how much NC before all hope is lost?

[Mint Sauce]

I have the impression some people go NC too quickly, i.e. immediately after the break-up. I only started NC after all hope was crushed (by pictures of the two of them together, by knowing they got a place together, by hearing her say to a common friend that she was really happy now,...). It hurts like hell, but it sure helped to kill all hope, and at that point I WANTED NC. That was about 6 weeks after the BU, and I've been NC for the same amount of time now.

[Jono85]

What would you have me tell her? "Yes, keep waiting, he'll probably miss you and may soon get in touch with you. Just hang on tight, it'll all be fine!"? That doesn't help her one bit. Change starts with intellectual awareness. Of course you're right that just thinking, "It's over." will not make anyone actually FEEL that, too. But that's not the point. Verbalizing it and allowing for a thought that causes so much discomfort is the first step. It all starts with the mind, and feelings will eventually follow.

 

Easy? No. It's not easy. But you can either swim or sink, and I'm not ready yet to sink -- and hopefully neither is she.

 

dude, let me be blunt for a second b/c it's not really productive to keep being fed blind support from ppl.

 

i read ur thread just now. all u've been doing is sinking. and sinking patheticly. i started a similar thread on july 18th about time to start NC, and guess what, i haven't broken it yet. it's been the hardest 8 weeks of my life, with a ton of tears. i'm at least trying to swim, trying hardest. and to be honest it upsets me a TINY bit when i read threads like yours, when you continually break NC, justify it, break NC, justify it, rinse and repeat. here i am fighting the war of my life not to contact her and get some sort of f-cking closure, as she shyed away and took the easy out (me telling her not to bother me anymore, and she simply never responded). she was feeding me all kinds of signs that there was hope and she needed a bit of time, but when i decided that enough was enough and told her to kick rocks...i meant it and won't break my word no matter how bad i want to seek the closure i'll likely never receive.

 

and this is a relationship with no cheating. ur ex and a 2 month affair behind ur back and u still entertain this witch letting her con u into thinking its somehow ur fault? like she had no option to fight for ur relationship, ask u to work on certain needs u weren't meeting, or even get the f*ck out if she thought it was done for good. but she did none of those things. i only feel like re-hashing this info b/c it was hard for me to read that u actually put blame on yourself.

 

 

anyway, more to the point of this thread. i never said for her to wait, in fact i said there were active things for her to be doing (all things you seem to have neglected yourself, so i'm not sure why ur giving me a tone as if i'm stupid for supposedly telling her to do nothing..) like STAYING NC without waivering, staying busy, re-learning who it is she is and wants to be/improving weaknesses/personal development. etc etc etc. these are the behaviours she CAN control. her belief that it is completely over for ever, i simply said i don't think this is possible at this point. it's only been a month or whatever. this comes with time.

[Jono85]

I have the impression some people go NC too quickly, i.e. immediately after the break-up. I only started NC after all hope was crushed (by pictures of the two of them together, by knowing they got a place together, by hearing her say to a common friend that she was really happy now,...). It hurts like hell, but it sure helped to kill all hope, and at that point I WANTED NC. That was about 6 weeks after the BU, and I've been NC for the same amount of time now.

 

but even that, does not kill all hope for many ppl. go look at the amount of "is she/he a rebound??" threads for evidence. i'm sure if u were strapped to a lie detector test we'd see that all hope is still not actually totally gone from inside u. i'm not trying to say ur weak or anything for that...i'm in the same boat. 8 weeks NC. i did not see any evidence really of finality such as what u witnessed. the only thing i can control is moving on the best i can, but there will likely be hope there for quite some time, however small, until i either A. meet someone better, or B. enough time elapses and enough personal development and good feelings enter CONSISTENTLY back into my daily life for me become indifferent.

 

just MO.

[Calico]

i read ur thread just now. all u've been doing is sinking. and sinking patheticly.

 

Exactly! That's what I have been doing, and that's why I know that this approach does not work. I'm not theorizing here. I tried the "friends" thing, I broke NC when she threw me a tiny bone, I have gone through the hope loop -- and I hurt like hell for it. So, why are you disagreeing with the alternate approach that shifts power back to the person who feels helpless and victimized?

 

I haven't sunken, I only hit the bottom , but I'm not there to stay down here forever and die slowly. I'm not saying or believing that I won't ever love again, and I'm already moving away from believing that it was all my fault. Doesn't work all the time, doesn't mean I don't want her back, and I keep falling back into the dark hole, and I'm weeks and months away from an emotional state that isn't bleak, or from lasting even an hour without pain, but that's my goal. That's what I focus on.

 

Well, actually, I just spent a few hours on skype and talking to a young friend who works as a stripper. That was really good for me. She gave me some hard truths about my situation and didn't allow me to deceive myself for longer than a second. She is convinced that what happened is ultimately good for me, and sometimes it's good to hear that from someone who isn't an emotional wreck (like my ex and I are). You all need friends who are strippers!

 

This whole nasty break-up has helped me grow by quite a bit, and I'm not the same person I was a month ago -- and I think that is true for most of you out there, too. We suffer, we experience pain that's worse than anything we have ever experienced, we crawl through each day, but guess what? We are alive. We are here. We make new friends. We sink, yes, but we don't rot at the bottom. And that's something to be grateful for, and maybe a little proud of too. We didn't drown ourselves in the bottle, we didn't take our lives, we didn't go on a rampage of revenge. That makes us fine people -- so in all this darkness, there is some light.

[not-a-drive-by]

This whole nasty break-up has helped me grow by quite a bit, and I'm not the same person I was a month ago -- and I think that is true for most of you out there, too. We suffer, we experience pain that's worse than anything we have ever experienced, we crawl through each day, but guess what? We are alive. We are here. We make new friends. We sink, yes, but we don't rot at the bottom. And that's something to be grateful for, and maybe a little proud of too. We didn't drown ourselves in the bottle, we didn't take our lives, we didn't go on a rampage of revenge. That makes us fine people -- so in all this darkness, there is some light.

 

I love reading your posts, Calico. The BU has made me grow quite a bit and reflect on myself. Three months ago, I would have never envisioned myself going to the gym myself, taking classes myself or even driving myself to the gym! I depended on my ex a lot. I would have never joined the gym if it was not him or have went there alone. I have always wanted to get my ears pierced and have pushed back on getting them for years because I was always afraid of the pain. But a month ago, I got them pierced. These are all small things, but, if we were still together, I would have never done the above. I guess if we do get another chance, I have something to show him. A better me. And becoming less dependent on him, should be a very good sign in the new relationship. (Hey! I can actually manage without seeing you everyday, or hearing from you ).

 

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Hard to swallow (even now), but like Calico said, we are still alive.

 

You all need friends who are strippers!

 

Where do we find male strippers? . Magic Mike...

[soccerrprp]

i understand what you're saying about NC not being used as a lasso, but even you admit that it often, but not always, works that way.

 

it's a bit easy for some of you to tell me just to 'move on-it's over, don't use nc to get him back' when YOU GUYS ARE GETTING CONTACTED. i'm getting nothing, and it's f***ing killing me. i have not tried to contact him.

 

since he hasn't contacted me yet, it feels like he never will. and technically, we haven't had the breakup talk, but that's a foregone conclusion. i'm crushed.

 

and in case it isn't clear, i DO appreciate the help. i really need you guys right now.

 

As far as I see it, NC's primary purpose IS NOT TO REGAIN YOUR EX. It's to help you recover and help you move on.

 

If your ex returns or makes contact, that's a side-effect. NC should allow you the time and space to make steps to improve your mental and physical well-being...ie. healing!

 

I am back with my ex after 2-months of NC. She made contact and it's been surprising nice. She's changed and have made some gestures that were crucial to our being back together, but I am very cautious. We earlier parted in very good terms, so that helps. But I did not go into NC thinking that she'll be knocking on my door soon. I went into it to help me move along and boy, did it. I dated other ladies, ran over 200-miles, got my head straight, transformed my psyche, etc. When I returned from summer break, I was renewed, happy (still am) and much more confident. When she contacted me, I was pleasantly surprised, but not exactly thrilled with giddiness. Even today, I take the reconnection with the knowledge that I will give it a try, but will not allow myself to do most of the work. It's all on her to make the right moves, it's her job to woo me....

[not-a-drive-by]

As far as I see it, NC's primary purpose IS NOT TO REGAIN YOUR EX. It's to help you recover and help you move on.

 

If your ex returns or makes contact, that's a side-effect. NC should allow you the time and space to make steps to improve your mental and physical well-being...ie. healing!

 

I am back with my ex after 2-months of NC. She made contact and it's been surprising nice. She's changed and have made some gestures that were crucial to our being back together, but I am very cautious. We earlier parted in very good terms, so that helps. But I did not go into NC thinking that she'll be knocking on my door soon. I went into it to help me move along and boy, did it. I dated other ladies, ran over 200-miles, got my head straight, transformed my psyche, etc. When I returned from summer break, I was renewed, happy (still am) and much more confident. When she contacted me, I was pleasantly surprised, but not exactly thrilled with giddiness. Even today, I take the reconnection with the knowledge that I will give it a try, but will not allow myself to do most of the work. It's all on her to make the right moves, it's her job to woo me....

 

Sometimes it's these stories which makes us think NC brings hope. That maybe, one day, if we held onto NC long enough, they will suddenly knock on our door and want us back.

 

At the moment, I think I am using it to prevent further pain. And in the back of my mind, that maybe it will make him miss me. I haven't got to the stage where I am ready to completely let go. My mind is just not there yet.

 

Feel happy for you though .

[Calico]

I love reading your posts, Calico.

 

I'm glad. Writing them helps me, too, very much so. I'm trying to keep firmly in mind that no matter how much a situation sucks, there is almost always something you can appreciate about it, too. May seem artificial and contrived, but it's a start. I can't always do that -- in fact, most of the time I fail --, but I think those delicious times when it works are worth hanging onto. If we spend only 99% of the day tearing ourselves apart and getting ravaged by pain, instead of the full 100%, it's already progress. (My skype offer still stands.)

 

A better me. And becoming less dependent on him, should be a very good sign in the new relationship. (Hey! I can actually manage without seeing you everyday, or hearing from you ).

 

That's the beautiful thing about being a dumpee: We grow (forced to, but still!), but our dumpers just remain the same. They don't really move forward, they just keep doing their thing. We, however, have to reflect, look for new ways to continue on our journey through life, and learn to make do with what life throws at us. In a weird way we actually get more out of this than them.

 

Where do we find male strippers? . Magic Mike...

 

By far most of my friends are female, so I unfortunately can't be of assistance!

 

Speaking of friends, that's another thing I completely neglected in my relationship. There is no way I could have talked to my stripper friend without it causing problems (unjustly so, because she's been with the same guy for seven years and she's not sleeping around -- she's "just" a stripper, not a prostitute). I just dispatched a bunch of mails to other friends I have neglected for the duration of my relationship. I'm a pretty good partner, but I'm a lousy friend, and whenever I'm with someone, I forget my friends. That's something that this situation made me realize too. It's something that will benefit my next relationship, whoever it may be with. It won't be so focused on one person.

[not-a-drive-by]

(My skype offer still stands.)

 

I think I will take this offer. Sometimes it does feel really lonely with noone to talk to.

 

That's the beautiful thing about being a dumpee: We grow (forced to, but still!), but our dumpers just remain the same. They don't really move forward, they just keep doing their thing. We, however, have to reflect, look for new ways to continue on our journey through life, and learn to make do with what life throws at us. In a weird way we actually get more out of this than them.

 

Maybe that's why some dumpers come back many months or years later because they push this pain in the corner and don't deal with it immediately like we are forced to.

 

Speaking of friends, that's another thing I completely neglected in my relationship. There is no way I could have talked to my stripper friend without it causing problems (unjustly so, because she's been with the same guy for seven years and she's not sleeping around -- she's "just" a stripper, not a prostitute). I just dispatched a bunch of mails to other friends I have neglected for the duration of my relationship. I'm a pretty good partner, but I'm a lousy friend, and whenever I'm with someone, I forget my friends. That's something that this situation made me realize too. It's something that will benefit my next relationship, whoever it may be with. It won't be so focused on one person.

 

I am very guilty with this. This was my very first relationship and I fell for my ex hard. We had a tough start and so any moment that we had, we spent together. I just wanted to be with him. I neglected my friends and they became distant to me. At one stage, it was really awkward hanging out with them, because they would ignore me and my ex while we were there. It was really immature and made us feel really uncomfortable to the stage where I just couldn't hang out with them anymore. I haven't really talked to them since the BU, but maybe slowly, I might try hanging out with them again. I am afraid that it will be awkward and this time, I won't have my ex to support me which will hurt 1000x more.

 

It wasn't RL friends that I neglected, but also people who I met online. Most of them were guys and to prevent any misunderstandings (afraid that my ex might not like it), I just lost contact with them.

 

So yeah, I learnt the hard way - and something that I will keep in mind not to repeat next time round. As much as our significant other is important to us, our friends are too.

[Jono85]

Exactly! That's what I have been doing, and that's why I know that this approach does not work. I'm not theorizing here. I tried the "friends" thing, I broke NC when she threw me a tiny bone, I have gone through the hope loop -- and I hurt like hell for it. So, why are you disagreeing with the alternate approach that shifts power back to the person who feels helpless and victimized?

 

 

i don't know what you're talking about anymore lol. you keep insinuating that in my first reply to u, i somehow said she should do all those things u did, and just wait around for the ex to make a decision or something. that's NOT what i was saying...reading comprehension. from that post..

 

u can't just tell this girl to accept that it's over, as u say. it doesn't work like that. in my opinion u have it all backwords. ur mindset starts to change once u adjust ur behaviours (implementing strict NC, trying to keep busy, improving/bettering yourself, trying to proactively not dwell on positive memories from relationship or sad memories from them breaking up with u).

 

but it's all a long process, and telling her to just accept that it's over, and get in that mindset, is simply impossible at this stage. she can put on that front, if she wishes, but nothing is going to change her belief at this point that she meant more to her ex than she actually might have in reality. but time, time, and more time that goes by without that ex contacting u (and it doesn't count if YOU initiate contact b/c then ur influencing their choices/making it easy for them) when it starts sinking in and u start accepting it's actually over.

 

i was never saying what ur suggesting i said. alls i'm saying is, and u are a prime example and should know why this is impossible, is it's useless to sell someone in her shoes to just ADOPT the mindset that it is over forever. it's impossible. she can try, but it will be a front. deep down she will not believe that for some timeee. get it?? she needs to change her behaviours for sure and be as proactive as one can be towards healing, but to accept that it is completely over doesn't come anywhere near 1 month, and anyone who thinks it does or tries to come on here and suggest they've reached that point so quick, or so easily, is in denial and lying to themselves.

[donalds]

it has been about a month here without contact from my ex. is all hope lost?

 

what's the longest you've gone before you heard anything?

 

 

 

It just depends on how long you all were together. It depends to, how you guys ended the relationship. With me, I met my friend and we talked for 5 months. We talked on the phone every day 3 or 4 times a day for 5 months. we went out to eat, went to the movie. We had good times. I pushed him away. He was a good man. He gave me chance after chance and I blew it. He called it quits. He gave me closure then went back with his ex, 2 weeks later text me happy birthday. I went to his house to talk to him. I realized he had moved on, I was hurt, I slapped him and left. After 2 weeks I saw him, I flagged him down to talk. I told him I was sorry. Every time after that, I would flag him, he would stop to talk and before he pull off I would hug him and kiss him on the neck and cheek. He still have a girl friend. It depends on the relationship I guess.

[ponette]

don't hijack my thread. thanks.