How do you start an affair?

[JamesM]

Okay, that may seem like a weird question, but since I am in a sexless marriage and I know that I am in a position that makes me like the idea of an affair....I ask the question.

 

How does an affair start? How did your start? Did you know he or she was married? What did you seek from the affair or looking back...what do you get from the affair?

 

Why do you like your MM or MW as compared to your spouse? As far as looks or personality, how does your affair partner compare to your spouse?

 

How do/did you keep it a secret? How long have you been in it? Is it still as enjoyable? What do you see as the future of your affair?

 

Any other info?

 

Just curious.

[Bailey14]

James, do yourself and any potential affair partner a huge favor and get out of your sexless marriage before you embark on another relationship. I never intended to fall in love with the man I am involved with(an old high school flame 44 years later)and he never intended to fall in love with me. We did and now we deal with the consequences......I feel sad and lonely a lot(I am single)

and he feels guilty and worries about losing me a lot. Your intentions may be to satisfy your libido but, there a distinct possibility that feelings will develop and it will torment you and her. You have a choice right now......either learn to live in a sexless marriage or end it. Don't be a cake eater!!?

[carhill]

James, for those who aren't aware of your backstory, perhaps you could provide a relevant link to it.

 

For some people here, cheating and affair are all the same thing and this forum gets a lot of negative discussion and opinions. Your situation is different, since your wife literally told you to get sex somewhere else, according to your postings. That's outlier to what is normally read in here.

 

An internet dating site for married people seeking affairs/sexual partners would be a good start. Adult Friend Finder is one which comes to mind. There are others. Also, I ran into numerous people on mainline dating sites who were 'separated'. That's all ambiguous. What does 'separated' mean?

 

I had another idea. Re-write the marital agreement so you can remain married and have a girlfriend/lover/mistress. This would apply bi-laterally. Though it isn't talked about, it happens, especially in cultures where affairs aren't treated the same way as they are here in the US.

 

Good luck.

[Bailey14]

James, I was not aware of your situation. And I hope you do not construe my message to be judgmental.....my EA/PA has been going on for over two years.

I am in no position to judge. Just be careful. Please.

[carhill]

OP, one question to ask yourself is, presuming you are still invested emotionally in your married life, can you compartmentalize sex and emotion to the extent you can resolve the physical and emotional impact of intimate contact with another person versus the marital investment. Some people can do this; some can't.

[carhill]

James, since many readers who 'hang out' in the infidelity and OW/OM forums are not aware of your history, I hope you won't mind if I post up the link to part of it:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/201696-if-you-want-sex-then-you-will-have-get-somewhere-else

 

The discussion within should provide clarity for respondents.

[Owl]

OP, one question to ask yourself is, presuming you are still invested emotionally in your married life, can you compartmentalize sex and emotion to the extent you can resolve the physical and emotional impact of intimate contact with another person versus the marital investment. Some people can do this; some can't.

 

It's a very valid question...but even then I'd caution the OP to bear in mind that many, many people START an affair with the intent of keeping it "purely physical" and even believe that they can...but then over the course of things find themselves more and more emotionally involved.

 

Intimacy begets intimacy. Physical leads to emotional, emotional leads to physical.

 

Are you, and your wife, both willing to take that risk with this awareness?

[TaraMaiden]

How do you start an affair?

 

Ready, Beddy - go! ....?

 

James, in pure black and white, find someone with whom you have an attraction, agree that this is completely purely carnal, FWB fun, F.uc.k~buddy situation. Meet when you can, though not too often.

Wear protection, and make sure she's considering protection too.

If ever confronted, deny, deny deny.

If feelings start to emerge, either side, finish it immediately.

never ever mention it to the other person, and refuse point-blank to ever 'have a talk' about it.

it's just sex.

 

Call me.

 

[ThatJustHappened]

Okay, that may seem like a weird question, but since I am in a sexless marriage and I know that I am in a position that makes me like the idea of an affair....I ask the question.

 

How does an affair start? How did your start? Did you know he or she was married? What did you seek from the affair or looking back...what do you get from the affair?

 

Why do you like your MM or MW as compared to your spouse? As far as looks or personality, how does your affair partner compare to your spouse?

 

How do/did you keep it a secret? How long have you been in it? Is it still as enjoyable? What do you see as the future of your affair?

 

Any other info?

 

Just curious.

 

Just read your other thread. If your wife told you to find other women to sleep with then why do you need to keep it a secret?

 

Have you tried couples counseling?

[Got it]

It's a very valid question...but even then I'd caution the OP to bear in mind that many, many people START an affair with the intent of keeping it "purely physical" and even believe that they can...but then over the course of things find themselves more and more emotionally involved.

 

Intimacy begets intimacy. Physical leads to emotional, emotional leads to physical.

 

Are you, and your wife, both willing to take that risk with this awareness?

 

I second this. Many affairs do not start off thinking they are going to be more than physical, I thought mine would be a fling as I was transiting out of my marriage and it become much bigger than that.

[carhill]

Are you, and your wife, both willing to take that risk with this awareness?

Along those lines, prior to doing any marital agreement rewrites or making any firm decisions, take a couple months worth of IC sessions and really dig into yourself and see if you're up for this. Clarify things. Regardless of what you decide, if you choose to remain married, your wife has a stake in this and it necessarily should be a team decision. You have no control over what she feels or says or does, but you can be clear and focused within yourself. As you have re-appeared here after a long absence to raise these very important issues, clarity is not quite yet achieved, IMO.

[freestyle]

Wear an anklet.

 

(referring to thread in infidelity section)

 

James, I'm both happy & sad to see you back--I'm dismayed that you're still dealing with this frustration, after this many years.

 

I wish I had some advice for you--I know you don't want to divorce, and disrupt your children's lives---and that you still see your W as your best friend. But this withholding has been going on for sooo long, it's not fair to you.

 

If you do decide to take the F-buddy route, please take every precaution, including a background check--so you don't end up with someone who will bring drama into your life. It's really hard to do FWB without forming an attachment, though---I tried that myself in my mid-twenties, it just didn't work for me.I wasn't capable of remaining detached, and got myself hurt a few times. I finally realized I wasn't capable of being "casual".

 

I agree with Carhill---IC is an excellent idea.

[JamesM]

James, do yourself and any potential affair partner a huge favor and get out of your sexless marriage before you embark on another relationship. Your intentions may be to satisfy your libido but, there a distinct possibility that feelings will develop and it will torment you and her. You have a choice right now......either learn to live in a sexless marriage or end it. Don't be a cake eater!!?

 

I agree with you, and I don't want to develop feelings towards anyone. Truthfully, I don't want an affair, but since it was suggested to me, then I thought I would ask some questions. It is good to hear from those like yourselves who explain the negatives, too.

 

Your situation is different, since your wife literally told you to get sex somewhere else, according to your postings. That's outlier to what is normally read in here.

 

Good luck.

 

She told me to get sex elsewhere if it was so important to me, but I don't honestly think that was a green ticket to go get sex elsewhere. Yet by her actions she has shown that sex isn't important to her at all. I think it was said out of anger, frustration, or some other emotion. It was an ultimatum in my book and it shows her lack of concern for trying to bring it back in our marriage. This may have been a few years ago, but her action up until now have not shown her to feel differently.

 

Honestly, I don't want an affair, but as I have been told, I am vulnerable to one. So I ask the questions. I like to research for info...hence the thread.

 

James, I was not aware of your situation. And I hope you do not construe my message to be judgmental.....my EA/PA has been going on for over two years.

I am in no position to judge. Just be careful. Please.

 

I don't take it that way, and I am happy to explain why I asked the question. I appreciate your honesty about the negatives.

[Got it]

I would clearly go over with your wife what that comment means and what it may entail. I think there are many cases where someone may not be interested in sex with someone but when they find out someone else is/has, holy hell breaks out.

 

Being the legal mind that I am, I would recap it it in writing and have a read receipt for future blow ups.

 

I agree that IC would not do any harm and really help you suss through your emotions and come to a point of full acceptance, whatever you decide to do.

 

Your's would not be the first marriage where someone was getting sex elsewhere and the other was turning the other way. May not be the norm but does happen.

 

I was in a similar marriage where my husband was not interested in sex. We had it every few months to 2x a year and it was not something he seemed to be interested in or changing. We did not have kids and it ultimately was a deal breaker for me. But I understand staying for the other reasons for however long. I did love him, he was my best friend for a long time, and the other pieces outweighed the bad. Overtime, the paradigm shifted though.

[JamesM]

Pierre, thanks for all of the advice. You gave me many tips on conducting an affair. I will refer to them if I need them.

 

Ready, Beddy - go! ....?

 

James, in pure black and white, find someone with whom you have an attraction, agree that this is completely purely carnal, FWB fun, F.uc.k~buddy situation. Meet when you can, though not too often.

Wear protection, and make sure she's considering protection too.

If ever confronted, deny, deny deny.

If feelings start to emerge, either side, finish it immediately.

never ever mention it to the other person, and refuse point-blank to ever 'have a talk' about it.

it's just sex.

 

Call me.

 

 

Thanks, Tara. Great advice!

 

Oh, I would love to call you, but I have a sneaky suspicion that with you, there would be many long discussion about politics, religion and so many other topics that it would be more of an intellectual affair than a carnal one!

 

James, I just read your thread.

Something that many people forget is that when sex is good in a relationship it's maybe 5% of the the importance of a relationship, but when it's not, it becomes 95% of the issues, because sex gets tied to so many things.

 

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. Just be careful.

 

Thank you. And you are so right...when there is "enough" sex (which differs from person to person) then it becomes a non-issue.

 

Wear an anklet.

 

(referring to thread in infidelity section)

 

James, I'm both happy & sad to see you back--I'm dismayed that you're still dealing with this frustration, after this many years.

 

I wish I had some advice for you--I know you don't want to divorce, and disrupt your children's lives---and that you still see your W as your best friend. But this withholding has been going on for sooo long, it's not fair to you.

 

If you do decide to take the F-buddy route, please take every precaution, including a background check--so you don't end up with someone who will bring drama into your life. It's really hard to do FWB without forming an attachment, though---I tried that myself in my mid-twenties, it just didn't work for me.I wasn't capable of remaining detached, and got myself hurt a few times. I finally realized I wasn't capable of being "casual".

 

I agree with Carhill---IC is an excellent idea.

 

Thanks. It is good to see you again, too. I am not sure that I could go the F-Buddy route either. It all depends on the person I suppose. I am not sure that I am good at keeping it a secret either. Would I want to then break up my marriage?

 

I am afraid that I would get hurt as well. But hurting someone else with more expectations that I had would not feel good either. Pierre had a good point: pick someone who has the same expectations. The question becomes: could both persons KEEP those expectations?

 

Thanks for the input. I am hoping to also get some more like LFH's post answering my questions irrelevant of me.

[carhill]

Relevant to the thread title, one way which may have traction is to put the 'vibe' out there, not overtly, but within your 'aura', that you are available in some way. I noticed this markedly after our M went downhill. Married women in particular picked up on something I was giving off unconsciously and that was when I started getting 'approached' more. Nothing sexual came of those dynamics but it opened my eyes, in retrospect after clarifying in MC, to what my own perspectives and feelings were bringing to the dynamic.

 

Perhaps a married woman in similar circumstances and with similar expectations would be a potential.

[JamesM]

Relevant to the thread title, one way which may have traction is to put the 'vibe' out there, not overtly, but within your 'aura', that you are available in some way. I noticed this markedly after our M went downhill. Married women in particular picked up on something I was giving off unconsciously and that was when I started getting 'approached' more. Nothing sexual came of those dynamics but it opened my eyes, in retrospect after clarifying in MC, to what my own perspectives and feelings were bringing to the dynamic.

 

Perhaps a married woman in similar circumstances and with similar expectations would be a potential.

 

Thanks, carhill. Interesting thought. Not sure how I would do that.

 

But I guess I did put out the vibe here, didn't I?

[carhill]

I did it by wondering, in their presence, if they could share with me what was missing and unresolvable in my M. It was a feeling and thought process and body language which reflected my perspective at the time. I also have noticed this with MW's. They don't have to say anything. It's a 'hmm, what's that?' unspoken human communication.

[carhill]

Pierre, read the thread I linked above. It will answer all your questions. The OP isn't interested in cheating; he's interested in contemplating an open, disclosed, and agreed-to process of getting his sexual intimacy needs met. His wife has already suggested as much in plain language.

[JamesM]

The OP isn't interested in cheating; he's interested in contemplating an open, disclosed, and agreed-to process of getting his sexual intimacy needs met. His wife has already suggested as much in plain language.

 

The wife has not agreed to such even though she stated such while emotional.

 

However, I never gave her an okay to withhold sex as she has for so long. I never said that if she felt sex was a burden, then she should no longer have it with me. Au contraire!

 

And for me that is the problem I have always had. Why can one person withhold sex and not be considered a cheater, while if the other one gets it elsewhere, he or she is a cheater? Technically, both are cheaters.

 

But the point of this thread was simply to ask: how did your affair start? Etc.?

[AnotherRound]

Okay, that may seem like a weird question, but since I am in a sexless marriage and I know that I am in a position that makes me like the idea of an affair....I ask the question.

 

As I stated in another thread, I would honestly try to figure out WHY she is not interested in having sexual intimacy with you. I read your story, and it doesn't seem to be answered. Is she not feeling emotionally connected? Because that can be worked on, if both are willing and able.

 

How does an affair start? How did your start? Did you know he or she was married? What did you seek from the affair or looking back...what do you get from the affair?

 

It starts like any relationship, or did in my case. I met my exMM through mutual friends, he was not honest with me initially about being M, I found out 3 weeks in to "dating" him and confronted him. He didn't deny it at that point, he explained what his reasons were for doing so (much like your reasons, only he was missing emotional connection also, which for him, is VERY tied up in sexual connection.) I wish that he would have been honest with me from the get go, bc I would not have become involved with him at all, and I did deserve that information to make an informed choice. He was very selfish in that, bc he knew that I wouldn't have become involved, and he manipulated the situation. If you are honestly going to go outside of your marriage, there is no need to lie. There really are plenty of people who you being M won't be a determining factor for them in whether or not they get involved with you.

 

I got from the A the same things I have always gotten from any other relationships. We became best friends, and talked constantly about everything. We leaned on each other emotionally, and became very emotionally close. We obviously fulfilled each others physical needs too. It was a full relationship, as we went away together, spent nights together, went out together, had mutual friends that we spent time with, etc. If we both weren't having our needs met, we wouldn't have stayed involved for 7 years.

Why do you like your MM or MW as compared to your spouse? As far as looks or personality, how does your affair partner compare to your spouse?

 

I was single, he was M. As for me and his STBxW, we are very different in personality and looks. I am also much younger than he and his wife, so my outlook on life and involvement in the world is different from her as she's from a different era. I am a Gen Xer, she is a Baby Boomer. His wife is very beautiful in the face. He wasn't going outside of his M bc his wife was "ugly" or "fat" or any of those things. He enjoys deep intellectual conversations, and she doesn't like to communicate at all. The two biggest differences between she and I are 1, I am VERY outspoken and independent and communicative, whereas she tends to avoid voicing herself at all costs. 2, I am of well above average intelligence and very intellectually active, whereas she is possibly a little below average intelligence and has absolutely no interest in anything cerebral.

 

How do/did you keep it a secret? How long have you been in it? Is it still as enjoyable? What do you see as the future of your affair?

 

ExMM and I were in the A for 7 years, off and on. I broke it off whenever I would meet a SG that I was interested in dating, so that I could give the SG my full energy and effort. We didn't really need to keep it a secret as his wife "went along with it" by avoiding it and giving "consent" with her silence. It was enjoyable yes, but it had its ups and downs as any relationship does. We argued at times, disagreed at times. Mostly, the issues in my A were about the relationship being an A in that I have a hard time with people not handling their business appropriately. Imo, they were both unhappy, and neither willing to work on it, so, what's the point in being M at that point? So for us, the fact that I disagreed with what he was doing, despite my being involved with him whilst doing it, was the biggest issue we had over the years.

 

Any other info?

 

It is nearly impossible to become involved in a relationship of this type without emotions becoming involved. For men or women. I think that you may be kidding yourself is you believe that you are JUST going to have your sexual needs met outside of the M, and then everything at home will just putt along as normal. For the majority of men, the act of sexual intimacy with one partner for an extended period of time begets emotional closeness. Your wife may very well be okay with you stepping out for "just sex", but may have an entirely different reaction if you were to become emotionally involved as well. I don't think you can have one and not the other, unless you are just consistently having one night stands. Unless you're just going to walk in, have sex, and leave immediately... you and the A partner will talk and bond. You will develop an entire relationship outside of your M that your wife will not be involved in at all, which will then test the strength of the bond that you have with your wife.

 

Just curious.

 

 

I am curious as to why you are so dead set against divorce? Why is an A your "best" bet? Are you fantasizing that you will get your sexual needs met elsewhere while your wife continues to meet your emotional needs? Bc those are VERY blurry lines in love and relationships, and I have no doubt that they will bleed into one another.

 

I think when my exMM met me, he thought the same. That the only thing he was missing from his M was the sexual intimacy. What he didn't know at that time was that he was missing SO much more in his M relationship. Our A shined a bright light on the flaws in their M for him, and it caused him even more heartache in the end bc he realized that it was not JUST the sexual intimacy, but intimacy on so many other levels that they were lacking. And, had he just had ONSs all that time, he maybe could have continued believing that. But if you are being sexually intimate with someone on a regular basis, even men aren't that great at compartmentalizing all of the stuff that comes with that. The pillow talk, the cuddling, the constant conversations... that all leads to emotional closeness and craving. There are times that exMM and I would get a movie and just cuddle together for hours.

 

Humans need touch, all kinds of touch, not just sexual touch. We bond through it, it strengthens our bonds with one another. We also need emotional bonds, and these are strengthened when we are sexually intimate with someone regularly. You get to know that person on such an intimant level, that it all becomes wrapped up together and inseparable.

 

My advice is still, to not have an A. It will only prolong the inevitable with you and your wife. If you are just wanting sex, then I would think very carefully about whether or not you will be able to keep it at "just sex" and not harm your wife or yourself or your marriage in the process. If your marriage isn't working, then admit that and acknowledge that and handle it. Just my 2 cents.

[AnotherRound]

I agree with you, and I don't want to develop feelings towards anyone. Truthfully, I don't want an affair, but since it was suggested to me, then I thought I would ask some questions. It is good to hear from those like yourselves who explain the negatives, too.

 

 

 

She told me to get sex elsewhere if it was so important to me, but I don't honestly think that was a green ticket to go get sex elsewhere. Yet by her actions she has shown that sex isn't important to her at all. I think it was said out of anger, frustration, or some other emotion. It was an ultimatum in my book and it shows her lack of concern for trying to bring it back in our marriage. This may have been a few years ago, but her action up until now have not shown her to feel differently.

 

Honestly, I don't want an affair, but as I have been told, I am vulnerable to one. So I ask the questions. I like to research for info...hence the thread.

 

 

 

I don't take it that way, and I am happy to explain why I asked the question. I appreciate your honesty about the negatives.

 

She has changed the rules on you mid game. That is NOT fair. When people get married, they expect to be able to have sex with their partners. No, it's not an issue of having sex whenever you want, but the assumption is there that in a monogamous relationship, you and the wife would be having sex. If that wasn't the assumption, why be married at all bc at that point, you are just friends. Sex is what separates our significant other relationships from all other relationships we have in life... it's the ONLY difference.

 

My exMM said this often about his marriage. That he did not agree to a life long relationship that did not have any type of intimacy. He became very resentful towards his wife bc of this. He did say many times, "I am NOT cheating bc she already cheated!". In his mind, he was being denied what a relationship entails, so he had no relationship other than in word. I can see why you are feeling this way, as she is not holding up her side of the relationship any longer.

 

Like I said, we humans, we need intimacy on so many different levels. Sexual intimacy is especially important to men (and some women). Women KNOW this going into these relationships, and I just don't understand why they feel it's okay for them to just cut this important piece out of a relationship and expect the man to stay for 50 years in something he did NOT agree to.

 

I say it again, why not get divorced and find a partner that doesn't change the rules on you mid game? I would still look it up and find out if this is a biological thing, bc it seems fairly common, and maybe it is just the way things are? I don't believe it to be so, but I hear a lot of men saying it, so I'm starting to wonder. You shouldn't have to go without a basic need on the need pyramid your entire life, that's ridiculous. Anyone would agree that depriving you of food would be unfair... sex is a BASIC need, whether some women like it or want to admit or not.

[IfWishesWereHorses]

JamesM, what is your wife's love language? Men tend to be physical and acts of service.

 

I think I've said this to you before but here goes again. If I remember correctly your wife is in the healthcare industry and worked nights. I worked nights in a critical care unit for years and by the time you've taken care of people for 12 hours and tried to meet the needs of your kids (and you have a crew if I remember correctly) you are emotionally given out. You come home and everyone needs more. The advances of your spouse can seem like just one more thing someone is asking from you.

 

I realize you've said you did much of the child rearing and housework. An act of service. I get that you want her to WANT intimacy. I don't think you're being unreasonable by asking for sex once a week. You are introspective enough to know she was emotional and frustrated and not actually giving you the red flag to cheat. It surprises me though that you think that her prior abuse once fixed would always stay fixed. That has to be an enormous part of this.

 

I think her teasing was actually her trying to give you what you want, and maybe to test if it wasn't just about sex. I would encourage that from her, text her how you can't stop thinking about it or something, then let it go. Once she feels excited tondo those things then maybe she will become more receptive

 

Unless you are looking for an exit affair, don't put yourself or your family through this. You've been here long enough to know how messy that can be.

[cocorico]

Okay, that may seem like a weird question, but since I am in a sexless marriage and I know that I am in a position that makes me like the idea of an affair....I ask the question.

 

How does an affair start? How did your start? Did you know he or she was married? What did you seek from the affair or looking back...what do you get from the affair?

 

Why do you like your MM or MW as compared to your spouse? As far as looks or personality, how does your affair partner compare to your spouse?

 

How do/did you keep it a secret? How long have you been in it? Is it still as enjoyable? What do you see as the future of your affair?

 

Any other info?

 

Just curious.

 

Since you're curious....

 

There are many ways for an A to start. Mine was pretty direct. I spent ages checking him out at a distance and researching him carefully before approaching him with a proposition. So yes, I knew he was M and also that he had no plans to leave his M, which suited me. I wanted an A, I did not want a full time R and I did not want anything serious.

 

I was not married, though I had been years before, so there were no comparisons to make with spouses from my side.

 

We did not keep it a secret, except from his BW and even that was not an act of great subterfuge, since they hardly spoke and not about anything important so he simply did not have cause or occasion to mention it at that stage. The A ran for about 3 years I'd guess, and the enjoyment never paled, but what did change was our feelings. We fell in live and wanted to be together so he left his BW and we are now together. It wasn't what we'd planned but we're happy.

 

Given your situation, if you were to pursue such a course I would suggest using one of those online dating services that hook up married men with single / married women looking for an A. There is a greater chance of keeping it clinical and detached if there is an element of transaction to it. If you meet through work or through a mutual pastime or such there is a risk of you having more in common and maybe becoming friends and then feelings could develop from there.

[Ladydrib]

Okay, that may seem like a weird question, but since I am in a sexless marriage and I know that I am in a position that makes me like the idea of an affair....I ask the question.

 

How does an affair start? How did your start? Did you know he or she was married? What did you seek from the affair or looking back...what do you get from the affair?

 

Why do you like your MM or MW as compared to your spouse? As far as looks or personality, how does your affair partner compare to your spouse?

 

How do/did you keep it a secret? How long have you been in it? Is it still as enjoyable? What do you see as the future of your affair?

 

Any other info?

 

Just curious.

 

Why not resolve the sexless part of the marriage, or if you've made a determination that it's something that cannot be resolved, why not get out of it so that maybe you can find the entire package, and maybe your spouse could too?

 

For me it started very slowly and unsuspecting. I had no idea what would develop but I'm pretty sure the man knew where he was trying to direct it. And I'm sorry, but I can't give you any tips! I wish it never happened and I wouldn't wish it on anyone else either.

 

I didn't seek anything. It was not intentional but my emotions moved faster than my intelligence and then I was hooked.

 

The secrecy was terrible. It's like being on the run from the law or something. Had it been from the law though, I would have turned myself in. The fact that coming clean would hurt people terribly keeps you stuck in the lie forever. The only escape from secrecy at that point is starting your life over, or hurting someone you care about. It sucks.

 

Just accept your marriage or end it. Life is too short for affairs or unhappy marriages.