sunandsand Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Its been 3 hours..... My partner has decided she wants to be apart after 9 years. We have lived together for 8.5 and currently live together. We are both 27. The reason I have been given are that she doesn't love me in "that way" anymore and that she just wants to be alone and be her own person. Apparently she has had doubts for the last year. Now unfortunately I think she has come to this conclusion largely by herself without anyone influencing her and im certain there isn't someone else. I guess this means its coming from her heart? She's a sweet girl and I know she wanted me to propose to her a few months ago but I wanted a little more time. At the moment the notion of getting married is a firm 100% no from what she is indicating. My issue is that I believe she is the love of my life. I can hardly believe she actually wants this to happen. We have great communication and have discussed this at length. I was shocked, then angry then reasonable and then proceeded to beg (highly embarrassing and although regrettable, I cant help but think it will happen again). I feel like I have lost her in an instant...........................thought I would share and see what others thought about how I might win her back or whether I should give up and become a hermit.
KatZee Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 The reason I have been given are that she doesn't love me in "that way" anymore and that she just wants to be alone and be her own person. Apparently she has had doubts for the last year. That SCREAMS... "other man." She can be as sweet as you say she is. All dumpers are INHERENTLY SELFISH individuals. How many dumpees on here had their ex say they wanted to be single, and to "find themselves?" <--- I'm raising my hand. My ex had a new girl maybe 2 months later. Found out she worked at his office. I know he met her when he was with me. He was a coward, and a liar, and he said the same things your ex is telling you. You may think she's your "one" and that you're meant to be with her, but she doesn't feel the same. If this relationship is to work out, you both need to want it. She doesn't. It sucks because you're in a living situation. Of close to 9 years. So this is going to be massive change, and it's going to take time to split from the situation. 2
Tree_Salmon Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Its been 3 hours..... My partner has decided she wants to be apart after 9 years. We have lived together for 8.5 and currently live together. We are both 27. The reason I have been given are that she doesn't love me in "that way" anymore and that she just wants to be alone and be her own person. Apparently she has had doubts for the last year. Now unfortunately I think she has come to this conclusion largely by herself without anyone influencing her and im certain there isn't someone else. I guess this means its coming from her heart? She's a sweet girl and I know she wanted me to propose to her a few months ago but I wanted a little more time. At the moment the notion of getting married is a firm 100% no from what she is indicating. My issue is that I believe she is the love of my life. I can hardly believe she actually wants this to happen. We have great communication and have discussed this at length. I was shocked, then angry then reasonable and then proceeded to beg (highly embarrassing and although regrettable, I cant help but think it will happen again). I feel like I have lost her in an instant...........................thought I would share and see what others thought about how I might win her back or whether I should give up and become a hermit. You guys started seeing each other at 19. That is waaaaaay too young for anyone to have a real relationships in my opinion. You guys grew up while in a relationship. Most of those situation fail because the people develop into who they really are over that time. My advice to you after having gone through that in my time is just move on as quickly as you can. You're in the perfect age
AlexDP Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 That SCREAMS... "other man." She can be as sweet as you say she is. All dumpers are INHERENTLY SELFISH individuals. How many dumpees on here had their ex say they wanted to be single, and to "find themselves?" <--- I'm raising my hand. My ex had a new girl maybe 2 months later. Found out she worked at his office. I know he met her when he was with me. He was a coward, and a liar, and he said the same things your ex is telling you. You may think she's your "one" and that you're meant to be with her, but she doesn't feel the same. If this relationship is to work out, you both need to want it. She doesn't. It sucks because you're in a living situation. Of close to 9 years. So this is going to be massive change, and it's going to take time to split from the situation. No. They are not. Sometimes relationships end, because there is no life left in the relationship. I have never experienced this myself, but I have seen it happen to others. And no one else was involved. But I do admit that in these cases it was generally a mutual break up.
KatZee Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 No. They are not. Sometimes relationships end, because there is no life left in the relationship. I have never experienced this myself, but I have seen it happen to others. And no one else was involved. But I do admit that in these cases it was generally a mutual break up. OK well lets exclude those "generally mutual breakups" because this isn't one. He doesn't want to split with her. She's leaving him to "go be single" and to "be on her own." SELFISH. No desire to work on it, no desire to bring some life back, despite 9 years and living together for virtually the same amount of time. I can almost bet there's some guy lurking in the background. Not saying she's cheated, but perhaps she is starting to notice someone and is realizing she's feeling things... she may want to be single to explore those things.
2sunny Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Then SWIFTLY show her what it's like without you. Tell her to move TODAY! Start ACTING on what she requested (to be on her own). Make sure she moves. That way YOU can adjust to the changes and BEGIN to heal and move FORWARD. Best to get it over with quickly so she sees what her decision created. Don't allow her to buy time - you don't worry about where she's going or any details - just make sure and tell her the deadline is now TODAY! If she needs to - she can stay in a hotel! Every decision we make has consequences. Since SHE wants change - SHE should be the one to make that change happen = she moves now. Can you tell her that? 1
LoverOfDance Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 I don't understand how two ppl can be together for that amount of time and not be married except if you don't believe in marriage. I think it's strange that she all of a sudden wants to be on her own and be single after so many years of being with you. Something must have happened to have caused her to make that decision. I don't think she's telling you everything. I think you need to talk to her and find out what it is she's not telling you. 1
soccerrprp Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 (edited) I'll have to say that by just reading the first couple of lines of the OP, my thought was "the guy didn't propose and what the heck, why would you live with someone for 9-years and not make the commitment????!!!" Did everyone miss the part about him "knowing" that his gf wanted him to propose a few months ago???? AND HE WANTED MORE TIME!!!??? After 9-years, he wanted MORE time! Selfish??? The gf is being selfish??? Let's take another look at the OP here...maybe she did find someone else, but likely AFTER he failed to propose MONTHS ago after being together for 9-years! I bet she's feeling great right now....after 9yrs, the guy still needs more time! I have another view...perhaps you SHOULD let her go so that she can find someone who is not afraid of commitment and won't waste another 9-years only to ask for more time... Wow, i have another friend who went through the same thing and she's never really recovered from such a relationship.... Sorry, but the OP is clearly as responsible for the failure of the relationship... Oh, btw, she started having these feelings of doubt only in the past year??? Could it be that it started after you wanted MORE time to think about proposing to her????? Sheesh... Edited September 11, 2012 by soccerrprp
Appleness Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Sorry, I have to pop in here and play Devil's Advocate. Is anyone else missing the point that she wanted him to propose a few weeks back? As in, "I'm a girl and I gave 9 years of my life and you claim you're NOT ready?" Sorry Sunandsand, it's one thing if you didn't know that she wanted you for the long haul because she never dropped hints about trying the knot. It's a whole 'another story if she gave you hints and you dropped the ball. Seriously, you lived together for 8 YEARS! How much longer would you have waited around til your knew beyond all reasonable doubt that the moment you put that ring on her finger that Jessica Alba and Halle Berry wouldn't offer to run away with you to Bali? You said it yourself, you think she's the perfect girl for you. Did you realize this before or after she decided she's had enough and walked away. Unless you have a good reason why you're waiting such as if you don't have a job (meaning you feel you can't support yourself and might need to depend on her) or if you're in school or if you have family issues (whether they don't like her or if you have kids, etc). In this case, there may be someone, I'm not denying the possibility. But I think everyone is being a bit unfair. I think if I were in her shoes, I'd leave even if I didn't have any interest in anyone else. Read through some of the other posts where people wait for like 15 years for their LTR partners to pop the question only to have them leave for someone else like 10 years younger and get married in less than a year. Wait til some time has passed and some of the drama has died down a bit. Then try to talk TO her (this is different than talk AT her). Try to understand what she wants from you. Try to decide if you can give that to her and whether you are comfortable with whatever time frame that might be (like if she says "I want us to be married in a year.") If you are really truly okay with this, then communicate this or if not, then say that too. Whatever you ultimately decide, it has to be for you and you have to want these things too. You can't promise them just to get her back because that's called lying and yes, you will come to resent her for it. I know that 9 years is a long time and yes, sometimes people grow apart but if you truly are a good guy than no matter what you ultimately choose, I think you'll be at peace and find happiness. Don't do rashful things but at the same time, don't be that guy who didn't act on something he wanted because he was afraid. If you want it and it's worth it to you, give it all you've got and chase it. If you're lukewarm, then do everyone a favor and just leave her be. Good luck 1
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