Tethys Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 Not sure I want to stay in my marriage but wife and I are making an attempt having a child. We're both in our late 30s and haven't really tried yet--she's always been on birth control until now. There's a part of me that would love to have a kid because it would be exciting to teach someone about life and to watch them grow up, and generally I like kids (I almost became a teacher). I'm also afraid of missing out on something that it seems like about 90% of the ppl I know experience and say is amazing and life-altering. On the other hand, there are times when I really don't like spending time with my wife and this despite having limited time together because of her unusual work schedule. I like the idea of having a child and am afraid of getting too old to have one given the risks that continue to go up as the father ages. (Recent research points to a strong link between a father's age and autism and schizophrenia). But on the other hand I'm afraid of having a child in a marriage I'm lukewarm at best on, and then adding a ton of stress, obligation, work and sacrifice. I'm worried this would make me miserable and I would either stick around and spend the next 18 years miserable, or would do what my father did and leave after a few years. And my wife is pretty sure she would never have had kids if it hadn't been for me, so if I left she would be "stuck" with this kid she'd have to care for, probably making her incredibly resentful towards me and/or the kid. So for the many people on this site that have had children and have had good and bad marriages, what would you recommend in terms of having a kid? Risk never having kids in order to avoid a likely bad situation? Or risk having one and hoping for the best?
darkmoon Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 if you don't like your wife, don't have her baby 3
turnera Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 Hell no! She has an unusual work schedule? Guess what happens to the kid? And don't even get me started on your lack of a good marriage. Don't do that to a kid.
denise_xo Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 Not sure I want to stay in my marriage but wife and I are making an attempt having a child. :confused: That really doesn't add up. Do not try for a child. And my wife is pretty sure she would never have had kids if it hadn't been for me, so if I left she would be "stuck" with this kid she'd have to care for, probably making her incredibly resentful towards me and/or the kid. If you don't even consider the kid your responsibility, then for Fs sake DO NOT GET ONE. I can't believe you are even considering a child with that attitude marked in bold. Horrendous 2
yessy21 Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 Dont do it. why dont you wait to see if you meet someone you actually want to be with? i suggest you start figuring out what you really want.
turnera Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 And get some therapy to figure out what kind of person you should be.
Balzac Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 If you're worried about sperm quality, harvest some now and store it but file for divorce FIRST!
pink_sugar Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 No matter what your age circumstances, you need to have a healthy marriage first! If you're already having complications with the marriage, a baby can make or break your relationship even further. If she's having kids just for you, that's an even worse idea. Men don't have to worry about complications as much as women do as they age. I've seen men who are even 50 have kids safely. If you're that worried, store sperm at a sperm bank like some others have suggested. Big no-no
Sugarkane Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Hell no! She has an unusual work schedule? Guess what happens to the kid? And don't even get me started on your lack of a good marriage. Don't do that to a kid. Unusual work schedule? My dad is a firefighter and therefore a shift worker. Didn't stop him and majority of his co workers having kids. People who are police officers, flight attendants work odd hours yet I still see them with children.
turnera Posted September 11, 2012 Posted September 11, 2012 Unusual work schedule? My dad is a firefighter and therefore a shift worker. Didn't stop him and majority of his co workers having kids. People who are police officers, flight attendants work odd hours yet I still see them with children. Sugarkane, I was talking about this specific marriage. In a good marriage, sure, the partners work together to make things work. In this one? The kid will become a pawn in their increasingly nasty battles over who's more important, and at least one of them will use the schedule as a weapon.
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