ddlovexx Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Hey there, Long story short I've been dealing with depression on an off for a year now. It always comes back when I least expect it. I've been really happy since I started dating my boyfriend 3 months ago, but lately life and my workload has me feeling really down again. About 2 weeks ago I told him I wasn't feeling myself and I was really down and upset. He consoled me somewhat but I felt like a burden so I just let it go. I've been feeling terrible since, but I just try to hold it in. Every time I mention that I'm having a bad day or feeling sad, he doesn't say much... so I haven't really said anything about it in a while and I've been acting like everything's all dandy. The truth is I'm really miserable right now. Tonight I'm just really upset. I figured instead of holding it in, maybe I would tell him and he would make me feel better. Nope. He texted me asking why I was upset and I answer "I don't know, a bunch of things" and he never said anything after that. I just want to cry and I want him to hold me and I want to talk and I just feel like he doesn't care. A few months ago he seemed to care more, when I wasn't even really upset. I'm really at a crossroads because I try to hold it in and always pretend I'm fine because I don't want him to have to worry about me and I don't want to be a downer... and at the same time he's usually the only thing that can make me feel better. He's generally so caring and sweet and loves me a lot, so it hurts and confuses me when I really need some consoling and I can't get it. I'd go see him or do anything just to make him feel better if he needed it. :'(
Balzac Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 He's a BF of three short months duration. You need to seek out a therapist and not depend on your "new" boyfriend for talk therapy. Depression is a miserable disease and I'm sorry you're suffering. 1
Author ddlovexx Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 Well I'm not thinking of him as my 'therapist,' but I don't think it's too far fetched to ask for some occasional consoling. And I'm sorry I'm suffering too.
Enema Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Well I'm not thinking of him as my 'therapist,' but I don't think it's too far fetched to ask for some occasional consoling. ...Except you didn't do that: "He texted me asking why I was upset and I answer "I don't know, a bunch of things"" He showed that he cared by asking why you're upset and in return, you gave him a vague, non-committal response that he couldn't really go anywhere with. You can't expect a man to read your mind. If you want something, you need to ask for it. If you want to talk about something, you need to actually say something of substance. 5
Balzac Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Truthfully and with all empathy for your depression-it's not fun to be dating a depressed girl. Needy and self absorbed does not lend itself to cheerful and fun. This is not your fault, it's the disease of which you suffer. You have not revealed how you are treating your depression. Your ability to see and maintain perspective on your disease is impaired. I'm thinking your BF is overwhelmed and hasn't brought up how to deal with your depression. Have you approached him? 1
todreaminblue Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 (edited) Hey there, Long story short I've been dealing with depression on an off for a year now. It always comes back when I least expect it. I've been really happy since I started dating my boyfriend 3 months ago, but lately life and my workload has me feeling really down again. About 2 weeks ago I told him I wasn't feeling myself and I was really down and upset. He consoled me somewhat but I felt like a burden so I just let it go. I've been feeling terrible since, but I just try to hold it in. Every time I mention that I'm having a bad day or feeling sad, he doesn't say much... so I haven't really said anything about it in a while and I've been acting like everything's all dandy. The truth is I'm really miserable right now. Tonight I'm just really upset. I figured instead of holding it in, maybe I would tell him and he would make me feel better. Nope. He texted me asking why I was upset and I answer "I don't know, a bunch of things" and he never said anything after that. I just want to cry and I want him to hold me and I want to talk and I just feel like he doesn't care. A few months ago he seemed to care more, when I wasn't even really upset. I'm really at a crossroads because I try to hold it in and always pretend I'm fine because I don't want him to have to worry about me and I don't want to be a downer... and at the same time he's usually the only thing that can make me feel better. He's generally so caring and sweet and loves me a lot, so it hurts and confuses me when I really need some consoling and I can't get it. I'd go see him or do anything just to make him feel better if he needed it. :'( Depression i shard when you have a giving heart and you actually feel pretty selfish this is what is stopping you from speaking to your boyfriend you feel guilt and you know its not your boyfriends fault when so many people seem not to notice its because you are internalizing i do it with my family and friends i tend to push them away its part of the depression....its all pretty normal...i have promised my family i wont internalise what i am feeling and try as much as i can to vocalise.......its hard for me ....my step father bought me up to be strong and independant and once when i found out he was my step father one night because my real father wanted to see me at 16 years of age i broke down in tears....he told em to stop crying and not to be stupid....it didnt mean anything.....i stopped crying immediately....and ever since then i internalise sometimes i break not too often been breaking down in church lately which means i am ready to vocalise ....and i apologise after running from the room well walk fast....;0).... i shouldnt feel i have to but i do makes me feel better if i do...i actually have had intensive therapy many years i can predict what they are going to tell me ......i know when i do wrong and correct myself pretty quickly......i still have habits though that are hard to break i am not perfect and neither are you. You have a right to feel what you are feeling, i validate your depression and i recognise exactly what you are feeling be honest with your partner....he is the one who will do his best to understand you.......he loves you....... if you struggle see a counsellor and for your boyfriend to hear another's advice on how to deal with your non communication.....i am not going tot tell you its easy it isnt...i am not going to tell you to snap out of it.....you wont.......and you arent meant to there is one thing you need to do....accept your depression its a variable not a constant......validate it.....talk to someone anyone .......do things you love to do.....mine is walking listening to my ipod at night.......and music.....and last thing you need to hold tight too.... is hope...... hold on to that emotion that beautiful possession that is yours and yours alone, treasure it let it sleep with you at night invade your dreams.... and realise things are not as bad as they seem.... written just from me to you and heres hug comin atcha from my side of blue....:0).....deb (todreaminblue) pm if you want to or need to im here and you will be ok........ Edited September 11, 2012 by todreaminblue 1
Silly_Girl Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 It's a tough one. I get depression, and also a form of S.A.D. in August that has me crying involuntarily. That's confusing for a boyfriend. In honesty, no partner can be expected to - in your words - make you feel better. And you mustn't expect it. My best tip (and this works for me with both my son who sometimes is concerned, and my boyfriend) is to let your emotions out, because you need that release and it's healthy, and bottling up stuff from a partner is not constructive, but then to TELL him what you need. Men generally WANT to help, and comfort you, but they're often understandably unsure as to WTH to do to make things better "I'm so low today, really pissed off, I need ice cream and a hug!" "Having a bad day at work, things are getting to me a bit, shall we escape everything and go to the cinema tonight?" Or mine last week... "My blues have kicked in bad today, can we leave the DVD tonight and play badminton instead - I need the exercise to snap me out of this :(" To put it on someone to fix you at that moment is pretty bewildering for them so giving them practical ways is a win-win situation in my book. 1
travelbug1996 Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Being dependent on someone to make YOU feel better is not healthy and no one should be burdened in that way. You are responsible for your own feelings happy and sad. That is too much for any man to deal with. Men like women who are emotionally healthy and able to deal with the ups and downs of life. 1
Author ddlovexx Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 (edited) I did express that I just wanted him to come over and hug me and hear me out. I didn't elaborate through text because I've done it before and felt as though it's emotionless and he's heard it. I wanted to actually talk and get it out and just be hugged. I'm not looking for him to fix my problems or me, and I'm aware that nobody wants to date a 'depressed girl', hence me always acting fine regardless of how I'm feeling internally... but he's my boyfriend and if he were in the same situation I'd do whatever I could to help. When he lost his job he was really down and I'd come over and watch TV and laugh and talk about other things just to get his mind off of it. I guess I just expected he might do the same for me. I also know that he probably wants to help yet doesn't know what to say or how to help, I think that's a rule of the general male population, so I kinda just let it be and change the subject. Also, I have no insurance and no way of getting help really. Between school and 2 jobs I barely even have time to eat, sleep, and shower. I'm just stuck. Edited September 11, 2012 by ddlovexx
Emilia Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 What you must understand OP is that it's extremely emotionally draining for someone to deal with another person's depression, especially when they care. You need to seek professional help otherwise your emotional neediness will drive him away. It's a lot of burden to place on someone, he is not your punchbag. It's not a a 'male' thing. I wouldn't date someone who has a history of depression and isn't seeking professional help. 1
Author ddlovexx Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 I don't know if I made myself unclear or something... I don't expect him to deal with it nor do I ask him to. I rarely ever express my depression in front of him or to him (or anyone for that matter). I told him over a month ago that I was dealing with it, he said he'd be there, I left it alone. I've told him maybe 2x since then that I'd been feeling upset. It's not an every day thing (for him) at all. I don't know... I just want a hug from him. Nevermind.
SoulSearcher22 Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 here you go: **huggs** but seriously...I'm sorry he's not responding well to you. I wish my ex would have expressed her feelings more to me instead of just keeping it in 2
InJest Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 You've made it very clear that you do want him to deal with your depression and you did ask him to. If you just wanted a hug, you should have asked if he would come give you a hug, not send him some random text out of the blue that probably was along the lines of, "I hate my life", give him a useless answer when he shows concern, and then label him an uncaring, ******* when he doesn't know exactly what you want from him. Do the guy a favor and break up with him, so you can deal with your issues. Preferably before you drain the life out of him.
udolipixie Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Probably suited to be explicity clear about what you want rather than as it seems expect him to pick up and mind read. Such as if you want a hug ask for it. Probably better suited to seek professional counseling and not expect any emotional intimacy, concern, or support from a guy that's not family or gay. It seems most men don't care about or want to listen to their female parnter's feelings if it's a downer likely it brings back memories of when they felt used as an emotional tampon because a female friend they wanted to f*ck dared to talk to him about her emotions without f*cking him. 1
Forever Learning Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 I take a low dose of Celexa and it's wonderful at knocking out a mild depression. Exercise 30 minutes a day, get adequate sleep, take a multi-vitamin, and this is important: Take extra vitamin D, at least 5,000 units. More if you don't find improvement with that amount. Finally, take an Essential Fatty Acids Omega 3/6/9 blend . All the best to you. 1
Author ddlovexx Posted September 13, 2012 Author Posted September 13, 2012 (edited) Injest- first of all, I did no such thing as send a text message in that matter, nor would I. I did send him a text saying that I was upset and wanted him to come over and hug me. He's well aware of what I wanted at this point. I also pointed out earlier that he is very caring and sweet, in fact. I'm human, I get sad sometimes. As I've said, I also don't ACT like I'm sad. I do it in my own privacy and don't talk much about it... therefore I don't drain the life out of him. I was looking for some kind words of advice on coping with the lack of understand on his part, not "you're a goddamn burden, leave him be." If I was so terrible, he could leave me himself. Forever- I do work out regularly, get adequate sleep, and take a multi-vitamin. I don't have health insurance so I kinda don't have the means for any other kind of help. :/ Edited September 13, 2012 by ddlovexx
TaraMaiden Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 Female mind: "I'm feeling schytty, and am just venting. I need you to be supportive, consoling and just hear me out, and understand that I love cuddles, hugs and just to feel secure with someone's arms around me, and a sympathetic ear." Male mind: "I have no idea how to solve this: I don't know her all that well, I care for her, but she's landed an emotional problem in my lap, and I don't have a solution. If I could wave a magic wand and make it all disappear, I would, but I wouldn't know where to start tackling her feeling down, because she hasn't revealed what the issue is. Until I can see the wiring, I can't fix the broken connection...." Women just need to be heard. men need to 'fix'. He can't help you - so he's retreating because he feels inadequate to your needs. It's probably a little overwhelming. And you maintaining a cheerful front when in fact you're crumbling inside, isn't good for you, either. That's a "dishonest façade" and when the pretence drops and you just can't keep it up any longer, it hits people a lot harder....
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