Another sleepless night..

[Gaprofitt]

ndHi All,

 

As mentioned previously my wife left with our then 10 month old son July 1st and filed for divorce after an 8 year marriage, 12 year relationship. I currently have temporary every other weekend which I hate and miss my son greatly. Dealing with my wife during this time has been just horrible.

 

I had requested to see him yesterday as it was his birthday, she had offered via her attorney for me to see him for 2 hours on his birthday with her last week if I paid for her hotel room when she came down to see him. She lives about 2 hours away with her parents now. I refused to pay for her hotel as she has to come down anyway, of course when I did this she cancelled my time with him on this Birthday. She had said she couldn't afford the hotel but then she stayed another night anyway.

 

I didn't sleep at all last night and had a horrible day yesterday, I'm beginning to feel like I'm finally just done. Yesterday was the most painful experience of a woman you love so much doing something beyond wrong and cruel not letting a wonderful dad she his son on his birthday. I cried virtually all day and lost it emotionally at my desk a few times. It is embarrassing to the coworkers around me. I just can't believe someone I love so much would have done this to a just wonderful dad.

 

I feel like she took a knife and just cut my head off and stabbed me in my heart.. How can any woman do this? I will never forgive her for this the rest of my life.

 

Greg

Edited September 11, 2012 by Gaprofitt

[Mint Sauce]

I feel for you Greg. Don't know what else to say, it sounds heartbreaking indeed.

 

Perhaps some women have defense mechanisms that they deploy when they have to get through a tough emotional situation. Especially when there are kids involved. In their quest to protect their offspring, they know no sympathy for anyone outside that mother-child relation. Must be some very primary instinct which bypasses all reason and the attachment towards the ex-H.

[Balzac]

Most visitation guidelines specifically refer to birthdays but what a bitter shame for you. Each divorce with child custody is it's own misery.

 

While I understand about your refusal to pay for the hotel, it reads a bit awkwardly, was that a specific agreement btwn your atty and her atty? Protocol would not have you speaking directly with her atty.

 

It's wrong for her to use your child as a hostage for money. Point of fact is parents do this all the time. Your attorney needs to approach the court for specific visitation arrangements ASAP.

 

Losing access to your infant child is understandably painful. I likely would have paid for 1 night in a hotel and hoped to have seen him on his birthday. Many women become unhinged extortionists during custody battles. Your child has a right to regular access to both parents.

 

I can only imagine your pain, lost opportunity cannot be made up. Try to remember that you can celebrate that birthday on whatever next day you see him, the visitation issue is always an open one but you need to plan ahead.

[Balzac]

Best advice is to aggressively seek visitation with well defined parameters. Custody/Visitation is a war not a battle. The pain can be vast, you have every right to request makeup time. Does your county have standard guidelines for visitation? The guidelines are minimum and you can ask for more time.

 

 

 

Is she nursing your son? How frequently are you driving to visit with him at her new location?

 

Many women view visitation as a pay for access opportunity.

Unfortunately the economic facts of divorce are men recover financially within a year but single mothers often never recover. She's apparently not prepared herself if she's living with her parents.

[Gaprofitt]

Most visitation guidelines specifically refer to birthdays but what a bitter shame for you. Each divorce with child custody is it's own misery.

 

While I understand about your refusal to pay for the hotel, it reads a bit awkwardly, was that a specific agreement btwn your atty and her atty? Protocol would not have you speaking directly with her atty.

 

It's wrong for her to use your child as a hostage for money. Point of fact is parents do this all the time. Your attorney needs to approach the court for specific visitation arrangements ASAP.

 

Losing access to your infant child is understandably painful. I likely would have paid for 1 night in a hotel and hoped to have seen him on his birthday. Many women become unhinged extortionists during custody battles. Your child has a right to regular access to both parents.

 

I can only imagine your pain, lost opportunity cannot be made up. Try to remember that you can celebrate that birthday on whatever next day you see him, the visitation issue is always an open one but you need to plan ahead.

 

 

I was talking to her via my attorney through her attorney, there was no agreement on me paying for a hotel. The agreement states we are to alternate every other weekend with me staying in a hotel near where she lives and Vice Versa. I've spent over $800 on hotels in 2 months. For some reason the visitation is supervised so my mom or sister-in-law has to come over or go with me. If they are unable to go with me she has to come down here. This happened this weekend and I think it made her upset but it was the truth, I can't force them to go if they have plans, they have a family too, my nephew was in a parade Saturday. I did have a birthday party for him Saturday which i'm trying to be positive about. She texted my sister-in-law asking if all his gifts were going home with her.. She took all of his toys when she left July 1st. What in the world is going on?

 

Greg

[Gaprofitt]

Best advice is to aggressively seek visitation with well defined parameters. Custody/Visitation is a war not a battle. The pain can be vast, you have every right to request makeup time. Does your county have standard guidelines for visitation? The guidelines are minimum and you can ask for more time.

 

 

 

Is she nursing your son? How frequently are you driving to visit with him at her new location?

 

Many women view visitation as a pay for access opportunity.

Unfortunately the economic facts of divorce are men recover financially within a year but single mothers often never recover. She's apparently not prepared herself if she's living with her parents.

 

 

She is nursing him for now. We alternate every other weekend. It's about 225 miles round trip where she is living. Having him in a hotel all day is brutal, she lives in a remote area where there isn't much to do. He has trouble sleeping in the hotel room and just stares at us standing in his pack-n-play. It's so wrong on every level. He disturbs other guests crying, it sucks totally.

 

I have a very flexible job and i've been talking to my boss about working from home, i've been looking at apartments 5 miles from where she is staying. If it takes that i'll rent an apartment where she is living.

 

Greg

[Balzac]

Odd that she was granted supervised visitation.

 

What's going on is her tactic, belief that she owns your son, she has the power and she uses your son as a pawn in her mission to hurt you.

She's failing to see that a child benefits from nurturing Nd access to both patents. That visitation is for the best interests of the child.

 

Who knows why she left but she did. Unless she has her own profession, her own ability to support herself, the reality is hitting home. Child support is your contribution to your child, she then becomes responsible for her own half or portion of that plus supporting herself. Trust me, she thinks you are a vastly deep pocket of cash. In lieu of $ she seeks retribution. It's her game.

[Gaprofitt]

Odd that she was granted supervised visitation.

 

What's going on is her tactic, belief that she owns your son, she has the power and she uses your son as a pawn in her mission to hurt you.

She's failing to see that a child benefits from nurturing Nd access to both patents. That visitation is for the best interests of the child.

 

Who knows why she left but she did. Unless she has her own profession, her own ability to support herself, the reality is hitting home. Child support is your contribution to your child, she then becomes responsible for her own half or portion of that plus supporting herself. Trust me, she thinks you are a vastly deep pocket of cash. In lieu of $ she seeks retribution. It's her game.

 

Wow, that's just screwed up. I can understand her having some anger toward me but I can't understand bringing our son into it and doing things not in his best interest. I would never not let her see him on his birthday. Hopefully she will realize in the future she is harming our child. We have mediation at the end of the month.

[Balzac]

So it seems you show up with your designated minder and your soon to be ex exchanges your son, provides you with pumped milk, which you maintain frozen or chilled? Or you have to deal with her showing up to provide access to breast throughout the entire weekend?

 

Surely you have obtained a baby carrier which would enable you to walk outside with him. Does this mother insist that your minder be present with the child every moment?

 

When do you anticipate a final decree of divorce and custody ruling?

[Gaprofitt]

So it seems you show up with your designated minder and your soon to be ex exchanges your son, provides you with pumped milk, which you maintain frozen or chilled? Or you have to deal with her showing up to provide access to breast throughout the entire weekend?

 

Surely you have obtained a baby carrier which would enable you to walk outside with him. Does this mother insist that your minder be present with the child every moment?

 

When do you anticipate a final decree of divorce and custody ruling?

 

 

She brings pumped milk each time. Oh yeah I have a stroller I bought for him, he has a crib, changing table and everything he needs, his own room. He has a great setup here. I think a lot is hinging on mediation, if she is agreeable to things beyond every other weekend I think we could work on something, if not we will be headed for court.

 

Greg

[Balzac]

Try to focus on the big picture. Your son grows daily and the infant stage is brief. Your love and concern for his well being never wains. Toddlers are fun but labor intensive. He won't be a nursing infant forever. His memory kicks in around age three and you'll still be around. You've got to look ahead and make yourself understand that consistent efforts will pay off for you.

 

You sure are making extraordinary efforts now. You must allow yourself to grieve and feel this loss. Things improve in the pain and how you manage it.

It's a shame she cannot appreciate what a fine father you are.

She's clearly got her own demons.

[Gaprofitt]

Try to focus on the big picture. Your son grows daily and the infant stage is brief. Your love and concern for his well being never wains. Toddlers are fun but labor intensive. He won't be a nursing infant forever. His memory kicks in around age three and you'll still be around. You've got to look ahead and make yourself understand that consistent efforts will pay off for you.

 

You sure are making extraordinary efforts now. You must allow yourself to grieve and feel this loss. Things improve in the pain and how you manage it.

It's a shame she cannot appreciate what a fine father you are.

She's clearly got her own demons.

 

Thanks for the help, it's so weird dealing with this, it's like i'm dealing with a stranger. I've been very giving, bringing her boxes of shoes, even love letters a few times and giving her his old car infant seat since we bought new ones. I bought dr. seuss bibs for his birthday party she cancelled, now she sticks them in the diaper bag trying to return them to me. I ask for the step ladder she took as I didn't have money to buy a new one and she said we would discuss it at mediation. I just don't get it at all.. On Sunday my sister-in-law dropped him off and ask her how she was and she broke down crying and said things have been horrible dealing with all this. I think she got more than she bargained for trying to crush me hoping I would go away. This is just

the beginning, this woman is making a huge mistake.

 

Greg

Edited September 11, 2012 by Gaprofitt

[InAFog]

There are a growing number of male rights attorneys. You need to find one. There is absolutely no reason or right for a woman to hold a man's child hostage out of vindictiveness. It's disgusting. I've heard that alot of these attorneys are quite affordable as they are doing much of their work on PRINCIPLE, not pay. Good luck. I, as a woman, cannot believe the way that some men are treated at these times. It's shameful.

[maya.arrow]

your story sounded so heartbreaking and reminded me of a friend i once had, that i went and read some of your earlier threads to get some background. to be honest, i started to see a very different picture. i know you are hurting, and i know you are taking steps to improve yourself, but it sounds like your wife had very valid reasons for leaving the marriage. she may not have been a perfect person, but reading between the lines of your posts, it sounds like you had her trapped in a cycle of emotional abuse, controlling behaviour, and then trying to make up for it through weeks of "good" behaviour and gifts. there must be reasons why you were granted so little time with your son, and also that it has to be supervised. it all just sounds so much more complex than your wife just being mean and cruel.

 

i was in an emotionally abusive relationship for four years, and my ex was verbally abusive, controlling, and had me walking on eggshells. because i was constantly afraid of setting him off, i became a liar too--doing everything i could to defend myself from his temper. i also stopped sharing my feelings and would withdraw...because often times sharing my feelings led to horrible shouting matches and name-calling and accusations. does this sound like you? after the fights, my ex would feel bad and promise to work on his issues. he would buy me presents, or take me out to dinner, or be on his best behaviour for weeks. he would also write me intense and long love letters. in the beginning, these attempts at reconciliation would touch me. by year 4, i began to grow weary of them to the point i would stop reading them all the way through. i had heard it all before a million times. i also would grow angry with his gifts because i felt they were so patronising.

 

i don't hate my ex, but i don't love him or even like him anymore. i stopped loving him probably way before i finally had the courage to end our relationship. i still get letters from him four years later about how he still hopes to become a better person...and i honestly would rather not receive them. the thought of him disgusts me sometimes, actually.

 

i am saying all this, not to be cruel, but perhaps because i may have a little insight into what your wife is feeling and i feel like it's best to be brutally honest. i don't think you have much hope of reconciling because, most likely, it took all of your wife's strength, courage, and the last pieces of her shattered self-esteem to leave you. now that she has finally managed to get away, the last thing she should do is go back to that unhealthy cycle. and to be fair, neither should you.

 

you sound like you are doing some amazing work to confront your issues and become a better person. do that for you, and not for your wife. do it for your son. i don't doubt you are a wonderful father, and it sounds incredibly painful to have lost so much time with your son. i can't imagine how hard that must be. i really feel for you in that respect.

 

as for your wife, if she is anything like i was, i think the only thing you can do now is to stop hounding her with any sort of begging or love letters or promises to change or detailed explanations of how you have changed. she is probably sick of hearing it and maybe no longer cares. don't become pathetic to her as my ex became to me. the kindest thing you can probably do--and it may hurt you terribly to do it--is to just tell her that you admire her bravery for leaving you and the unhealthy environment your relationship had become, and that you now understand. tell her that from now on, you just want to work on being the father of your son, and how you can be a bigger part of his life. maybe ask her for her input on how you can work it out. keep it short. keep it simple. and keep going to therapy.

[Gaprofitt]

your story sounded so heartbreaking and reminded me of a friend i once had, that i went and read some of your earlier threads to get some background. to be honest, i started to see a very different picture. i know you are hurting, and i know you are taking steps to improve yourself, but it sounds like your wife had very valid reasons for leaving the marriage. she may not have been a perfect person, but reading between the lines of your posts, it sounds like you had her trapped in a cycle of emotional abuse, controlling behaviour, and then trying to make up for it through weeks of "good" behaviour and gifts. there must be reasons why you were granted so little time with your son, and also that it has to be supervised. it all just sounds so much more complex than your wife just being mean and cruel.

 

i was in an emotionally abusive relationship for four years, and my ex was verbally abusive, controlling, and had me walking on eggshells. because i was constantly afraid of setting him off, i became a liar too--doing everything i could to defend myself from his temper. i also stopped sharing my feelings and would withdraw...because often times sharing my feelings led to horrible shouting matches and name-calling and accusations. does this sound like you? after the fights, my ex would feel bad and promise to work on his issues. he would buy me presents, or take me out to dinner, or be on his best behaviour for weeks. he would also write me intense and long love letters. in the beginning, these attempts at reconciliation would touch me. by year 4, i began to grow weary of them to the point i would stop reading them all the way through. i had heard it all before a million times. i also would grow angry with his gifts because i felt they were so patronising.

 

i don't hate my ex, but i don't love him or even like him anymore. i stopped loving him probably way before i finally had the courage to end our relationship. i still get letters from him four years later about how he still hopes to become a better person...and i honestly would rather not receive them. the thought of him disgusts me sometimes, actually.

 

i am saying all this, not to be cruel, but perhaps because i may have a little insight into what your wife is feeling and i feel like it's best to be brutally honest. i don't think you have much hope of reconciling because, most likely, it took all of your wife's strength, courage, and the last pieces of her shattered self-esteem to leave you. now that she has finally managed to get away, the last thing she should do is go back to that unhealthy cycle. and to be fair, neither should you.

 

you sound like you are doing some amazing work to confront your issues and become a better person. do that for you, and not for your wife. do it for your son. i don't doubt you are a wonderful father, and it sounds incredibly painful to have lost so much time with your son. i can't imagine how hard that must be. i really feel for you in that respect.

 

as for your wife, if she is anything like i was, i think the only thing you can do now is to stop hounding her with any sort of begging or love letters or promises to change or detailed explanations of how you have changed. she is probably sick of hearing it and maybe no longer cares. don't become pathetic to her as my ex became to me. the kindest thing you can probably do--and it may hurt you terribly to do it--is to just tell her that you admire her bravery for leaving you and the unhealthy environment your relationship had become, and that you now understand. tell her that from now on, you just want to work on being the father of your son, and how you can be a bigger part of his life. maybe ask her for her input on how you can work it out. keep it short. keep it simple. and keep going to therapy.

 

 

 

Thanks for your input, I really appreciate it. I have wrote her letters that I don't blame her for leaving, it just wasn't a healthy environment for either of us. I'm certainly no saint and did a lot wrong, I had a lot of resentment and anger that had built up that really prevented us from moving forward the way we should have.. I've been very honest about what I've done wrong and have been in counseling for over 2 months talking about the relationship, improving myself and I have read about 15 books and my counselor gives me homework each week. It's a slow process but is certainly paying off. There is truly no reason to keep my son from me, I am a great father. She has just done a lot of things to try and get back at me for her anger which is wrong as it could and will affect our child. She denied me seeing him on his 1st birthday, this only comes once and will haunt and hurt me the rest of my life. His birthday was Monday, I didn't sleep at all Monday or Tuesday night, just sat in bed staring at the wall crying. I know everyone says it, but I really do believe our marriage could be saved despite my wrongs, I am truly remorseful and I am reaching out for help. I honestly believe if by some miracle we got back together things would remotely not be the same in a good way. I know I can't hold out hope any longer though, she will not even talk to me. Keeping my son away from me has hurt me like nothing ever has, I never would have thought the woman I loved would do that to me and use our son against me.

 

I did a lot of stuff wrong, I know that. Trust me I've learned my lesson the hard way, I'll never make some of the same mistakes I did before, I do realize some of my issues/behavior will require a lot more time to work on but I am committed to doing so, this is what bothers me most about losing my family, i'm not some guy in denial not reaching out for help. I honestly don't understand the supervised visitation, it's almost like she is trying to do everything to limit me seeing my son, she even tried to get no visitation at all but backed off when my family signed affadavits what a great father I am. That just kills me she tried to do that, it's so wrong. I have my faults but i'm a great father.

 

Greg

[maya.arrow]

hey greg,

that sounds like a horrible situation. it sounds like your ex wife may be acting out in a fairly vengeful way, possibly to get back at you using your son. it's not right, and it's not fair...but hopefully she will see that. if it's only been a couple months, it must be pretty raw for both of you still. it sucks, but the only answer to it all might be time. you are already doing everything you can do, and i know that your efforts won't be wasted. you are becoming a much better person, and that is going to make YOU happier and it will possibly, over time, win back the trust of your ex wife. you ARE being there for your son in all the important ways--even if you weren't able to be with him on his first birthday. in the big picture, what you are doing now--fighting for him, bettering yourself, doing everything you can to be a part of his life--that is what really counts!

i wish you all the best.