Still don't know what happened.

[JayL]

Here's my story...

 

I picked up this girl at the mall and that same day, we sat down for a bit and talked. I asked if she had a bf and she said she had been single for 5 years and only had 1 boyfriend who she was with for also 5 years (15 to 20 yrs old, she was in a rel, then 20 to 25, she was single until her and I officially started dating).

 

During that talk, I asked her "okay, obviously I approached you because I'm interested... what stage in life are you in right now? What are you looking for?" Her response .... "I don't know".

 

We ended the quick first date and I walked her to her car. Before I left, I said "well... I want to see you again, how is it on your end?" she smiled and said "well.. I haven't ran away yet". So we went on 2nd date and that's when I first kissed her.

 

Fast forward 2 weeks, I think her and I both got too excited. We didn't really text much because I hate texting, but we did talk at least twice a week on the phone for an hour. We did go too fast and even I was getting overwhelmed by it, but I just kept going with the flow. By the end of that 2nd week, she started distancing herself which I noticed, so her and I talked and we agreed that we were going too fast. She said that she does not know if she's ready yet for a relationship, so I said okay, then I'll just go and find someone who's on the same page in life. She kissed me that night and said "I'll think about it".

 

The next day, I messaged her and said "don't stress on thinking about it, if you're not ready, then you're not ready, that's fine" and she said she wants to give it a try, so we did.

 

Fast forward 1 week, Saturday night, she messaged me and asked what I was doing. I said I was just at home and relaxing, she asked if she could come over, so I said sure. That night, things happened and we became official.

 

Things were great for 2 weeks, we started having sex, she introduced me to her parents (I know,too soon) had lunch with her family, her and her parents invited me over couple nights during the week, so I'd be at her place after work. By the end of the 2nd week that we were doing great, she started backing off again and I noticed again, so I said "not sure again about how you feel?" and she said "I just want to be honest that I'm 50/50 about this... I know that you're 100% into it".

 

So I said... well okay then, I'll just see you when I see you, if not, oh well... maybe next time.

 

Things went great again for another week, until I started noticing her "roller coaster" emotions again and she started thinking that she had been spending too much time with me, which was 2 to 3 days a week. This again caused another fight. I told her "it has been a month and I think that you and I should have an idea of where we both stand.... but it seems like whenever we take 1 step ahead, you take 2 steps back..." then she again said that she's only 50/50 into it.

 

So again, we take another "backing off", which I did not know how much more I could back off.

 

Everyday, we would text randomly in the afternoon during the week with maximum 4 to 6 messages exchanged throughout the day. At night, I'd call her to say goodnight. Most times, I'd say goodnight and that's it, but there were times where I'd attempt to hang up the phone and she'll be like "going to bed?" I'll say "no, just don't like talking too much on the phone" and I'd feel that she's kind of upset that I wouldn't stay on the phone, so I ended up staying and we talked about our expectations.

 

Another week passed, she got even more distant, so another argument and this is what caused our break up because she seemed so unsure.

 

I'm not the type to message a lot, if she's out with her friends, I don't message AT ALL. I wait for her to message me when she's back or call me when she's back home. If I'm out with my friends, she also respects my space.

 

I don't know really where we've gone wrong... why she lost interest...

 

We were together for a month and a half (6 weeks).

 

I'd appreciate some feedback from the ladies... or anyone with experience.

 

Thanks.

[TaraMaiden]

never commit yourself to a relationship with someone who doesn't know whether they want one or not.

It's an investment with no payback, return or - interest.

 

I'm sad for you, but to be honest?

I'd have bailed out here, in your shoes.....

 

"okay, obviously I approached you because I'm interested... what stage in life are you in right now? What are you looking for?" Her response .... "I don't know".

if you're sure what you want - and she wasn't - I'd have played it in a far more detached way.

I'm sorry it didn't work out.

but listen for - and read - the signals....

[JayL]

Yeah... I guess...

 

Although it is partially my fault for having too much expectations...

 

I think it was because we went too fast, we started having sex and we were official in 2 weeks... so my expectations just changed in a snap of a finger.

 

If she had said no when I asked to be official, I would have taken things less seriously...

 

I really, really, really liked her... but in the long run, I guess it's better this way.

 

After all, relationships that started with games must be maintained by playing games.

When games stop, interest level plummets again and we're back to square one even after months to years that we've been together...

 

It's sad how this world works...

[spiderowl]

Sometimes, when you meet someone and really think they could be the one, then you want to know where you stand very quickly because you are already looking ahead. If you meet someone, like them and it could go somewhere but you're not sure and you'll see what happens, that has a kind of different feel to it. If at that stage, the other person starts wanting some sort of commitment or to know where they stand, it can seem too much too soon. Maybe it's a safety mechanism to stop one getting involved with the wrong person but it is also a quick way of pushing someone away, by making them feel trapped when they barely know the person. This may not be what happened, but it's easily done.

[Silly_Girl]

You knew deep down it was too much too soon yet you did it anyway. Try and use this as a lesson for next time.

[CC12]

If she had said no when I asked to be official, I would have taken things less seriously...

 

You should have taken things way less seriously in any case. You only knew this person for 3 weeks(?) before you asked her to be official. In that amount of time, it is impossible to know someone well enough to know for certain that things are going to be fine. It's risky.

 

Honestly, if I were in her shoes, I'd have gotten the **** out of dodge, too. It seems that at every turn, you were putting pressure on her to firmly state exactly what her intentions were with you. It's like you needed her to tell you, "Yes, I am madly in love with you and completely committed, forever and ever." And you needed her to show it, too. If she didn't show it, you'd question her about it. "How do you feel? Are you ready yet? How about now?" She probably didn't even know the answer yet! You did this the first time you met her, even.

 

Then when she was completely honest with you, saying, "Yeah, maybe I'm not really ready for all of this, maybe we should slow it down." You respond with, "No? All right, then, I'm just going to find someone who's on the same page as I am. I'll see you when I see you." What was with your overreactions? Were you trying to manipulate her with your theatrics? All she said was that she wants to slow things down, not that she wanted to stop seeing you altogether (after only knowing you a few weeks.) She was being the more reasonable one out of the two of you. And I get the sense that you know this, so I don't understand why you tried to be all, "Fine, get out of my life, then."

 

So there's my feedback that you asked for. It doesn't paint you in a good light, but neither did your OP. I thank you for being honest here, though.

[TaraMaiden]

Jayl, don't depend on a relationship to make you feel 'complete'.

It won't work, it never does.

[snug.bunny]

I'll share a similar story and what I learned from it.

 

Guy made remarks in response to me suggesting we spend time together. Comments, that I interpreted as, "slow it down".

 

So, I did (slow it down, and, told him as such...).

 

Here's where it got dicey - I said something along the lines of "I'm going to back off a bit". I wasn't getting the sense that he was where I was emotionally, and I tried to relay that to him as such.

 

He in turn, pursued, and I snapped at him (I snapped at that moment, because I felt like he was playing mind games. He made comments suggestive of slowing things down, I did slow it down, and he's asking "why"...huh ).

 

Here is what I've learned:

 

-Save heavy discussions for in-person

-Save heavy discussions for after you've been dating for a lenghty period (we only dated for 1.5 months, if that)

-Get a better feel for the person, before becoming physically intimate (IE: sex tends to cloud your judgment, by effecting your brain chemistry). When that is not present, you think and behave more logically.

-Don't pressure someone after they've told you (for lack of a better term) "they are not ready". Don't ask them why, don't pound them with questions, just back off and do your own thing. If they ask why are you backing off, tell them, keep it brief and emotions out of it.

 

And lastly, and probably the MOST important, what TaraMaiden said.

[JayL]

Thanks for the feedback everyone.

 

I know it was my fault for being too pressuring...

 

I should have acted like a friend first with a little romance, but it was the fact that it is so hard to take a step back once you start having sex with someone.

 

Also after the fact that you've met each others' families, it's just different....

 

The only way for us to make this work is to cut each other off for a period of time and if time comes that her and I could still be interested, then it may work out.

 

She does not talk to me anymore and have ignored my messages in the past.

 

Today, I sent her a message, poured my heart out and admitted it was my fault for being too demanding too soon. All of your responses made me realize things that I would have not realized myself or just by talking to my friends.

 

I told her that if she decides to give me a chance to let me in her life again, I would still like to pursue her, but this time act just as a friend until things progress to something more naturally over time.

 

I also told her that I'm backing off for good now, I won't expect her to respond, but if she decides to respond when she's ready, I will be there.

 

I really like this girl, I've seen qualities in her that I have not seen in many women that I have been in relationships with in the past, even the ones that I just went on dates with. This girl is just unique and I hate myself for losing her.

 

I think it was the affection that we've shown each other in the first couple of weeks and the sex that made it really hard for me to take a step back and act normal physically. Giving her less attention was not the problem, it was the fact that I'm too physically aggressive/sexual whenever we were together alone at her or my place.

 

Thank you again everyone and I really am hoping that she will give me another chance... my very last chance... if not... it's a consequence that I have to face for using my lower head instead of my upper head.

[SeattleBabe]

EddieFews is just awesome in giving good comments/advices.

 

Welcome to LoveShack

[JayL]

Okay, so I had a talk with someone she's very close with whom I've started talking to as well as a friend.

 

Apparently, she did feel the excitement within the first 3 weeks, but for some reason felt that things were going too fast (again) out of nowhere, hence made her back off. I think it was maybe because she was thinking too much into it... but I could be wrong... It could be a friend telling her "omg that's too fast" which toys with her mind... but again, I don't know that... It's just what I think "maybe" happened...

 

I just don't understand how a stable ongoing relationship suddenly felt "we're going too fast" out of nowhere if we just do the same stuff and communicate the same amount and sometimes, even less...

 

It could be a guy friend who likes her? I don't know... I know for a fact that she hangs out with different guy friends with just her and the guy. She also hangs out sometimes with this guy whom she was seeing months before her and I met. Something that never bothered me as I don't have those kinds of insecurity or trust issues. She tells me she's going out, my answer was always "ok have fun, talk to you later" and she won't hear from me again unless she messages me. I never asked who it was and where they were going. Although, I do know for a fact that several guys flirt with her through text. The way she smirks on the text message she's reading whenever her and I are sitting beside each other watching TV. I'm not the type to look over and read what was sent to her, but I knew that it was a guy because I could see the name when her phone lights up. (iPhone).

 

Nearing the end of the relationship, I asked her for the reason why she's always hot and cold and giving me the mixed signals. Day 1 she will be the one to come and show affection first, have sex with me etc.., day 2, she will ask me to come over, but when I'm over she sits on the other side of the couch and not even talk to me. On our 6th week, days before the break up, she admitted that she was not that into me. That she really wanted to try though because she has never met any guy in her entire life with the qualities that I posses.

 

So I don't know... I am just so confused and I don't know if I really f'd up or I was led on... could be both.......

 

Also... I don't know if this counts or even matters... She was single for 5 years but had F buddies within those 5 years, including having sex with someone she met when she went on vacation for 2 weeks. As in ZERO commitment, for her, it was just fun and games and "emotionless" sex, according to her. In fact, she's got stacks of condoms under her bed. She's an Asian girl who has only had sex experiences with Afro-American men in the past and I'm an Asian man and her first non-black sexual partner. Obviously, mine is not as big as theirs. I hope that this was not the reason why she was "unsure", because obviously, if you're used to big, the pleasure doesn't feel the same if you go to smaller size.

 

That part of her and her past, I've accepted and let go. What mattered to me was the present and our potential future... although if I had known those facts prior to starting a relationship with her, I would have walked away due to her questionable values (in my books at least).

 

Up to now, I'm still trying to find my closure.... I don't know what really caused us to fail... Is it because she just doesn't want a relationship but tried? Or because sex wasn't the same as she's used to? Or because I pressured her and expected too much too soon? Or is it because she just was not into me, but tried because of the qualities that I posses that she could not find in a lot of men in her past?

 

I'm so puzzed...

Edited September 12, 2012 by JayL

[truth_seeker]

Okay, so I had a talk with someone she's very close with whom I've started talking to as well as a friend.

 

Apparently, she did feel the excitement within the first 3 weeks, but for some reason felt that things were going too fast (again) out of nowhere, hence made her back off. I think it was maybe because she was thinking too much into it... but I could be wrong... It could be a friend telling her "omg that's too fast" which toys with her mind... but again, I don't know that... It's just what I think "maybe" happened...

 

I just don't understand how a stable ongoing relationship suddenly felt "we're going too fast" out of nowhere if we just do the same stuff and communicate the same amount and sometimes, even less...

 

It could be a guy friend who likes her? I don't know... I know for a fact that she hangs out with different guy friends with just her and the guy. She also hangs out sometimes with this guy whom she was seeing months before her and I met. Something that never bothered me as I don't have those kinds of insecurity or trust issues. She tells me she's going out, my answer was always "ok have fun, talk to you later" and she won't hear from me again unless she messages me. I never asked who it was and where they were going. Although, I do know for a fact that several guys flirt with her through text. The way she smirks on the text message she's reading whenever her and I are sitting beside each other watching TV. I'm not the type to look over and read what was sent to her, but I knew that it was a guy because I could see the name when her phone lights up. (iPhone).

 

Nearing the end of the relationship, I asked her for the reason why she's always hot and cold and giving me the mixed signals. Day 1 she will be the one to come and show affection first, have sex with me etc.., day 2, she will ask me to come over, but when I'm over she sits on the other side of the couch and not even talk to me. On our 6th week, days before the break up, she admitted that she was not that into me. That she really wanted to try though because she has never met any guy in her entire life with the qualities that I posses.

 

So I don't know... I am just so confused and I don't know if I really f'd up or I was led on... could be both.......

 

Also... I don't know if this counts or even matters... She was single for 5 years but had F buddies within those 5 years, including having sex with someone she met when she went on vacation for 2 weeks. As in ZERO commitment, for her, it was just fun and games and "emotionless" sex, according to her. In fact, she's got stacks of condoms under her bed. She's an Asian girl who has only had sex experiences with Afro-American men in the past and I'm an Asian man and her first non-black sexual partner. Obviously, mine is not as big as theirs. I hope that this was not the reason why she was "unsure", because obviously, if you're used to big, the pleasure doesn't feel the same if you go to smaller size.

 

That part of her and her past, I've accepted and let go. What mattered to me was the present and our potential future... although if I had known those facts prior to starting a relationship with her, I would have walked away due to her questionable values (in my books at least).

 

Up to now, I'm still trying to find my closure.... I don't know what really caused us to fail... Is it because she just doesn't want a relationship but tried? Or because sex wasn't the same as she's used to? Or because I pressured her and expected too much too soon? Or is it because she just was not into me, but tried because of the qualities that I posses that she could not find in a lot of men in her past?

 

I'm so puzzed...

 

This girl is all about the flavor of the moment. She gets bored quickly. She had her fill with you, now she wants another guy. When she's done with him, it will be another guy. I don't see this girl ever being in a solid LTR.

[JayL]

Based on all the facts that I've shared...

 

Is it a smart idea to even "try" and get back with this girl?......

 

Or is she a major red flag herself?

 

I know I've had my faults, but if two people are genuinely interested in each other... I don't think "too fast" would have mattered.

 

I never asked for her commitment, I never demanded for her life to be dedicated to me. I've respected her space, her alone time, her friends time, her family time.

 

That's why I never understood how much less can we slow down...

 

Here's a summary of our day :

 

No message until 3 pm to 8 pm and if we message , it will be very short and sweet. Throughout the day, our text messages combined to each other are maximum 5 to 6, sometimes 8 on very rare occasion.

At night, I'll call her to say goodnight, how was your day, ok good, I'm going to bed, talk to you tomorrow. On very rare occasions, she would make me feel that she wanted to talk more, as in ask me a bunch of questions of what I'm doing why I'm hanging up the phone... so we would talk for an hour or so.

 

We spend an average of 2 days a week together. One of the days will be only a couple of hours since I come from work and I come over for dinner, watch TV and that's it. On the weekend when we don't work, I come over, go to the park and walk around with her, have lunch, go to the grocery store and buy ingredients for the dinner that we will cook together, eat dinner, have sex, watch TV, I go home after.

 

The only reason why we always argued at least once a week was because of her rollercoaster emotions... Day 1 sweet, cuddly, kisses me etc... Day 2 I'm invisible, if I tried to kiss her, she won't kiss back. This went on for an entire month of us being official, since first two weeks we weren't really official, so I didn't mind at all and still kept my distance.

 

The way she acted towards me was so inconsistent that it really F'd with my mind, making me wonder what the hell was going on. Before we have sex, she's all over me, the next time she sees me and we already had sex for that week, she treats me so casually. It was just mind F***ing!

 

Based on our weekly lives together as a couple, can anyone tell me how we're going too fast? We did simple stuff and enjoyed each others' company. Not like we talked about having kids and family etc. I would have ran for the hills myself if we talked about that within a month.

 

A week before I asked her to be official, she wanted to slow down, so we did. I dropped all the more romantic ways and continued with the flirting and making fun of her. We went out twice within that week, walked around her neighbourhood one night and another night we went for dinner and that's it. That weekend, it was a Saturday, she came from dinner with friends and asked to come over at my place, we started making out etc etc and when we were talking, she hinted out that she wanted to be official because she's been having fun with me, so I smiled and said "oh so you're forcing me to ask you to be official?" then she smiled back and said "mmmmaybe" then kissed me, so then I asked her to be official. Within the weeks we were official, she admitted that she's not 100% sure about her feelings, which I said was okay, because obviously, feelings build over time. What I did not know what she was unsure about her interest level in me as my "flirtatious" ways decreased and I got more affectionate towards her instead. In my mind, we were in a relationship, so I balanced both flirting with her and being more affectionate as a boyfriend, which made her feel we were going too fast?......

 

I stopped playing the little game that kept her interest level up and took our relationship more seriously, then her interest level dropped...

 

If I am to get back with this girl, I'll have to keep playing the "thrill" game again, pretend I'm busy and can't see her everyday, not respond to her text message until 2 hours later etc etc.

 

What about a year from that point? If things get more serious, will she lose interest again? Because the "game" was no longer being played?

Edited September 12, 2012 by JayL

[CC12]

What I did not know what she was unsure about her interest level in me as my "flirtatious" ways decreased and I got more affectionate towards her instead. In my mind, we were in a relationship, so I balanced both flirting with her and being more affectionate as a boyfriend, which made her feel we were going too fast?......

 

Why did you change the way you acted toward her? Think of it from her perspective. She met a fun, flirty guy and things progressed very quickly, but it was okay because you were pretty cool and you thought the world of her and you guys were having fun. Suddenly, this dude that she just met is being all sappy and boyfriend-y and she's probably like, "Whoa, who is this person with his head in my lap? I don't really even know him." And it just really hammered home the fact that you two don't know each other well enough to be acting so comfortably like some couple who has been together for 20 years. That's my theory.

 

You've got to let these things build. She was single for a long time and it was probably weird for her to go from being on her own to being with someone who was just. so. into. her. There was no fun "dating phase," no getting to know you, no feeling you out, no anticipation of what might happen - "Does he or doesn't he like me?" She met you, and then, boom. A full-fledged relationship. You were right there in her face. I'm not saying you should play games. Getting to know someone before committing is not a game. It's just the rational way to go about dating.

 

You knew it was all too soon, but you chose to ignore her requests to slow it down, and you ignored your own common sense and just went full steam ahead. A botched attempt at getting a girlfriend. Learn from it, move on.

 

Is it a smart idea to even "try" and get back with this girl?

 

You already tried. You sent her a message where you poured your heart out to her and said, "I'm backing off for good now." So you've done all you can and you need to stop now. Stop thinking about it, even. I can tell by your posts that you keep going over and over things in your mind. Go for a walk or something to clear your head.

[JayL]

Maybe I'm just blaming myself for losing a good girl (or is she really?)....

 

It's true that I got all comfy, but for me, I was just being myself around her.... Her and I have spent 4 days a week on a 2 week period after I met her family, as her mother invited me to come over for dinner.

 

I could have done things differently but that would not have been me.

 

I'm one of those very affectionate/romantic men who doesn't give the girl too much attention type... She does her own thing, I do my own thing, but if we're together, I'm the type to care... It is also a fact that I'm aggressive... I do pick up women at any time and place after all...

 

She always complained that I'm too proper and neat, since whenever I'm over at her place, I help her clean up stuff. I'm just used to tidy environment and dirty plates sitting by the sink really annoys me.

 

When her mother is there, I always offered help when she's doing the dishes etc as a sign of respect. Her complain was I'm too proper and she's not used to it and that her last boyfriend wasn't like that...

 

I don't know... maybe I'll really just let it go... *sigh*

 

I've been the same way in the beginning with my past relationships that lasted 1 to 3.5 years.

 

Maybe she's different...maybe she really just wasn't as ready yet... Oh well....

 

Thanks for the advice... I really appreciate it...

Edited September 12, 2012 by JayL

[truth_seeker]

Why did you change the way you acted toward her? Think of it from her perspective. She met a fun, flirty guy and things progressed very quickly, but it was okay because you were pretty cool and you thought the world of her and you guys were having fun. Suddenly, this dude that she just met is being all sappy and boyfriend-y and she's probably like, "Whoa, who is this person with his head in my lap? I don't really even know him." And it just really hammered home the fact that you two don't know each other well enough to be acting so comfortably like some couple who has been together for 20 years. That's my theory.

 

You've got to let these things build. She was single for a long time and it was probably weird for her to go from being on her own to being with someone who was just. so. into. her. There was no fun "dating phase," no getting to know you, no feeling you out, no anticipation of what might happen - "Does he or doesn't he like me?" She met you, and then, boom. A full-fledged relationship. You were right there in her face. I'm not saying you should play games. Getting to know someone before committing is not a game. It's just the rational way to go about dating.

 

You knew it was all too soon, but you chose to ignore her requests to slow it down, and you ignored your own common sense and just went full steam ahead. A botched attempt at getting a girlfriend. Learn from it, move on.

 

You already tried. You sent her a message where you poured your heart out to her and said, "I'm backing off for good now." So you've done all you can and you need to stop now. Stop thinking about it, even. I can tell by your posts that you keep going over and over things in your mind. Go for a walk or something to clear your head.

 

^^^ Right on. I know because I've made this mistake.

[JayL]

I didn't intentionally change it...

 

The problem was I think I got attached too soon for spending too much time with her...

 

I still teased her, made fun of her etc, but I started getting more affectionate from time to time.

 

On the other hand, according to her, she's not the type to get attached and it takes a long time for her to warm up due to her disastrous 5 year relationship that led her to stay single and just have F buddies for the next 5 years.

 

On my end though, I stayed single for 2 years after my last relationship that was a mutual break up. I've always been a relationship type of man. Although, I've gone on dates within my 2 years of being single, but I didn't see the qualities that I'm looking for in a woman until I met her.

 

I may have just ended up with someone who's on a different page in life, perhaps...

Edited September 12, 2012 by JayL

[snug.bunny]

If I am to get back with this girl, I'll have to keep playing the "thrill" game again, pretend I'm busy and can't see her everyday, not respond to her text message until 2 hours later etc etc.

 

No, you don't do anything of that nature. Do however, tend to your personal life (that shouldn't stop regardless, you had a life before her right?).

 

I asked her to be official. Within the weeks we were official, she admitted that she's not 100% sure about her feelings

Bah, enough! PLEASE, trust me on this. When someone tells you that they aren't sure, they're not looking ahead into the future concerning a relationship, HEAR them. Anything short of a "yes", is a no, including uncertain responses: "uh, well I wasn't really thinking about that..." and/or "uh, I'm not really sure how I feel about you yet to be in a relationship".

 

She's uncertain. Let her work through her uncertainty. In the meantime, you can try to be there, casually date, whichever you are most comfortable with.

[InJest]

Anytime a girl is 'confused', 'unsure', or any other vague bs, you should automatically toss her in the **** buddy category until she demands exclusivity. This girl would have been all over you if you had just not cared about her so much, so early on.

[Imajerk17]

Here's my story...

 

I picked up this girl at the mall and that same day, we sat down for a bit and talked. I asked if she had a bf and she said she had been single for 5 years and only had 1 boyfriend who she was with for also 5 years (15 to 20 yrs old, she was in a rel, then 20 to 25, she was single until her and I officially started dating).

 

During that talk, I asked her "okay, obviously I approached you because I'm interested... what stage in life are you in right now? What are you looking for?" Her response .... "I don't know".

 

We ended the quick first date and I walked her to her car. Before I left, I said "well... I want to see you again, how is it on your end?" she smiled and said "well.. I haven't ran away yet". So we went on 2nd date and that's when I first kissed her.

 

Fast forward 2 weeks, I think her and I both got too excited. We didn't really text much because I hate texting, but we did talk at least twice a week on the phone for an hour. We did go too fast and even I was getting overwhelmed by it, but I just kept going with the flow. By the end of that 2nd week, she started distancing herself which I noticed, so her and I talked and we agreed that we were going too fast. She said that she does not know if she's ready yet for a relationship, so I said okay, then I'll just go and find someone who's on the same page in life. She kissed me that night and said "I'll think about it".

 

The next day, I messaged her and said "don't stress on thinking about it, if you're not ready, then you're not ready, that's fine" and she said she wants to give it a try, so we did.

 

Fast forward 1 week, Saturday night, she messaged me and asked what I was doing. I said I was just at home and relaxing, she asked if she could come over, so I said sure. That night, things happened and we became official.

 

Things were great for 2 weeks, we started having sex, she introduced me to her parents (I know,too soon) had lunch with her family, her and her parents invited me over couple nights during the week, so I'd be at her place after work. By the end of the 2nd week that we were doing great, she started backing off again and I noticed again, so I said "not sure again about how you feel?" and she said "I just want to be honest that I'm 50/50 about this... I know that you're 100% into it".

 

So I said... well okay then, I'll just see you when I see you, if not, oh well... maybe next time.

 

Things went great again for another week, until I started noticing her "roller coaster" emotions again and she started thinking that she had been spending too much time with me, which was 2 to 3 days a week. This again caused another fight. I told her "it has been a month and I think that you and I should have an idea of where we both stand.... but it seems like whenever we take 1 step ahead, you take 2 steps back..." then she again said that she's only 50/50 into it.

 

So again, we take another "backing off", which I did not know how much more I could back off.

 

Everyday, we would text randomly in the afternoon during the week with maximum 4 to 6 messages exchanged throughout the day. At night, I'd call her to say goodnight. Most times, I'd say goodnight and that's it, but there were times where I'd attempt to hang up the phone and she'll be like "going to bed?" I'll say "no, just don't like talking too much on the phone" and I'd feel that she's kind of upset that I wouldn't stay on the phone, so I ended up staying and we talked about our expectations.

 

Another week passed, she got even more distant, so another argument and this is what caused our break up because she seemed so unsure.

 

I'm not the type to message a lot, if she's out with her friends, I don't message AT ALL. I wait for her to message me when she's back or call me when she's back home. If I'm out with my friends, she also respects my space.

 

I don't know really where we've gone wrong... why she lost interest...

 

We were together for a month and a half (6 weeks).

 

I'd appreciate some feedback from the ladies... or anyone with experience.

 

Thanks.

 

Way too much too soon too strong. How many "where is this going" conversations did you initiate in only *6 weeks*? (I bolded 3.) Next time chill out a bit and give them a chance to wonder and you might have better results.

Edited September 12, 2012 by Imajerk17

[JayL]

Everything was confusing...

 

On our 2nd date, she initiated the question "where do you see us going?" , my response was "so far... we could be going somewhere, depends on how you will be in the future". Then I poked her.

 

Then 3rd date, we went for a walk by the lakeside, she asked the same question, my answer again was "If you really are who you say you are then we might get somewhere,we'll see".

 

Anyway, she was hot and cold as I said. She'd act and say she wants to be with me most times, but occasionally she will pull back. She seemed to have been thinking too much into it.

 

I haven't put pressure on her, or maybe I have without noticing. The last argument we had which caused the break up was because apparently, she was getting turned off by me being too proper/neat/critical about things.

 

If there's a piece of paper towel lying around, I'll put it away, when her music was blasting and her mother was sleeping in the next room, I politely asked her to turn the volume down, when she finished eating the yogurt while we were lying in her bed, she put the empty container beside the bed and I told her that's one good way to have cockroaches in your room. Apparently for her "it's a turn off", because I'm too "anal" about things. As for me, I'm just really that way even at my own place. I hate it when things are untidy or disorganized. Apparently, I was telling her what to do, while for me, turning the volume down was something I expected her to do as a daughter as her mother was sleeping in the next room and the bass can be heard even if I went outside. Then the yogurt container, I just made a comment as for me, I wouldn't put an empty food container on my bed. For her though... I was apparently telling her what to do....

 

After that, we were on our way driving to the lakeside but she didn't say a word while I was driving. We went for a walk, she was still quiet. Normally, she would have grabbed my hand, but she didn't. So I asked her "are you okay? you seem very quiet today". She said nothing.... and kept walking, so I said "I hope it's not me being anal? I'm open to talk about it, compromise and let's find our middle ground so we don't butt heads", her response was "I don't want you to change for me" , my answer was "I'm not changing for you, I'm willing to compromise so we can make things work. Nobody is exactly alike and relationships don't work without compromise and it's like wasting time".

 

Then she flipped out saying that I'm threatening to break up with her, which was not even my intention. Then we kept walking and I could tell she was pissed so I said "I'll drive you home.... I don't understand why you're acting this way". We got to her place and she broke it off saying we always fight and my answer was "because you don't communicate, you just turn cold and act that way and not say anything. How can us work out if you don't even communicate?" Then she didn't say anything.

 

A week later of no talking, I talked to her cousin (yes, I met her family that soon, her mother, her brother and her closest cousin's family. Her parents are separated.) and told her what happened since day 1. Her cousin's response was "I have a feeling that she's just not that into you." Her cousin also told me this... "she wanted to be in it with you because you have the overall qualities of her ideal man... but I think it's best for you to just move on and let her go". And yet, a week before we broke up, I tried to break it off because I felt like I was being strung along because of her rollercoaster emotions. She started crying and said that she does see us going somewhere and she can feel it.

 

Then now here we are... hence I'm confused as f*ck.

Edited September 12, 2012 by JayL

[Imajerk17]

There's quite the possibility that she just wasn't right for you either. She does sound rather immature.

[JayL]

The red flag for me was she has been single for 5 years... what normal female lasts 5 years with no relationship and was content to just have F buddies throughout 5 years and not feel bad about herself?... I'm wondering if she treated me as just another F buddy with boyfriend status in her 5 1/2 years of being single...

[CC12]

The red flag for me was she has been single for 5 years... what normal female lasts 5 years with no relationship and was content to just have F buddies throughout 5 years and not feel bad about herself?

 

Many "normal females" last five years (or more!) with no relationship. Why should she feel bad about herself for being content with having F buddies? If you're not into women who have that kind of history, that's fine. Just don't date them in the first place.

 

And stop talking to her cousin about this. It's none of the cousin's business and you shouldn't be gossiping about her to her own family members, anyway. That's her family, man, and you might cause years of discomfort or hurt feelings. Just back off.

 

when she finished eating the yogurt while we were lying in her bed, she put the empty container beside the bed and I told her that's one good way to have cockroaches in your room.

 

So you guys were lounging in bed together, she was eating yogurt, and when she was finished with it, she set the empty container off to the side, and this caused you so much discomfort that you couldn't help but be passive-aggressive and say, "Mm, yes, that's a great way to get disgusting cockroaches in your house." Buzzkill. If it bothered you so much, why didn't you just pick it up and dispose of it correctly? You weren't just stating that messes made you uncomfortable, you were passing judgment on her and how she keeps her place. That's how I would have taken your comments, anyway.

 

Learn how to be more accepting of other people's habits before you try dating someone seriously again. An empty yogurt container should not cause a conflict.

[JayL]

I've realized last night after catching up with an old friend that I need to just let this go.

 

It's a simple fact that her and I were just not on the same page in life.

A simple fact that our personalities just don't click together.

 

I'm a proper type of guy who grew up in a "disciplined" environment. On the other hand, her type is the opposite, hence she always complained that "I'm too proper, polite, respectful etc", which from her point of view is a sign of weakness and is a turn off.

 

Eitherway, she won't fulfill my needs and it won't last.

 

I need more, she can only give less, hence I felt neglected.

She needs less from me, but I've been giving more, hence she feels suffocated.

I want a relationship, she doesn't.

 

This break up basically saved me from a prolonged torture and deeper heartache down the road.

 

It's quite obvious that she just wanted casual and while I did want casual for awhile to get to know each other better, her and I having sex within the first 2 weeks just killed the natural flow of things.

 

It may have been my mistake for going too fast and failing to step on the brakes, but she gave consent to having sex and in fact initiated the first time we did it.... as in undressed me while making out. Instead of pushing me back, she pulled me right in. It was not a one time situation either, but twice a week.

 

I'll go find someone who wants the same things as I do and someone who can accept and appreciate me for being "me".... that's the solution... plenty out there. My female friend I was with last night was one, except she's in the friends zone for me.

 

In the end, she's a great girl and I truly appreciate her trying to "want" a relationship even though she originally didn't want to be in one.

 

Thanks for all the advice people. I really appreciate it.

Edited September 13, 2012 by JayL