Very Fast I know, but.....

[JamesM]

And, what would I be looking for?

 

Information that backs up what he has told you. Has he been married two times? Has he been actually divorced two times? If he says he has a house, do you find his name recorded as owning the house? If you simply google his name, what do you find? Does his name match the address he has given you?

 

Criminal record?

 

Yes. Is he a sexual offender? And don't laugh. I know of three people who I discovered are sex offenders and NONE of them fit the profile. In fact, one has been in jail for sexually abusing boys. You would never guess it if you met him.

 

Finanical issues?

Yes. Has he filed for bankruptcy? Why?

 

He has offered to give me his SS# to look if I wanted. I declined.

 

Unless he was referred to you by someone you know, then I would tell you to check into his background.

 

Geez, is it possible to get married because of love rather than his credit rating?

 

Yes, it is. Oddly since you mention money, this is one of the main reasons people divorce. So, you get married and you inherit his debts. Now you get to help him pay them.

 

I sympathize with you and know about that feeling of love at first sight. However, after 22 years of married life, I know that feelings go away and everything else remains.

[JamesM]

If I were 21 years old, no kids, I don't think any one would say much about it. Just two crazy kids in love.

 

i cannot enter a relationship without trust. It's way too important to me and the foundation of a marriage.

 

No, if you were my daughter, then my advice would be the same..probably even worse!

 

Trust is not built on air. It needs to be backed up with information that supports it.

 

I mean no disrespect nor do I mean to be critical. You asked a question, and I feel that I must (as others here) be honest in as kind of way as I can.

[denise_xo]

Geez, it's almost as if I'm doomed to be alone for the rest of my life so I won't risk anyone's dreams.

 

Where does this drama come from? No one here is saying you are doomed to be alone for the rest of your life. We're saying that instead of getting married after two months, consider waiting six to twelve months.

 

So, you get married and you inherit his debts. Now you get to help him pay them.

 

Yes, you definitely need to know these kind of things before you got married. No one thinks it's going to happen to them, or they 'know' that their partner wouldn't do it to them. That's often how these situations come about in the first place.

[hardlybreathing]

Trust is not built on air. It needs to be backed up with information that supports it

 

Then rather than going out on my own and doing a back-ground check WITHOUT his knowledge, wouldn't it be better if we together took a look? He looks at mine, while I'm present and visa versa?

 

 

Where does this drama come from? No one here is saying you are doomed to be alone for the rest of your life. We're saying that instead of getting married after two months, consider waiting six to twelve months.

 

 

I've already decided to put the brakes on. I'm just saying that I don't think my daughter will ever fully accept another person in my life. She finally accepted my second husband and boy did he ever screw me over. She is now going to be twice as hard to crack.

[2sunny]

Honestly, I know he isn't rich, I know he has had set backs, I know what I need to know. Guess what? I have had major setbacks too.

 

For any one who is contemplating divorce, think again because I'm here to tell you, to get married when you're older is way more complicated. You have assets, you have children, you have so much more to risk. You just can't get married because you love someone, it's much, much harder to decipher all of the financial risks, family risks, etc. If I were 21 years old, no kids, I don't think any one would say much about it. Just two crazy kids in love. But, at my age, everyone looks ever so much deeper as to "why" "how" "what" "when". Even my own daughter is worried about her inheritance, how is that going to affect her? Really? Geez, it's almost as if I'm doomed to be alone for the rest of my life so I won't risk anyone's dreams. Screw mine. Okay, I'm just venting. I get the point from everyone. I'm totally acting out a fantacy. I'll slow it down.

 

2sunny, I'll make a deal with you. If a red flag presents itself, then I will have him checked out. i cannot enter a relationship without trust. It's way too important to me and the foundation of a marriage.

 

 

You THINK you trust him because YOU choose to believe what he tells you.

 

All you need to do is verify his info to his background check.

 

No harm in looking at what's real! I'm unsure why you refuse to do this.

 

Not doing it is wreck less on YOUR part... And why wouldn't you want to know any info you can VERIFY? I'd be asking to meet his ex wives and his family before going any further with this.

 

You need to ask THEM why the M didn't work out. They will provide YOU with what YOU can expect in YOUR FUTURE.

 

Your D is right. No need to even think of getting married... Live with him IF he checks out with flying colors - but marriage? No reason to do that.

[JamesM]

I've already decided to put the brakes on. I'm just saying that I don't think my daughter will ever fully accept another person in my life. She finally accepted my second husband and boy did he ever screw me over. She is now going to be twice as hard to crack.

 

THAT is a separate issue and it is not one that should hold you back from marriage. But give her time to get to know the new guy, too. She may see what you see if you give her time. But remember, she has YOUR best interests in mind, and she has seen you get hurt too many times. This sounds like a good daughter.v

[2sunny]

Then rather than going out on my own and doing a back-ground check WITHOUT his knowledge, wouldn't it be better if we together took a look? He looks at mine, while I'm present and visa versa?

 

 

 

 

I've already decided to put the brakes on. I'm just saying that I don't think my daughter will ever fully accept another person in my life. She finally accepted my second husband and boy did he ever screw me over. She is now going to be twice as hard to crack.

 

No one an screw you over without you ALLOWING it. You may be following the same pattern now.

[denise_xo]

I've already decided to put the brakes on. I'm just saying that I don't think my daughter will ever fully accept another person in my life. She finally accepted my second husband and boy did he ever screw me over. She is now going to be twice as hard to crack.

 

Well, that explains a lot. So I think you just need to accept that she might need some time. In the mean time, enjoy your relationship.

[hardlybreathing]

No harm in looking at what's real! I'm unsure why you refuse to do this.

 

 

 

I'm not refusing to do it. I just find it a little underhanded to do something behind someone's back. If I feel it necessary to do it, I will ask permission. I wouldn't want anyone snooping around my background and I assure you, they would find nothing - not even face book:D. I don't spread my business on the www. Although, I guess that's not exactly true, I'm here, but it seems that I can keep my anonymity.

 

In this day and age, there's simply no good reason to get married so quickly--if at all.

 

 

 

No offense, but I have STRONG moral convictions and there are a host of reasons why it's right for me to get married. But, you know I can't ignore the fact that before I met this man, I saw absolutely no benefit as to why I should get married again, except it would be nice to have a guy around to kill a bug for me every now and then. I even had a long term boyfriend to start talking about it and I broke up with shortly thereafter, because he wanted more than what I was willing to give - marriage. Wasn't in love with him nor did I want to get married.

 

No one an screw you over without you ALLOWING it.

 

Again, no offense, but I certainly didn't allow my second husband to have an affair. And, oh by the way, I dated him 3 1/2 years and lived with him 2 of those years before I married him. One year into our marriage, he was in an affair. So, time doesn't always work in your favor.

[Mr. Lucky]

In the mean time, enjoy your relationship.

 

I'm not sure this got enough emphasis. For most of us, the courtship and engagement period was some of the best time of all. Great sex, best foot forward (hell, I shaved every morning, even on my days off!), doing my Cary Grant impersonation on a regular basis. I'd be looking at going from 6 weeks to 6 years, not 6 months ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[hardlybreathing]

Great sex, best foot forward

 

Can't argue with that. Sex is off the chain . And trust me, I have had some horrible, horrible sex in the past. I thought at my age, sex was over just by the experiences I was having and THEN, Woohoo, I ain't dead!

[whichwayisup]

Live together. See how life is once the honeymoon phase slows down. You really have no idea who he is, what he's all about, how he communicates, his moods, how he handles things when the tough gets going.. The good/bad and the ugly.

 

Get engaged, then wait a year. Allow family and friends to get to know him and you to know his family. You want your daughters respect, want her to give you the green light and thumbs up, right? Well, that takes time. This will be your 3rd marriage and his. ALL the more reason NOT to rush, even if you think he's your soulmate and you're his soulmate.

[DaisyLeigh1967]

Just. Don't. Do it.

[CarrieT]

Live together. See how life is once the honeymoon phase slows down. You really have no idea who he is, what he's all about, how he communicates, his moods, how he handles things when the tough gets going.. The good/bad and the ugly.

 

Get engaged, then wait a year. Allow family and friends to get to know him and you to know his family. You want your daughters respect, want her to give you the green light and thumbs up, right? Well, that takes time. This will be your 3rd marriage and his. ALL the more reason NOT to rush, even if you think he's your soulmate and you're his soulmate.

 

This is very, very wise... Read and re-read many, many times.

[2sunny]

You wouldn't be going behind his back to check - he's offered you info to do that.

 

I think knowing is better than not knowing.

[LadyGrey]

And, what would I be looking for? Criminal record? Finanical issues?

 

 

The answer is YES, why wouldn't you check this aspect out? Afraid you might find something? If you do, you've have to let go of a fantasy and right now, it sounds like you really want a happy ending so badly you aren't taking care to make sure you are safe.

 

You wouldn't be the first or the last woman who has been badly conned by someone that met on the net. It happens a lot. Check out the website called lovefraud.

 

You are responsible for protecting yourself, please do.

 

If you find nothing, then great.

[hardlybreathing]

To all: I'vd done my background check - a few hiccups but nothing to be overly concerned about.

 

We talked last night and decided that we will wait 6 months before signing a piece of paper to bind us legally.

 

Good lord. Is there something in the water where you live that makes supposed adult 50 year olds like dumbass teenagers?

 

 

 

Yes there is something in the water. It's called a desire to be loved and to love, to cherish and to honor, just to name a few. Love is the greatest of gifts and I for one, won't give up the desire to give that gift. Dumbass teenager - I hardly think so, I am a very intellegent person who normally doesn't do things so stupidly. I will admit, I was definately caught up in the moment but I've walked it back and all is good. His response was "I've waited for you all of my life and I can certainly wait until everyone is comfortable" So, the end of my story for now is that I needed to journal my thoughts and I needed unbiased opinions, which brought me here.

 

I really appreciate your help with this - I'm sure I already knew the answers but your responses were extremely helpful. Thank you.

[JamesM]

To all: I'vd done my background check - a few hiccups but nothing to be overly concerned about.

 

We talked last night and decided that we will wait 6 months before signing a piece of paper to bind us legally.

 

Good. Hopefully the hiccups are just that. Please don't ignore them.

 

 

 

Yes there is something in the water. It's called a desire to be loved and to love, to cherish and to honor, just to name a few. Love is the greatest of gifts and I for one, won't give up the desire to give that gift. Dumbass teenager - I hardly think so, I am a very intellegent person who normally doesn't do things so stupidly. I will admit, I was definately caught up in the moment but I've walked it back and all is good. His response was "I've waited for you all of my life and I can certainly wait until everyone is comfortable" So, the end of my story for now is that I needed to journal my thoughts and I needed unbiased opinions, which brought me here.

 

Good intelligent response to an less intelligent question!

 

I really appreciate your help with this - I'm sure I already knew the answers but your responses were extremely helpful. Thank you.

 

We ALL can get overwhelmed with emotions causing us to get caught up in the moment. Sometimes it takes some pointed questions or comments to bring us back to reality.

 

Most everyone here (if not everyone) wants you to be happy even though we don't know you. And we all know how we could be as you. When others read your questions and comments with the feedback given, they may step back and take a second look at their relationship, too.

[2sunny]

To all: I'vd done my background check - a few hiccups but nothing to be overly concerned about.

 

We talked last night and decided that we will wait 6 months before signing a piece of paper to bind us legally.

 

 

 

Yes there is something in the water. It's called a desire to be loved and to love, to cherish and to honor, just to name a few. Love is the greatest of gifts and I for one, won't give up the desire to give that gift. Dumbass teenager - I hardly think so, I am a very intellegent person who normally doesn't do things so stupidly. I will admit, I was definately caught up in the moment but I've walked it back and all is good. His response was "I've waited for you all of my life and I can certainly wait until everyone is comfortable" So, the end of my story for now is that I needed to journal my thoughts and I needed unbiased opinions, which brought me here.

 

I really appreciate your help with this - I'm sure I already knew the answers but your responses were extremely helpful. Thank you.

 

Did the background check show he has been honest and up front like you thought?

 

Does it show anything worth considering asking him to clear up before you two get married?

 

Please don't ignore simple warning signs that may indicated to you that's he not honest.

 

Feeling love is one thing - and that's great - but IF he's lied to you;or withheld the truth - he's not been honest and there's no basis to trust him.

[hardlybreathing]

Did the background check show he has been honest and up front like you thought?

 

Does it show anything worth considering asking him to clear up before you two get married?

 

Please don't ignore simple warning signs that may indicated to you that's he not honest.

 

Feeling love is one thing - and that's great - but IF he's lied to you;or withheld the truth - he's not been honest and there's no basis to trust him

.

 

The background check was nothing that I didn't already know.

 

All of my assets are tied up - he gets nothing if we should divorce or if I should pre-decease him. He has absolutely nothing to gain.

 

Your concerns are exactly why I never wanted to get married again. I've had to start over twice and it was not easy either time. But, paying bills and having to do everything on my own isn't easy either. Not that I would marry someone because I'm lonely but lets get real - it would be a lot easier with additional income and someone to help me along the way. My kids live in other states and it's not an easy trip to see them, so I am for all intents and purposes completely alone. And, that isn't easy either!

 

And I know a lot about honesty and how important it is. I lived through the most dishonest marriage with my 2nd husband. I wouldn't think of marrying anyone unless I vetted them. I did ask pointed questions, such as, debts, income, assets, job security, etc. It all has checked out so I'm comfortable. Are my assets bigger, yes! Do I have more to loose than gain, yes - IF I hadn't planned ahead. I have a lawyer and he's aware of my desires of how I want all of this set up and it is being done even as I type this.

 

I really don't know what else I can do to make sure I'm protected. I think I've covered all the bases.

[2sunny]

.

 

The background check was nothing that I didn't already know.

 

All of my assets are tied up - he gets nothing if we should divorce or if I should pre-decease him. He has absolutely nothing to gain.

 

Your concerns are exactly why I never wanted to get married again. I've had to start over twice and it was not easy either time. But, paying bills and having to do everything on my own isn't easy either. Not that I would marry someone because I'm lonely but lets get real - it would be a lot easier with additional income and someone to help me along the way. My kids live in other states and it's not an easy trip to see them, so I am for all intents and purposes completely alone. And, that isn't easy either!

 

And I know a lot about honesty and how important it is. I lived through the most dishonest marriage with my 2nd husband. I wouldn't think of marrying anyone unless I vetted them. I did ask pointed questions, such as, debts, income, assets, job security, etc. It all has checked out so I'm comfortable. Are my assets bigger, yes! Do I have more to loose than gain, yes - IF I hadn't planned ahead. I have a lawyer and he's aware of my desires of how I want all of this set up and it is being done even as I type this.

 

I really don't know what else I can do to make sure I'm protected. I think I've covered all the bases.

 

Well that's good to hear! Glad you checked and glad you seem to have taken action to protect what you do have - and what happens in your future.

Best wishes to you both!

[mem11363]

Hardly,

If you were my daughter, sister, mother I would only insist that you do two things:

1. Get his credit score

2. Run a criminal background check

 

Then I would ask - not insist - but ask that you do a few other things:

1. Pull his divorce filings - his ex wives may be liars but are unlikely conspirators. What that means is that if they BOTH say very similar things, they are likely saying things that were "true for them". Doesn't mean they will be true for you. Does mean you need to pay attention.

2. Assess his long term relationships. Who are they with. Who is missing? For instance, someone who doesn't speak to their family is a red flag. Does not mean they are a bad person, does mean you want to know why.

3. Assess his career stability - this is not to evaluate him as a provider, it is to get a sense how he deals with folks long term.....

 

If he is what he "says" you won't be surprised. If there is a big variance between the truth and what he has said, you need to be careful.

 

If you do NOT do these things, you are being crazily reckless because you are betting that you can read someone who you are in love with. It is VERY hard to do that. Most people can't.

 

I'm new here so if a thread exists regarding this subject, I apologize for the dual threads, but....

 

I have a question that I really need your help and advise.

 

Background, I am very grounded, typically overly cautious and very

analytical and logical in my thinking, but, I'm about to do something very uncharacteristic of me. Here goes.....I met a man 6 weeks ago via internet, we have seen each other almost every day and we're not together we are always on the phone. We fell in love fast and hard, he proposed and I accepted and we will be getting married in 2 weeks. I need to say that both of us have been married 2x before and are in our 50s. We both know what we want in life, what we expect in a marriage, and have talked about our expectations in length. I can't explain it because it's all so ridiculeous, especially for me!!! But, I absolutely feel as though we are meant to be together, I have absolutely no reservations about jumping this fast and I feel as though it was meant to be. I should be a nervous wreck, but I'm not.

 

Dilema - my adult daughter (33 yrs. old) is SO mad at me, she will hardly talk to me AND to make matters worse, she is having my first grandbaby and she tells me that I should consider how my irrational, emotional, and reckless behavour is affecting the rest of the family. She has never met this man that I'm about to marry and because she thinks he's rushing me down the alter, doesn't like him from the get go. I want to add, that she lives 6 hours away from me - we are very close and talk on the phone everyday, so she can talk to me about anything, but she keeps on expressing her concerns, disappointments and feels as though the man I am about to marry must have some unknown motives as to why he wants to rush into marriage. It isn't JUST him, I'm very willing to rush this. I know - it sounds stupid, even as I type it, but I feel it's right!

 

Any suggestions on how to make my daughter accept this decision? I love her very much and I don't want to every disappoint her and cause her grief. I just want her to be happy for me. It has been 10 years since I've been this happy!!! And I need her blessings!

 

Do you think I'm being selfish - I really, really love this man.

[Ugh1]

Good Luck OP. I hope things work out for you. I've been married twice and both times, I was shocked to discover their criminal backgrounds. My first marriage, I was 18 and didn't know better. My last, I was 31 and I still didn't know any better. Now I have had a boyfriend for a year and half and we have a LONG term plan to be married in 3 more years. He was married before me too.

I did my BG check this time. He is clean. It helps that I knew him as a child and went on field trips in elementary school with him. Our parents have been friends for over 25 years.

The difference in this relationship and the last is that I am being cautious and careful, as he is as well. I've also done my BG check, even though I felt there was no need. I love this man. He is a good, decent man. I'm just now starting to see that maybe marriage is in our future.

You sound alot like me, a self-sacrificing individual who will give all of herself to someone they care for. My last marriage ending still makes me cringe, so it affects that "give all" part of my personality. My BF was talking about moving in with me. I told him NO. I know that it hurt his feelings a little bit, but I explained that I just wasn't ready and it had nothing to do with how much I love him. He understood, accepted it and is now happily living in a studio apartment.

Sorry, that was longwinded... I just wanted to share I guess. LOL

Good luck. I hope he is the one for you.

[Cb3657]

I am curious why does everyone think a background check is any indicator of what this or any other person has grown to be. So much of what I read here seems to be that no growth is allowed for in a person. I had trouble with the law when I was young( dwi,some other miner stuff ) but I believe I have done well with myself, I am successful and have been married for some time and have not cheated. The things I did in the past do not haunt or change my choices now.

[happyme]

dear hardlybreathing.

 

Contrary to every other poster on this thread I'm going to stick my neck out here and say go for it. You are a big girl now, and after years of being 'sensible'... (and look where that got you btw) it is about time you followed your heart/your feelings.

 

You've got the prenup sorted so he can't screw you over. Yes, of course he could murder you in the night just for fun but hellloooo...... how much insurance does a person need? You're not stupid. You're not immature. You are in love... a crazy, lovely time... but this does not mean you don't know what you're doing. I have heard all the arguments in the book, I understand them, I get them... and I disagree.

 

Most of the people I know did the sensible thing.... most are divorced/heart-broken/alone.... I married my man based on that crazy, instant, love at first sight feeling and I love him more today than I did five years ago. I also know of a couple in their eighties (with 10 kids...) where the man proposed the DAY after they met. She then had to leave the country for a month and a few days after her return they got married. They are an amazing couple... still flirt with each other to this day..

 

Go for it is my advice, and stuff the insurance companies.

 

Be happy and enjoy.....!