Very Fast I know, but.....

[hardlybreathing]

I'm new here so if a thread exists regarding this subject, I apologize for the dual threads, but....

 

I have a question that I really need your help and advise.

 

Background, I am very grounded, typically overly cautious and very

analytical and logical in my thinking, but, I'm about to do something very uncharacteristic of me. Here goes.....I met a man 6 weeks ago via internet, we have seen each other almost every day and we're not together we are always on the phone. We fell in love fast and hard, he proposed and I accepted and we will be getting married in 2 weeks. I need to say that both of us have been married 2x before and are in our 50s. We both know what we want in life, what we expect in a marriage, and have talked about our expectations in length. I can't explain it because it's all so ridiculeous, especially for me!!! But, I absolutely feel as though we are meant to be together, I have absolutely no reservations about jumping this fast and I feel as though it was meant to be. I should be a nervous wreck, but I'm not.

 

Dilema - my adult daughter (33 yrs. old) is SO mad at me, she will hardly talk to me AND to make matters worse, she is having my first grandbaby and she tells me that I should consider how my irrational, emotional, and reckless behavour is affecting the rest of the family. She has never met this man that I'm about to marry and because she thinks he's rushing me down the alter, doesn't like him from the get go. I want to add, that she lives 6 hours away from me - we are very close and talk on the phone everyday, so she can talk to me about anything, but she keeps on expressing her concerns, disappointments and feels as though the man I am about to marry must have some unknown motives as to why he wants to rush into marriage. It isn't JUST him, I'm very willing to rush this. I know - it sounds stupid, even as I type it, but I feel it's right!

 

Any suggestions on how to make my daughter accept this decision? I love her very much and I don't want to every disappoint her and cause her grief. I just want her to be happy for me. It has been 10 years since I've been this happy!!! And I need her blessings!

 

Do you think I'm being selfish - I really, really love this man.

[JamesM]

Your daughter may be looking at this objectively and does not want to see you get hurt.

 

While I agree that we do know more as we get older (I am 48), I also know that we can still make the same mistakes. You both have been married twice. You both (I assume) have been divorced twice (unless a spouse died).

 

Six weeks is NOT enough time to really get to know a person. He may be the one for you. You may both be great together. But based on what you have said, I can't see how you know enough about each other to make that conclusion yet.

 

Questions: Who is the one that wants to hurry up and get married t he most? Who does or did want to slow things down? Why are you in such a hurry?

 

Have you met his family? Why was he divorced? Why were you divorced? Have you verified what he has told you by talking with someone else? What are his finances like? Does he have a good paying job? Does he have a house and car?

 

Please don't be offended by my questions, but at 48, I can concur with your daughter...this may be a bit too quick even if you are sure. I have met people who have said what you have said and sometimes they are right, but I remember a guy who told me he had met the one and just knew she was the one. He was around 50 at the time. Three MONTHS after they were married she left him. So it can go both ways.

 

Personally, I would feel more comfortable (if I were your daughter) if you waited at least six months before marriage.

 

But having said that...all you can do is introduce your daughter to your BF and let her decide if you made the right choice. Perhaps this will make her understand why you feel as you do.

[denise_xo]

What's the point of getting married after two months? Why the rush?

[denise_xo]

Six weeks is NOT enough time to really get to know a person. He may be the one for you. You may both be great together. But based on what you have said, I can't see how you know enough about each other to make that conclusion yet.

 

This.

 

The reality is that you don't know, even if it turns out that you are great together. You just don't see how that could even be an option because you are high on love hormones. Keep enjoying those love hormones but don't make any life changing decisions until they have calmed down a bit.

 

To turn it on its head:

Before she got married, if your daughter had come to you and told you that she was about to marry someone she had met six weeks ago, what advice would you have given her?

[AlexDP]

What are the material benefits of getting married? Are there any particular legal and financial benefits? If you're both in your fifties I'm guessing you're pretty independent financially so there's no real need to get married. The possible downsides on the other hand are definitely there. It could blow up in your face.

 

So yeah, even if it might end up being great, it is a pretty stupid thing to do.

[hardlybreathing]

There is no logical reason for the rush. We can slow things down any time we want, but neither of us want to. It is a mutual decision, no one is pursuading the other.

 

No, I haven't me his family, no he hasn't met mine. They all live a distance away and it isn't that easy for us to take leave from our jobs. He has a great job, a car as do I.

 

 

To turn it on its head:

Before she got married, if your daughter had come to you and told you that she was about to marry someone she had met six weeks ago, what advice would you have given her?

 

She proposed the same scenerio and my answer was, I wouldn't like it but if you're happy so am I. But it's a little lop sided because she would have never been married before and wouldn't know what could happen in a marriage.

 

Look, I know the right thing would be to wait, why we're rushing - can't explain it.

 

I got a divorce #1 due to neglet, #2 because of an long term affair my ex was having. Him because of other reasons.

 

I really appreciate your input and I know even as I type this, the logical thing is to wait, but dang it, I'm so damned tired of being predictable, logical and everyone's anchor. For once in my life, I would love to go on MY feelings and consider what I want for a change. Sounding a little bitter here I'm sure, but I've always tried to do the right thing even if it sacrificied my own happiness. Now that I have finally found happiness and someone that I actually would marry (and trust me, I NEVER intended to get married again - I was done with that concept), I want everyone to be happy for me.

[denise_xo]

She proposed the same scenerio and my answer was, I wouldn't like it but if you're happy so am I. But it's a little lop sided because she would have never been married before and wouldn't know what could happen in a marriage.

 

To be quite honest, it doesn't sound like you know, either. Because if you did, you would know that six weeks isn't enough to for two people to establish long term compatibility (in an arranged marriage, it might be, but not in a 'love' marriage).

 

For once in my life, I would love to go on MY feelings and consider what I want for a change.

 

I don't think anyone is arguing that you can't do what you want. We're just questioning whether it's smart and in your long term interest. By all means, continue seeing this guy as much as you want. But why tie the knot so early? If there's no real reason, as you say, then why not just wait?

[hardlybreathing]

I appreciate your replies because that's what I needed. Some unbiased advise and opinions. Some family members and friends are very happy for me and tell me to go for it; others just look at me with the raised eyebrows. So I'm very conflicted.

 

I will talk to my fiance' about waiting, but waiting would be more for everyone to feel more comfortable with our decision. Believe it or not, I'm sure. Every box is checked for husband qualities.

[JamesM]

There is no logical reason for the rush. We can slow things down any time we want, but neither of us want to. It is a mutual decision, no one is pursuading the other.

 

No, I haven't me his family, no he hasn't met mine. They all live a distance away and it isn't that easy for us to take leave from our jobs. He has a great job, a car as do I.

 

I would want to do this for many reasons, but one big one is what you have already encountered with your own daughter: will they accept you any better than she accepts him? And if they don't, are you prepared to let them get between? One of the biggest reasons second or third marriages break when there are children is...the children.

 

She proposed the same scenerio and my answer was, I wouldn't like it but if you're happy so am I. But it's a little lop sided because she would have never been married before and wouldn't know what could happen in a marriage.

 

Actually, since every marriage is different, you don't know what would happen in this marriage either. Being experienced in marriage is NOT a guarantee that the next marriage will be better. Ask Larry King! And the guy I mentioned who divorced after three months was on his third wife, and he just knew. I can still see his face when he told me.

 

Look, I know the right thing would be to wait, why we're rushing - can't explain it.

 

I can. It is the emotional high that you are both on. I know the feeling.

 

I got a divorce #1 due to neglet, #2 because of an long term affair my ex was having. Him because of other reasons.

 

Curious what his other reasons are. And you only know what he has told you, I assume. As for you, I wonder why you would rush knowing that your last husband cheated on you. Not sure what neglect is, but after the excitement has worn off, how will this man treat you?

 

Patience, my dear, patience.

 

I really appreciate your input and I know even as I type this, the logical thing is to wait, but dang it, I'm so damned tired of being predictable, logical and everyone's anchor. For once in my life, I would love to go on MY feelings and consider what I want for a change.

 

Being logical is not the opposite of doing what you want. It is simply being certain that it is the correct decision.

 

Sounding a little bitter here I'm sure, but I've always tried to do the right thing even if it sacrificied my own happiness. Now that I have finally found happiness and someone that I actually would marry (and trust me, I NEVER intended to get married again - I was done with that concept), I want everyone to be happy for me.

 

I don't think you can expect everyone to be happy for you, and I don't think you need to have everyone be happy for you. What I think shouldn't even matter. What should matter is that you have thoroughly thought out this before making a decision. Impulsiveness with facts makes for a good decision and an great result. Take away the facts and you are taking a big risk. Based on what you have said, I don't think you have all of the facts yet.

 

I would be very happy for you and hope he is the right one. But since you asked, I think a little more time and research is necessary.

[JamesM]

I appreciate your replies because that's what I needed. Some unbiased advise and opinions. Some family members and friends are very happy for me and tell me to go for it; others just look at me with the raised eyebrows. So I'm very conflicted.

 

I will talk to my fiance' about waiting, but waiting would be more for everyone to feel more comfortable with our decision. Believe it or not, I'm sure. Every box is checked for husband qualities.

 

And the bolded sentence is why you might consider waiting until you can say to the naysayers, "There is no conflict."

[denise_xo]

I appreciate your replies because that's what I needed. Some unbiased advise and opinions. Some family members and friends are very happy for me and tell me to go for it; others just look at me with the raised eyebrows. So I'm very conflicted.

 

I will talk to my fiance' about waiting, but waiting would be more for everyone to feel more comfortable with our decision. Believe it or not, I'm sure. Every box is checked for husband qualities.

 

I certainly believe that you feel sure. I'm just saying that you don't really have the evidence that you would normally need to make that decision. If you want to take a decision based on a feeling of love hormones, you have every right to do that. I just don't think it's that smart and I've seen it backfire.

[denise_xo]

I can. It is the emotional high that you are both on. I know the feeling.

 

Quoted for truth.

[whichwayisup]

I met a man 6 weeks ago via internet, we have seen each other almost every day and we're not together we are always on the phone. We fell in love fast and hard, he proposed and I accepted and we will be getting married in 2 weeks.

 

What...Is...The...Rush? You DO NOT know this man after six weeks. Rightfully so your daughter should be angry at you. You are making a big decision that WILL affect everbody's life, not just yours. Your own daughter hasn't even met this man, yet you're willing to up and marry him.

 

RED FLAGS.

 

Explain to me why this all has to happen within 2 weeks?

 

RED FLAGS. Do you not see them?

[whichwayisup]

I appreciate your replies because that's what I needed. Some unbiased advise and opinions. Some family members and friends are very happy for me and tell me to go for it; others just look at me with the raised eyebrows. So I'm very conflicted.

 

I will talk to my fiance' about waiting, but waiting would be more for everyone to feel more comfortable with our decision. Believe it or not, I'm sure. Every box is checked for husband qualities.

 

Each of you have been married twice. Do you know the real details as to why his marriages fell apart?

 

Why not take a year and live together, get to know eachother more..Allow both of you to get to know eachothers families and some friends.

 

Imagine marrying this guy and you find out he's a complete narcissist or an abuser! Never say never..People who are like that, hide it well and their true colours come out once married.

 

(IF YOU DO decide to marry him..PRE NUP!!!!!)

[LittleTiger]

I really, really love this man.

 

If you have known this man for only 6 weeks then you do not really, really love him. You can't really, really love him because you don't know him properly. You have enough life experience and relationship experience to be fully aware of that and yet you are allowing your hormones and emotions to override your rational, 'grown up' side.

 

You are currently infatuated with this man - like a 16 year old might be infatuated with her new boyfriend. That is not love.

 

That said, you are old enough to make your own decisions and your own mistakes and if you want to marry a man you don't know, then go for it - be impulsive and enjoy the ride, wherever it takes you. It is not up to anyone here to judge you for that.

 

What I would say is that there is clearly some part of you that isn't sure you are doing the right thing. Otherwise why post on a public message forum asking for other people's opinions on whether you are being selfish?

 

Your choice of partner is your choice, not your 33 year old daughter's, and I'm guessing you already know that. You don't need her blessing, you want it! Big difference. There is nothing you can do that will make your daughter accept your decision - other than give her time.

 

Why not compromise? Get engaged and set a date for 6 months or 12 months down the line. That way, you and your man will be making a public commitment and a declaration of your 'love', whist at the same time acting with a little common sense. You will also be giving your daughter the time she needs to see that you really are going to live 'happily ever after'.

[2sunny]

I appreciate your replies because that's what I needed. Some unbiased advise and opinions. Some family members and friends are very happy for me and tell me to go for it; others just look at me with the raised eyebrows. So I'm very conflicted.

 

I will talk to my fiance' about waiting, but waiting would be more for everyone to feel more comfortable with our decision. Believe it or not, I'm sure. Every box is checked for husband qualities.

 

You couldn't possibly KNOW HIM - you just know what HE WANTS you to know.

 

You haven't met his family and friends.

 

You love his ILLUSION. You don't REALLY know him yet.

 

HaveYOU done a background search on him? I would! Pay $50 to find out IF there's anything you need to know - I've done it and I was SHOCKED to find info that several men NEVER intended for me to find out.

 

Do that TODAY!

 

Do you have money? Be sure to consider a prenup IF you get M and never COMINGLE your assets with his name.

 

You want to be impulsive? Go on vacation tomorrow! No need to be so extreme and get married! I can't see ONE single reason to get married at your age (I'm your age too) - unless you plan to have more babies - but that's not likely - so date him - but don't marry him!

 

Check his background now!

 

I think caution is a very good thing in these situations.

 

Your D is looking out for YOUR best interest - pay attention. It shouldn't be HER job to protect her Mom - and you could be choosing this man over having a R with your daughter - which isn't good balance.

[2sunny]

I appreciate your replies because that's what I needed. Some unbiased advise and opinions. Some family members and friends are very happy for me and tell me to go for it; others just look at me with the raised eyebrows. So I'm very conflicted.

 

I will talk to my fiance' about waiting, but waiting would be more for everyone to feel more comfortable with our decision. Believe it or not, I'm sure. Every box is checked for husband qualities.

 

The ask historiography wives why they didn't stay married to him since he's got every box checked for you!

 

You need info! Get your head out of the sand and start finding out this guys history from his exwives and his friends and family!

 

There may be good reason why you haven't yet met them.

[hardlybreathing]

(IF YOU DO decide to marry him..PRE NUP!!!!!)

 

That's already in the works. I'm not stupid! And, he is very aware of its contents.

 

I know I sound totally childish, this sounds like some 16 year old love struck teenie bopper stuff, which is why I posted on this forum. To clarify myself, I am not conflicted in my decision, only conflicted on how others view this impulsive decision.

 

I did talk to my guy a few moments ago, I asked him to let's talk this evening. He is a good guy and he will wait as will I. I don't think things will change, because I feel in my bones that we are soulmates-no kidding - but if time makes everyone else feel better, then I will do what it takes for others to know what I already know.

 

If you have known this man for only 6 weeks then you do not really, really love him. You can't really, really love him because you don't know him properly. You have enough life experience and relationship experience to be fully aware of that and yet you are allowing your hormones and emotions to override your rational, 'grown up' side.

 

 

 

I have to disagree. I've been in love before, madly in love so I'm quite sure I know what it feels like. But I do know that we are on the fast track and even though I don't think time will change how I feel, it will change how other people feel.

 

RED FLAGS. Do you not see them

 

 

Sorry, don't see them and yes, I have had other relationships and yes, I saw red flags every where in those relationships. Just curious, isn't it possible to believe in "love at first sight" Isn't it possible that God has His plans?

 

But, I respect all of your advise and even though I would rather marry this guy and get on with my life, I will postpone that for the sake of gaining trust and respect for all the people that will be affected. I love my kids so much and the last thing I want to do is to hurt them or cause them to loose respect for me.

[2sunny]

Did you do a background check yet?

[Mr. Lucky]

because she thinks he's rushing me down the alter

Almost a Freudian slip, he may be aiming for the alter rather than the altar! I'm going to paraphrase Groucho and say I wouldn't want to marry anyone that would marry me after only knowing me 6 weeks. That alone would lead me to question my partner's judgement and character...

 

Mr. Lucky

[denise_xo]

....but if time makes everyone else feel better, then I will do what it takes for others to know what I already know.

 

If you think that, as the only person on this planet, you are capable of establishing marital compatibility in the course of six weeks, then I would just go ahead if I were you.

[hardlybreathing]

Did you do a background check yet?

 

And, what would I be looking for? Criminal record? Finanical issues?

 

He has offered to give me his SS# to look if I wanted. I declined. Geez, is it possible to get married because of love rather than his credit rating?

 

That alone would lead me to question my partner's judgement and character...

 

 

 

I would have agreed with you 100% a few months ago, but I could say the same for him. I'm not the victim, I'm a willing partner. Maybe he should question my judgment and character. Which I may say, is impeccable.

 

I really do thank you all and I'm not trying to be argumentative, I guess I'm trying to talk myself into being logical once again in my thinking. As I stated in the beginning, I am ALWAYS logical and never act on impulses.

 

If you think that, as the only person on this planet, you are capable of establishing marital compatibility in the course of six weeks, then I would just go ahead if I were you

 

Phew, how do you really feel? . Seriously, I understand that 6 weeks is totally dumb. I know it, but I just don't feel it.

[denise_xo]

Phew, how do you really feel? . Seriously, I understand that 6 weeks is totally dumb. I know it, but I just don't feel it.

 

Just trying a different version of 'reality check'

 

Seriously, I've seen this scenario before. Sometimes it works out. Sometimes it turns out really badly (restraining orders, tons of financial issues, etc etc). Common to those scenarios were that in all cases, they were all so sure that it was the one, the soul mate, that they were meant to be, etc. EVERYONE says that when they are infatuated with someone. In that state, they all 'know' things that others for some reason just appear incapable of understanding. And so on.

 

Enjoy the guy, go on with your life with him, have fun. You can do all that without marrying after eight weeks.

[2sunny]

And, what would I be looking for? Criminal record? Finanical issues?

 

He has offered to give me his SS# to look if I wanted. I declined. Geez, is it possible to get married because of love rather than his credit rating?

 

 

 

I would have agreed with you 100% a few months ago, but I could say the same for him. I'm not the victim, I'm a willing partner. Maybe he should question my judgment and character. Which I may say, is impeccable.

 

I really do thank you all and I'm not trying to be argumentative, I guess I'm trying to talk myself into being logical once again in my thinking. As I stated in the beginning, I am ALWAYS logical and never act on impulses.

 

 

 

Phew, how do you really feel? . Seriously, I understand that 6 weeks is totally dumb. I know it, but I just don't feel it.

 

Just look! Look be ause you can! And because you need to find out any and all info on a man you are considering marrying!

 

Are you afraid to find out if his info is exactly what he's TOLD YOU?

 

Be smart! Go look it up!

[hardlybreathing]

Honestly, I know he isn't rich, I know he has had set backs, I know what I need to know. Guess what? I have had major setbacks too.

 

For any one who is contemplating divorce, think again because I'm here to tell you, to get married when you're older is way more complicated. You have assets, you have children, you have so much more to risk. You just can't get married because you love someone, it's much, much harder to decipher all of the financial risks, family risks, etc. If I were 21 years old, no kids, I don't think any one would say much about it. Just two crazy kids in love. But, at my age, everyone looks ever so much deeper as to "why" "how" "what" "when". Even my own daughter is worried about her inheritance, how is that going to affect her? Really? Geez, it's almost as if I'm doomed to be alone for the rest of my life so I won't risk anyone's dreams. Screw mine. Okay, I'm just venting. I get the point from everyone. I'm totally acting out a fantacy. I'll slow it down.

 

2sunny, I'll make a deal with you. If a red flag presents itself, then I will have him checked out. i cannot enter a relationship without trust. It's way too important to me and the foundation of a marriage.