Nolovejones Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 So my ex gf broke up with me because I questioned her about something fishy she wrote on a website. She said she was done with me and the situation because I went looking for something to get upset about. Let's keep in mind that she never expressed how she was feeling towards me while she was upset but she would post her feelings on this social network. We had been together for almost a year and a half. We are in a long distance relationship in which she came to visit me once. When she exploded on me for simply questioning her post on the site I said some really mean things out of anger (who doesn't?) we didn't speak for 3weeks, she randomly called me to discuss business and then it errupted the feelings I had so I did what you shouldn't I begged and pleaded to get her back. That was a huge no no, anyway I found out she was dating someone else the second week after our breakup who happens to live in another state. It pissed me off because the whole relationship she gave me a hard time for not being there with her and doing the things that couples do. To mak things worst she has made plenty of trips down to where the new person is to spend time with them. But me the person she was "in love" with only got one visit.. Basically what I am saying is what does it mean when your ex rebounds with someone and places herself in the same exact situations she supposedly hated? And why on earth would she dedicate my old songs to her to the rebound it's only been two months?!! ..the kicker is this is all stuff that I found out..she doesn't know that I know all of these things..this is so hard for me.. HELP!!
PepperPotts Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 There are two answers for your question. 1. What does it mean when your ex rebounds with someone and places herself in the same exact situations she supposedly hated? What is hard for one relationship can be easy for another. This happens a lot, even for short distance couples. One party says they have a problem with something, but then they enter into a new relationship where the problem is embraced as something good. Men who refuse to have kids start dating women who have children from previous relationships. Women who refused to consider living together before marriage move in with their new boyfriends in under six months. Different relationships have different dynamics. In this case, it sounds like you two had some serious communication issues. Namely, you didn't communicate. She was uncomfortable discussing problems with you, so she vented them elsewhere. She viewed you as looking for something to be mad about, so she felt like she had to walk on eggshells. She's started over, and she's trying to move on and improve herself. She's realized that she was mad because she didn't get to spend enough time with you, so she's sheltering her new relationship from that problem by making more visits to see him. And the fact that she "hated" being in an LDR doesn't mean she hates LDR. It means she hated the dynamic of your relationship. I'm in a relationship with a man who swore he'd never be in an LDR after his last one failed. When it became apparent that we'd have to go LDR or break up, we made a plan and worked hard to protect our relationship from the problems his last one faced. I know the things that hurt him before, and I avoid them like the plague. I'm guessing your ex's new guy is doing the same thing. Two things that seem the same aren't always, OP. Bob Evans biscuits and gravy and Cracker Barrel biscuits and gravy are *not at all similar* even though they're called the same thing. And one is markedly better than the other. 2. And why on earth would she dedicate my old songs to her to the rebound it's only been two months?!! Because she associates them with a feeling, not a person. They're not *your* songs to her, they're songs about feelings of love for someone. She feels that for him now, and she's expressing that the way she knows how. Others might suggest that she's dedicating them to him because they mean nothing to her, and are thus recyclable. That's possible too.
Author Nolovejones Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 Thanks for your post it was very informative. It just makes me so angry like she gave me hell for any and everything under the sun. Nothing I did was good enough, but with this new guy she is a completely different person. Like I treated her very good and she never once would say a thing about how happy she was. She would just post miserable things like her friends although she wasn't going through anything like that. But now she post how happy she is and how everything is perfect. Like what in the world is going on?
justwhoiam Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 You told us only things about her (she came visit just once, she was unhappy, she used to complain, etc.), but you didn't tell anything about yourself. Don't you find it weird? What did you do? How many times did you visit her? What did you do to make her happy? How did you love her?
Author Nolovejones Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 Well I went to visit her 3 times...what did Ido to make her happy Hugh lets see...flowers and edible arrangements just because...purses just because..I sent her love emails expressing my appreciation for her..put up with her insecurities when she told me I had feelings for another person when I only had eyes for her(the majority of our arguments)..what I did wrong I let frustration build up then I would explode on her..I would express the things she did that I didn't like and she wouldnt take into consideration that I actually had feelings...so I would just take it with a grain of salt until boom..I couldn't hold it in anymore...if you as her to this day she will say that she is still on love with me...but she treats me as if I am the worst thing that has happened to her life..the problem with many women is when they get with someone who doesn't let hings gt to them as much as others they tend to forget that we have feelings and boundaries just like everyone else...if you're thinking I neglected loving her...that is not the case..but when she broke up with me she told me she was never happy during the whole relationship...but during the relationship she told me that she was and that she loved me more than I would ever know... (misleading) which one is/was it??? Where those things said out of spite to hurt me?? I never lies to her or treated her badly..we just a bunch of serious arguments..I can admit when I'm wrong..but she never did..at all..leave it to her I woke up angry everyday for fun and just took it out on her...but I wa also playing the victim..I told her that if she would actually admit that she has as much to do with our arguments as I did we would then be able to mow forward...nope...the blame was/is still on me..
justwhoiam Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 It seems you need a woman decoder... - If you don't buy her anything, you come across as stingy, but don't think that buying her stuff can win her heart, you need to do that through other methods. - When a woman feels insecure, 80% of the time, she has a right to it, at times it's about the way you say something, or some story you told her, but the source elements are always objective: it's how she draws conclusions that might be flawed - How do you show you really love her if you can't even let go? You think you're right, she thinks she's right, and women happen to be right most of the time, not always. But for men this is quite unacceptable. So you find yourself to either let go or lose her. What do you do? That's a crucial decision most men have to face soon or later. In a fair world, when you're wrong you apologize and when she's wrong she apologizes. But if things go a different way, then what do you do? You can let go and forget it, or you can let go but sort of hold it against her. Or you can simply split up, because she'd be very resentful, knowing you can't do any effort to make things work. - Being in love with a guy and "hating" him for the way he acts is not so uncommon. She's not lying if she says she's in love. Just her expectations are not met and that drives her nuts to the point of not wanting you anymore. - You probably didn't neglect her, nevertheless you couldn't handle arguments properly and they would grow to extremes. This is a very negative trait that in the long run leads people to break up. - After you break up and during the time right before the event, you start seeing things in a more detached way, and the negative sides often overshadow the positive ones. This is why everything's black afterwards. And even what could be cute and nice now becomes awful. She's not lying, she's just looking at things from a different perspective. The irony is that *you* could create those extremes: either extreme joy or the worst sadness. So it was in your hands. And you had a great power. - You can admit when you're wrong, but what if you don't see you are wrong? You'd need someone letting you see that. And that takes time and effort. And when someone's exasperated, they tend to just give up and not care anymore, even if deep down they do care. But they start thinking it's not worth it anymore. - I guess you didn't wake up angry for the fun of it... but at the same time, I think you were unaware of some of your attitudes which meant nothing to you but were signs to her. I am assuming this because I see that happening quite often. - I don't know your ex, so I can't really say anything about her, but the sentence "she was playing the victim" can be a recurrent theme among men, often out of place, if you ask me. Women in general don't like being victims. Most of the time, there's some disconnect that creates bad feelings, and miscommunication and men not understanding do the rest. 1
Author Nolovejones Posted September 11, 2012 Author Posted September 11, 2012 If I didn't buy her anything I would seem stingy -_- really..how so? I didn't buy my relationship that's impossible..if it was that then we would've been over long ago..and why on earth would i admit that I was wrong without realizing what I had done??..how would I not recognize attitudes that were nothing to me but she saw them...how about stop over analyzing every little thing..that's the problem..I can't breath without someone assuming or over analyzing ?? You sound just like her you have a narcissistic personality..how am I the root of someone's insecurities when I give you no reason to be??..stop finding reasons in why the "guy" is wrong..or not understanding and freaking communicate!!! If all of those feelings you've expressed are true for you or maybe even her...again communicate I am not a mind reader...and saying that women don't like to be the victim...cut the crap!!..if you've never ever tried to actually face the fact that a relationships problem involves two people then you are a fool..there are exceptions (cheating) ..but let's be serious if you breakup ove foolish things then stop putting the blame on the other person..and try to work through the real problem..if she wanted out she should've just said that instead of getting mad at me for finding out she was about to cheat on me!!!
PepperPotts Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 You are understandably upset right now, but that blow up was misdirected. Justwhoiam made a lot of good points, actually. You sound like you hate this girl, so my advice at this point is move on and let it go. Does it really matter why she's happy now? If this is how you feel about her then she's nothing to you. She's not someone you want in your life, so you didn't really lose much. This isn't a place where we tell each other everything is unicorns and rainbows. This is a place where we give answers based in experience and based on the information given by the OP. We try our best to answer each other's posts accurately and helpfully. That means we don't sugar coat it. We don't pretend OP is always right because that leads to major problems later. This relationship is over, Jones, but you'll have another. Take from it this: every breakup has two parties, and no matter how one-sided the problems seem, both people are always at least 1% at fault. There are mistakes you made here that you can avoid in a future relationship. That's what you need to focus on: hope for the future instead of bitterness for the past. While you're between ladies, read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus. The biggest problem in couples these days is a lack of understanding when communicating. Women hear things men say through a lady filter and men hear things women say through a haze of testosterone. What we hear isn't generally what's meant. That book provides a ton of insight into decoding what the other person is feeling and thinking, and can help you adapt to the situation. Cut your losses, Jones. And start building for your fresh start. 1
justwhoiam Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 I agree with PepperPotts 100%. If I didn't buy her anything I would seem stingy -_- really..how so? First misunderstanding. That was a general statement, I was not talking about you. If I say "as you sow so shall you reap", I'm not talking about you personally. Anyway, use your energy the right way, as PepperPotts suggested. Or you might face the very same problems again soon.
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