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Two drunk, inappropriate messages to a stranger, wife finds, says I've cheated

id10t error

By id10t error
in Infidelity

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2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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Currently in the process of scheduling individual and couples counseling.

 

And? What do you feel about all the other info I presented?

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id10t error Member

id10t error

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And? What do you feel about all the other info I presented?

 

I am 100% committed to making sure that she can trust me again, and if that is what it takes then so be it. Personally, I think that drinking in public is what got me in trouble, but if she sees any form as a problem, its off the table.

 

I've already discussed with my two friends about whenever we get together and they both agree, as both of them have had issues with fidelity, which is even worse, as I used to get up on my moral high horse all the time with them.

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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I am 100% committed to making sure that she can trust me again, and if that is what it takes then so be it. Personally, I think that drinking in public is what got me in trouble, but if she sees any form as a problem, its off the table.

 

I've already discussed with my two friends about whenever we get together and they both agree, as both of them have had issues with fidelity, which is even worse, as I used to get up on my moral high horse all the time with them.

 

So YOU are going to depend on HER to be your babysitter?

 

I highly doubt when she married you that's what she signed up for...

 

It's up to YOU to CHANGE YOU - it's not HER job to tell YOU what to do or not to do. You are not a child.

 

Act like a MAN... Quit drinking all together - IF you intend to keep her and IF you never intend to cheat again.

 

THAT behavior is what got you into this - why not quit the alcohol since that is what makes you choose stupidly?

 

I think the alcohol is a bigger problem than you are admitting.

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id10t error Member

id10t error

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Obviously the alcohol is a problem because I never would have behaved that way if sober. Or at home.

 

I don't need a babysitter, but I also think it's perfectly acceptable to drive 5 mph over the speedlimit, and if that's the one thing that she says will ruin the marriage, then it doesn't matter what I think, I need to do what makes her happy.

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GLDheart Established Member

GLDheart

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I'm in agreement that I must have wanted to, otherwise I wouldn't have sent the messages, and have admitted that.

I also know that I would NEVER do anything like that sober, and other than the low self esteem excuse, there has to be a larger underlying reason for what I did. I'm confused because that is not normally how I am, and I don't know what prompted me to act like that. I'm hoping that the counseling will be able to help me figure it out, and give me the tools to fix myself. I already know how to keep it from happening again, that part is easy.

 

 

If I was your wife I would freak the F*ck out. You act like some shell shocked out of body experienced child.

 

"I don't know what came over me..."

"I must have had an alien possess me..."

"That's not who I am..."

"It won't ever happen again..."

 

Your wife must be about ready to walk away from you with all that halfhearted "admitting" you are doing. YOU ARE SCREWING YOUR CHANCES WITH THAT LAME CRAP. MAN UP!!

 

 

Try and see if you can read the difference in the way these two statements come across:

 

"I don't know why I did it, I must have somehow (magically) been under a mysterious spell, maybe a warlock spiked my drink... I'm so confused..."

 

or

 

"Honey, I'm an a-hole. I was comfortable and secure in your love and I selfishly got excited by the thought of being desired by a woman. SHE means nothing to me... but man, the rush of having her hit on me. I am so sorry that I tossed your feelings away in that moment. I f*cking hate myself for being the weak a-hole that I always complain about OTHER guys being... I'm no better. I am so sorry baby. Please forgive me..."

 

I'm just saying, If I was your wife TRUE HONESTY like the second statement would be a start... that "I'm a confused dope.." crap you keep spouting would piss me right the eff off.

 

I hope you can see that I am trying to help you with the very thing you aked for: How to (moving forward) prove yourself to your wife.

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Mme. Chaucer Established Member

Mme. Chaucer

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I hope you can learn what it means, and how to be a trustworthy person. Otherwise, your wife would be foolish to trust you again.

FryFish Established Member

FryFish

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Didnt read all the responses... but your wife is right, for all intents and purposes, you cheated...

underwater2010 Established Member

underwater2010

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I am sorry to say but you crossed a major boundary. Kudos to the OW for not following through with a married man. Time for you to work on your marriage. I am telling you right now, even though you did not have sex....the wanting to hold someone other than her cuts very deep. I speak from experience. You need to kiss major butt.

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NoMagicBullet Established Member

NoMagicBullet

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id10t error, I'm glad you are scheduling both couple and individual counseling. I'm also glad that you understand how what happened has affected your wife and marriage and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to make things better. I'm wishing you and your wife the best, and I sincerely hope that over time, your marriage becomes stronger and better than it was before. :)

2sunny Established Member

2sunny

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Now it may take years, if ever, for your W to trust.

 

It's a tough road - but you must consider every time you're not with her - she may be wondering if she can trust you.

 

One trip to the store that takes longer than expected could make her suspicious - a golf outing with your buddies and she may be left wondering...

 

I hope you have the patience to withstand what it takes to EARN her trust back.

BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

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As a guy you also have to see that when a woman flirts with a guy it's alot more uncommon than a man flirting with a woman. Women are used to being hit on and there's really nothing 'new' about it.

 

A guy on the other hand (which on top of it has low self-esteem issues) gets approached by a woman and flirted on. To him this is unfounded terroritory, something new, something fresh. He only sees what this woman is saying, he doesn't know (or care at the moment) about her bad habits, her baggage, her 'real' personality, etc.. all the bad things.

 

He feels good, the endorphins kick in because someone approached him. And you know what? There's nothing wrong with feeling good about having a woman come upto us and think that we are interesting, good looking, etc.. We are human. Women get this all the time from guys, so you can't fault him for feeling this way.

 

If a woman comes upto me while i'm out at a bar and talks, smiles and seems to have a general interest in me then to me that's great. Is it tempting to take it further? Sure, alot of the times it it.. However there are boundaries. Would I stop my wife from talking to another guy when she is out? Nope, never have. You can't keep your spouse in a cage as the one person said 'You don't go out unless you are with her'. Bull. I would never live my life that way. I'm not a child and my spouse is not my parent. If I can't be trusted, then find someone else.

 

So this guy made a mistake, he got caught up in the moment. Honestly from what I read from him on here it seems like he wasn't looking to cheat. If he really wanted to cheat he would have made it happen. My thinking on this, was that he was lonely, wanted some companionship at the time and the alcohol kicked in. Usually whatever you are feeling before you are drinking gets magnified by ten after you are drunk.

 

Does it excuse him from this? No. His wife has a right to be upset but I don't think being this hard on the guy is going to help anything. He has already admitted his mistake and seems to have learned from it. Let me tell you the worst out there in the bar scene are the married women.. They all seem to want to tell me their marriage issues and want comfort. Perhaps alot of affairs start that way, complaining about your spouse. However, women have a way to make you want to feel for them, what I always try to remember is there are three sides to every story.

 

What the OP hasn't talked about is his marriage with her. How things were going before this.

 

Not sure who you are trying to convince that this was a non-event. Perhaps if his wife was here, you could convince her. But the OP had better take it more seriously than she does. If he attempts to minimize his actions to her the way that you have, he's toast. This is especially true since she has been on this merry-go-round before. As far as she is concerned, he tried to cheat on her (which is exactly what happened, if not worse). As a betrayed spouse, if I ever found such a thing going on with my SO, they would be dropped like a freakin' hot potato. I wouldn't even remotely think twice. The "I didn't actually cheat" comment would have been plenty to seal the deal that he doesn't get it. Hasta la bye-bye. At this point there is no question that every minute she stays is a gift.

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jmargel Established Member

jmargel

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Wait a second.. He only talked to her for 15 minutes, while drunk sends some stupid texts that he now regrets over and over. You make this guy out to be a serial cheater or some awful person just waiting to take advantage of another women to cheat on his wife.

 

If this guy wanted to cheat, he could. It sounds like he got caught up in the moment with this woman and made an obvious stupid mistake. No need to grill him over this and I doubt it's going to take 'years and years' of therapy for his wife to get over this..

 

He did not cheat! By the sounds of it, it doesn't even sound like he attempted to cheat, honestly. He met her for a total of 15 minutes! He was probably infacutated that someone expressed interest in him. What he does need is to work on his self-esteem.

 

I believe investing into another opposite sex person about your troubled marriage, emotionally is alot worse than what he has done here. I sort of label it as a guy doing one of those stupid-guy things that we are famous for.

 

Yes, I know women will not get that and perhaps there is more to this story but the reality of it, is that guy's sometimes do stupid things without thinking. This sounds like one of them..

BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

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If you don't mind indulging me, I have some questions about your friend that was out with you that night.

 

(1) What is his opinion about how drunk you were? Was it, "Dude, you were so smashed, I couldn't believe you talking to that woman and sent those text messages" or something else?

 

(2) How much encouragement did he give you? Was he egging you on and partcipating? Did he offer up his place for you to use?

 

This speaks to how coordinated the whole thing was (and how much of a conscious choice it was) as well as bring a factor in whether or not you should be friends with this guy. If he's not a friend of the marriage, he (and your other cheating buds) need to go if you're respectful to your wife.

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id10t error Member

id10t error

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If you don't mind indulging me, I have some questions about your friend that was out with you that night.

 

(1) What is his opinion about how drunk you were? Was it, "Dude, you were so smashed, I couldn't believe you talking to that woman and sent those text messages" or something else?

 

(2) How much encouragement did he give you? Was he egging you on and partcipating? Did he offer up his place for you to use?

 

This speaks to how coordinated the whole thing was (and how much of a conscious choice it was) as well as bring a factor in whether or not you should be friends with this guy. If he's not a friend of the marriage, he (and your other cheating buds) need to go if you're respectful to your wife.

 

1 - you hit the nail on the head, those were pretty much his exact words, but his had a lot more profanity. He didn't know I sent the messages until we were almost home that night, and got mad at me in the car, and when I woke up and told him about it, he basically said that I needed to go somewhere regardless, because I was not welcome to stay with him any more.

 

2 - Absolutely none. Absolutely not. Absolutely not. We were both pretty hammered, although he at least remembers us coming up and going to bed. I am pretty iffy memory wise after about half the ride home. I remember sending one of the messages, but that's it. He also told his wife about the situation in the spirit of honest disclosure due to his past indescretions, and I'm sure she now thinks I'm a complete dirtbag.

 

He's still furious with me because not only did I hurt my wife, who he thinks very highly of, I also permanently changed the way me and he and his and my only other friend will forever be able to hang out.

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id10t error Member

id10t error

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Alice2012 - I can say you are 100% wrong about ANYTHING continuing once I sobered up. I would have freaked out and immediatly ended all contact regardless. And although I will have to take that my wife doesn't believe me, and may accuse me of that and all I can do is stand there and take it, I can tell you to STFU about it.

 

And as far as the driving, I wasn't.

norathomas New Member

norathomas

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It's never too late to correct the mistakes!

 

Wishing you the best :rolleyes:

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id10t error Member

id10t error

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Very good point Abelincoln in your second to last post.

 

And yes, all drinking has ceased, for an indefinite, possibly permanent amount of time.

 

Thank you, norathomas.

GLDheart Established Member

GLDheart

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Abe's posts have become pretty decent lately. You should listen to him about boundaries. In fact, that is part of the "trust" thing that you blew out of the water. Your wife now has no "trust" in where you place your boundary. You can say "I would never cross that line", but she has no faith in you anymore.

 

You restore those boundaries one oppurtunity at a time. She needs to witness "the new you". Your word means $hit now. Actions speak louder than words. This is why it take YEARS. Your wife may need hundreds of tiny gestures to rebuild what you destroyed in an instant.

jmargel Established Member

jmargel

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Abe.. I am sure you and all the other posters on here that are blasing him are perfect, right?

 

Please quit the preaching and the attacks. It does no good. Whatever point you are trying to get across is not working. He is looking for help in regards to this not to be pounded on.

 

There are lots of good people out there that have made mistakes, can you not accept it just at face value for what is really was?

 

For the OP, keep an open line of communication with your wife. I'm sure she will get through this.

 

If the posters on here think this was so awful, then my story must have been worse when my wife's female friend wanted to go out w/ us. My wife didn't feel like going out and stayed home. Once we got to the bar, her friend wanted to see what the strip clubs were all about. So, we went. Saw a few dancers, went to get something to eat and dropped her off at her car.

 

Did I cheat? I guess to the majority of the posters here think I did because that was my whole intention even though it was completely innocent. Did I tell my wife? Yep. Was she angry? She was until I took her shopping.. lol

 

What you have to realize is that not all guys are looking for p*ssy when going out even if they do something stupid. This guy made a mistake and wants to get past it. Nothing wrong with that, he's not a bad person.

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id10t error Member

id10t error

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Jmargel, thank you for understanding.

 

Alice, call BS all you want, I have to understand that based on the "we see people like you all the time" I'm being generalized, the same way I would if I saw some kid with their pants hanging low and hat sideways. Sounds like you still need to work to get past some of YOUR alcohol issues.

 

I wasn't thinking about doing anything wrong prior to that night, and know that.

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BetrayedH Established Member

BetrayedH

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Abe.. I am sure you and all the other posters on here that are blasing him are perfect, right?

 

Please quit the preaching and the attacks. It does no good. Whatever point you are trying to get across is not working. He is looking for help in regards to this not to be pounded on.

 

There are lots of good people out there that have made mistakes, can you not accept it just at face value for what is really was?

 

For the OP, keep an open line of communication with your wife. I'm sure she will get through this.

 

If the posters on here think this was so awful, then my story must have been worse when my wife's female friend wanted to go out w/ us. My wife didn't feel like going out and stayed home. Once we got to the bar, her friend wanted to see what the strip clubs were all about. So, we went. Saw a few dancers, went to get something to eat and dropped her off at her car.

 

Did I cheat? I guess to the majority of the posters here think I did because that was my whole intention even though it was completely innocent. Did I tell my wife? Yep. Was she angry? She was until I took her shopping.. lol

 

What you have to realize is that not all guys are looking for p*ssy when going out even if they do something stupid. This guy made a mistake and wants to get past it. Nothing wrong with that, he's not a bad person.

 

What "we" feel about it isn't really relevant. What his wife thinks is what matters. The OP himself has said he's willing to do whatever it takes and wants suggestions. I have a feeling that telling him his wife will get over it is not going to help. He needs to prepare for thr worst and hope for the best. Since she has been betrayed before, I wouldn't remotely take this lightly if I were him as I doubt his wife is taking it lightly. If she gets over it, fantastic. If she isn't going to get over it so easily, then the suggestions like IC and abstaining from alcohol are a damn smart idea. I'd be getting proactive if I were him.

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nofool4u Established Member

nofool4u

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She says that I have cheated on her.

 

You did. You were laying the groundwork to hook up with her, she just turned you down. Just because she turned you down doesn't absolve you of cheating. You tried, just got shot down.

 

And even if you don't think you tried, you were at the very least emotionally unfaithful. You disrespected your wife big time.

 

 

I feel that I have really done a bad thing, but didn’t cheat.

 

Thats because the woman wasn't going to give you the opportunity to get physical.

 

 

Based on some of the things I read that she was looking at, I understand why she feels that way, and can do nothing but accept her feelings, even though I don’t agree that I cheated

 

Regardless of whether you think you cheated on her or not, you disrespected her and showed your wife that you can't be trusted when out with the guys.

 

 

as there was no physical contact, and no real emotional connection.

 

Nah, you just felt the need to facebook some strange woman and tell her you want to curl up next to her and wanted her to come see you at your buddy's place.:rolleyes:

 

 

She says that since I wanted the other woman, and crossed the line with the two messages, I was cheating.

 

I agree with her. Its called emotional infidelity.

 

 

I owned what I did, didn’t lie about anything

 

Of course you didn't lie about anything, you were caught red handed. You couldn't lie.

 

You didn't confess to her out of the blue. She caught you and there was no denying your messages to this woman.

 

 

I don’t know why I did what I did.

 

Yes, you do, you just don't want to admit it to her or us.

 

You were attracted to this woman, she showed you some attention, so you wanted to try to get in her pants. Don't say that wasn't your goal when telling her you want to snuggle up next to her and invited her to your friend's place.

 

 

I’ve never had anything happen like this before, so don’t know what to do to try to make it right. It’s eating me up that I have hurt her so badly, and that I was stupid enough to do what I did. Any help on how to deal with this would be much appreciated.

 

There may be nothing you can do except let time pass by and stay your ass at home. No more going out with the guys. You F'd that up.

 

She may forgive you and you two can move on, but still you F'd up going out with the guys. Because the first time you do, she will be sitting at home wondering who you are asking to meet up with later in the night.

 

Or she may never get past it and you'll never hear the end of it.

 

All you can do, like I said, is stay your ass at home and don't do anything that she wouldn't be comfortable with.

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nofool4u Established Member

nofool4u

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I wasn't thinking about doing anything wrong prior to that night, and know that.

 

Maybe not prior, but once you saw this attractive woman pay you attention, its all too obvious that you were thinking about doing something after that based on your sweet nothings messages to her.

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nofool4u Established Member

nofool4u

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Obviously the alcohol is a problem because I never would have behaved that way if sober.

 

Alcohol lowers the inhibitions. You know what that means? It means it allows you to more easily do what you'd like to do when sober, but that you just don't have the guts.

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SoleMate Established Member

SoleMate

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Just wanted to mention, all the people I know who have homebrewing as a major hobby are also quite heavy.

 

My idea for you, OP, is AA and completely cutting off the alcohol. This takes care of multiple issues at once:

 

* Drinking yourself into a stupor where you lose control of your mind and body and put your marriage at serious risk

* Self-esteem (AA is very good at helping people address this and related issues)

* All those calories which make you out of shape

 

Instead of homebrewing, do some active outdoor recreation with your wife, something you both will enjoy.

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