Update on my story...

[Got it]

AR - Feel like you are beating your head against a wall?

 

Life is too short to try and deal with circular logic and rigid perspectives.

 

I think you have a good plan in place. Step back, live your life, and if he is meant to catch up he will. He has a number of issues on his plate that needs tending to. She is his baby to rock and he needs to get it figured out if he wants to figure things out. I have found that men seem to want to wrap up loose ends much more than women and are more hesitant that people are "okay" with their decisions that they stay in this wishy washy stage. Not sure if it is the provider piece but it stays in limbo. He cannot control her actions, she is going to do what she wants to do, he has to be okay with that and do what he feels is right for him. If it is to keep trying to reconcile, then he needs to pursuit that, if it is to move on the divorce, it is to do that. He needs to have boundaries out there with timelines and see if she will meet them or he will move to the next step alone.

[AnotherRound]

Lol I do!!!! The frustration of trying to communicate with someone who had no idea how to communicate... let's just say, I am totally feeling so much empathy for exMM right now! lol

 

I agree. That's why we decided what we decided. I want him to be where he WANTS to be, and not where he HAS to be. When I told him how I thought he should be very clear with his STBxW that he is not going to try any further to reconcile, he was amazed. lol He said, "I cannot believe that you are giving me advice that would possibly lead to me reconciling with her, and I can tell that you are genuine." I think what most people misunderstand, is that I am not trying to manipulate this outcome at all. I do NOT have a dog in this race, and never really did.

 

Did I love him? Yes. But I would never want him to be unhappy. I want him to do what is right for him and his family. I should have never been in an A with him, but I was. I can't change that now, but I'm not going to beat myself up over it. I did what I thought best at the time, and what I had the strength to do at the time. That was then, this is now.

 

I am genuine. If he wants to reconcile (even if I disagree with his reasons for wanting to do so, as he and I are different people in that I would base it on love and connection, not children or material things), then that is what he should do. And if they can? Great. I'm not involved. I removed myself from the situation last year, and it is not my gig, it is theirs.

 

I don't doubt that he loves me. I even think he maybe needs to date around some. But, I am not him and I'm not making his decisions for him, I only make my own decisions. I was honest with him about my feelings and what I want and need IF this goes anywhere. If he decides to accept that "challenge", then we will go from there. If he can't uphold his end of it? I can walk, I'm not afraid of that. I don't want to live my life afraid of what MIGHT happen. I will take it as it comes.

 

I feel really good about where I am. I still have my date this Thursday, and I'm looking forward to it. SG seems to be a great guy. If exMM and I mesh in our lives at some point down the road, I will handle it then. Like I said, I'm just not afraid of much, I can make decisions when need be. Thanks for understanding!

[Got it]

I see it as putting a pin in it and maybe getting back to it in the future.

 

Glad to hear about your date! It is really on your MM to move things along, if he misses his window with you, well his loss. We all gamble on our decisions and life and sometimes they go in our favor and sometimes they don't. But he is moving now, and needs to move in one direction or anther.

 

For me, after dday, I could not stay in the affair. After it all came out there was no reason not to leave then or recommit to the marriage. As hard as it was, I was out and walking, if dMM caught up and I was still open to him, well lucky him. I knew how much I brought to the table and my attributes. I knew that he wasn't the only man that would want to be with me and knew that I would not be alone for ever. I wanted him to figure things out at home and if he wanted to recommit then I wished him well. I just wanted the man happy however that may be. What I didn't want to deal with any longer is any limbo. If he was going to sit on a fence I was not going to be around to watch it.

 

But I loved him, I knew that he had a lot to figure out, I knew how much the kids factor tore him up and I couldn't make the decisions for him. He needed to make the ones that were right for him and be at peace with regardless of my status in his life.

 

Good luck to you!

[AnotherRound]

I see it as putting a pin in it and maybe getting back to it in the future.

 

Glad to hear about your date! It is really on your MM to move things along, if he misses his window with you, well his loss. We all gamble on our decisions and life and sometimes they go in our favor and sometimes they don't. But he is moving now, and needs to move in one direction or anther.

 

For me, after dday, I could not stay in the affair. After it all came out there was no reason not to leave then or recommit to the marriage. As hard as it was, I was out and walking, if dMM caught up and I was still open to him, well lucky him. I knew how much I brought to the table and my attributes. I knew that he wasn't the only man that would want to be with me and knew that I would not be alone for ever. I wanted him to figure things out at home and if he wanted to recommit then I wished him well. I just wanted the man happy however that may be. What I didn't want to deal with any longer is any limbo. If he was going to sit on a fence I was not going to be around to watch it.

 

But I loved him, I knew that he had a lot to figure out, I knew how much the kids factor tore him up and I couldn't make the decisions for him. He needed to make the ones that were right for him and be at peace with regardless of my status in his life.

 

Good luck to you!

 

Exactly! What happened in your situation? And I totally agree, if exMM misses the window, then that's the way it goes. I gave him a lot of good years, he knows what he has with me, but he also knows that I can walk away... just like I did before.

 

And I totally agree. I just want him to be happy. I would like his wife and child and myself to be happy too. Imo, life is far too short to spend it "wasting time" with someone that you know you aren't happy or compatible with. To me, single life is better than that.

 

And thanks for the good luck.

[Got it]

In my situation we were both married. I was planning on divorcing when we started and I officially separated about a month into the affair and divorced a year later. For dMM, due to kids and finances we agreed to a year to wrap things up and then he should be ready to divorce. He thought he was further along then myself and took even him by surprise that I left so quickly. We had a frank conversation at the beginning, going over timeline, conversation styles, conflict resolution, what each party needed, etc. I recapped it in an email for both of us to adhere to (I am anal like that and did not want the excuse later on for either of us to say we didn't know/remember).

 

At the year mark, when he was discussing divorce, his wife got suspicious and discovered the affair. To be honest dMM did little to hide it and had evidence around the house which I was surprised about. He assumed that if she found out about his affair while she would be upset she would understand because of her having had an affair and how she handled it. He assumed incorrectly and everything hit the fan. Because of the issues at home, and it being at our deadline date, after a week we ended things. He needed to focus on home, I wasn't going to sit in limbo, it was too stressful for everyone involved, and just a royal mess.

 

We stayed in very limited contact. He was trying to take care of things at home and get a handle on things, and I was moving forward. We were separated for a few months, I did some dating, and we spoke occasionally. When he moved out we started really talking again and started dating.

 

She found out we were together about 6 months later and things hit the fan again. The divorce continued but became very contentious. They divorced and we continued together. It's been "busy" but I really enjoy him. It hasn't been easy, we have gone through an EMR, we have done LD after the divorce, etc. (the LD was by far the hardest!), but we are going strong.

 

A key piece has been couples counseling since before the divorce. We continue to touch base with the therapist periodically but has been a huge help going through these changes. We both use her for IC as well which has made the CC very helpful.

[AnotherRound]

In my situation we were both married. I was planning on divorcing when we started and I officially separated about a month into the affair and divorced a year later. For dMM, due to kids and finances we agreed to a year to wrap things up and then he should be ready to divorce. He thought he was further along then myself and took even him by surprise that I left so quickly. We had a frank conversation at the beginning, going over timeline, conversation styles, conflict resolution, what each party needed, etc. I recapped it in an email for both of us to adhere to (I am anal like that and did not want the excuse later on for either of us to say we didn't know/remember).

 

At the year mark, when he was discussing divorce, his wife got suspicious and discovered the affair. To be honest dMM did little to hide it and had evidence around the house which I was surprised about. He assumed that if she found out about his affair while she would be upset she would understand because of her having had an affair and how she handled it. He assumed incorrectly and everything hit the fan. Because of the issues at home, and it being at our deadline date, after a week we ended things. He needed to focus on home, I wasn't going to sit in limbo, it was too stressful for everyone involved, and just a royal mess.

 

We stayed in very limited contact. He was trying to take care of things at home and get a handle on things, and I was moving forward. We were separated for a few months, I did some dating, and we spoke occasionally. When he moved out we started really talking again and started dating.

 

She found out we were together about 6 months later and things hit the fan again. The divorce continued but became very contentious. They divorced and we continued together. It's been "busy" but I really enjoy him. It hasn't been easy, we have gone through an EMR, we have done LD after the divorce, etc. (the LD was by far the hardest!), but we are going strong.

 

A key piece has been couples counseling since before the divorce. We continue to touch base with the therapist periodically but has been a huge help going through these changes. We both use her for IC as well which has made the CC very helpful.

 

Wow, sounds like it was pretty messy there for a while. It always surprises me how possessive some folks get with someone that they haven't wanted in ages when they find out that person is wanted by someone else. I've never really understood that.

 

I'm glad it has all gotten sorted. I am not worried about myself in the divorce proceedings, as honestly, it's nothing to do with me. There has been talk that the wife is going to have me called to court, and I'm okay with that. I will be honest, bc I have not been near exMM in a year and a half. I will take my lumps, and exMM knows that I would be honest and has never asked me to not be honest. When he and I talked recently he said that his wife has not even asked him about his two As. He said that he has brought it up, and tried to talk to her about it, and she just doesn't seem to have any interest in discussing it (shocker, :o/) It's odd to me that she still wants to hide from these things, but I doubt I will ever understand her, nor do I need to really.

 

So, I'm just staying out of it, in the hopes that it doesn't have to be contentious bc they have a child together and there's no need for it to be contentious. If they are done, then it is done... I do think she wants a lot from exMM in the way of money and such, and he has agreed to just give her whatever she asks for so that he can be done with it all. Within reason of course. We will see how she handles that. But I do think if she knew that he was attempting to have a relationship with me, as she is aware that I ended it last year, that she would become possessive re him. And you know as well as I do, that possessiveness and love are two different things, and possessiveness will only take a relationship so far for so long.

 

Thanks for sharing your story with me. Again, I'm glad that you are in a good place. How hard was it to transition into a relationship that isn't under the cloud of being an A? Was it difficult to live the day to day with him? Did the relationship end up being what you thought it would be? More, less than what you thought it would be? I know that your situation and mine won't be identical, but these are things that I obviously think about from time to time now. Thanks!

[Got it]

 

Thanks for sharing your story with me. Again, I'm glad that you are in a good place. How hard was it to transition into a relationship that isn't under the cloud of being an A? Was it difficult to live the day to day with him? Did the relationship end up being what you thought it would be? More, less than what you thought it would be? I know that your situation and mine won't be identical, but these are things that I obviously think about from time to time now. Thanks!

 

I was a very high maintenance mistress so I had a pretty high par for the EMA. Him being married wasn't a positive so I expected more from him than a single guy. Plus, if he was lucky enough to have a wife AND a mistress, well he needed to put some energy into things. So I saw him most evenings, 1-2x overnights, we did trips, etc. My family knew him, were aware of me dating him, and while they didn't love the circumstances they liked him and supported me. So I saw him in a number of different fronts, from work, to personal, etc. So the transition wasn't hard. It actually was quite easy. It has flowed so well, so smoothly, it is amazing we haven't been together forever. Loving him is the easiest thing I have ever experienced.

 

The hardest thing was the LD, I hated it and really struggled with it even though I saw him ever few weeks. It is so nice to be living together again, I love being around him. The only struggle is my morning ritual. He is cozy in bed and I am schlepping around pre dark hour. I am not a cheery morning person so that sight can irk me. We live pretty busy lives and travel a great deal so we get our space.

 

It isn't perfect, it isn't always easy, there is still a long road to go. But like I said, loving him is like breathing. I can't help doing either one.