Two drunk, inappropriate messages to a stranger, wife finds, says I've cheated

[2sunny]

Just wanted to mention, all the people I know who have homebrewing as a major hobby are also quite heavy.

 

My idea for you, OP, is AA and completely cutting off the alcohol. This takes care of multiple issues at once:

 

* Drinking yourself into a stupor where you lose control of your mind and body and put your marriage at serious risk

* Self-esteem (AA is very good at helping people address this and related issues)

* All those calories which make you out of shape

 

Instead of homebrewing, do some active outdoor recreation with your wife, something you both will enjoy.

 

I agree... IF you did/do stupid things when you drink - enough to hurt your W and M - and you say you'll do ANYTHING to never hurt her again ---> wouldn't the obvious thing you'd offer FIRST is to quit drinking for good?

[CC12]

He didn't know I sent the messages until we were almost home that night, and got mad at me in the car, and when I woke up and told him about it, he basically said that I needed to go somewhere regardless, because I was not welcome to stay with him any more.

 

Wow. I'm pretty impressed by your friend. He was a hardass about this, but he's a good friend to have because he's not the kind who enables you and tells you what you want to hear. Don't get me wrong, it's nice to have the kind of friends who will support you no matter what, but a really valuable friend is the one who will call you out on bad behavior. I hope you're not upset with him or anything.

 

Also, I think giving up the home brewing hobby would be a nice gesture, even though your wife said you didn't need to. Alcohol is what got you into this mess, and I think to continue to dabble in it might show her that you're not very serious about righting this wrong.

 

How is your wife doing? Is she still really mad at you, or has she calmed down a little? Is she thinking about divorce?

[Cb3657]

Man this guy must be a glutton for punishment to keep posting here, I know most folks think they are just being honest and forthright but he has been contrite and honest in every post, why keep beating on him, he did not do this to you.

Some have given good advice about transparency etc.. But stop slapping him around for what he already knows

Good luck dude, I said stupid things before also, not to this degree, and I still hear of them years later, do the work, rebuild what you can but know it will never be forgotten

[nofool4u]

Man this guy must be a glutton for punishment to keep posting here, I know most folks think they are just being honest and forthright but he has been contrite and honest in every post, why keep beating on him

 

Because he doesn't believe he cheated, and we are telling him he did. Anytime you TRY to cheat, but were just rejected, you've already cheated.

 

We know what his wife knows and thinks. But he wants to deny it. Sure he says he did a bad thing, but he is trying to downplay his actions. He IS a cheater, he just got rejected.

[BetrayedH]

Man this guy must be a glutton for punishment to keep posting here, I know most folks think they are just being honest and forthright but he has been contrite and honest in every post, why keep beating on him, he did not do this to you.

Some have given good advice about transparency etc.. But stop slapping him around for what he already knows

Good luck dude, I said stupid things before also, not to this degree, and I still hear of them years later, do the work, rebuild what you can but know it will never be forgotten

 

I tend to agree with this. He was certainly way over the line but seems to be legitimately remorseful. They all have a tendency to minimize but I don't see that continuing from the OP. I hear a guy that really regrets a drunken act, is in a really tough spot with a previously betrayed wife, and he needs to know what else to do. I agree that he needs to drop the technicality of not having actually had sex because pursuing it on his own is plenty damning but he needs more from us than to be crucified.

[id10t error]

I guess I posted as penance, so you all could beat on me as I needed....

 

I'm guessing it wouldn't have been this bad over at survivinginfidelity.

 

First counseling session yesterday, which went well. Now have to go see a Psychiatrist due to either depression, bipolar 2, or cyclothymia. (Past issue with mood swings diagnosed by my general practioner 5 years ago, and the therapist thinks that there is definitly something going on)

 

As far as the wife, she actually found this forum today and read everything. She's been doing the rollercoaster thing, which I completely understand. She had threatened divorce several times, but I think deep down (I hope so hun, if you are reading this) she just wants to punish me by saying it. I also am doing the rolller coaster thing myself, and sometimes am very happy that we are having civil conversations, and then suddenly very down as I realize how badly I hurt her.

 

We had a good talk last night about me and my issues, and why I might be having some of the issues I really wasn't aware I was having. I thought that most of the stresses I have been under lately were just part of life, and apparently I have been repressing some stuff that has been really bothering me. So although this has not and will not ever be a good thing that has happened, it has exposed some other issues that if I am able to address I will end up a better person in the long run, which will include being a better husband and stepfather.

 

And FWIW, the therapist said no alcohol at all as well, and was pleased to hear that I had voluntarily done that since the incident. She also said that it appeared to her that I was truely remorseful about the situation, and that she thinks that we can move forward. I think the wife is going to talk to her next week, so the therapist can get an idea on her state of mind, and then we are going to work on me for a while and then do some couples stuff once we get me going. I'll probably be going on some meds, either antidepressants or mood altering, depending on what the psychiatrist decides.

 

After a lot of self reflection this past week, there is a lot going on that could have pushed me towards my poor judgement, although saying that makes it sound like an excuse, which it is not. Getting me healthy, then narrowing in on that is the next course of action.

 

Even though the wife now knows about all this, I'm going to ask her if I can continue to post on progress.

[id10t error]

Or a little revenge maybe.

 

Cause this is exactly how these revenge f*cks start . . . even if the cheater kisses major ass.

 

 

She's too classy for that.

[BetrayedH]

I guess I posted as penance, so you all could beat on me as I needed....

 

I'm guessing it wouldn't have been this bad over at survivinginfidelity.

 

First counseling session yesterday, which went well. Now have to go see a Psychiatrist due to either depression, bipolar 2, or cyclothymia. (Past issue with mood swings diagnosed by my general practioner 5 years ago, and the therapist thinks that there is definitly something going on)

 

As far as the wife, she actually found this forum today and read everything. She's been doing the rollercoaster thing, which I completely understand. She had threatened divorce several times, but I think deep down (I hope so hun, if you are reading this) she just wants to punish me by saying it. I also am doing the rolller coaster thing myself, and sometimes am very happy that we are having civil conversations, and then suddenly very down as I realize how badly I hurt her.

 

We had a good talk last night about me and my issues, and why I might be having some of the issues I really wasn't aware I was having. I thought that most of the stresses I have been under lately were just part of life, and apparently I have been repressing some stuff that has been really bothering me. So although this has not and will not ever be a good thing that has happened, it has exposed some other issues that if I am able to address I will end up a better person in the long run, which will include being a better husband and stepfather.

 

And FWIW, the therapist said no alcohol at all as well, and was pleased to hear that I had voluntarily done that since the incident. She also said that it appeared to her that I was truely remorseful about the situation, and that she thinks that we can move forward. I think the wife is going to talk to her next week, so the therapist can get an idea on her state of mind, and then we are going to work on me for a while and then do some couples stuff once we get me going. I'll probably be going on some meds, either antidepressants or mood altering, depending on what the psychiatrist decides.

 

After a lot of self reflection this past week, there is a lot going on that could have pushed me towards my poor judgement, although saying that makes it sound like an excuse, which it is not. Getting me healthy, then narrowing in on that is the next course of action.

 

Even though the wife now knows about all this, I'm going to ask her if I can continue to post on progress.

 

It can be a fine line to walk - finding the "why" behind your attempted infidelity and making excuses. Funny you mentioned SI. The wayward forum there is excellent for new waywards but the site is fundamentally softer than here. Personally, I prefer the brutal honesty of this place but I definitely think you should be posting in both. The waywards there will keep you honest and call you on your bull**** because they have already done and said all that wayward thinking before.

 

It would be interesting to hear from your wife if she is up for posting. I'd love to hear her needs from you in order to stay.

[GLDheart]

...As far as the wife, she actually found this forum today and read everything....

 

This get's me thinking... Just like those T-Shirts that have an arrow and say "I'm with Stupid", she could Post under the user name: id10t's wife

[nofool4u]

She's too classy for that.

 

Then why did you cheat on a classy woman?

 

And yes, you cheated. You wanted it, you were paving the way for it, you simply were rejected. So you cheated, at the very least emotionally.

 

So question for you is, if your wife decides to forgive you and give you a 2nd chance, are you going to refrain from guy's nights out from now on? Because honestly, those activities are only for those that can be trusted. And you F'd up being able to go out with the guys without your wife having to sit at home and take it, and wonder what woman you are trying to push up on while out from now on.

[nofool4u]

I did the revenge f***, and I'm very glad I did it. I did it with a young man, 14 years younger than my xh.

 

My xh didn't cheat on me-as far as I know-but he made a unilateral decision to seperate and moved out of the house without my permission or knowledge. He came back 9 months later and found me carrying on an affair with a younger man. He deserved everything he got.

 

After reading your posts, and given your character, I'm sure you feel that is true. I don't think you'll get many allies for a "you go girl" here.