mowglisummers Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 So I'm going to try and truncate this whole romance into key events. 6 Years Ago: First met, she has a BF, I'm interested in someone else. Respectful distance. Life continues.1 Year Ago: First kiss, she has been in and out of a couple of serious relationships and is seeing a younger man who later cheats on her. We live in different cities, but seed is planted. It was the best kiss I've ever known.8 Months Ago: Slept together, two nights, her initiative, one long day cuddling and talking. Seems we have a promising future maybe. I have to leave the next day. Ideas of getting serious shattered by the reality of living in different cities. Try to move on.Difficult times in my life, I think of her too much, sad about the situation, begin feeling a little needy and lonely. Continue randomly messaging each other. She's still single, I keep hoping we'll get together next time we're together. It almost feels like it will be a sure thing.1 Month Ago: Once again in the same city. She comes to see me, but after a fun eventful evening, says out of the blue "I'm not staying at yours tonight" (hadn't even invited her to explicitly).Continue texting, definitely going to meet up again and see what happens. Get that quality time we missed out on last time. Can't wait to see her again, enthusiastically suggest we spend a long weekend together, e.t.c.She backs off, something about being on prozac, no sex drive, "love or nothing", easier to choose nothing because of prozac..I freak out, confess love thinking it's an ultimatum - I was drunk and high.She freaks out, can't return the gesture. The words "just friends" comes into play.I freak out more, my 8 month fantasy and all the build up is going down the drain and it's all my fault. Similar things have happened to me before. It's all going wrong. I try harder.*face palm*She draws the line in the sand "forever". Says she always goes for my 'type' but needs to sort her life out which means going for a different 'type'. Doesn't want a relationship until she has fixed up. (back story: we're both huge f*ck ups in our lives).I think she's totally wrong about me and where I see this going. I try (here's me trying too hard again) and put some context to my unattractive behavior (all this is occurring via text messages and Facebook), hoping that she'll understand. I tell her I will be OK with us being only friends from now on. But inside I'm almost certain if we chill together again and stop talking about complicated emotional things, feelings will just return naturally like they developed. NOTE: I really am OK with us just being friends. It just depresses me that I may have messed up something great because I wanted it too much and forgot that you cannot rush something as delicate as love.She comes to see me. It's perfect, we both have a great time, we don't talk about the huge mess of the past 2 weeks, although once or twice I saw in her eyes that she is sad and resentful deep down. But it's so good that I feel it's OK to put an arm around her, even slide behind her. She scolds me for that but still gives me a massive tight hug in private as she's leaving. We make plans to do some constructive life-improving activities.We hang out again, and again, 2, 3, 4 times in one week.Last Thursday: I text her asking if she wanted to go for a bike ride the following day. She texts back at midnight saying she's at some guy's house and it's not too great (apparently he has an extreme foot fetish). Can I come and meet her right now to chill and get high? x - (note the kiss, definitely hasn't been a feature of her texts recently). When I got there she was pretty drunk. I felt a bit weird about being told about this encounter. She made it sound innocent like he made all the moves and she was only networking, but I don't know what to believe. Is she just protecting my feelings? She told me she had 'never' had sex out of a relationship before me. But I felt also good because she thought of me. But also confusing because we've got this 'only friends' barrier up now but she's comparing 'when we used to kiss' to his horrible fish lips kiss (complimenting mine, dissing his), and later on randomly rhetorically asking me about the conversation that initiated our first kiss and also making a big exagerrated hype about his smell being on her (this got me a little riled up inside, like "let me remove his smell in place of mine own!" lol). I get the impression she's part punishing/controlling me (I'm not having any of it though), part wanting me sexually, part wanting our friendship, part maintaining distance to give time for things to mend. But basically I dunno WTF at this point. I just keep my distance physically, make no move to kiss her in the state she's in. As we're parting she expresses her enthusiasm for that bike ride I mentioned the next day.Next day, when she gets to mine, we go into my bedroom for the first time since new years because I just tidied it. She jumps on my bed like she owns it, pretty much in the 'ready for sex' position. I try to ignore. We spend all day together, it awesome as always. We get back to mine exhausted and watch a film in my bed, with a definite border between us. We're falling asleep, she keeps telling me she's tired. I think hey this is going OK and tactfully ask her if she wants to stay and spoon me (as in no funny business I swears). She stays. It's a single bed and we spoon all night. In the morning it's all smiles and physical barrier is down, trust is up, we both seem really happy. She says she did have a sex dream about me, but also about an alien invasion so not to take it to mean too much. We agree to have a break from each other after seeing each other every day for 3-4 days straight and because I have work all weekend. She phones me on her way home to chat more.Later that day: I message her asking how her day was. No reply. I shouldn't have asked.Today, 3 days later: I text her asking how she is, with an x at the end. No reply. SO... WTF basically? Please analyse what you can from this. I'm not asking, "how can I bed this girl" or "how can I make her my gf" or any other messed up 'friendzone' crap. This isn't 'oneitis', I'm interested in other women, you could say I have back ups. But this is genuinely a cool girl who I have a great time with and I'd quite like to get into a relationship with if it can be mended with some time and patience and if that's what she really wants too. I'm interested in similar experiences or if you think I'm missing an important point about life and relationships, because I have never ever had a GF. I just think another person's perspective might stop me from doing anything stupid like sending a million messages to her explaining and questioning everything and messing up what is a beautiful friendship. Maybe you also have advice on how I can avoid the urge to commit too early via text? Oh and she keeps saying now that she's going to keep reminding me 'only friends' for the next month. Which I, possibly unwisely, take to mean the natural 'grace period' before I can make a move again.
SpiralOut Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 (edited) This girl is very confused and that's why she's giving you mixed signals. It sounds like she wants to keep things on just a friendship level but then she has moments when she caves in to some need she has, or maybe feelings she has for you, then feels scared about it afterwards and withdraws. Something about your story gives me a really bad feeling. I don't think it's wise to pursue anything with her. It sounds like she is unable to maintain the boundaries she tries to set up for herself when it comes to you. I feel like I can relate to this girl. And if I were her I would really respect someone who was able to recognize that I am messed up right now and not take advantage of it. I'm not saying you're taking advantage of her, but I don't think you're understanding that she's a really confused person, possibly with intimacy issues. If she ever straightens herself out it's not going to happen overnight. Edited September 11, 2012 by SpiralOut
Author mowglisummers Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 That was very insightful. Thank you. She has told me as much herself. Your post has actually hit me pretty hard. I feel I've actually been very inconsiderate towards her, making it all about me. She's been so understanding though. I feel like a dick. I don't know what to do.
redraven Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 I can relate all too well to your circumstance. Here is perhaps some truncated advice, that you think sucks, or that will help. IDK. Here is what you do: -1 Promise yourself that you will not repeat these mistakes in the future. Else you'll feel like even more of a dick. Take what you're feeling now, multiply by 10. -2 Ensure the promise, get a journal, copy and paste your feelings and thoughts, and the responses. Maybe just make a hidden folder on your desktop. Next time you feel you are close to the spot you are in now, you will have a handy reference to guide yourself. -3 Go get those other women who are possibilities. Enjoy some no strings ladies. Don't talk to this girl, erase her number from your cell. Change your number. You've already demonstrated your inability to cease contact with her when you are drunk or high, so don't wake up with a hangover on another morning, and feel like *facepalm* because this lady is not worth it. -4 Pour yourself into something else, some-thing, not some-one. Only think of her when you have a pen and paper in front of you. Work your stuff out, stop being wrapt up in this chick.
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