Meeting the other man/woman in a public situation...

[road]

A number of posters have expressed their hatred and rage toward the OM/OW. Is it possible your anger is mis-placed like mine was? Just sayin'

 

 

No.

 

Their can't be recovery if you allow your self to hate the WW as much as the OM.

[xxxV]

My wife saw my AP two times at a bar. Once I was with my wife and we left.

I just said "hi" to her but my wife didn't say anything.

The other time my wife was alone, waiting for me to meet her, and called me asking me to pick her up and leave.

 

We have since decided not go there for some time. When we return, if we see her again we will leave.

 

My wife has not seen my AP in other situations, and luckily the AP quit her job in our town and it's unlikely that either of us bump into her.

 

I met her in a political convention twice. The first time we talked for 2 mins, just asked about health, work, and said that we cannot be meeting. The second time, we just acknowledge each other but no words were exchanged.

[Snowflower]

My wife saw my AP two times at a bar. Once I was with my wife and we left.

I just said "hi" to her but my wife didn't say anything.

The other time my wife was alone, waiting for me to meet her, and called me asking me to pick her up and leave.

 

We have since decided not go there for some time. When we return, if we see her again we will leave.

 

My wife has not seen my AP in other situations, and luckily the AP quit her job in our town and it's unlikely that either of us bump into her.

 

I met her in a political convention twice. The first time we talked for 2 mins, just asked about health, work, and said that we cannot be meeting. The second time, we just acknowledge each other but no words were exchanged.

 

Interesting. I assume you were the (WH)wandering husband? Is the affair over now?

 

When you saw her (I'm assuming your AP) at the political convention, was that after the affair was over? If so, why did you bother to talk to her?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

A number of posters have expressed their hatred and rage toward the OM/OW. Is it possible your anger is mis-placed like mine was? Just sayin'

 

[i'm speaking of As where the AP knows about the marriage and knows they are involved in an extra-marital affair]

 

I understand your point. It's easier to assume the AP as the bad guy/girl. In the beginning I placed too much emphasis on the OM. Now I feel that my feelings toward him is justifiable contempt.

 

The AP is culpable for their role in the affair and the aftermath of D-Day. Just because he didn't violate my marriage vows, doesn't make him innocent. The OM willing inserted himself (pun intended) into my marriage.

 

If I run into the OM, I will not give him a fist bump, or buy him a beer. I will fight every impulse in me that wants to send him to the ER or worse. That's the risk a man takes when he screws around with another man's wife.

Edited September 12, 2012 by Betrayed&Stayed

[drifter777]

No.

 

Their can't be recovery if you allow your self to hate the WW as much as the OM.

 

I think that anger, rage - even hatred - directed toward your WS after d-day is typical, normal, and healthy. A BS needs to express their pain and the WS needs to understand the devastation they have done. It doesn't mean the BS doesn't also feel rage and hatred for the AP, but I think that it is wasted emotion. I truly believe if your WS hadn't chosen them it would have been someone else. They were just willing, able, and available. Obviously, the rage/hatred must wane during the reconciliation process or it is doomed to failure.

 

A BS does not need to reconcile with the AP nor share a life with them so there is no need to put a lot of effort into repairing a non-existent relationship. When the AP is a friend or family member all bets are off as the BS now has two betrayals to deal with. I can't even imagine how much this compounds the agony of d-day.

 

I imagine putting a knife though the temple of her AP or strangling him with my bare hands. I'm sure this is repressed rage over the affair that surfaces whenever something triggers the old images of him on top of my wife. It will never be expressed, but it feels good and my imagination is a safe outlet for that rage.

[Spark1111]

I think that anger, rage - even hatred - directed toward your WS after d-day is typical, normal, and healthy. A BS needs to express their pain and the WS needs to understand the devastation they have done. It doesn't mean the BS doesn't also feel rage and hatred for the AP, but I think that it is wasted emotion. I truly believe if your WS hadn't chosen them it would have been someone else. They were just willing, able, and available. Obviously, the rage/hatred must wane during the reconciliation process or it is doomed to failure.

 

A BS does not need to reconcile with the AP nor share a life with them so there is no need to put a lot of effort into repairing a non-existent relationship. When the AP is a friend or family member all bets are off as the BS now has two betrayals to deal with. I can't even imagine how much this compounds the agony of d-day.

 

I imagine putting a knife though the temple of her AP or strangling him with my bare hands. I'm sure this is repressed rage over the affair that surfaces whenever something triggers the old images of him on top of my wife. It will never be expressed, but it feels good and my imagination is a safe outlet for that rage.

 

Ha! You make some great points, Drifter. They ring true!

 

It is NORMAL to wrongly project anger and rage at the xAP if you are hopeful of reconciling, around the 1-year mark.

 

If you are so inclined, it is EASY to cheat and much harder to remain faithful. There are opportunities every day if one is looking hard enough for it.

 

But just as a marriage takes two people, so does an affair that is sustained for any length of time.

 

Of course my spouse didn't care one whit about us and that is where I have always directed my anger, with both barrels.

 

However, it is interesting to learn and speculate all the justifications an OW/OM gives themselves to engage with a married person over a long period of time.

 

And if it was just sex, there are a whole host of ways to get that other than wrecking a BS's life.

 

So, I think it is important to note that it takes a certain KIND of person to engage in a relationship with an already committed partner.

 

And that is a pathology that alternately STILL angers me, and makes me very, very sad at the same time.

 

Sex? Can be had with anybody any day of the week. There are websites and phone numbers for that.

 

An affair? Nah, nope, that is not everybody ever day of the week. That is someone who willingly intruded on my life, my marriage, for reasons of empowerment, I would guess. They had to best me. They like the secrecy and adolescent rebellion. They ALWAYS want what they shouldn't have.

 

Otherwise, why choose married? There are plenty of single people to choose from.

[NotCamelot]

 

Otherwise, why choose married? There are plenty of single people to choose from.

 

YES! And this is precisely why I hold so much contempt, anger, and hatred toward the AP. He had plenty of other ways to get revenge against his WW.....He did not have to pursue my W.

[drifter777]

Sex? Can be had with anybody any day of the week. There are websites and phone numbers for that.

 

An affair? Nah, nope, that is not everybody ever day of the week. That is someone who willingly intruded on my life, my marriage, for reasons of empowerment, I would guess. They had to best me. They like the secrecy and adolescent rebellion. They ALWAYS want what they shouldn't have.

 

Otherwise, why choose married? There are plenty of single people to choose from.

 

Regarding the sex thing, I think that getting sex is so much easier for women that they don't appreciate what guys have to go through to get laid. A man really has to put himself out there and suffer rejection most of the time until he gets "lucky". Totally off topic, but just sayin' ...

 

A MM/OM is usually just looking for strange and doesn't care whether the girl is married or not. What about single women? I've always heard that women can be attracted to married men because they are "unavailable" for a true relationship. Is having a married FWB attractive to women for this reason?

[Spark1111]

Regarding the sex thing, I think that getting sex is so much easier for women that they don't appreciate what guys have to go through to get laid. A man really has to put himself out there and suffer rejection most of the time until he gets "lucky". Totally off topic, but just sayin' ...

 

A MM/OM is usually just looking for strange and doesn't care whether the girl is married or not. What about single women? I've always heard that women can be attracted to married men because they are "unavailable" for a true relationship. Is having a married FWB attractive to women for this reason?

 

Well, I know there are challenges for men. I understand. But if the goal is to strictly get laid, there are phone numbers, web sites and plenty of places for sex...maybe for a fee, but it HAS been available since time began.

 

And for a fee, your spouse is never the wiser.

 

Next, I would think a single partner would more willing to have a FWB relationship with a MP. They are out their playing the field anyhow. WTH?

 

The most difficult to understand is a MM and a MW. Why? Because so much effort has to go into fueling the relationship to even get it to become physical.

 

Think on that....that is what makes it so unusual in the pursuit. Just sex? Don't think so. It takes tons of effort.

 

So why? What is the payoff in fueling or seducing a MP? That takes a lot of time and finesse. Certainly not just sex. And that is what makes the pathology of affairs unique.

 

And it is why the OP, a fBS, started this thread and why it is okay to have residual anger or rage fantasies against the xAP.

 

Even many years later we are wondering how we would react to bumping into them...

[xxxV]

Yes, I am the WH. And the A is over for more than 6 months now.

 

This "meeting" was just 2 weeks ago, so it was all well over.

We had no contact for all this time and it was just a check on "how are you and your family" (we once were close friends...).

She asked about some serious health issues of relatives of mine. But if even so, I felt stupid and don't want to see her again. She reminds of everything I don't to be. Not her fault, it was my fault.

 

Interesting. I assume you were the (WH)wandering husband? Is the affair over now?

 

When you saw her (I'm assuming your AP) at the political convention, was that after the affair was over? If so, why did you bother to talk to her?

[standtall]

This is an interesting thread. I have a vague idea of what I would do, but I'm not in either situation. However, in my observation of reading the responses thus far, I would say that the majority of the male posters here are the type that say "he's lucky my wife held me back, or "he had his crew with him so I couldn't do anything"...etc. In reality, the type of man that uses his fists to punctuate what he feels about some dude screwing his wife, is not the type of guy that posts to touchy, feely forums like this.

[freestyle]

In reality, the type of man that uses his fists to punctuate what he feels about some dude screwing his wife, is not the type of guy that posts to touchy, feely forums like this.

 

 

 

I'm going to partially disagree with this---^^^ Generally speaking , I think you may be right--regarding men who are in touch with their emotions vs. men who get violent, posting on forums.........EXCEPT when infidelity enters the picture. Then all bets are off.

 

 

From what I've observed here on LS, AND in real life---the most gentle, quiet,card-carrying, tree-hugging pacifist, can be provoked to at least imagine violence, (whether or not they'd actually follow through) when infidelity affects everything they hold dear. And some people will cross the line, and get violent, even when it's completely out of character for them.

 

 

I'm a militant pacifist myself, (I've been on peace marches, even) and I have to admit, I entertained thoughts of grabbing the OW by the hair, and pummeling her. I would never do it---but for a long time I wanted to. That's what I was feeling.

 

( I had a particularly nasty OW in my story---she deliberately taunted me, and started a smear campaign against me, on top of attempting to sabotage my relationship with my SO.)

 

So, I've concluded that anyone can be pushed to the brink---if they get crapped on too much.

[seren]

I met the OW shortly after D Day, she asked for my help when her H found out and was looking for a refuge for her and her son. I worked as a Team Manager Social Worker at the time and had helped others on a voluntary basis. I almost dissasociated myself from who and what she was and dealt with the situation and her role as an abused woman. It didn't occur to me to say no to her, nor to gain any satisfaction from her predicament.

 

A few months later the telephone calls started up, the constant baiting and the icing on the cake, the saying she was from the military and that my H was dead. For a few moments I believed her, my son heard me and thought his Dad was dead and in that moment, if she was accors from me, I would have gladly ripped her head off and stuffed it down her neck.

 

I am so not violent, I am no pushover and am very assertive, but, I have never seen the need to hurt someone else either physically or emotionally just because I can or need to vent my pain. TBH I pitied her and her attempts to bring me down to her level, there were many other stunts that she pulled. My not engaging with her games peed her off far more than if I chose to retaliate. Indifference is far more effective than hate.

 

I met her again some years after, she was with her grandchild and she apologised to me, even said that had the A not happened we might have been friends. I accepted her apology, but said no, we could have never been friends as she is not my sort of friend, but said that she needed to sort herself out and not look for validation by having A's, she has had many, and propably said the most hurtful thing I ever said to her, that I pitied her.

 

I saw and see her role as an enabler, I blame my H for hurting me, but her for enabling him to do so. Had I met her in a social situation early after D Day I would probably have ignored her, then gone home and kicked some walls!!

[waterwoman]

Not to yell at her, not to get her side of the story, not to get an apology, just to see her, to remind myself that she is an ordinary woman, not even a beautiful one, just a normal run-of-the-mill woman with human weaknesses. Because when I found out it was as if she dropped off the face of the earth and she has started to take on a significance she doesn't deserve. I need to see her being ordinary, not being some irresistible femme-fatale who has taken on mythic status.

 

But I don't think I will meet her. She appears to be avoiding me and I have no reason to go into H's school.

[Spark1111]

Yes, I am the WH. And the A is over for more than 6 months now.

 

This "meeting" was just 2 weeks ago, so it was all well over.

We had no contact for all this time and it was just a check on "how are you and your family" (we once were close friends...).

She asked about some serious health issues of relatives of mine. But if even so, I felt stupid and don't want to see her again. She reminds of everything I don't to be. Not her fault, it was my fault.

 

I find this interesting.

 

Why was it only your fault? Not her fault too? What did you do?

 

Did you lie to her?

 

I'm sorry to not have read your back story. Does your spouse know of her?

 

How do you think she would react to meet up with your xAP?

[Sauron]

Why would you need to say anything at all? At the end of the day it is your husband or wife that cheated. The AP is just a man or woman having a human relationship, most likely because something is missing in the marriage relationship. I will take all the responsibility for the Affair if mine ever surfaces. My OW is not to blame. She is not an enabler, she is nothing more than a human female with human needs.

[frozensprouts]

Why would you need to say anything at all? At the end of the day it is your husband or wife that cheated. The AP is just a man or woman having a human relationship, most likely because something is missing in the marriage relationship. I will take all the responsibility for the Affair if mine ever surfaces. My OW is not to blame. She is not an enabler, she is nothing more than a human female with human needs.

 

 

with all due respect...

 

what you feel you would do in that particular situation if you were a betrayed spouse may be just what you say or it may be very different...it's hard to know until you are in that situation...

 

BTW...it's not for you to speak for your wife and what she should or should feel or do or how she should act...that would be up to her if she's ever faced with that situation...her feelings would be her own and it would be her choice to act or not act upon them...

 

if she wanted to say something, that would be up to her...whether you like it or not is irrelevant...you don't get to control that

[eleanorrigby]

I did meet the OW but it was so soon after D-Day that I think I was just in shock, confusion, and pain and I feel like I missed my chance to tell her what a piece of crap she was for the part she played in all this dramarama.

[Sauron]

with all due respect...

 

what you feel you would do in that particular situation if you were a betrayed spouse may be just what you say or it may be very different...it's hard to know until you are in that situation...

 

BTW...it's not for you to speak for your wife and what she should or should feel or do or how she should act...that would be up to her if she's ever faced with that situation...her feelings would be her own and it would be her choice to act or not act upon them...

 

if she wanted to say something, that would be up to her...whether you like it or not is irrelevant...you don't get to control that

 

True. Not that I control anyone anyway. I really don't understand the focus on the Affair partner. Wouldn't you say that the issue resides more with the cheating married partner. Do you really think the AP cares what the BS thinks, says or does? I view the responsibility solidly on the married partner. As I mentioned though, there are reasons affairs happen and that resides with both the married partners.

[Spark1111]

Not to yell at her, not to get her side of the story, not to get an apology, just to see her, to remind myself that she is an ordinary woman, not even a beautiful one, just a normal run-of-the-mill woman with human weaknesses. Because when I found out it was as if she dropped off the face of the earth and she has started to take on a significance she doesn't deserve. I need to see her being ordinary, not being some irresistible femme-fatale who has taken on mythic status.

 

But I don't think I will meet her. She appears to be avoiding me and I have no reason to go into H's school.

 

Go to have lunch! Go to bring flowers. Go to meet the secretaries and say hello.

 

Go to the workplace like other wives do. Just go to say hello to your spouse. Drop in, drop by, open access at anytime. No need to call ahead. Just do it.

 

Not to see her, but tomake your presence known and welcome there.

[woinlove]

True. Not that I control anyone anyway. I really don't understand the focus on the Affair partner. Wouldn't you say that the issue resides more with the cheating married partner. Do you really think the AP cares what the BS thinks, says or does? I view the responsibility solidly on the married partner. As I mentioned though, there are reasons affairs happen and that resides with both the married partners.

 

The issue may reside more with the WS but that doesn't mean there is zero issue with the AP. As to whether the AP cares what the BS thinks, just go over to the OW/OM forum. It is filled with negative feelings, against the betrayed spouse. Anger and hate for the BS is not uncommon. A current thread expresses hate for the betrayed simply because she is with the man the OW wants. Feelings go both ways. Personally, I see more reason for negative feelings toward the AP than I do for negative feelings toward the BS. But, it doesn't matter what reason I see, as both sides have feelings that are real to them.

[Spark1111]

Why would you need to say anything at all? At the end of the day it is your husband or wife that cheated. The AP is just a man or woman having a human relationship, most likely because something is missing in the marriage relationship. I will take all the responsibility for the Affair if mine ever surfaces. My OW is not to blame. She is not an enabler, she is nothing more than a human female with human needs.

 

You are married and she's not? Or, is she married too? Sorry, I forgot.

 

Your wife may not agree with your view of your AP. As witnessed in this thread, the residual anger after discovery borderlines on the unrational.

 

But that is just the way it is when one has been betrayed.

 

Hope you are ready for it, should your wife ever find out, OR if you discover your AP has another OM besides you.

[NotCamelot]

I am actually afraid of what will happen if my W finds out about me meeting up with her AP. (If I meet him without her knowing.) She thinks it is shocking that he wants to meet with me. She feels like he wants to say things that are not true so that I will be mad enough to "throw her out". She thinks that he feels like she will run to him if that happens. But, she says "I have nothing to hide."

[Michael Johnson]

I am actually afraid of what will happen if my W finds out about me meeting up with her AP. (If I meet him without her knowing.) She thinks it is shocking that he wants to meet with me.

 

There's absolutely no reason to be afraid of what your wife will think about you meeting AP. Personally I wouldn't do it because I won't get anything out of it except going to jail but if meeting him is what you will need then she'll need to accept it, whether she likes it or not.

 

She feels like he wants to say things that are not true so that I will be mad enough to "throw her out". She thinks that he feels like she will run to him if that happens. But, she says "I have nothing to hide."

 

That's interesting. If she has nothing to hide from you and she has told you the truth about everything and answered every question you had with complete satisfaction, then she should have no problem with you meeting this hobag. Honestly man she shouldn't be trying to dictate how you go about your healing process, nor should you be afraid of her feelings. After all, this is none of your fault.

[NotCamelot]

Honestly man she shouldn't be trying to dictate how you go about your healing process, nor should you be afraid of her feelings. After all, this is none of your fault.

 

Oh, she is not telling me not to meet with him. She just feels like he is desparate and wants to continue to interfere.

 

Honestly, part of me wants to meet to see if I get the same answers from him that I got from her.

 

 

The stronger part of me wants to get this all behind me. Meeting with that scum will probably regenerate some feelings that I have already started letting go of. At this point, I think I should just concentrate on me and my W and disregard anything outside the two of us. As long as she continues the way she has been and is, I don't see dredging up the past --- unlesss I really want to revisit the hurt.