help you while you feel like this. I wish I could tell you otherwise but I went through a few weeks trying to find something to cling on to and there was nothing. Eventually you'll get through it and get some perspective, until then it's OK to feel sad. She is not wanting things back she just doesn't want to feel guilty about hurting you. Sadly her way of doing that just gives you hope. Don't reply to her. It's the hardest thing in the world but go NC and stick to it. The only way you'll know if she wants to come back is if she appears at your front door on her knees pleading for you. Anything else is just words to help her. Be strong.

[patrick27]

Thanks for the encouragement, TopCat. I really appreciate it!

 

I blocked her phone number so there's no connection from her to me she can pursue. I'll go spend my day doing something fun.

 

Patrick, nothing will help you while you feel like this. I wish I could tell you otherwise but I went through a few weeks trying to find something to cling on to and there was nothing. Eventually you'll get through it and get some perspective, until then it's OK to feel sad. She is not wanting things back she just doesn't want to feel guilty about hurting you. Sadly her way of doing that just gives you hope. Don't reply to her. It's the hardest thing in the world but go NC and stick to it. The only way you'll know if she wants to come back is if she appears at your front door on her knees pleading for you. Anything else is just words to help her. Be strong.

[TopCat22]

That's a great start! It's taken me 4 weeks to get round to deleting her contact info and photos. It was so tough to do, but now I've done it I actually feel a weight off my shoulders. I know I'll relapse and feel sad about it but I feel a little more in control of my destiny jsut from that. Hopefully you will to. Stay busy and post on here, I'm finding it's helping me to help others too.

[patrick27]

Seems I underestimated her resolve. She called through bobsled. I blocked that. Then called through skype. I changed my phone number.

[patrick27]

I ended up sending an email to the effect that I need my space. It wasn't insulting or hurtful toward her. Just a simple statement that I need to move on and any contact from her does me more harm than good. I did this as a re-affirmation and reiteration to her where I stand. However, for some reason, I'm drawn to re-reading what I sent. I guess to remind myself of my position. This, I find, is a helpful reminder when I start feeling down.

 

The motivation to pursue my interests still eludes me, but I do find solace and a sense of accomplishment in small doses.

[TopCat22]

You're doing well Patrick. Sadly it's a case of living hour by hour, day by day. You will start to heal and one day look back on this and smile to yourself at how strong you were. When that day comes she won't matter to you anymore and you'll wonder what all the fuss was about. I'm taking resolve in that because I know it will happen.

[patrick27]

From reading other stories on this forum, I see a lot of similarities to my situation. One thread mentions that her ex said he was her toy and when she got bored with it, she found a new toy. Her reaction, she stated, that it was not so. I can relate to this. My ex strung me along with intimacy saying that I'm her special one all the while making plans to move on. It's hard to know if she was genuine about her feelings to me (at least at the time), had a fear that I would hate her and wanted to see me whole (act like nothing happened), or just wanted to keep me as her toy if/when she gets bored ("I'm lonely", "Please don't ignore me", "I can't live without you in my life" <-- she said these things while posting pics on facebook at his place). I think it was this confusion or confluence of mixed signals that finally pushed me to take action and cut off everything.

 

During our last few conversations, the reality of the situation was becoming more apparent to me. I felt dejected and distant. In the past when she sensed this, she would confront me about why I feel this way so I know she sensed something was not right these last few times. Reflecting on this, it seemed surreal that she wanted to carry on like nothing happened.

 

I don't think I'm a bad person or don't deserve love and understanding. But I feel my ego getting in the way in trying to say to me "she really loves you and you are her special one". The facts suggest otherwise, but, for some reason, a part of me is in denial. Was she a good manipulator? Was I just playing along because I enjoyed the attention and affection she was giving me? Maybe both.

[patrick27]

Yesterday was just an awful day. I felt extremely lonely and down. Almost wanted to email her just to have some kind of contact. Felt like breaking down completely. After about an hour, I felt better, so got some of that out of me. I'm still not sleeping through the night and my thoughts are always going towards the things I miss with her.

[venusianx13]

My position on this is that if she moved right on to a new relationship after yours ended, and she wants to maintain friendly contact whilst rubbing her new relationship in your face, that she is being pretty cruel. She MUST understand that this is harmful to you? In that case, I think she is being manipulative and is still, in a sense, stringing you along for her own devices.

 

Stay NC. It is pretty inconceivable to me that she would be wanting to maintain contact out of genuine concern or out of a true want for a friendship with you.

 

I'm sorry.

[TopCat22]

Patrick, do you want to get this girl back?

[venusianx13]

I don't think I'm a bad person or don't deserve love and understanding. But I feel my ego getting in the way in trying to say to me "she really loves you and you are her special one". The facts suggest otherwise, but, for some reason, a part of me is in denial. Was she a good manipulator? Was I just playing along because I enjoyed the attention and affection she was giving me? Maybe both.

 

You're very smart, Patrick, and very self-aware. Yes, your self-grasping ego would want you to believe that she was genuine, but our egos do us nothing but harm. Her pretty words were empty; she proved that through her actions. And it has nothing to do with you, quite honestly. It doesn't mean you're "not good enough" or not this enough or that enough...it just means that she was fickle and dishonest, because she saw another opportunity as a means to "true happiness", and she hurt another human being in the process (i.e. you). Love protects, it never causes harm. I think this will be a challenge for you, but it is temporary, and you will come out of it with much, much better opportunities ahead (and a good dose of wisdom!)

[patrick27]

Patrick, do you want to get this girl back?

 

No, I don't. Especially now that I'm reflecting on this situation and getting feedback from people on this site, reading about similar situations, etc. I hope I did not misconstrue that I did want her back. When I brought the ax down, there was no way for her to contact me or any easy way for me to contact her that would temp me into giving in to my emotions. I removed the routines and patterns (text, IM, phone, etc) and completely went NC. That, I think, was the best thing that I've done. Long overdue actually.

 

What I am missing is that level of connection I had with her on a daily basis. It was unlike or as deep as any I felt with anyone before. She knows me in ways no one else does. Kinda makes me feel stupid now.

 

Anyways, I feel much better today after letting out yesterday

Edited September 14, 2012 by patrick27

[patrick27]

I'm having a hard time expressing my thoughts today. This is the fourth time I've started and restarted this entry. My mind keeps coming back to her, but mostly focusing on the pain. Like a tight knot that I keep turning over again and again looking at different aspects of our relationship. It seems that I have to keep fraying the edges to loosen it. Whatever emotions come out, feel it, accept it but don't judge it.

[patrick27]

Yesterday was a better day for me. I focused on my business and got some things accomplished. I went to check out some gyms and I will be starting a free 2 week trial sometime next week. Also spent time with family and friends.

 

Today, I woke up feeling empty. I'm missing those lazy Sundays she and I spent together. I've been NC for 5 days as of today. After I sent the email to her that I need to move on, I spent the next 2 days checking my email to see if she responded. I have no idea if she even got or read my email. WTH was I thinking??? That I'll be disappointed if she doesn't respond? If she does respond, what could she possibly say that would ease my pain? I finally convinced myself that nothing good will come of any communication so I can say that I haven't checked my email Friday or Saturday. However, today I had a nagging feeling that I should check. When I did, I saw that she had sent something yesterday. I didn't read it and I can't bring myself to reading it. The pain is too near to reopen the wound.

 

Part of me wants just to say "I'm fine, don't bother me" and be done with it. Of course, I'm not fine and I don't think she will stop there. Is this a play on her part to get the power back since I read her the riot act?

 

Maybe I should be angry at her for the things she did, but I'm not. I don't want to waste my time and energy being spiteful. I don't understand why she can't see things from my perspective and that NC means I need time and peace to pull my s*** together WITHOUT her. NC is such bitter medicine, but the alternative is that I'm a zombied slave to her whims and THAT is something I can't live with.

 

I could use a good friend right now

[patrick27]

After calming down, I read the email. She misses me and wants to talk. Up until I got this email, I fought tooth and nail trying to resist the urge to reach out to her, but after reading this, I feel nothing. Anti climactic.