Boyfriend cheated; I broke up with him

[ilovemacdre]

my rant is so confusing to me. my rant is more of a whine. i am whining because of a situation that i was warned by everyone many many times was not a good relationship for me to be in. even after he has done *almost* everything he could to hurt me, he takes it a step further. he goes behind my back, cheats on me with his ex, doesnt tell me, while the whole weekend i am trying to reconcile because i was the one who stirred up everything, even though my intentions were somewhat good...i was just trying to look after myself... i ended up creating a huge drama. i broke up with my boyfriend after we had been getting along really well. i went and read his emails being the little private investigator that i am, and had to see if he was up to no good. okay in my defense our entire relationship has been filled with deception. mainly with his lies about whether or not he had used drugs earlier...and things of that nature. so i havent really had a long stint with him of good trust....where there was like months and months of nothing going wrong. quite to the contrary actually, about once a month we have a little episode, sometimes i set it off, sometimes he sets it off, but either way, his coping skills are to self medicate by shooting himself up or doing some other substance. to me this makes me really sad thinking about anyone shooting themself up but thats another story. so i have known and did know getting into the relationship that he had been sober for five years and the past 14 months or so been relapsing, pretty continuously. when i met him he had 30 days if that sober and was detoxing off suboxone. anyway he really hasnt been sober the whole time and has lost my trust each time he relapses. he also turns into a ****ing ******* every time i accuse him of using when i am always right when i am accusing him. why do i feel so bad then and i am trying to analyze why i am in this situation,where, i went about researching his emails, trying to find clues, because **** i cant trust his word, or can i? well at this point in time i figured hed lie about it because he always lies to protect his using. anyway i went thru his emails and found an email which i thought was written august 26 but it was april. i didnt tell him i read his emails because i didnt want to be the coffee pot that called the other one black or whatever that saying is. you know the usual denial, i am so perfect and you are so ****ed up game i like to play in order to 1. make myself feel better at the time, and 2. get some immediate gratification, and 3. feel better than and superior, and right.

all of these end up being so not worth it compared to the price I pay for those three payoffs of doing this behavior. Anyway, I was WRONG *this time* about the email being written in august, but why am i even trying to find **** ? it has never helped me in the past to go thru his emails, hes never confessed to anything that has been lifechanging for either of us. also he has just plain lied to me so many times to "protect" me from knowing the truth because he didnt want to hurt me. when in fact his "protecting" and "secrets" is what is hurting me because I don't know up from down with him and what is what. i mean how could i really believe he wants to be with me and loves me like he says he does when he ****ed marilyn over the weekend, and wouldnt talk to me and "just wanted to be single". he also NEVER probably would have told me he had ****ed her and just went about lieing and pretending like it never even happened but LUCKILY and Unfortunately for him, she called me and told me what happened and the truth, which is all i ****ing wanted. the god damned truth. so now all i want is the god damned truth again . i want to see the truth in this situation for what it REALLY ****ING IS. I KNOW im sad and I know im hurt but I want to know if he really does love me like he says he does and that his cheating on me really WAS a mistake like he says it was. i also want to know the truth just in everything. i am tired of being lied to and when i call him out for BULL**** he denies it and is rude??? he would have denied it til the death if she hadnt called me. is that real love? wtf is happening to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!