Is this over for good?

[TopCat22]

Hi, first time poster, would really appreciate some outside opinions on this.

 

I recently broke up with my gf of 18 months but am confused as to why. Here's my story (sorry if it's long).

 

I'm 34, she's 26. When we first met in Feb 2011, she was in a bad place. She was still sleeping with her ex. He'd call and she'd go running (he just wanted sex, she thought it was a chance to reconcile). For the first two months we were dating she was still running off to see him but I persevered as I felt there was something more to her. Eventually she realised what a jerk he was and that she had something better waiting for her.

 

We started seeing each other properly and a great relationship bloomed. She moved out of London and back to her parents in Suffolk very early on as she was trying to train as an athlete and so couldn't hold a full time job as well. This was fine as I work for myself and was quite flexible, so sometime I would take friday and mondays off and spend a long weekend with her, sometimes she would come down to mine during the week and we'd spend time together.

 

A few months in and we'd fallen deeply in love. I then had to move away from London to my mother's house as I couldn't afford to stay (I had a lot of debts). This didn't hurt us as we'd still see each other every weekend. We did a lot of things together, I spent Christmas with her family and I took her to Paris for her birthday (a very romantic weekend!). Her family loved me and things were great. In the new year we starting discussing future plans and we both agreed that we'd found the person we wanted to be with for the rest of our lives. We talked about living together and she said she would look for a job back in London. She found one that started in March and I think was a little shocked at how quickly she was going to be back in London (she had thought she'd be away for well over a year). Despite what she said I knew the only reason she was moving back was to be with me and I knew she wasn't totally ready to leave her parents and the country way of life.

 

She moved back and started staying at a friends flat while we searched for a place to live. A deal I was counting on fell apart at work and I had to tell her that I could now longer afford to live with her. She was upset but said she understood. My office is in London, so I'd come and stay with her 3-4 nights a week so it was easier for me to get to work. I noticed things weren't quite as they had been, but I put that down to the fact that she was adjsuting to a new job, training almost every evening and balancing me, her old friends (who she never saw in Suffolk due to distance) and her new work friends. We'd always been a very sexual couple and I noticed that we weren't having sex as often and it was a lot less exciting. I thought this was natural though the RS was beyond the honeymoon phase.

 

She started to become very difficult to be with as she stressed more about her living situation. She hated the flat she was in as she was renting from a girl who kept her stuff in the room and kept coming back and going through things without asking. Another friend of her's was buying a house nearby and she'd agreed to move there. The sale kept getting put back and when it finally happened a lot of building work needed doing. It stressed her greatly and she moaned constantly. I wasn't aware of it at the time but I think I pulled away a bit and would go home just to have a day or two's peace.

 

I also started to become quite depressed around this time. I was working on a big deal at work that would have seen a lot of money come in if I sold a stake in the company. Having worked for 5 years and had no money and little reward it was a major thing for me. I suddenly felt that my entire professional and personal life were hinged on this deal and the longer it delayed the more anxious I became (I know how often these things fall apart). I felt totally powerless and I think it seeped out into my whole life. given that my gf was such a stress ball as well, I started becoming very distant and less fun to be around and I'd often snap at her (not full on arguements, but I know I can be quite passive-agressive and give her the silent treatment). I was also very tired from driving up to hers from my mum's all the time and I started putting on weight and getting out of shape as I never had time to exercise. We found that both of us were always really tired and although we'd go out occassionally we mostly just stayed in and watched films or TV.

 

Then the real strain started to show. We went on a weekend trip to Wales in July. We were both feeling stressed and agreed we needed some quality time together and that we'd have a stress free weekend. It didn't really work. I was so tired from having to drive there so wasn't happy. The first night there, her phone went off at 2am in the morning. It was her ex. I pretended I didn't hear it and she ignored it. The next day was OK, but we didn't have as much to talk about as we usually did and it felt a little forced. That evening she got all dressed up in a sexy outfit and we started to have sex, but i was so tired and still thinking about her ex calling that I couldn't finish and I think she felt bad (that she wasn't sexy or attractive). The next morning, the service at breakfast was appalling and she got really upset. I snapped at her to quit complaining and that we just wouldn't pay, although I really just didn't care. I was just so depressed and was just letting stuff wash over me. I went to checkout and handed over my credit card without even checking the bill and she went off at the manager about how bad breakfast was and how we were'nt going to pay. They scrubbed it off the bill but I knew she was upset with me for not standing up for myself.

 

We got back to hers and I drove home the next morning. I noticed she wasn't communicating as much as she usually did and then I got an email from her asking if she could have the weekend to herself so she could sort out the new house. I agreed thinking she jsut needed to settle a bit.

 

So I didn't see her for a week and a half and we agreed to go out to a show the following week and try and have fun. However the contact was becoming less and I was starting to worry. I felt it had to do with her ex. We went out to the show, had dinner and she asked if I was alright (I'm not good at pretending something isn't wrong). We went to a bar and I asked her about the ex. She burst into tears and said that yes she'd met up with him. He'd pleaded to have her back but she said she felt numb and didn't care. I asked why she did it and she said that because things had been strained with us she'd felt flighty and him calling had kicked up some feelings and she needed to see how she felt about him. She said it felt good that he now wanted her so badly and she didn't want him as the power had shifted. She said she aboslutely did not want him back and I had nothing to worry about. She apologised for not telling me and we went back to hers. The next morning we talked some more and she told me how hurt she'd been when I didn't move in with her and that it seemed like I didn't want to live with her. She said that for her it was a big deal and I didn't realise that because I didn't have to do it. I got a bit emotional when I realised how much I'd hurt her and then strangely she asked about my Dad (who died 3 years ago). I didn't have a good relationship with him and have never talked to anyone about him. She asked me to talk and I did and ended up crying in her arms.

 

During the next week I spend most of my time at home and the contact was still bad. We had to go on a business trip to Paris the next week and my partner was brining his wife, so I asked my gf if she wanted to go and she readily accepted as we have great memories from going on her birthday. I wasn't totally sure given how things were between us but I thought maybe getting away would be a good thing.

 

We had sex for the first time in a month in Paris and she said she'd been quite apprehensive. I asked her why as I felt there was more to it and she told me that she'd started losing attraction for me. She was confused as she loved me but had started noticing other guys. She started crying as she felt she was shallow but said I'd got out of shape and had rebuffed her (very subtle) attempts to help me. She'd asked me to come training with her but I never liked doing that as she is training to go pro and I never wanted to interfere or hold her back. I said I actually understood as she was a sports person and that I wanted to get back in shape. I asked her if there was anyone else (I know she had become quite close with this guy from work who had just broken up with his fiance) and she assured me there wasn't, it was just a general feeling. I didn't sleep at all that night processing this info and the next morning was quite emotional. I told her I just wanted it back the way it had been. She said she was upset as she felt we'd had a good chat the night before and she was feeling better about things.

 

We got the train home and I noticed her texting a lot. She said it was her mum, but paranoia had started to creep into my head. Things weren't adding up. We got home and she sorted out some food while I took the bags up to her room. I realised I had her handbag and that her phone was in it. In a moment of weakness I looked at it. I found a message from the co-worker guy asking when they were going out on their next late-night car ride!! I also noticed she'd deleted all the other messages from him and that her phone log showed lots of calls to him at mid-night a lot of nights. There was also a flirty message with a guy she runs with. I was angry and confronted her. She responded by saying wasn't she allowed to have guy friends. I felt so bad about looking on her phone that I didn't even pursue it, I just fell apart thinking about how low I had fallen. She comforted me and forgave me saying she'd done that to a boyfriend before. We went for coffee and a long walk and jsut chatted and calmed down. We had dinner and everything seemed better. I asked if I should go and she told me to stay.

 

The next morning I dropped her at work and then got a big bunch of flowers sent to her office with a very heart-felt note telling her I would not let he down again. She said it was lovely but that she felt quite empty and just hoped we could get back to where we'd been (happy). I later found out that she'd gone out with her work mates that evening and got totally drunk (she's not a big drinker) and not got home until 5am in the morning. She said it felt good to go crazy and blow off steam and given how things had been with us I thought it was a good thing.

 

The next few days there was very little contact between us and I decided that I'd need to make some changes to me. Not for her, but I jsut didn't like the meek, depressed doormat I felt I'd become. I rang her and told her that I was taking a week to myself and that I wouldn't be contacting her, as I needed to put things back in my life that I had neglected. I told her off about driving around this guy from work as it was disrespectful to me and the RS. She said sorry and I said I'd call her in a week and we'd go out on a nice fun date.

 

I spent a good week in the gym, seeing freinds etc. and started to feel better. I called her up a week later and she didn't pick up. Two hours later I got a rather formal email from her saying that she wasn't ready to talk and a load of excuses about work being really busy, could she have another week and a half. I was angry as I felt she was pushing me to break up with her. I agreed at first, but then the next day I decided enough was enough. I called her up and as she didn't answer I left her a voicemail telling her I couldn't do it anymore and it was over. I'd wanted to do it face-to-face but she'd given me little choice. She didn't respond. The next day I sent her a long email as I wasn't happy ending things over a 30 second voicemail. I explained that neither of us were happy and that what we had was no longer a relationship. I told her why I thought things had broken down (Her resentment of me not moving in with her) and also told her that although I'd supported her throughout the RS (I was always the strong one, there for her), the time I actually needed her to support me, she'd run away instead. I wished her well and hoped that we might find each other again in the future.

 

She texted me that evening simply to say sorry she hadn't responded but she was taking time to let it sink in and figure out when she got so lost. She told me I was wonderful and she never meant to hurt me and thanked me for being so understanding and patient with her. I was confused. It didn't really seem like an ackowldgement or a denial.

 

A week went by and I heard nothing from her, so I eventually messaged her and aske if we could talk. She said she was out with friends but she would call me that night. She didn't. She texted the next day to say sorry she just hadn't felt ready, could we talk that evening instead. She didn;t call again. The next day I got a text saying she had Friday off work so could we talk then. I agreed.

 

We finally spoke and it was weird. We both put on the front of being happy and talked like friends about what we'd each been up to. After 15 mins I decided to cut it short and said goodbye. I messaged her on Whatsapp afterwards as I wasn't happy with not talking about what had happened. I told her I was glad she was OK and she said the same. She apologised for not answering my email again. I asked her if there was anything to add and she said no. I asked her if she thought there was any chance for us then and she said, not at the moment. I wished her well and said that we probably shouldn't speak for a while so we can get over each other. She agreed and said she wished we'd been better at communicating. She told me how wondeful I was and that I deserved happiness and that she hoped in the future we could be friends as I was very special to her. I just left it at goodbye.

 

That was just over a week ago and we've been no contact since. I'm utterly confused. I know it is over (at least for now) but I can't quite figure how this has all fallen apart. All the reasons seem to be things we could have worked on. I can't decide if:

 

1) She cheated on me (with the co-worker)

2) I became too weak

3) I became too available

4) She is too young and emotionally immature

5) She was just not ready for this type of relationship and needs to cut loose for a while.

 

I've not really had any decent feedback from her and it's making it difficult to get closure and move on. I'm still clinging to the hope that she will come back to me once she starts missing me, and I know it's not healthy but I don't know what else to think. I know attraction can decrease but I just don't believe that love just dies like that.

 

Anyone got any insight or opinion, I could sure do with it!

[TopCat22]

Anyone at all?

[Calico]

Only she knows what happened and how she "got lost".

 

I'm not sure if the reason matters, though, and I'm relatively certain that knowing the exact reason would not give you the closure that you hope it would. It would give your mind something to chew on, granted, and you'd have someone (either yourself, her or another person) to "blame" for the situation, but it doesn't really affect the detachment and healing process overly much. And you'd always wonder if that really was the reason, too.

 

From my own experience, I can tell you that knowing that she cheated and that it was supposedly all my fault did not help me to move on. It helped me to beat myself up some more. And hearing from a friend that she is emotionally immature did not help me to move on. It helped me to feel bad for her and wishing I could be around and help her. (Which then led to some more self-blame.) True closure can only be found within -- in accepting that what matters is that it's over, not why it's over.

[TopCat22]

Thanks Calico. You're right that it doesn't really matter, it won't help knowing. I guess it's me trying to rationalise things. I think we're all programmed to ask why something went wrong. I'm not sure why it matters so much to me, perhaps it's because I need to know if it was me or her at fault. Likely it was both of us... It's hard to know how to let go.

[Calico]

*nods* It's unlikely that it was just one person's fault. There are two people in a relationship and if it fails, it's likely that both sides are responsible for the outcome. (Extreme cases like abuse and such excluded.) If she did cheat, the actual cheating isn't what caused it, since it's "just" a symptom, but trust me, it's not something you want to know for sure. It causes all sorts of emotional side-effects that you don't want to have to deal with.

 

Based on what you wrote, it really just sounds like the two of you weren't compatible. Different expectations of (and needs in) the relationship. You may not have been at the same point in your lives, as you indicated. That's regrettable, but not any one person's fault. Remembering that doesn't make it easier and you'll spend considerable amounts of time on analyzing the situation, but it's still good to keep in mind. That's normal. At some point you'll start to get tired of it, and that's when the healing starts. Not a smooth process, mind you, and I'm far from being through it myself.

[TopCat22]

I think knowing if she cheated would make it easier to be angry and to hate her, but as you say I'm not sure that would make it easier to move on. She was certainly disrespecting me by being with this co-worker guy and I'm confused as to why I keep trying to make excuses for her. She used to go out for late night drives with her brother so I tell myself that in her head it wasn't wrong, but then why conceal it from me if she thought it was innocent. Given what she's done I don't know why I want her back. My head is telling me to move on, she wasn't right, but my heart tells me it was great and we could be again. I feel so in limbo here...

[TopCat22]

OK, I think I just did the smart thing. I've been putting it off as I didn't feel strong enough, but I've gathered up all of her things and stashed them in a box. Everything, clothes, toothbrush, cards, anything that reminds me of her. I've also deleted her contact details off my phone and deleted Whatsapp (we used this a lot!) and got rid of all my photos of her too (although saved them on a memory stick). It's strange and I feel really weak and anxious but I'm hoping this will help be accept that it is over. It's a small step but hopefully a good one. Feel a lot like crying now, but I won't give in!

[TopCat22]

Day 12 of NC and it's killing me. I miss talking to her so much. I know she has a friends wedding this weekend and I was supposed to go with her. I wonder if she will think of me while she's there?

[Emilia]

Hi, first time poster, would really appreciate some outside opinions on this.

 

I recently broke up with my gf of 18 months but am confused as to why. Here's my story (sorry if it's long).

 

I'm 34, she's 26. When we first met in Feb 2011, she was in a bad place. She was still sleeping with her ex. He'd call and she'd go running (he just wanted sex, she thought it was a chance to reconcile). For the first two months we were dating she was still running off to see him but I persevered as I felt there was something more to her. Eventually she realised what a jerk he was and that she had something better waiting for her.

 

When I read the bolded part I knew your post would be about her cheating on you again eventually and as I read through it I can't say anything surprised me.

 

So you started dating a woman who cheated on you from the start, you tolerated it and she did it again. She is a weak person who runs off with someone else when it gets tough, she isn't able to deal with challenges by herself.

 

You want this tramp why exactly??

 

You can try to rationalise it as much as you like but you behaved like a pushover and you got treated like one.

[TopCat22]

Thanks Emilia. You are probably right and I know that. Although I will say she was very up front with me when we met and she later told me that although I had thought we were dating, she regarded me as a friend and thought we were "just hanging out".

 

You are right though, her history and pattern of behaviour point to the fact that she runs when things get tough. It is a habit of her's, she buries her head in the sand rather than dealing with things.

 

Logically I shouldn't want her but I fell in love with her and it's tough letting go. Your message has helped though...

[Emilia]

I know it wasn't very nice and I'm sorry but I'm a firm believer in tough love. You have to see the situation for what it is and you mustn't allow others to take advantage of you.

 

I don't know your ex but in your original post there seems to be a lot that sounds like an excuse for bad behaviour. That thing about how you made her feel bad because she couldn't move in with you, how you put weight on, etc etc everything was your fault...

 

She is not a good quality woman. You miss her but you must see that you have to pick a better one next time.

 

- Don't pick one who keeps going back to her ex and isn't able to draw her boundaries

- don't pick a flighty one who moves back to her county for something random only to change her mind shortly later (though I know you this happened while you were together already)

 

She is immature but she is 26, definitely old enough to know how to treat another human being. Her treatment of you towards the end was just appalling. She is self centred and selfish. Pretty sure you can do better.

[TopCat22]

Everything you say makes sense. My head knows it, I just need my heart to catch up now! I think it says more about me at the moment that I'm prepared to make excuses for her and rationalise her behaviour. I do know I've made mistakes here too, but you are right, she had no excuse to be running around with other guys behind my back. It's hard to believe that someone with so many good qualities can have a few really bad ones too. Will certainly be more careful in the future and see the warning signs.

[Emilia]

It's hard to believe that someone with so many good qualities can have a few really bad ones too. Will certainly be more careful in the future and see the warning signs.

 

I think she has the habit of checking out of a relationship gradually and finding someone else before leaving for good. She did this with her ex while she was getting to know you and probably did the same thing with you too.

 

Both men and women do this, it's tough unfortunately.

 

Good luck, you are very sensible.

[TopCat22]

I'm curious to know, does anyone think this fits into the category of G.I.G.S.? Jumping out of something as it's tough and moving straight into something else.

 

Also, if she is seeing this co-worker guy would you class this as a rebound if the feelings developed while we were still together?

[LoveHurts88]

U know what my ex was the same. When s*it got tough she would just not want to deal with it. Like arguments etc or when im mad she doesnt give a fck she would just run from it. Wth is that. I would always stand by her no matter the situation but her, she would run.

 

Why do i miss her so much? 2 yrs good and bad times but memories last forever

[TopCat22]

I think some people are just not strong enough to deal with real life. They want to live in a fantasy world where it's all rainbows all the time. They find things too difficult and it's easier to ignore things than to face up to them. What they don't realise is that the problems don't go away.

 

My ex seems to be a classic case. When things were good she was so happy. As soon as problems arose she swept them under the carpet. She didn't discuss things with me and they built up as resentments. Over time those resentments killed her attraction for me and we were done.

 

I feel your frustration. It's hard to tell yourself the person you loved so much was so flawed and there's nothing you can do about it...

[Crila16]

You two have had a rocky 7 - 8 months. She's been going through a lot of changes, and she's only 26.

 

Well...i can candy coat it or just sum it up for you. She loves you, but doesn't know if she's in love with you anymore. This confuses her, because she loved you so deeply not too long ago...and the feelings have faded, for whatever her reasons are. She's obviously not ready to commit to forever yet...and who could blame her. I wasn't ready at 26 either. Some are, but she doesn't seem to be. She's in London and meeting new guys. She's finding men are attracted to her and it's normal and healthy for her to want to explore these options. BTW...no...her ex is not a factor anymore. When a girl is done, a girl is done.

 

My suggestion...stay away and leave her be for now. Let her date, let her figure out who she is and what she wants. If you contact her and constantly want to talk and ask her how she's feeling...you're going to make her feel guilty and she'll start resenting and hating you. You'll become whiny in her eyes. Now is the time for NC. Allow her to miss you and to compare you to these other men. Let her see if this loss of feeling for you is only because of the stress and not because she's not in love with you anymore. Let her have a breather from you...and you need one from her. Don't hold on tight...or trust me...she'll end up hating you. Let her go. She'll come back if she wants to be with you.

[TopCat22]

Crila that is a great way of looking at it. It is exactly what I've been planning to do. Deep down I know that I am better than anyone she has been with (or will be with) and I know that it is that confidence that brought her to me in the first place. I told her we would be together early on and she kept asking me how I was so sure. I just knew.

 

She does seem slightly at odds with herself. She loves the countryside and the way of living and I do too and it seemed that that was what she wanted. However being back in London, she has a lot more going on with friends and work and I think maybe she is too young to give all of that up yet.

 

Just a few weeks before the breakup I was telling her about a "lads" holiday I had in Tenerife when I was 25. It was a typical booze'n'sex type affair and she was fascinated because she'd never done a holiday like that. I think the bright lights of the city and excitement of being young still dazzle her and I'm older and more set in my ways. She's an attractive girl (very Megan Fox) and has a lovely flirty nature so of course she has lots of men chasing her. She didn't get that back at her parents and perhaps she's missed that.

 

I plan to do as you say and leave her be. I'm slowly starting to feel like my old self again and if we can meet up again down the line we'll see what happens.

[Dblock10]

hey man, read the whole post and wow you have been on a crazy journey. its amazing how much **** we put up with until it hits the fan huh?

 

anyway, from what iv'e read mate you have been very soft. you put up with total bs, messages on her phone from other men in flirty ways, and mid night drives with co workers.. er sorry? thats basically dating..

 

and when you ended it, did it really sound like she was bothered.. no not from where i'm standing.

 

she is young and seems her values are not in line with yours.

 

from what iv'e read she basically wants to get it on with various other men. i know that sounds harsh but sometimes the truth is harsh. You can do better than how she is with you, maybe she isn't the right girl.

 

dunno, if i were you id be pretty angry at her tbh.

[TopCat22]

Yeah I was soft. I think in somes ways I felt a litle guilty for not moving in with her and perhaps I let her get her way too much after that. She pushed the boundaries further and further and I let her. I feel ashamed now that I didn't confront her more about those messages. The good news is that if that happened now I certainly would and that tells me I'm much closer to being myself again (the old me would never have taken that BS).

 

I've been through the angry stage and I have to say that the negative energy didn't really help me. I feel much more philosopical about it now. She was too young and didn't know what she wanted. I know the good in our relationship far outweighed the bad and she will see that one day. I don't know if I can get her respecet back but I'm sticking with NC and will see where it leads. Day 13 today and it's the first morning I've woken up and not wanted to call her! That's progress. The posts on here have really helped.

[TopCat22]

She clearly lost a lot of respect for me to do this. Does anyone believe that's the sort of thing you can get back?

[TopCat22]

2 weeks of NC today! Feeling a bit stronger but scared as I don't have much planned for the weekend. How do you guys get through this? I dreamt about her last night and soooo want to call her...