ponette Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 it has been about a month here without contact from my ex. is all hope lost? what's the longest you've gone before you heard anything? 1
Regrets58 Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 About a month for me. However,contact doesn't equal hope!
KatZee Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 It's been 4 months since my ex dumped me. He never reached out to me once. And above poster is right, contact does not equal hope. There was some psychologist who said the window of opportunity for an ex to come back is 6-8 weeks. If they aren't back by that time, they're not coming back at all. 2
Author ponette Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 how long were you together? i haven't heard anything from him since i got angry. i never even got properly dumped after 5 years, but i guess i consider myself single without that. i guess he doesn't care and is doing the big fadeaway after all thhis time. i'm utterly without hope at this point.
lovehurts5 Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 I hadn't heard from my ex since May 29th and he just texted me yesterday. Idk if "hope" is the word i'd use. It all depends. I never thought i'd hear from him again. 2
kyle77 Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 okay the length doesnt matter....my ex is just starting to show interest in me after about 10 months.... What does matter is how you use that time off.... Get better in everyway possible, so that if one day your ex wants you back, you are in control and get to make the decision... 3
youngnlove89 Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 This is with my most recent ex-bf: The first time we broke up...the very next day. The second time...a week. The third time....two days. The fourth time...about 4 days. The fifth time...well so far it's been about 10 hours and no contact. Is this what you want? On and off again relationship? Trust me, it's not fun. Make the NC count. Make it for the rest of your life!
Regrets58 Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Youngnlove is right,it most definitely isn't fun. My dumper wanted to move very quickly into a "friendship". Might have been for her,but of course I hoped for more. Stuck it out for 4 months of torture and breadcrumbs basically! Eventually went NC(with a few blips!) and my it does work. Incidentally after all the breadcrumbs/false hope,she is with someone else! Know it will be horrible for you if you don't hear anything. Trust me though it could be for the best. 1
bluefairy812 Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 it is for the best, don't feed yourself any hope, it really is poison, and a mind f*ck. it's the kryptonite to NC. leave hope outside and let things happen on their own.
Tree_Salmon Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 it has been about a month here without contact from my ex. is all hope lost? what's the longest you've gone before you heard anything? I've gone 5 months and then heard from my ex. 2 months another time. The one i see most often is around the one month mark. But this all depends on the people and the way in which the breakup happened. Every case is different.
fucpcg Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 There was some psychologist who said the window of opportunity for an ex to come back is 6-8 weeks. If they aren't back by that time, they're not coming back at all. Totally disagree. Had two ex's come back right about the year mark, and often read the year mark in here. One of those two, we gave it another shot but it didn't last, and with a heavy heart I walked from the relationship. She married her next boyfriend, and we didn't talk for about 15+ years. Then she divorced, and found me on FB. I still love the girl, always thought about her, and was very happy to hear from her. We now live 1,000 plus miles apart, or we would be together as a couple again. "True love stories never have endings" - this is not my quote, but I love it, and believe it to be true from my experience.
Gab09 Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Wow, how do you guys feel about taking somebody back after so long? I think my love is true love, but even with that I don't think I could take my ex back if we were apart for 5 months.. All I could think of would be how many one night stands she had.. It doesn't matter how much of an angel a girl is, she starts going out with friends and drinking.. meeting guys.. **** happens. Anyways, longest I've been apart from my ex has been probably 1.5 months. I'm going on 23 days I believe, haven't talked to her since the 17th of August.
Author ponette Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 i guess we're over, but there hasn't even been the official breakup talk. i don't know what's going on. i guess i thik he doesn't care. it'll be a month on thursday. i feel like it's too late, but i just can't stand being treated like my feelings are a joke. could there be any hope or am i just a moron?
Author ponette Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 i guess what i'm asking is...is it a hopeless situation because i haven't heard from him yet? i'm losing it right now.
Gab09 Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 I guess everybody is different... With my ex, we would break up every 5-6 months.. Sometimes we would be apart days, others weeks.. longest was month and a half, maybe two months. I can't remember, but I'm talking of hardcore NC time.. By that I mean me trying to contact her and her just not picking up, not opening her door, etc.. Until I got tired of it.. It would always work that way with us, whenever I was ready to move on, she would just poke her head out and make contact.. It was all down hill from there. I was always weaker than her because I couldn't stay mad at her for too long.. I did really love her.. Well I love her.. but.. She would take advantage of that.. I guess what i'm saying is.. You can't keep living offa hope, but there is always a chance.. Is it bad that I tell you that? I don't know, that's just my experience.. For now though, concentrate on your own person.. I'm holding a bag of ice on my legs after doing 4.9 miles on the treadmill..
Author ponette Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 (edited) sorry about your legs. oy. you're a guy..does his silence means he really doesn't give a f***? he is almost 18 years older than i am. i never thought he would let things die without a word. Edited September 11, 2012 by ponette
andymb79 Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 My ex left me three times in four years. The first lasted 3 months, the second 8 months (where she lived with a new dude). This time she has been gone two months with no contact. Every time SHE came back. I hope she doesn't this time. Hang in there.
Gab09 Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Don't fall into myths.. Guys and girls are very much alike.. I've been going NC even though it is eating me inside, I know that since she left, if she wants something back from what we have, she will let me know. otherwise, she's already moved on.
Calico Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Stop using NC as a way to get back your ex. You are really setting yourself up for more pain, and it prolongs the healing process. I did my best to dodge that bullet, was perfectly aware of how any hope is toxic, and yet when she contacted me, I got completely swept away by hope, just to get crushed again a concrete wall again. Do whatever you can to get to a point where you start accepting that IT'S OVER. And that means you stop wondering how many days of NC may bring back your loved one. NC is to heal, not to lasso back your ex. What you do is like an alcoholic who tries to stay "dry" for X days, and while they may manage that, it does not make them get over the addiction. It just makes them "hold out" and bridge over the time, but no actual work on getting over the addiction will have been done. It's the same here. "No contact" does nothing for you unless you adjust your mindset. That's why you see people who have done NC for a year and still suffer badly. It's your attitude that needs to change, your perspective, the direction of your thoughts. NC provides you with a bubble where you can do this without the influx of new pain, but you STILL have to do the work. Just like only sitting in the shower won't get you clean. You have to turn on the water, grab the soap and start cleaning yourself up. 4
Author ponette Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 i understand what you're saying about NC not being used as a lasso, but even you admit that it often, but not always, works that way. it's a bit easy for some of you to tell me just to 'move on-it's over, don't use nc to get him back' when YOU GUYS ARE GETTING CONTACTED. i'm getting nothing, and it's f***ing killing me. i have not tried to contact him. since he hasn't contacted me yet, it feels like he never will. and technically, we haven't had the breakup talk, but that's a foregone conclusion. i'm crushed. and in case it isn't clear, i DO appreciate the help. i really need you guys right now.
Calico Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 it's a bit easy for some of you to tell me just to 'move on-it's over, don't use nc to get him back' when YOU GUYS ARE GETTING CONTACTED. i'm getting nothing ... And you are LUCKY! Yes, she contacted me after a few days, even told me she missed me, and what did it do for me? I got swept away by hope for a day and then I crashed into a concrete wall, head first, full force. I lost what little progress I had made, re-lived the whole breakup moment again, and now go through the pain again and again and again. You think that if your ex contacted you, you'd somehow get closure and it would be all so much easier to handle. It's not like that! The "closure" you think you get lasts for a few hours at the most, then when the fix wears off, you're back to questioning and thinking and wondering, regretting all that you didn't say, all that you did say, and all that should have said, and so on. It never ends. Contact with someone whom you love romantically and who does not want you is POISONOUS. It's not a blessing. Geegirl would tell you that it's just your "junkie brain" deceiving you, and she'd be right. It's hell! You CANNOT be friends with someone you love, even if you think it would be better than nothing. I tried it, I hurt like hell for it. The best case scenario is this: http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/friends.png 2
Jono85 Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 My ex left me three times in four years. The first lasted 3 months, the second 8 months (where she lived with a new dude). This time she has been gone two months with no contact. Every time SHE came back. I hope she doesn't this time. Hang in there. just listen to yourself man. "I hope she doesn't this time". you sound like her slave. why not actually decide not to take her back even if she doesn't try to come back again. you have the power to say enough is enough. she can't force you to get back with her. time to man up a little and be done with her completely for life.
Author ponette Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 cal-at this point, he evidently doesn't even think enough of me to DUMP me-and we've been involved for five years! i think nobody who loved his woman would do nothing for a month-but then again- *i* haven't reached out, either. the stupid part? i still love him.
Jono85 Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Stop using NC as a way to get back your ex. You are really setting yourself up for more pain, and it prolongs the healing process. I did my best to dodge that bullet, was perfectly aware of how any hope is toxic, and yet when she contacted me, I got completely swept away by hope, just to get crushed again a concrete wall again. Do whatever you can to get to a point where you start accepting that IT'S OVER. And that means you stop wondering how many days of NC may bring back your loved one. NC is to heal, not to lasso back your ex. What you do is like an alcoholic who tries to stay "dry" for X days, and while they may manage that, it does not make them get over the addiction. It just makes them "hold out" and bridge over the time, but no actual work on getting over the addiction will have been done. It's the same here. "No contact" does nothing for you unless you adjust your mindset. That's why you see people who have done NC for a year and still suffer badly. It's your attitude that needs to change, your perspective, the direction of your thoughts. NC provides you with a bubble where you can do this without the influx of new pain, but you STILL have to do the work. Just like only sitting in the shower won't get you clean. You have to turn on the water, grab the soap and start cleaning yourself up. i'm sorry but it just isn't that easy, or even POSSIBLE to think in those terms. even if you try to get to that point, deep deep deep down inside you, the hope is still there, until something concrete/tangible happens to change that (ie. you meet someone who sweeps u off your feet and start thinking about ur ex less and less, and eventually become indifferent about them). it can't just happen 1, 2, 3 months, or even a year for some, to take place. u can't just tell this girl to accept that it's over, as u say. it doesn't work like that. in my opinion u have it all backwords. ur mindset starts to change once u adjust ur behaviours (implementing strict NC, trying to keep busy, improving/bettering yourself, trying to proactively not dwell on positive memories from relationship or sad memories from them breaking up with u). but it's all a long process, and telling her to just accept that it's over, and get in that mindset, is simply impossible at this stage. she can put on that front, if she wishes, but nothing is going to change her belief at this point that she meant more to her ex than she actually might have in reality. but time, time, and more time that goes by without that ex contacting u (and it doesn't count if YOU initiate contact b/c then ur influencing their choices/making it easy for them) when it starts sinking in and u start accepting it's actually over.
Calico Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 but it's all a long process, and telling her to just accept that it's over, and get in that mindset, is simply impossible at this stage. What would you have me tell her? "Yes, keep waiting, he'll probably miss you and may soon get in touch with you. Just hang on tight, it'll all be fine!"? That doesn't help her one bit. Change starts with intellectual awareness. Of course you're right that just thinking, "It's over." will not make anyone actually FEEL that, too. But that's not the point. Verbalizing it and allowing for a thought that causes so much discomfort is the first step. It all starts with the mind, and feelings will eventually follow. Easy? No. It's not easy. But you can either swim or sink, and I'm not ready yet to sink -- and hopefully neither is she.
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