When does the hurt stop?

[Mary Oak]

So, I have posted my story here a while ago. MY girlfriend broke up with me on July 4th. We were together for almost 8 years. For two months after that, we talked everyday (we work together) and she was trying to decide if she thought we would work out in the long run. She said she wanted to work things out but didn't know if she could ever let herself get into a position again to have to leave. I was controlling and hurt her. She became overwhelmed and I was not there for her. Her part in it is that she never told me she had those feelings. My part in it is that I never noticed... and I really should have. I just never thought we would break up and my selfishness overshadowed her feelings.

I have been going to counseling since the day we broke up and am understanding a lot more about my emotions, and the lack of intimacy I was showing.

Twelve days ago, she told me.... in an email... that she was not in a place in life that we would get back together and that a relationship between the two of us is not the best thing.

I texted/called for a day, then I stopped. Today is day 11 of NC. I avoid her at all costs at work and so far that has worked. She has not made contact with me either. The NC is super hard for me, but I know there really is nothing to say. Plus, I am scared that I would get hurt more by talking to her. Her email was very detached, so I can only assume that is how any more correspondence would be. She said in the email that we would discuss the house, bills, responsilbilites later.

My heart is completely broken. Every day seems harder than the day before. Counseling has allowed me to see my part in this, as well as some things she did as well. It has also allowed me to evaluate my feelings instead of always going straight to ANGER.

I don't really have a question here I guess. Except, when does this get easier? I feel like I will always love her, respect her, and want her, so how does the hurting stop? I am a complete mess and sob daily. I workout daily, go out with friends, read a lot, etc. But, still, I feel like a shell of who I really am. We have been going through this for ten weeks and I still hurt like it is the first day.

Eventually, we will have to talk about selling the house etc. ANd I don't know how to prepare for that hurt. I have had several long term relationships, but I have never felt pain like this.

 

ANy thoughts/help?

 

Thanks.....

[TopCat22]

I feel your pain. I'm on day 11 of NC too and it doesn't seem to get easier. Everyone tells you time will heal and I believe that but it doens't seem to help right now. It's hard to accept that your life as you knew it has just been ripped to shreds but know that you're not alone. Look around these boards and you'll see how much this happens. Sadly it's a part of life and we just have to try and be strong. Things will get better. Maybe not today and maybe not tomorrow but if you really try then you will heal. Hang in there.

[bluefairy812]

So, I have posted my story here a while ago. MY girlfriend broke up with me on July 4th. We were together for almost 8 years. For two months after that, we talked everyday (we work together) and she was trying to decide if she thought we would work out in the long run. She said she wanted to work things out but didn't know if she could ever let herself get into a position again to have to leave. I was controlling and hurt her. She became overwhelmed and I was not there for her. Her part in it is that she never told me she had those feelings. My part in it is that I never noticed... and I really should have. I just never thought we would break up and my selfishness overshadowed her feelings.

I have been going to counseling since the day we broke up and am understanding a lot more about my emotions, and the lack of intimacy I was showing.

Twelve days ago, she told me.... in an email... that she was not in a place in life that we would get back together and that a relationship between the two of us is not the best thing.

I texted/called for a day, then I stopped. Today is day 11 of NC. I avoid her at all costs at work and so far that has worked. She has not made contact with me either. The NC is super hard for me, but I know there really is nothing to say. Plus, I am scared that I would get hurt more by talking to her. Her email was very detached, so I can only assume that is how any more correspondence would be. She said in the email that we would discuss the house, bills, responsilbilites later.

My heart is completely broken. Every day seems harder than the day before. Counseling has allowed me to see my part in this, as well as some things she did as well. It has also allowed me to evaluate my feelings instead of always going straight to ANGER.

I don't really have a question here I guess. Except, when does this get easier? I feel like I will always love her, respect her, and want her, so how does the hurting stop? I am a complete mess and sob daily. I workout daily, go out with friends, read a lot, etc. But, still, I feel like a shell of who I really am. We have been going through this for ten weeks and I still hurt like it is the first day.

Eventually, we will have to talk about selling the house etc. ANd I don't know how to prepare for that hurt. I have had several long term relationships, but I have never felt pain like this.

 

ANy thoughts/help?

 

Thanks.....

 

i broke up a few days after you after 4 years.. it doesn't get easier and it's been two months for me.. i went NC for 4 weeks and felt better but still felt empty inside.. it's been 9 weeks and i feel today as the day when we first broke up.. shattered. i'm with you buddy, the best thing we can do is hang in there, and keep busy as much as possible... this too shall pass.

[Tree_Salmon]

The advice you're going to get is mostly the same.

 

Remain NC for as long as you need to get better. It might take months, it might take years, you just don't know.

 

They say every year in a relationship is equal to a month of recovery. So you have about 8 months according to that logic. I'm on my 6th week. I've gone 5 months before and felt great until my ex contacted me again.

 

You have to prepare yourself for the possibility of them coming back or doing something else. Seeing her in a new relationship, boyfriend, etc. Best thing to do is erase that person from your life. If you truly want to do NC properly.

 

It's a sad and long process but you discover so many things about yourself and reflect on 8 years. Mine was almost 6 years. I feel your pain.

[Mary Oak]

I think it is the hardest when you realize they are the one for you, but you just aren't the one for them. What a hard concept to believe after so long.

I worry about her next correspondence about the house. I know it is really going to hurt.

It is unbelievable to believe that we have been reduced to this. I wonder constantly what she is thinking, how she is doing, if she hurts like I do, or even at all.

[Tree_Salmon]

I think it is the hardest when you realize they are the one for you, but you just aren't the one for them. What a hard concept to believe after so long.

I worry about her next correspondence about the house. I know it is really going to hurt.

It is unbelievable to believe that we have been reduced to this. I wonder constantly what she is thinking, how she is doing, if she hurts like I do, or even at all.

 

Some people move on easily, others don't. Some don't even deal with the pain. Whatever the case, just move on at your own pace. It is going to get harder before it gets easier.

[hinatticus]

Hi Mary. I was hoping you'd be in a better place by now. Since our situations are similar maybe you'll start to feel better around the 3 month mark. That's when I started to feel better. Just don't let the shame and guilt get to you. Use that shame/guilt to make you into a better you.

 

Try to not have any expectations from your ex, try to not think about what your ex is doing. Focus on something that doesn't have to do with the relationship.

 

Hope you get better!

[Mary Oak]

Thanks hinatticus! I also wish things were different. I don't have any expectations of her now. SHe let me know very concisely, in a very detached email that we were done. I just can't find what my "new normal" is now. I don't know what else to really focus on because my every thought is sadness. Since I haven't spoken to her, I feel like she hates me. I feel like she is a completely different person and that really hurts. I, of course, have no idea what she is feeling (nor should it matter) but it does. Avoiding her at work is a nightmare. This really sucks. Life has to be better than this, but I don't see the end to the tunnel. Doc is putting me on meds for depression and anxiety next week, but I know that may help me, but nothing is going to stop this hurt. How can my hurt ever stop if I know she is the one I want to be with.

[Chi townD]

When does the hurt stop? When you start to let go.....

 

Does NC suck? Yeah. But, I think what hurts more is staying in contact and having the other person that you still have feelings for brush you off.

 

You have to mourn the lose of your relationship no different than mourning the lose of a close family member. It's NORMAL.

 

Here's the kick in the head. She doesn't want you and she doesn't want a relationship with you any longer. Okay, I said the hard part. But, do you want the good news?

 

There IS a girl out there for you. A girl that wants to be with you. And wouldn't want to be anywhere else in the world if you aren't with her. She's going to knock your socks off and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. You'll be her knight in shining armor and she will be your Princess. Believe me, she's out there. And, she's waiting for you to find her.

 

So, you need to heal. Mourn the lose of this relationship and then start working on the positive changes to your life.

[paperboy48]

I think it is the hardest when you realize they are the one for you, but you just aren't the one for them.

 

This is by far the most difficult concept to swallow.

 

It WILL get easier... it will not erase from your mind for a very long time but, this will get easier. You will have a new normal again.

 

I know this seems like a bizzare concept and it is a difficult task to complete....start enjoying your own company. Re-connect with yourself...fall in love with yourself again.

 

The NC is I'm sure very difficult...I have yet to expierence it. I hvae two children with the person I adore which I had a 16 year relationship with. I'm not sure I am better off or not by having contact with my Ex. I'm probably worse off because I still see, talk to and communicate with this person. Very difficult but, at the same time I get to see how she is doing, etc.

 

I feel your pain as does a lot of people on this forum.

 

Be Well!