tailor Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 My story is (long) I'm a mother of two children, my husband of 6 years suffers from depression and has self harmed in front of me, told me twice, very stoically of his intent to end his life toward the end of this year and has generally controlled me and bombarded me with endless negative comments and criticism. He does have an underlying issue with alcohol but has done very well to remain abstinent since January of this year. There is a cycle that we go through annually and it's finally taken it's toll on me. I can't go on walking on eggshells, carrying the pain of seeing him self harm in front of me, as minor as it was...but I pleaded with him NOT to do it and he completely ignored my request. Having to call the ambulance, police, his psychiatrist, his parents in order to have him taken to the local hospital's mental health unit was also very painful. I have stood by him for years now and been on the receiving end of this emotional torture. I've reacted badly to it initially because I didn't know how to handle things. I've left him a few times before and he's always talked me back into coming back saying things will be different, but they always end up the same and it's painful for me. Very painful. It's come to the point that I have absolutely no romantic feelings for him, there is NO physical attraction to him, I can't stand him touching me because it all translates into him wanting sex in my mind. He simply hasn't listened when I've told him to NOT tickle me...I hate being tickled and the way he does it, hurts and leaves red marks. I've ended up slapping and scratching him because it's the only way I can get him to stop. I just don't want him to touch me. Period. On top of that, he's hit my 11 yo son (from my first marriage) in the head a number of times and I flatly refuse to let that happen again. That is a deal breaker for me and even though I have told him time and time again not to do it, he continued to do so. I have ended up turning to other people I know for advice and "escape" from this horrendous situation, one being what I would consider as a friend, a married male, who I met through a previous job and I had to deal with him on an almost daily basis and in the industry and the job I had, socialising with him was just part of the job at industry functions. I've known him almost as long as I've known my husband and he had told me when I announced my engagement that I shouldn't marry my husband. He said this based on what I had told him about the way my husband drank and conducted himself toward me and others. I took no notice of him and well, here I am today. So, in reaching out to this person in particular, it involved hundreds of text messages at all hours and talking about things from my marriage, to sport, to kids (his kids play a sport in which myself and his children are state representatives), work, his family, my family and just general stuff. My husband noticed the texts listed on the phone bill and confronted me about it. Also, keep in mind that my husband hasn't let me have online access to the phone accounts. What was MY phone number is now listed under HIS account. There's one controlling behaviour...I had asked him for access previously and he talked his way around it and it never happened. I admit sending messages at all hours is weird and inappropriate, and I think I have developed an emotional attachment to this friend. Anyway, I told him we should stop texting each other and he's been fine with that apart from two messages that I responded to during a rugby game that we were both watching. I did tell my husband about this and he asked in a way that was a bit threatening "if he had to call him to get him to stop". I said, "fine call him, do what you like" and went to get bags to start packing so I could leave with the kids. He chased me and apologised and said he thought this guy was bothering me. I said no and we left it at that. Since then, I have told him I can't live under the same roof as him. We went to a joint counselling session with a psychologist a couple of weeks ago and he's seen the psychologist on his own to deal with some "mummy issues" that he has. I told the psychologist about the self harm, the suicide plan/threat and how he wasn't talking to his parents or his brother and how draining that was on me because I'm his only family. He has, or rather HAD no friends - finally he's managed to forge some decent relationships with work colleagues and his boss and they've been putting him up during the week. He's very successful in his current job and it's been a long time coming because he's struggled being an employee (he was self employed for many years) in the past. I'm having a phone consult with his psychologist tomorrow afternoon so that he can get more background on my husband to see if he can help him/both of us out. He's working very hard on improving himself, but I can't help but think things AREN'T going to change and too much has happened in the past repeatedly to make me think that way. I really appreciate what he's doing now, but I can't risk my wellbeing any longer. It's too painful. I guess I feel broken, wounded, hurt, ripped off and feel like life has been horrible for me with him. There have been a lot of good times, but the hurt I carry with me 24/7 is too much to bear. I really feel like I can't go on any longer in this marriage. I've given it my all and really need to be able to breathe and get the hell off the eggshells and onto solid ground.
riverratt Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 All I can say is good luck to ya..And to him as well..
CarrieT Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 On top of that, he's hit my 11 yo son (from my first marriage) in the head a number of times and I flatly refuse to let that happen again. That is a deal breaker for me and even though I have told him time and time again not to do it, he continued to do so. You need to leave immediately and remove your children from this situation. The rest of the story about the emotional affair with the other chap is just a secondary issue. But having your child abused is unacceptable.
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