Another marriage rant...but not quite sexless!

[belkin2]

Oddly, I am the one who wants more kissing and hugging and cuddling. She doesn't even enjoy that part...and that is what bothers me. If we do have it, then she wants it to move along. I want to spend time touching and kissing and hugging...especially kissing.

 

Romantic weekends are out of the question right now, but I can say that in the past, when we did it, it didn't make a difference. She gets more relaxed and somewhat more cuddly, but to say that it ends in sex...no. Even having a date night can be difficult, so we have date lunches. We both enjoy those, but (as it would be with a date night), there is no expectation of it ending in sex on my part, and I try hard not to show that I expect it. IF it ever does, then I let her initiate it.

 

Perhaps we will someday get to counseling. And I don't want divorce either because it will hurt the kids tremendously, and it will hurt me more than help me at this point. And she will be devastated even if she hides it on the inside.

 

Thank you for your support.

 

My wife and I agreed to try to be more physical on a daily basis. Embracing for a hug when I leave in the morning instead of just a quick kiss, holding hands or touching each other as we pass, cuddling when chilling out, etc. So we are mutual on that, but when it comes to taking it further we start having some issues. I don't know how to initiate with her and she is really not into kissing and much foreplay to get things going. So its hard for me to know if she is interested or not. It typically comes down to her initiating or saying something about it, which is also an issue because she doesn't want to always initiate. Once we get there...the past few times have been different and better from the sense of her getting into it. Progress for sure, but so much left to work on. I would love to feel a deep passionate kiss from my wife, but as it stands she still will not open mouth kiss. And she has recently said that she has for a long time not been able to make out with me like that because of a lot of the emotional hang ups that have existed.

So James, I go back to wondering if your wife has some emotional hangups...perhaps resentment for something that puts up a wall between you two that blocks off her interest and ability to be that way with you. I think for some reason the act of kissing and the intimacy and emotions around that are more intense and personal than the act of sex.

I too have to be very careful about portraying any expectation of sex at any time and I have been working hard to not show any disappointment when it doesn't happen if I do attempt anything to get it going or just go for some time hoping she will initiate. The increased intimacy (read touching, but not sex) has been wonderful and I think we are both getting comfortable with when/where/how, etc.

[mem11363]

This might or might not be about sex at all.

 

If I were Jame's wife this is what I believe that I have heard:

1. He doesn't really like sex unless I am really into it. Much/most of his feeling good about it is based on how I feel about what he is doing for/to me.

2. I often don't get turned on. Part of it is me, part him, part life.

3. So if I DO make the effort, but make it mostly about him, he still isn't happy. In a sense, he doesn't really accept my sexuality.

4. I am resentful that I have to work despite having fibro. And at some level I feel that if he had focused as much on his job/making money as he does on other things (yes - including sex), I wouldn't have to work as hard, or maybe at all. Working around doctors doesn't make that easier.

5. I love that James is nice and kind and patient. I know I should like that soft, loving sex thing. I don't. I wish he would just "take" me. Not force, me, just take me.

6. He never really understood that when he stood up for himself back in 06, that WAS a turn on for me. He wasn't a jerk about it. He was just firm. He scared me, but it was an excited scare.

 

So, overall it is complicated. I know he isn't happy, but knowing that I HAVE to get turned on and want him and if I don't, he isn't happy with me just making it about him.

 

 

Thanks. Don't feel intimidated. You have many life experiences that can be helpful to the rest of us.

 

Oddly, I am the one who wants more kissing and hugging and cuddling. She doesn't even enjoy that part...and that is what bothers me. If we do have it, then she wants it to move along. I want to spend time touching and kissing and hugging...especially kissing.

 

Romantic weekends are out of the question right now, but I can say that in the past, when we did it, it didn't make a difference. She gets more relaxed and somewhat more cuddly, but to say that it ends in sex...no. Even having a date night can be difficult, so we have date lunches. We both enjoy those, but (as it would be with a date night), there is no expectation of it ending in sex on my part, and I try hard not to show that I expect it. IF it ever does, then I let her initiate it.

 

Perhaps we will someday get to counseling. And I don't want divorce either because it will hurt the kids tremendously, and it will hurt me more than help me at this point. And she will be devastated even if she hides it on the inside.

 

Thank you for your support.

[India Ink]

 

 

6. He never really understood that when he stood up for himself back in 06, that WAS a turn on for me. He wasn't a jerk about it. He was just firm. He scared me, but it was an excited scare.

 

.

 

This is the critical observation.

 

And there is much I'm tempted to write upon it.

 

But I don't think there's much point, as I don't think you're all that interested in "scaring" her into respecting you "sexually" (moreover, if you've been on forums like this for awhile... I'm sure you know enough of the key points).

 

I can't say I blame you either. You would have to act in a way that doesn't come naturally to you...not everyone finds that agreeable...or easy to do.

 

It's just too bad that the things that make your wife respect you as a kind and good MAN...are not the same things that stoke her "sexual interest"...in fact in many ways, they're completely contradictory.

 

We're half-human, half-animal...and so many of our problems arise from this dichotomy.

 

In a way, your wife's recent romantic overture was strikingly indicative of these respective halves:

 

She kisses you, tells you she'd marry you all over again...she clearly loves you (i.e. the "human" her loves the "human" you...the patient, understanding, devoted husband and father)

 

But then...try using "the kind, attentive" husband to lure her in sexually and it's "no dice"....everything is "turned off down there".

 

The "animal" her is not attracted to the "animal" you...because that attraction is cultivated on a different...more 'primitive' plane...which we are rarely consciously aware of...(but which makes sense if you think in terms of the underlying drive to create "fit" offspring)

 

 

{*hint here: what it really boils down to is "power"...females are sexually attracted to powerful men...(though it's important to note there are a mulitiple ways to be a "powerful man"...it's not a typecast role...but it is a particular "energy" conveyed)

 

 

Well...this still got rather long didn't it?...and if you're happy in your marriage that's all that really matters...but whether you feel moved to act upon it or not...just know that this UNDERPINS all of your marriage's sexual problems...not past abuse, not fibromyalgia, not kids, or dishes or anything else

 

At the heart of it all, it comes down to this.

Edited September 14, 2012 by India Ink

[JamesM]

This might or might not be about sex at all.

 

If I were Jame's wife this is what I believe that I have heard:

 

Thank you for your new view. I did laugh when I thought of a man trying to read a woman's mind! Made me think of that movie with Mel Gibson.

 

1. He doesn't really like sex unless I am really into it. Much/most of his feeling good about it is based on how I feel about what he is doing for/to me.

 

This has been an issue in the past, and you may be right...still an issue. I can say that when it does happen I do try to show appreciation. But no matter how you cut it, if this is all that sex is, then something seems to be missing.

 

4. I am resentful that I have to work despite having fibro. And at some level I feel that if he had focused as much on his job/making money as he does on other things (yes - including sex), I wouldn't have to work as hard, or maybe at all. Working around doctors doesn't make that easier.

 

To answer this point to show some problems with it would reveal too much personal info about me...and her, so I will refrain. I can say that she wants to work, but yes, she does have her moments like everyone. And she likes my job and has always been glad I took this one over ten years ago versus the last one which took more of my time.

 

As for doctors...she doesn't work around them.

 

5. I love that James is nice and kind and patient. I know I should like that soft, loving sex thing. I don't. I wish he would just "take" me. Not force, me, just take me.

 

Perhaps, but...never mind.

 

6. He never really understood that when he stood up for himself back in 06, that WAS a turn on for me. He wasn't a jerk about it. He was just firm. He scared me, but it was an excited scare.

 

SO, I should put the fear into every once in awhile? No, unless my memory serves me correct, it was the fear of losing me that motivated her. And yes, I was a jerk about it. I was furious and told her t hat I would find it elsewhere if she wasn't interested anymore. And believe me...I have tried similar conversations just as "firmly" that no longer had the same impact. Why? Because she probably called my bluff by not having sex and deep down she knew that my devotion to the kids would keep me even if she couldn't.

 

Mem, you have some good points, and there may be a crumb of truth in some.

[JamesM]

India Ink, I am not sureif I should be flattered or suspicious that you have posted twice since you joined and both times have been on my thread. I am curious because for me, it is always better to know a poster's background and experiences to better understand his/her feedback.

 

 

But I don't think there's much point, as I don't think you're all that interested in "scaring" her into respecting you "sexually" (moreover, if you've been on forums like this for awhile... I'm sure you know enough of the key points).

 

I can't say I blame you either. You would have to act in a way that doesn't come naturally to you...not everyone finds that agreeable...or easy to do.

 

It's just too bad that the things that make your wife respect you as a kind and good MAN...are not the same things that stoke her "sexual interest"...in fact in many ways, they're completely contradictory.

 

 

Well...this still got rather long didn't it?...and if you're happy in your marriage that's all that really matters...but whether you feel moved to act upon it or not...just know that this UNDERPINS all of your marriage's sexual problems...not past abuse, not fibromyalgia, not kids, or dishes or anything else

 

At the heart of it all, it comes down to this.

 

If our marriage of over 20 years had been this way since day one or even in the first ten years, then I could give this more merit. I don't disagree that it could be a possibility, but since this all seems to have started within the past ten years, then I think that something else is either THE reason or part of the reason.

 

This could all be about her wanting a powerful man and not a kind man. It could be that her pain issues, her past sex abuse issues, her medicines that lower libido issues, our finances, stress of children and daily life, or our emotional connection have nothing to do with our lack of sex. It could all be about me not coming off as "a man of power."

 

But for some reason, I find it hard to believe.

 

I have no doubt that there is much in me to disappoint her and make her want a man who is better suited for her in bed. I am not the perfect man or husband. Yet I know that (without being arrogant) she enjoyed sex and was passionate about it. "Os were had by all." Again, details are better left out. I have no doubt that my "techniques" could use improvement, but hey...they are rusty!

 

As for being a man of power, I WILL look into how that might affect our sex life. I know what you mean and it could have an impact. But I do doubt that it has a major impact.

 

Again, I could be wrong.

[giotto]

my wife always tells me... 'you keep telling me that you don't want me to do it for you, so you have to be patient and wait until I'm into it and I REALLY want to do it, not just for you'... so, I wait and wait....

 

One point about powerful men... I think there is a lot of truth in it. I'm pretty sure my wife would like a man who is totally in control of the situation, very strong, very manly, but also kind and gentle, when necessary... a good balance of alfa and beta... I'm mostly beta. But I'm very manly in bed, when I get the chance...

[hardlybreathing]

Have you seen the movie Hope Rises with Meryl Streep and Tommie Lee Jones? Maybe worth taking your wife to go see it. I think you will relate.

[hotgurl]

No, I started it to give an update about me as I have been off for quite awhile.

 

 

 

NO, she said if it was that important to me, then I may have to get it elsewhere. She did not suggest "You should have an affair."

 

I do love my wife and I do hope for a better future. Hope is what keeps us all going. Venting helps me.

 

Despite your sarcasm, you are correct. I do have hope. But staying in the marriage is more for "the family" and the kids. I am actually quite happy overall in my marriage. Sex isn't everything even if my post is only about the lack of sex in my marriage.

 

 

 

Actually, nobody can see the future. Ten years or so ago, I would have predicted things wouldn't have gone as they did either. And that is a good thing. So, in ten years when the kids leave home, we will see where we are at...if we make it that long.

 

I do enjoy the support and feedback. Honestly. But I also get feedback that makes me step back and think before I do something stupid or rash. This is one of my reasons for this thread, too.

 

 

 

....or maybe I accept things this way because I am happy that my kids are happier.

 

If my husband ever said this to me I would take him up on the offer. Right there I would say ok I will. This is BS manipulative tactic to make you drop the subject and reaffirm her.

[giotto]

If my husband ever said this to me I would take him up on the offer. Right there I would say ok I will. This is BS manipulative tactic to make you drop the subject and reaffirm her.

 

My wife said that to me too... unfortunately, I replied "but I don't want another woman, I want you"... which is what I really meant and wanted, but it was definitely the wrong answer...

[India Ink]

India Ink, I am not sureif I should be flattered or suspicious that you have posted twice since you joined and both times have been on my thread. I am curious because for me, it is always better to know a poster's background and experiences to better understand his/her feedback.

 

 

 

If our marriage of over 20 years had been this way since day one or even in the first ten years, then I could give this more merit. I don't disagree that it could be a possibility, but since this all seems to have started within the past ten years, then I think that something else is either THE reason or part of the reason.

 

This could all be about her wanting a powerful man and not a kind man. It could be that her pain issues, her past sex abuse issues, her medicines that lower libido issues, our finances, stress of children and daily life, or our emotional connection have nothing to do with our lack of sex. It could all be about me not coming off as "a man of power."

 

But for some reason, I find it hard to believe.

 

I have no doubt that there is much in me to disappoint her and make her want a man who is better suited for her in bed. I am not the perfect man or husband. Yet I know that (without being arrogant) she enjoyed sex and was passionate about it. "Os were had by all." Again, details are better left out. I have no doubt that my "techniques" could use improvement, but hey...they are rusty!

 

As for being a man of power, I WILL look into how that might affect our sex life. I know what you mean and it could have an impact. But I do doubt that it has a major impact.

 

Again, I could be wrong.

 

 

Oh I'd go with flattered. (although, I'm curious as to what you'd be suspicious about).

 

I usually post on another forum...and indeed, these are my first ever posts here.

 

I actually wouldn't have posted a second time if Mem's point hadn't motivated me to by cutting straight to the heart of the problem.

 

And the fact that her lack of interest didn't occur on Day One of your marriage is not surprising to me...I should expect the problem to have coincided more or less with motherhood.

 

And I was going to write my working theory about why this happens…(some of which is corroborated by science, some of which stems from my own observation)…but I’ve thought better of it…there are too many pieces, and I’m afraid it’d be too convoluted and unhelpful…moreover, it doesn’t always boil down to children…there are certainly childless couples which have the same issue

 

But regarding the Power Thing being the crux of it all…now of that I’m quite sure…at least where “feminine” women are concerned.

 

(there are straight women who tend to assume the ‘masculine’ gender-role in the relationship…and none of this would apply then)

 

Use the animal kingdom as a reference point (especially the social animals) and the evidence for POWER quickly mounts:

 

The lioness mates with the lion that has gained control of the pride.

 

The strongest rams get to mate with the females.

 

Eighty-year-old men millionaires marry 23 year-old models…and do we realize when we say “she married him for the money” that money is nothing more than the “power” that drives human society?

 

Women, being quite weaker physically than men, have an instinctual need to seek out the strongest male…and if you think about it, if men weren’t motivated by sex…the women of pre-history would’ve been in a heap of trouble trying to fend for themselves.

 

We often talk of sex being used as a weapon…and in way, it is indeed, it is quite naturally a women’s “weapon”…or rather her most potent protection…which she must use to attract the "fittest" mate...it’s just that our comfortable modern society warps and abstracts all of the underlying animal drives which govern our actions and behaviors.

 

We don’t think in terms of the cave man carrying the biggest “club”…no it's myriad subtleties involving attitude, confidence, assuredness, an authoritative-presence…and yes, sometimes it’s still the biggest, “club “ (or it's modern equivalents i.e. money, high-paying job, car, etc)

 

The institution of marriage confuses things for us as well, because it is founded upon our noblest human ideals…the best we aspire to be…but tends to founder somewhat when forced to mingle with unflattering animal realties like:

 

Romantic love is not unconditional.

 

People get bored of each other.

 

People all need to “get something” out of a relationship

 

Many men must fight a desire to roam.

 

And many women must fight the animal desire to sexually “shut-down” to a NICE husband...because whether she's conscious of it or not the "animal her" doesn't give a damn about niceness...even if the "human her" adores her wonderful sweet man, and "feels terrible" about being so turned off by him sexually

 

In your case, the fact that sex did return to your marriage when you threatened divorce lends credence to this argument for the attraction to power (and unless there are some unmentioned mitigating factors…I wonder why are you dismissing such a valuable insight?)

 

And to be clear it’s not that she doesn’t want a good, indulging, soft-touch husband….as I said, a PART of her does want that...but another PART of her doesn’t.

 

Ultimately, she wants both.

 

This is also why I think “emotional-connection” while important, gets too much attention when fixing “sexual” attraction…that’s a "human-side" desire…and is (often) necessary but NOT at all sufficient to spark real sexual interest…

 

and I suppose we may say that for all the other circumstances you mentioned…their remedies may be necessary...but they will not be sufficient

 

(And frankly, I’d wager that even if you could eliminate her fibromyalgia, her stress, the financial worries etc…this very instant…sex would still not return to your marriage…but if you could somehow change the power dynamic…it very probably would, regardless of anything else---admittedly this is not at all easy to do)

 

Best of Luck!!

Edited September 14, 2012 by India Ink

[mem11363]

India,

From the outside we have a 1950s marriage. She is the stay at home mom, and I work and travel.

 

On the inside:

She has a lot of traits that I grew up being told were male:

- won't stop and ask directions (not kidding), while I don't mind doing so at all.

- lower affect than I am by nature

- etc.

 

Outside the bedroom, while it is a jointly run operation, and she leads way more often than I do. Inside the bedroom, I ran the show lost completely for the first 18 year and then it became more 50-50.

 

All that said she has always pushed boundaries. The consequences of not being assertive and sometimes aggressive were that she would steamroll.

 

The impact of not blending in enough alpha in the day to day was a noticeable drop in her desire level. So even for a 70-30 wife driven marriage the lack of power adversely impacted lo g term desire.

[oldshirt]

James, I haven't read all of the posts and I'm not sure if you are still following this thread but I wanted to chime in a little bit and offer some food for thought.

 

An earlier poster offered that your options are celibacy/frustration, affairs, prostitutes and divorce. I'll also throw in that open marriage may be an option and it is one that your wife has already broached so that may be worth more discussion but that is not my point at this point.

 

As a man, I have to try to put myself in your shoes and think of what I might do. I am pretty self-aware that a very important thing for me to have in a relationship is for my partner to have a sincere attraction and desire as well as love and respect, honor etc for me. I understand perfectly when you say it is critical for her to be aroused and satisfied etc and it is not just about you getting your tank drained (my words, not James')

 

Without those things it is just a friendship and roommate arraingement.

 

I truly do not think that I can live in a friendship/roommate arraingement, many men obviously do.

 

Celibacy is out for me, it just won't work. Prostitution is distastefully and unappealing to me, it defeats the whole purpose of wanting to be desired.

 

Affairs is also distastefull and unappealing to me just due to the dishonesty and pain and controversy it causes.

 

I would consider an open marriage but again I want to be in a full-service relationship with someone that actually desires me so while it may ease the pain for a temporary period of time, it is not a real solution.

 

That leaves divorce. I want you think about something here. Divorce will mean the end of a dream and an end to the visions that both of you have had of your futures together since the time you got engaged. It is an end and a big change in lifestyle. It will also come at a financial cost and an upheaval to both of your lives and it will effect your children. There will be a grieving and adjustment period....I get that.

 

HOWEVER..........

 

Does it really have to be destructive and harmfull???????????

 

You two sound like you do care for each other and have respect and honor for each other. why does that have to end in a divorce????

 

She knows you are unhappy and dissatisfied. she knows she isn't cutting the mustard. If she does love and care for you she will want you to be happy and fullfilled and she has to realize that she isn't providing that.

 

You too have to realize that for whatever reason she has lost her desire for a passionate and intimate relationship with you. I really doubt there is anything you or she can do to get it back.

 

Is there really any reason to believe that you two could not have a successfull and nondestructive divorce??? While you both may have a sense of loss and broken dreams, is there any reason to believe that there will anger and hostility and bad blood between you?

 

Your passion has died a peacefull death with a whisper and not a roar. With no passion there will be no anger, resentment, bitterness, hostility. Just some temporary sadness.

 

Since you two do have a relationship of fondness (dare I say love) and respect and a sincere committment to raising a healthy and happy home for your kids, is there any reason to think that you can't be supportive friends and cooperative coparents from two separate households????

 

Many divorces are not destructive, damaging battles with casualties on both sides. Some are quite cooperative and amicable.

 

I'm willing to bet within a year of your divorce that you will have a new special someone in your life that will love and desire you in a manner that you hope for and I'd also be willing to bet within that year that she also will meet someone and low and behold it turns out she DOES have some sexual and passionate feelings after all.

 

Yes that will be a bitter pill to swallow at the time but again if you truly do love her and care for her a part of you will want whats best for her and for her to happy as well.

 

Again just some food for thought. This ship has probably sailed and if you want to experience meaningfull passion and intimacy again in your life, you will probably have to search elsewhere.

 

Divorce doesn't always have to be a bad thing. The reason there are more divorces today isn't because of moral decay or the breakdown of society or the obsolescence of marriage. It's because people can. Economics have changed in that women are now on more equal financial footing and the stigma of divorce has decreased substantially and now instead of people living in misery and loneliness they are moving on and starting new lives.

 

It may be time to give that some thought.

 

I do wish you well and hope you find happiness some how.

[oldshirt]

and just FYI, I do agree with a lot of what India Ink has said. You may be dealing with factors and forces here that transcend the logical, conscious mind.

 

Things like attraction and desire and arousal are not conscious choices and they don't make logical sense. Sometimes they just are what they are.

 

if she wanted to have sex with you she would regardless of fibromyalgia, regardless of medications, regardless of pain, regardless of kids in the house, regardless of how many hours she works, regardless of her Aunt Petunia's hip surgery, regardless of her BMI, regardless Nitt Romney's views on women's role in politics and regardless of the dishes piling up in the sink.

 

she has told you to your face that you will not find a life of passion and intimacy with her. She has been upfront and honest with you and provided you with the information you need to make an informed decision on what to do with your life.

 

She has made her bed. She will now have to accept that you will either be a dissatisfied, frustrated and potentially bitter and resentfull husband or she will have to accept that you may now dissolve the marriage and leave or accept the fact that you will get those needs met elsewhere.

Edited September 15, 2012 by oldshirt

[florence of suburbia]

...You may be dealing with factors and forces here that transcend the logical, conscious mind.

 

Things like attraction and desire and arousal are not conscious choices and they don't make logical sense. Sometimes they just are what they are.

 

if she wanted to have sex with you she would regardless of fibromyalgia, regardless of medications, regardless of pain, regardless of kids in the house, regardless of how many hours she works, regardless of her Aunt Petunia's hip surgery, regardless of her BMI, regardless Nitt Romney's views on women's role in politics and regardless of the dishes piling up in the sink.

 

she has told you to your face that you will not find a life of passion and intimacy with her. She has been upfront and honest with you and provided you with the information you need to make an informed decision on what to do with your life.

 

I agree with oldshirt's post 100% and couldn't have said it better. If my husband came to me tomorrow and said he wants to split because he needs someone who desires him sexually I would have to let him go.

[William]

Note from moderation: We moved the threadjack to the following thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/marriage-life-partnerships/347254-sexless-marriage-other-side-merged

 

This thread is now open for continued on-topic discussion. Thanks.

[SunflowerKitten]

Hi James,

 

I read your post and you are not alone.

Even though your wife is very capable of doing things, you are in some form a caregiver to her, what is called a Well Spouse.

 

There is an online support group at Well Spouse

 

It is for Spousal Caregivers who currently care give, or who had a spouse they took care of who has passed from illness/disabilities, and then those who have separated and divorced after caregiving.

 

Your emotions and frustrations are valid, and important, and it is natural to feel upset when one thing is missing or gone and you are used to it or feel you need it.

 

The fibromyalgia is debilitating at times, and even if you think her pain is not as much as she says it is, i have to tell you sick spouses hide things from us, their caregivers/wives and husbands.

The pain and other complications from the disease and medications can cause issues with not feeling aroused anymore, or her body loses the ability to feel excited in any sense, and this can make her view herself as not as desirable. She can feel depressed by it.

 

She wants you to be happy and feel pleased, that's why she initiates or ends up making sure you are satisfied, but you need to try and not take that as her not trying.

 

She might not have given up, surely she hasn't given up on you, but her body has betrayed her, so her sex life is not what she wants it to be.

 

She can keep quiet about if intimacy hurts her when she gets off, she might not say it cause then she feels you will react that you are the one who caused her to hurt more.

 

There are creams and other over the counter medications to help libido in woman, her abuse in the past can be a factor, but there are creams, ect, that can help the hormones in her body kick start and help her feel like she used to.

 

I am speaking from a female prospective, but also a former caregiver prospective,s o trying to help you from your point, but also your wives point.

 

As someone who was abused as a child in foster care, and then raped at the age 17. I know the impacts that has on our psyche as women, but also our overall definition and reaction to sex.

 

I married at 18 and had three children with my husband at the time, he emotionally, verbally, and mentally abused me, but i also was his caregiver when the abuse was happening because he has a brain and spinal defect disability that dumped on us 4 yrs into the marriage.

The stress of caregiving caused me to have a hysterectomy when i was 25, and i had breast cancer at age 27.

I still have my ovaries, but my uterus was taken and my cervix, so my hormones for a 29 yr old are not what they should be.

 

My desire for intimacy never changed, but i have to try new things for my body to respond, it is nothing i can control, it was out of my control, but i am taking control of trying to help my body get back into the groove.

 

I was in a sexless and lack of intimacy and affection marriage, my only marriage thus far, and due to a series of reasons i had to separate and divorced this year, so now i am 29, single, and raising 3 kids.

 

I now have the choice of how to make sure my body stays healthy and i have the ability to do what i want when (i hope) to be in a relationship and then marry with the man i am supposed to be with, and share that connection, share the affection, intimacy, passion, and all the aspects of sex and a partnership, and share the love.

 

Don't give up and it is ok to vent your frustrations, but don't be angry or hurt at your wife if you are unsure of what she really goes through and thinks in her mind.

 

Please go read the Caregiver forum, it is helpful.

 

Also, look into getting therapy for your needs and just having someone to talk to about what stresses you are under.