sweethearttx Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 I'm dating a wonderful man. He is 36, I will be 32 in November. I've been divorced almost 6 years and I know he's the one for me. We were friends for a year and a half before we started dating. Now we have been dating a year and two months. All in all we've known each other over 2 1/2 years now. We are very happy together, everything works. The problem: He's very independent. He hadn't had a relationship since college. It's been hard for him, and the first few months were tough as he adjusted from "me" to "we". It was 6 months before he spent a whole weekend with me. It took him 11 months to say I love you, and I had about given up hope by then. I was getting frustrated. Now as we move into our second year, and I've asked him if marriage/living together has entered his mind, he's not even thinking about it. We had a discussion, I've made it clear I want to re-marry. I've made it clear I won't wait forever. If at 2 or 2 1/2 years he isn't even TALKING marriage, I feel like he just doesn't want to marry me. Because we've already known each other a long time outside of dating, not to mention the time we've been together as a couple. Mostly I'm here to ask how to keep waiting and being patient with a man who I'm pretty sure will come around, but I don't know when or if I will lose hope. I'm getting sad and depressed, and resentful about always withholding emotions and bending to fit his timelines and limits. I withheld feelings of love for almost a year, because he wasn't ready or there yet. It's just hard. I went to a wedding with him yesterday and it sorta set me off I guess. Thanks much!
Author sweethearttx Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 I don't believe that. Sorry. If at 2 years he doesn't talk marriage, then I will. We were friends long enough that I know him. If he knew he would never want to marry me and knew I wanted to get married, he'd end the relationship. Period.
irin Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 the biggest mistake you can do is spend years with people who dont want marriage, while you do, dont sit there hoping he'll change, somehow magically be interested in it. ask directly what are views on marriage, and from there on you should have your answer. theres no point in wasting time with someone that doesnt want what you want in life.
Author sweethearttx Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 Let me be clear. He knew going into this relationship I wanted marriage. He told me he does want to get married. He is struggling with giving up living by himself and merging his home space with someone else. That's where we are right now. Never has he said he doesn't want to marry me or that he doesn't want marriage.
CarrieT Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 You are contradicting yourself in these two simple statements: He told me he does want to get married. Never has he said he doesn't want to marry me or that he doesn't want marriage. I'm willing to believe he is not interested in getting married whatsoever. Seems like you should just move on. 3
Ruby Slippers Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 I'm getting sad and depressed, and resentful about always withholding emotions and bending to fit his timelines and limits. Don't do this. Why are you placing your needs and wants secondary to his? All that tells him is that you think he's better than you. Men don't love and marry doormat women who just want to please them. They love and marry women who know what they want, value and respect themselves, and don't settle for situations that make them feel sad, depressed, and resentful. I know that it can be tempting, when you REALLY like a guy, to work to fit his mold of the perfect girl. But this is a dead end. Why would you want to fake your way through life? You are giving and bending too much, basically telling him you'll do whatever it takes to keep him - even if you're not getting what you need or want. 5
Quiet Storm Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 Never has he said he doesn't want to marry me or that he doesn't want marriage. He's never said that with his words. What do his actions say?
kaylan Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 (edited) You cant expect marriage talk after only 1 year. Give it time OP. Find out if hes open to the overall idea of marriage, but dont try to rush a marriage. If you can be for sure he does want to get married some day, then stay together and wait for your relationship to naturally grow. But only after you know he has similar goals. And as others say, listen more to his actions then his words. Dont waste each others time if you see his actions dont match what you want. Edited September 11, 2012 by kaylan
Leigh 87 Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Some people can be really in love, yet not be marriage minded. While 1 year is not enough for all ( or even most) men to be ready to think about marriage, he is not closed off to it! It sounds like the close you two get, the sooner he will know if he wil change his tune... Perhaps he will, instead of talking about marriage, say something like " I can see myself spending the rest of my life with you". That is just as good. Because even the most in love can be against the whole marriage thing If he is really into you and clearly adores and loves you, and your having a great time together, just go with it! He is not shut off to marriage. He would have clearly stated it. 1
TaraMaiden Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 LISTEN: No wedding bells..... Ain't gonna happen sweetheart. And this: I don't believe that. Sorry. If at 2 years he doesn't talk marriage, then I will. We were friends long enough that I know him. If he knew he would never want to marry me and knew I wanted to get married, he'd end the relationship. Period. ...Is a pile of crock. He's quite happy the way things are. "If it ain't broke, don't fix it" Why should he end a relationship in which he's getting precisely everything he needs? If you're not happy - it's down to you to end it, not him.... You can talk until you're blue in the face. What you need is Actions, not Words. And the way he's acting....? You really need a reality check, darling. IF he gets married at all, the way this is going, you're going to be looking at a wedding in about 10 years.... 3
TaraMaiden Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Oh ok, you don't live together. Hmm. Yeah, double-check.... Double hmm......
hestheone66 Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 A friend of mine is with a man for 12 years.. she was always telling him that her life would be perfect if he would marry her.. she eventually stopped asking/pestering him. He got her a ring last month as an anniversay gift and implied it was an engagement ring.. only trouble is she doesn't want it now as she realised that if he didn't want her enough to marry her before , she no longer wants a 'forever' after with him.. she is dreading him actually asking now, where once she would have been overjoyed. timing is so important. SHe now realises she is 'staying put' for the sake of a child they have to gether, and the romance has been killed by him taking too long to make a permanent declaration for her.. he took her for granted for too long
Titanwolf Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 SHe now realises she is 'staying put' for the sake of a child they have to gether, and the romance has been killed by him taking too long to make a permanent declaration for her.. he took her for granted for too long That was her decision to stay no?. If the guy is willing to ACTUALLY stay with her "forever", why does he need a piece of paper to confirm that?. That's beyond silly. He's not taking her for granted at all, she had a voice and free will, she is not a victim... 1
ascendotum Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 what G said about many men not seeing a great benefit to getting married is true, and what TF said about 'If it ain't broke, don't fix it' also true. For whatever his reasons or maybe's he's a little emotionally damaged from past experiences or lack of recognition by women as to his desirability, he's taking things slow. Yeh real slow if it took him 6 mths before he could spend the weekend with you.....it should not be a shock then that he's not chomping at the bit to rush up aisle. This doesn't necessarliy mean he doesn't think you are fantastic woman for him. You have only just got into the 2nd year of a relationship with this guy, for him this is somewhat of a new life experience, and he's going to want to enjoy more of the gf/bf years (no different from a big % of guys). You said 'I'm pretty sure will come around' + you have been there done that when it comes to marriage, so if you find this guy is going to be a great one for the long haul, give it more time...as long as he shows he loves you, and talks of a future togther.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 You cant expect marriage talk after only 1 year. Wrong. The OP is 32 years old. What if she wants kids, and wants to have them with her husband? Or even if she doesn't want kids, she wants a husband, not a long-term boyfriend. She needs to know this is going in the right direction. If he hasn't even thought about it after a year and 2 months, that's not a good sign. 2
KatZee Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 (edited) Let me be clear. He knew going into this relationship I wanted marriage. He told me he does want to get married. He is struggling with giving up living by himself and merging his home space with someone else. That's where we are right now. Never has he said he doesn't want to marry me or that he doesn't want marriage. I'm sure he's TOLD you, and has SAID a lot of things to you. These are things to keep you waiting. Keep you hoping. To keep you around. My ex told me these things too. Saw everything with me. But at the end of the day, they were all words. All talk, NO actions. It's really irrelevant what he's "telling" you. He's not backing anything up with action. Does he really expect you to just wait around, and to go through things based on HIS time line and when HE feels ready? He may NEVER get there! Someone recommended this book and I just purchased it on Amazon since I really connected with what the book was discussing: If you've ever found yourself in a relationship that feels and seemingly looks like one but you're struggling with commitment or you've been in the ambiguous territory of a 'casual relationship', you've likely tried to change them, wondered what you 'did' to cause this, what you can do to win their love and commitment, or even whether you're going crazy. Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl is the definitive guide to understanding the relationship between emotionally unavailable men and the women that love them. From explaining how and why they blow hot and cold, to where that future they promised went to, how you've ended up being a booty call, why you've been together for a gazillion years but aren't going anywhere, and more importantly how and why you're involved with them in the first place, all of the answers are here. You know you're dealing with unavailability when you ask stuff like: What happened to that 'great guy' from the beginning? Why won't he break up or stay away if he doesn't want to commit? What the hell did I do to make him disappear? Is he going to leave 'her' for me? It's because he's shy/busy/scared of his feelings isn't it? Mr. Unavailable and the Fallback Girl: The Definitive Guide to Understanding Emotionally Unavailable Men and the Women that Love Them: Natalie Lue NML: 9781450540391: Amazon.com: Books Edited September 11, 2012 by KatZee
Mrlonelyone Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?" Right now he's getting just what he wants, sex and companionship and you aren't getting what you really want a true commitment. For many men that's an ideal situation. Why should he place his assets in jeopardy by marrying you when he can have sex with you (possibly get you pregnant) and retain his ability to walk away at will? I agree with you about time frames, two maybe three years max is long enough to know if you could be married to someone. If you aren't talking marriage at that point then it ain't happening. So here is an unorthodox suggestion. You propose to him. You want to get married, ask him to marry you. I don't mean ask him to ask you. You buy the rings and you ask him. "Oh but I'm the woman the man is supposed to ask".... that was never really universally true at all. If he says no then you have your answer and should dump him. If he says yes then great, you can get married. 1
kaylan Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 (edited) Wrong. The OP is 32 years old. What if she wants kids, and wants to have them with her husband? Or even if she doesn't want kids, she wants a husband, not a long-term boyfriend. She needs to know this is going in the right direction. If he hasn't even thought about it after a year and 2 months, that's not a good sign. Youre still wrong. Serious marriage talk after 1 year, pressuring a guy who already has kids, is a really bad move. It takes more than a year to truly know someone and determine whether you can spend your life together. Im sure the guy may have thought about it, but I dont think hes seriously considering marriage when hes only dated this woman for a year. Get real. I dont care what age anyone is.... pressuring for marriage after only dating a year is a BAD idea....especially when the other person has already been married and has kids. Wouldnt it be obvious that the other person may want to be really sure about who they married the second time around considering their first marriage didnt work? Why in the world would you think its a good idea to freak them out by rushing things when its been only 1 year? If she needs someone whos ready to rush to marriage and have kids all in under 2 years...then dump the guy she has now and go searching again. I just think rushing is bad because we see too many women rush and settle down with the wrong guy...and end up divorced because in all the rush to settle down with someone, they ended up settling on a spouse instead of finding the man they really wanted a life with. The marriage forum here, and others across the web, are a testament to all of this. Id rather adopt and have a happy marriage for 35 years, instead of rushing to beat the biological clock and being divorced in under 10 years. Edited September 15, 2012 by kaylan
Ruby Slippers Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 It takes more than a year to truly know someone and determine whether you can spend your life together. I disagree. I think if you don't see marriage potential within a year, it's most likely just not there. 1
veggirl Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 I disagree. I think if you don't see marriage potential within a year, it's most likely just not there. I totally agree with this considering the OP is 32. It's different when you are young 20s and whatnot, but at her age it is definitely realistic to expect / be ready for serious marriage talk at a year. Plus she has known the guy for even longer, I think if he is "not ready" to even have serious discussions about this at this point then OP is hedging her bets unwisely IMO. It would be hard for me to wait around if I was her, wait to see if he "comes around" so to speak...esp if she wants children. 1
FitChick Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 OP needs to find out if this guy has Virgo and Aquarius aspects in his chart, as well as other aspects which make it difficult for him to commit. Otherwise, I'd start looking for articles on how married men are happier and healthier and live longer than single, divorced or widowed men and that even divorced men remarry at a much higher rate than divorced women. If he wants facts, he'll get them. Then give him a three month deadline to decide, perhaps going for couples counseling in the meantime to learn now to communicate. After three months, if he wants more time, suggest you both start dating other people while you continue to date each other. It sounds like it is especially difficult for him to date since he didn't really date before meeting you. It may shock him into action. I'd also seriously look at how he is like your ex-husband to see if you are repeating patterns.
Ruby Slippers Posted September 15, 2012 Posted September 15, 2012 Mostly I'm here to ask how to keep waiting and being patient with a man who I'm pretty sure will come around, but I don't know when or if I will lose hope. I'm getting sad and depressed, and resentful about always withholding emotions and bending to fit his timelines and limits. I withheld feelings of love for almost a year, because he wasn't ready or there yet. It's just hard. If I were in your situation, I would determine for myself, completely independent of the guy, how long I'm willing to wait. You've been dating a year and 2 months. Are you willing to date him for 2 years, knowing it could go either way? 3 years? 5 years? The sadness, depression, and resentment are telling you this isn't working for you. Then give him a three month deadline to decide, perhaps going for couples counseling in the meantime to learn now to communicate. After three months, if he wants more time, suggest you both start dating other people while you continue to date each other. I think this is good advice. If it were me, I'd be thinking about moving on, while giving things a chance to progress. I wouldn't want to hang around for months or years on end, only to learn that he has no intention of getting married. I'd rather find a guy who also wants to get married. He's told you he hasn't even thought about it. You know he's the guy for you, and he's still not sure you're the girl for him, after knowing you for 2 1/2 years? That would probably feel like too big a mismatch for me.
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