RelationshipHell Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 first off, i did not ask for advice on anything other than ways that i could HELP him move forward... all the other "advice" was just a bunch of nonsense that someone decided to post for whatever reason. really at this point, i dont care what anyone else has to say... whatever happens, happens... no need to get all upset over something that may or may not happen. he's going to do what he wants to do regardless of anyone else's opinion... and in the end, nobody else's opinion about me matters except for his. Fine. Everyone who has studied infidelity says that it takes several YEARS for the spouse to get over that. And we're talking stable, loving spouses, not this anger crazed sleep choker that you're describing. So...for the sake of your son, are you WILLING to put another two years of counseling into it? Or by 'help him move forward' you mean 'because Thanksgiving will be a real downer otherwise and I'm getting so fed up with being blamed for...doing what I actually did.' There is your timeline. 2
Betrayed&Stayed Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 (edited) first off, i did not ask for advice on anything other than ways that i could HELP him move forward... There is good advice in this thread and forum. It's out there: honesty, transparency, full disclosure, be accountable, counseling, NC, etc. Let me make this clear to you, as a WS: You can not by your own agency make him move forward, assuage the pain, or unring the bell. As painful for you as it is to witness his pain, you have to let it run its course. A qualified counselor can help him move forward. A qualified religious leader can help him move forward. Your circle of influence is very small in his emotional recovery. In fact, I might even say that it is counterproductive. Your husband will move forward when he is ready to move forward. He's 10 months into the process. He's not even over the hump yet. Reconciliation is a long process. For me there were several false plateaus the first 18 months. A lot of one step forward, three steps back. Edited September 12, 2012 by Betrayed&Stayed 2
Owl Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 first off, i did not ask for advice on anything other than ways that i could HELP him move forward... all the other "advice" was just a bunch of nonsense that someone decided to post for whatever reason. really at this point, i dont care what anyone else has to say... whatever happens, happens... no need to get all upset over something that may or may not happen. he's going to do what he wants to do regardless of anyone else's opinion... and in the end, nobody else's opinion about me matters except for his. My advice was directly aimed at that, based off of my own personal experience in recovering our marriage after my wife's infidelity. And yet, you've not even commented or acknowledged the idea of getting professional assistance...when as a military dependent, it's free and available. Why not, when this is the best course of action you could take?
RelationshipHell Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 My advice was directly aimed at that, based off of my own personal experience in recovering our marriage after my wife's infidelity. And yet, you've not even commented or acknowledged the idea of getting professional assistance...when as a military dependent, it's free and available. Why not, when this is the best course of action you could take? Okay, here is some advice which sofedup can actually use. I won't say it's comfortable, but YOU can do it. Be as accountable as a 14 year old teen girl. Give your hubby a call or a text every single time you leave your house. "Hi honey. Going to the BX to get some formula" "Hey sugar, going to Sheila's to chat." Then you call your house from Sheila's landline and leave a message. (not sure if caller id is available wherever you are so that might not work) Yes, this seems humiliating but you've broken trust for 3 years. Now by being as clear as the dawn, you can start to rebuild that. I say text because he probably can't take calls all the time at work. And never volunteer to leave his side at a social occassion. You don't get to dance with another man. You should be very cautious even laughing at their jokes. And if any of them so much as flirt with you, you do not get to say 'I'm a big girl. I can handle this.' You neeed to tell your husband immediately. And offer your phone to him often. He DOES have your email password, doesn't he? 1
nofool4u Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 here is a perfect example of the past week and a half or so: TODAY! All day today I cleaned the house up (with a toddler running around). I did 2 loads of laundry, washed dishes, swept, mopped, folded laundry and put it away, etc. I had dinner already done when he walked in the door. He went outside to mow the yard, I cleaned up the backyard of baby toys so that he did not have to. He put everything away and the first thing he does when he walks in the house... get on the computer. When we (the baby and me) come in the room, he flips out saying how we are "so f***ing annoying." I told him that dinner was done and everything. He tells me to go feed Benjamin - more like a command than a simple statement.. I said "well are you going to come in here with us?" and he just says "GO FEED BENJAMIN" - command, yet again. Well, he finally decides to come in there and i made him a plate and he ate... then right back to the computer. I came in the room again and he flips out! This is a daily thing for him now... come home from work, straight to the computer until bed. The first time that we came in the room while he was on the computer I had mentioned something about being really productive today and told him what all I had done... he goes "all you did was laundry, dishes, and mopped... big deal." I said - that is the attitude that I am always talking about. You always have that attitude when you come home. I try to be nice and he still finds something to get an attitude or complain about! Of course he finds something to complain about, although he doesn't really need a reason. His wife cheated on him!!! You basically, by cheating, emotionally abused him. When someone is betrayed in one of the worst ways, they aren't themselves. Believe me, I know. Being cheated on can take the most sane and reasonable person and make them crazy and unreasonable. And that isn't his fault, its YOURS! You think he should find out his wife f***s another man, and just get over it?? You should expect him to lash out, at least for a good long while until this isn't so raw for him anymore. You don't get to cheat on him and think you get to be appalled when he is angry. You either understand the consequences of what you did to him and be patient, or you do him a favor and set him free from you. Oh, and I understand about being on the computer. Not sure what he is doing, but once I found out my wife was a tramp, playing games was the only thing that took my mind off it somewhat and calmed my nerves. 1
nofool4u Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 Best thing to help him to move along is to give him his space. Boom, this is all she can do. That and put herself on house arrest so he doesn't wonder where she is and who she is doing.
nofool4u Posted September 12, 2012 Posted September 12, 2012 Your name, sofedupwiththis, is a pretty clear indication that you dont really give a **** about what you put your husband through.. I was kind of thinking the same thing. Kind of like when a woman comes in to a forum talking about cheating on a man or sleeping with someone elses husband, and has "princess" somewhere in their username. 1
g450 Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 i love how everyone just assumes that the house is my husbands... he hadnt EVER lived in that house... so please tell me how it is HIS house.. . Because his paycheck pays for the damn thing. I felt like throwing up while reading your OP. Honestly, women like you make me sick to my stomach. He deserves better. Give him his divorce and you can continue being the **** that you have proven you are. And stay single. You are toxic to any marriage.
RelationshipHell Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 i do agree with this 100%. he had that mindset for a while. but after talking to our marriage counselor, the guy kept asking my husband what he wanted ME to do in order to help him move forward. his answers were this: 1. stop drinking (i hadn't drank SINCE then because (a) i saw where that got me (b) i was pregnant and © we had a baby and i don't tolerate that around my baby. 2. stop talking to guys - i don't talk to guys anymore... i have friends that are girls. anything else? not that i can think of. he has told me that he doesnt know how i can help because i am the reason it is there to begin with. i just say okay, thats fine and go on. i really do want to help him because i don't like seeing him upset - and yes, i am well aware that i am the reason he is upset. i just don't know how to help him and he doesn't know what he wants me to do to try to help him. These are all positive steps. Don't drink. Don't be around other guys. You could give up your phone or credit cards. You NEED to give him the passwords to all your social media because that is how people hook up to cheat. ALL of them. So inform your girlfriends that your conversations which aren't person to person will be open books to your husband. That will warn them not to talk about things they don't want spreading but being this open is necessary to start (START) to win back his trust.
WorkingOnMe Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 I posted on your husband's thread at TAM that I don't really think you sound all that remorseful. It's really too bad because he deserves at least that for what you've done to him. You want to stay together. Are you REALLY up for the hard work of winning back his trust? A betrayed spouse typically takes 2-5 YEARS to recover from infidelity. It sounds to me like you'd like to just rug sweep the whole thing. Move on like it never happened. I doubt that's going to happen. You need to be ready to keep hearing about this for the next few years. Things will trigger your husband and it won't be pretty. Every time he sees a corpsman he'll think about you having sex with another man. Anyway, I'm not going to cross post the thread because I'm not sure if that's within the rules. But if anyone wants to see the husband's side of the story feel free to PM me.
TaraMaiden Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 You can't send/receive PM's until you've been here a month/made 100 posts. as far as I can recollect, one of those reasons is exactly this.... Mod's here aren't dumb.
WorkingOnMe Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 I don't think I ever suggested the mods were dumb. Not sure where that came from. I'm not trying to break any of your rules. But thanks for the friendly welcome anyway....
drifter777 Posted September 13, 2012 Posted September 13, 2012 You can't send/receive PM's until you've been here a month/made 100 posts. as far as I can recollect, one of those reasons is exactly this.... Mod's here aren't dumb. Huh? Why the attack?
TaraMaiden Posted September 14, 2012 Posted September 14, 2012 I don't think I ever suggested the mods were dumb. Not sure where that came from. I'm not trying to break any of your rules. But thanks for the friendly welcome anyway.... Huh? Why the attack? It wasn't a reflection on you - it was a reflection on stalkers, and the millions of spammers who come into the forum and could potentially hit the entire membership with PMs like "Hello my name is Shariq and I would like you to be my friend, just send $500 to this address and...." so on and so on.... They caught onto that kind of scam years ago, and modified the program accordingly. Don't be so defensive... it really isn't that big a deal...
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