Two drunk, inappropriate messages to a stranger, wife finds, says I've cheated

[id10t error]

My experience:

 

39 years old, 2nd marriage for a year and a half, been with my wife now for 3 years total. Friday, 7 Sept, I went out of town 5 hours away to see my best friend, male. Out at a bar, and had been drinking heavily. A woman approaches me, which never happens, as I feel I am fat and unattractive, and probably put off that vibe. She asks if I am married, and I say yes, and then we talk some more. Apparently I ask her to be friends with me on Facebook. Nothing else happens at the bar, no physical contact, no phone number exchanged, nothing, but I was very flattered that the woman approached me, and told her that. The whole incident took about 15 minutes, as the bar closed and my buddy and I left, alone. On the way home, I send her two messages, one talking about wanting to curl up next to her, and the other telling her to come by my buddies place, where I am staying for the weekend, for a nightcap, or breakfast. She says no, because I am married.

 

I didn’t have her phone number, so I sent the messages over Facebook. I am set up to receive receipts of messages over email, and my email is set to open up whenever the internet is opened on my home computer. My wife wakes up the next morning and goes to use the computer, and finds the emails.

 

She calls, and wakes me up, and lets me have it. I'm very hung over, but once I figure out what is going on, I immediately come home to try to work things out, and don't try to cover anything up by lying.

 

She says that I have cheated on her. I feel that I have really done a bad thing, but didn’t cheat. Based on some of the things I read that she was looking at, I understand why she feels that way, and can do nothing but accept her feelings, even though I don’t agree that I cheated, as there was no physical contact, and no real emotional connection. She says that since I wanted the other woman, and crossed the line with the two messages, I was cheating. All I can say is I understand why she feels the way she does. I know regardless of what I think that at a minimum I have destroyed her trust in me and damaged the way she thinks about me. It doesn’t help that the woman was attractive, and my wife is very insecure since her first husband cheated on her multiple times.

 

I owned what I did, didn’t lie about anything, have admitted it was very wrong, deleted all messages, removed the woman from facebook, and asked my wife’s forgiveness and have told her I am willing to do anything she wants to fix this. She went through my computer before I came home and confirmed that I wasn’t hiding anything else.

 

I don’t know why I did what I did. I have what most would consider the perfect wife and life. I have esteem issues, and was drinking, but we all know that is just an excuse. At least several times a week prior to this I thought about the great life we both finally have, after each of us had failed marriages due to the other spouse cheating.

 

I have broken her trust, and am no longer the man she thought I was. I’m angry at myself, and told her that even had she not found out, I would have been angry and embarrassed the next morning and deleted everything anyway. She says I’m lying and the only reason I’m upset is that I was caught. Which I know in my heart to not be true.

 

I’ve never had anything happen like this before, so don’t know what to do to try to make it right. It’s eating me up that I have hurt her so badly, and that I was stupid enough to do what I did. Any help on how to deal with this would be much appreciated.

[2sure]

"...On the way home, I send her two messages, one talking about wanting to curl up next to her, and the other telling her to come by my buddies place, where I am staying for the weekend, for a nightcap, or breakfast. She says no, because I am married.

"

 

The only reason you didnt have sex with the OW is because she declined.

So stop implying that you havent cheated on a technicality.

 

I appreciate that you are asking your wife what she needs, what you can do...fact is she probably doesnt know herself right now what she wants.

 

But what you did cannot be made smaller, and it cant be taken back.

 

You might consider giving up alocohol altogether, maybe that will help her regain a sense of trust.

[freestyle]

Based on the content of the messages, the intention to cheat was there.

 

Are you saying you wouldn't have followed through, if she'd said yes?

 

Sadly--the results of you needing an ego boost will be that your W will have to go through hell, trying to trust you again. I hope that being aware of that fact will be enough to prevent you from ever crossing that line again.

 

Do you realize that anytime you're out of her sight for too long, part of her will be wondering what you're up to? As someone who's been in her shoes, I'll tell you, it's living hell.

 

If you want to regain your W's trust now, you need to volunteer absolute transparency---access to your emails, texts, phone records, everything.Without complaining about it. It's the least you can do.

 

And don't insult your W's intelligence by trying to minimize, or downplay what happened---the bottom line is , you solicited another woman sexually.

It doesn't matter if it was consumated or not---the intention was there.

 

If you trivialize your actions, to dodge accountability--there's a good possibility that you will alienate your W.

 

 

How would you feel, if you'd found the exact same messages from your W to another man? Think about it for a few moments. And imagine that the only reason you knew, was because you'd stumbled across them. Think about what would be running through YOUR mind.

[id10t error]

That's what the wife says, and although my argument is that my buddy would never have let it happen, I would have been too drunk to do it, etc, you are right, the inention must have been there, which makes me even more angry at myself.

 

We've already had the alcohol talk, and I've told her that if, in the future, she is willing to let me travel to see my friends, we will steer clear of all bars, and come up with things to do that don't involve drinking.

 

She has also said that she doesn't want a marriage where she can't trust me, and doesn't want to have to feel like she needs to check behind my back. I've told her that she is welcome to, as there was nothing to hide in the past, and there won't be in the future.

 

I've already given complete transparency, and done everything I know of to eliminate the fact that this woman existed in my life.

[TigerCub]

That's what the wife says, and although my argument is that my buddy would never have let it happen, I would have been too drunk to do it, etc, you are right, the inention must have been there, which makes me even more angry at myself.

 

That is the worst argument EVER:

- Your commitment to your wife and the value you put on your relationship should have been what would stop you from cheating.

 

Did you actually use that "argument" with your wife? You actually said that to her?

[id10t error]

I agree, and while I thought I was completely committed to my wife, the other night has proved otherwise.

 

I didn't try to use that as THE argument against things happening, but it was said in a different context. I'll probably never get into Mensa.

[jmargel]

Would you go through with this if you were sober? What if she did come over? Only you can answer that question, truthfully.

 

Was it more of a ego-stroking than anything else? I go out with my friends but there are boundaries I never cross. Always think ahead, even drunk about your decisions.

 

There is a difference between a short flirt with someone and an invitation to have some chick come over for sex after only talking to her for 15 minutes. You need to have some self-control! lol wow..

 

If you have this much with self-esteem issues then maybe counseling might help. I always tell my single friends to stay away from women who have insecurity issues, only because the moment those women feel they are not getting 110% satisifaction from them, they often go looking for another guy. Guess it works both ways.

[id10t error]

Absolutely NEVER if I were sober.

 

I tell myself that If she did come over, and there was nothing to stop us, I would have realized the error of my ways, gotten freaked out, and told her to leave. I tell myself that, but honestly don't have enough confidence to say it with 100% certainty. Even though I ought to be able to. Which makes me feel terrible.

 

I think it was an ego thing, because women never approach me, ever, and I just pushed it back too much. Waaaayyyyyyyyyyy too much. I normally don't have to worry about self control because that kind of thing never happens to me.

 

Or never used to. Now I just have to make sure it doesn't ever again in the future.

[Owl]

Here's the flaw in your thinking...in the questions you're posing...

 

Given everything you've stated...why SHOULD your wife trust or believe you?

 

You invited the woman to a hook up, and the only reason you didn't get it was because she refused. For whatever reason.

 

Had she said yes...

 

You can say all you like right now...but you know the truth.

 

Had she said yes...

 

I personally see no reason why your wife SHOULD trust you at this point...do you?

[id10t error]

No, you'll get no argument from me on that one. I don't know what I can do to start earning her trust and belief back, but am willing to do whatever it takes. Since it all, I've been/am being/will continue to be transparent, and willing to take whatever she throws at me. I've broken our bond, and just don't know what else I can do right now.

[jmargel]

First off as a married guy myself and goes to the bars with my friends, you have to realize that women like to flirt with guys for the 'fun of it'. There's another type of woman you will meet there that sees the ring on your finger and likes just the 'challenge' part of it.

 

There are decent women out there that you will meet at these places but you have to realize that someone you meet that makes you smile is not something you want to pursue, especially since you are married.

 

To regain her trust you need to let her go through the emotions. Don't push her, don't bring it up and don't try to rationalize it. She will go through good and bad days, just let her know that you will be there to listen when she's ready to talk.

 

I've been approched by women while I have been out and some have been pretty straight-forward. Yes, it's an ego-boost but that's where it ends. No sex would ever be good enough to give up a marriage for. The fantasy of picking up a woman and having a wild night with her is best left upto the imagination.

 

Remember everyone puts their best foot forwarded in those types of places.. You really don't know how psycho that woman can be if anything happened, besides dealing with a wife that you would have cheated on.

[Owl]

No, you'll get no argument from me on that one. I don't know what I can do to start earning her trust and belief back, but am willing to do whatever it takes. Since it all, I've been/am being/will continue to be transparent, and willing to take whatever she throws at me. I've broken our bond, and just don't know what else I can do right now.

 

Well...trust isn't earned in a day. And it takes much, much longer to regain once broken.

 

My only advice is to admit the truth, completely and totally...to include the "if she said yes" possibility.

 

Demonstrate to your wife that you "get it". That you have put your marriage in tremendous jeopardy.

 

Demonstrate to your wife that you're willing to change to become trustworthy again...and willing to stick around to SHOW her OVER TIME that you'll be worth her trust again.

 

You're on the right path with open book exposure of your passwords/phone/etc... She needs to know how to VERIFY that you're trustworthy. No more drinking out with buddies either...if you're out, you're out WITH her.

 

And hope and pray that she gives you that chance to re-earn and rebuild that trust.

 

She doesn't have to. She doesn't owe you this chance...she can call it over at any point and walk away.

 

Everyday she gives you the chance to rebuild that trust is a gift...treat it as any less at your peril. View it as anything else and you might as well not put the both of you through the pain of trying.

 

I wish you luck. I'd love to read here a year from now that you're a success story.

[id10t error]

Thank you very much for the current comments. I hope to be able to report back with positive results as well.

 

I especially appreciate and will take to heart:

"Everyday she gives you the chance to rebuild that trust is a gift...treat it as any less at your peril. View it as anything else and you might as well not put the both of you through the pain of trying."

[Lauriebell82]

I think you cheated. And you lied by omission by not tell her. She only found out because she saw your emails. All the rest of the things that you have said are justifications for your behavior, especially that you would never have done it had you not been drunk (bs) and that your buddy wouldn't have allowed it (again bs). Your wife is angry because you aren't owning up to what you did or taking responsibility.

 

More importantly than all that though, is WHY you cheated. It wasn't the alcohol, it wasn't because you thought the woman was hot, it wasn't because you don't love your wife. It's because you feel you are fat and unattractive. So if women continue to hit on you, will you do the same thing? Probably. I think counseling would be a good idea for you in order to work on your self esteem issues. I feel like that is your real problem.

[GLDheart]

For your wife to trust you, you need to be honest with her about one thing first:

 

Why is it that you WOULD cheat.

 

Figure that out, be open with her. Let out the good the bad and the ugly. If you are truthful she will stand by your side (maybe). If you lie, she will (rightfully so) treat you like the enemy.

[Spark1111]

Thank you very much for the current comments. I hope to be able to report back with positive results as well.

 

I especially appreciate and will take to heart:

"Everyday she gives you the chance to rebuild that trust is a gift...treat it as any less at your peril. View it as anything else and you might as well not put the both of you through the pain of trying."

 

As the spouse who loves you, do you think WE don't need an ego boost? Do you think we couldn't use someone flattering us?

 

We want it to be you, the overweight guy who no one flirted with, because we Love you just as you are! Flirt with us! Do you think we don't need it?

 

Here is where the resentment comes from: We love you, are attracted to you, want to be romanced by you, but some stranger comes along and your mind goes out the window and you can't wait for new?

 

Flirt with us! Facebook us! Romance us! We ARE attracted to you, enough to marry you. love you have sex with you....yet, like a dog in heat you throw us over for the validation of a stranger....pant, pant, pant.

 

How diminishing and demoralizing. This is the sort of thing that makes women divorce or have an affair. You need "new" more than real, real love, real attraction.

 

What a blow to a loving woman's ego. It makes one think, maybe I need new too. I am here, in love with the man, and he flirts with and sexts strangers while drunk. He gets more of a high on that, than me. Why not me?

 

Does he not love me? Is he a fool? That guy at the coffee shop keeps filrting with me, but I have been shutting him down because I love my man.....maybe i will start flirting back.

 

Wake up man! A woman has five chances a day to engage. She doesn't because she loves you!

 

Stop taking her love for granted. Love and respect her! Romance her! And figure out why the love of a good woman doesn;t matter to you as much as the winking flirting of a drunk stranger.

 

Get some counseling to figure out why you are vulnerable to this nonsense. You will wind up, I predict, in the phycho-sexual phase of adolescence. Not enough happened to and for you. But you are not a teenager anymore.

 

Please don't self-destruct now.

[NoMagicBullet]

This is so true:

 

As the spouse who loves you, do you think WE don't need an ego boost? Do you think we couldn't use someone flattering us?

 

We want it to be you, the overweight guy who no one flirted with, because we Love you just as you are! Flirt with us! Do you think we don't need it?

 

Here is where the resentment comes from: We love you, are attracted to you, want to be romanced by you, but some stranger comes along and your mind goes out the window and you can't wait for new?

 

Flirt with us! Facebook us! Romance us! We ARE attracted to you, enough to marry you. love you have sex with you....yet, like a dog in heat you throw us over for the validation of a stranger....pant, pant, pant.

 

How diminishing and demoralizing. This is the sort of thing that makes women divorce or have an affair. You need "new" more than real, real love, real attraction.

 

What a blow to a loving woman's ego. ....

 

Exactly. I know I would rather get attention from my man (if I had one, that is ) than any other man on Earth, and I would like to think that he'd feel the same way about the attention I'd be giving him. We chose each other, right? Sure, it feels good when other people find us attractive, but there's a big difference between accepting compliments/conversation than asking a stranger back to your place (or your buddy's or wherever). Big, big difference.

 

I don’t know why I did what I did. I have what most would consider the perfect wife and life. I have esteem issues, and was drinking, but we all know that is just an excuse. At least several times a week prior to this I thought about the great life we both finally have, after each of us had failed marriages due to the other spouse cheating.

 

This is why what you did was so bad and why your wife has reacted the way she has. She already had one man cheat on her. Later on, she married you, and since you experienced a cheating spouse as well, she reasoned that you know how horrible it is to be betrayed like that and you would never -- could never! -- do such a thing.

 

Then you did this.

 

Of course she doesn't trust you now. She probably wonders if she really even knows you at all. You knew her history, you knew what it was like to be cheated on. Yet you were taking steps to do exactly that (fortunately, things didn't work out for that). "How could he? How could he?" probably runs through your wife's head on a continuous loop now.

 

I don't know what's going to happen with your marriage now, but if you really want to make it work, I suggest counseling not just for you but for both of you as a couple. Given both your pasts with previous cheating spouses, this is going to be much more difficult to overcome than a first-time infidelty in a first-time marriage. Not that that's easy to deal with -- I'm just saying you have to work your way out of a much deeper hole because of that history.

[id10t error]

All very good points, and unfortunately for me, true. She's actually said much of the above.

 

I found the counselor I went to last go round when I was on the recieving end in my first marriage, and will be calling her today.

[jmargel]

As a guy you also have to see that when a woman flirts with a guy it's alot more uncommon than a man flirting with a woman. Women are used to being hit on and there's really nothing 'new' about it.

 

A guy on the other hand (which on top of it has low self-esteem issues) gets approached by a woman and flirted on. To him this is unfounded terroritory, something new, something fresh. He only sees what this woman is saying, he doesn't know (or care at the moment) about her bad habits, her baggage, her 'real' personality, etc.. all the bad things.

 

He feels good, the endorphins kick in because someone approached him. And you know what? There's nothing wrong with feeling good about having a woman come upto us and think that we are interesting, good looking, etc.. We are human. Women get this all the time from guys, so you can't fault him for feeling this way.

 

If a woman comes upto me while i'm out at a bar and talks, smiles and seems to have a general interest in me then to me that's great. Is it tempting to take it further? Sure, alot of the times it it.. However there are boundaries. Would I stop my wife from talking to another guy when she is out? Nope, never have. You can't keep your spouse in a cage as the one person said 'You don't go out unless you are with her'. Bull. I would never live my life that way. I'm not a child and my spouse is not my parent. If I can't be trusted, then find someone else.

 

So this guy made a mistake, he got caught up in the moment. Honestly from what I read from him on here it seems like he wasn't looking to cheat. If he really wanted to cheat he would have made it happen. My thinking on this, was that he was lonely, wanted some companionship at the time and the alcohol kicked in. Usually whatever you are feeling before you are drinking gets magnified by ten after you are drunk.

 

Does it excuse him from this? No. His wife has a right to be upset but I don't think being this hard on the guy is going to help anything. He has already admitted his mistake and seems to have learned from it. Let me tell you the worst out there in the bar scene are the married women.. They all seem to want to tell me their marriage issues and want comfort. Perhaps alot of affairs start that way, complaining about your spouse. However, women have a way to make you want to feel for them, what I always try to remember is there are three sides to every story.

 

What the OP hasn't talked about is his marriage with her. How things were going before this.

[GLDheart]

Id10t, admit it to yourself, YOU WANTED TO CHEAT. You didn't want to go the rest of your life having passed up that oppurtunity. You wanted that rush of what it's like to feel like "the man". You (hopefully) know how foolish and hollow that stupid crap is now.

 

If this is something close to the truth, TELL YOUR WIFE. She will understand. $hit, at this point you've already done the damage. You might as well expose your thoughts to her so that she can see you for a real human being again.

[id10t error]

Id10t, admit it to yourself, YOU WANTED TO CHEAT. You didn't want to go the rest of your life having passed up that oppurtunity. You wanted that rush of what it's like to feel like "the man". You (hopefully) know how foolish and hollow that stupid crap is now.

 

If this is something close to the truth, TELL YOUR WIFE. She will understand. $hit, at this point you've already done the damage. You might as well expose your thoughts to her so that she can see you for a real human being again.

 

I'm in agreement that I must have wanted to, otherwise I wouldn't have sent the messages, and have admitted that. I also know that I would NEVER do anything like that sober, and other than the low self esteem excuse, there has to be a larger underlying reason for what I did. I'm confused because that is not normally how I am, and I don't know what prompted me to act like that. I'm hoping that the counseling will be able to help me figure it out, and give me the tools to fix myself. I already know how to keep it from happening again, that part is easy.

 

I've realized that no matter what I think about what happened, she is devastated, and it wouldn't matter what I did, the fact is she is beyond hurt, and I caused it. I've just got to do whatever it takes to help the relationship heal.

[2sunny]

Absolutely NEVER if I were sober.

 

I tell myself that If she did come over, and there was nothing to stop us, I would have realized the error of my ways, gotten freaked out, and told her to leave. I tell myself that, but honestly don't have enough confidence to say it with 100% certainty. Even though I ought to be able to. Which makes me feel terrible.

 

I think it was an ego thing, because women never approach me, ever, and I just pushed it back too much. Waaaayyyyyyyyyyy too much. I normally don't have to worry about self control because that kind of thing never happens to me.

 

Or never used to. Now I just have to make sure it doesn't ever again in the future.

 

Have YOU offered to never drink alcohol again?

 

Your INTENT was to cheat - there's evidence of that. She can't trust you... You DO things while drinking you don't usually do... Have you promised to quit drinking?

[id10t error]

Yes, I have.

 

And during one of the periods where she was being civil to me and we were having a decent conversation, she said that I shouldn't completely quit, as homebrewing is one of my main hobbies, but that I shouldn't drink to excess any more. I agreed, but told her I would stop completely if that would help quell any fears she has.

[2sunny]

Yes, I have.

 

And during one of the periods where she was being civil to me and we were having a decent conversation, she said that I shouldn't completely quit, as homebrewing is one of my main hobbies, but that I shouldn't drink to excess any more. I agreed, but told her I would stop completely if that would help quell any fears she has.

 

Then stop drinking!

 

IF you must home brew - then never drink it!

 

Or find a NEW healthier hobby!

 

IF you will DO anything to fix this mess you caused - then you will quit BOTH - if needed.

 

Who cares IF she said no don't quit - YOU are the one making decisions for you - that are designed to rebuild trust! Don't drink! Don't home brew - IF that's what it takes!

 

I make jewelry as my creative outlet - I really don't wear it. I make it but don't wear it - same idea! I still love the hobby but I'm not a gal that needs to bedazzle herself up.

 

And I quit drinking when it affected my life negatively. This is a much better way to live.

 

And next time - ask your friends to come visit you - and do not suggest going to the bar! Go fishing, golfing or go to the beach - AND include/invite YOUR wife!

 

You're not trying to stay married to the friends - you're trying to stay married to your wife.

 

And get counseling - you need to address your self esteem deficiencies.

[id10t error]

Currently in the process of scheduling individual and couples counseling.