I confessed infidelity to my husband and now

[RelationshipHell]

You should give him as much time to 'get over it' as you did in lying to him.

[RelationshipHell]

I have read a number of women who cheated on their spouses and the tone in their posts is vastly different from this one. Most of them would be deliriously happy that they made it 10 months without a divorce.

 

This one feels...off. Exactly how long did this relationship with the other man go on? How many other people knew about it? Certainly 'your friend' who kept pushing him into your house did.

 

How about you get over him FLIRTING with other women as part of the penance for him trying to get over the man who ejaculated inside of you...THRICE.

[sofedupwiththis]

I have read a number of women who cheated on their spouses and the tone in their posts is vastly different from this one. Most of them would be deliriously happy that they made it 10 months without a divorce.

 

This one feels...off. Exactly how long did this relationship with the other man go on? How many other people knew about it? Certainly 'your friend' who kept pushing him into your house did.

 

How about you get over him FLIRTING with other women as part of the penance for him trying to get over the man who ejaculated inside of you...THRICE.

 

again, get your facts before you throw things out there that you know nothing about... he was doing all that right after we got married, then again while he was deployed the second time... and he didn't know about what i did then. he was just doing whatever he wanted.... i really don't give two sh*ts that he flirted with other women because i'm over it. i DONT let it affect me anymore or how i feel throughout the day. I'm not going to let the past ruin my day that I could be spending happy with my family.

 

no, the "friend" did not know anything and i can guarantee that.

 

ejaculated inside of me huh?? hm.. again, i'm pretty sure you were NOT there and did NOT see what was going on... so again - get your facts first.

[sofedupwiththis]

But you did do it to him. Stop saying you're a different person now and it was age and he wasn't supporting you. It does nothing at all to justify it.

 

You feel bad not because he makes you but because you did something bad. Why can't you own it? Feel bad. Be guilty, show him tha you get it. Because right now you don't seem to.

 

well its nice to know that as you got older you stayed the exact same person as you were when you were 19 and 20 years old. i have in fact changed... he's even said so himself. and like i said before, i have NEVER tried to justify it... i never said that oh i was drunk so it was okay or oh i was 19 so it was okay.... that's makes no f*cking difference in the long run.

 

you have no idea how i act throughout the day and i even asked him what he wanted me to do. i said, do you want me to say i'm sorry every day?? and he says "no because that is just a daily reminder of what you did"... so what exactly do you do with that??? you take it... dont do it... and just go about the day as best you can.

[TaraMaiden]

FOCUS.

 

What Are You Going To Do....?

[sofedupwiththis]

You should give him as much time to 'get over it' as you did in lying to him.

 

i entirely agree with this. this is exactly what we were told when we were in marriage counseling prior to moving.

[sofedupwiththis]

FOCUS.

 

What Are You Going To Do....?

 

 

haha, i am going to lose it on these people that have no idea what i'm trying to say! does there happen to be a way i could talk to you privately because it seems like you are doing the most good!

 

oh! and i flat out asked him last night "what do you want to do, stay or go?" and he said that it comes and goes... i asked him what it was most of the time.. and he said that he wants to stay and work it out. he understands that people make mistakes and he thinks that it is just ridiculous to hold 2 weeks against 3 and a half years. he knows that i am sorry and that i am here for him. he said that he just doesnt really know how to move past everything almost completely and nobody can manage to give him a straight answer as to different approaches to try.

 

so it seems to me like he is committed to staying and working things out no matter how long it takes... we've made it 10 months, and i am fairly sure we can make it another 3 months, then another 3, then another 3. We are in Spain and he has told me before (after a huge argument) that he wanted both Benjamin and me to stay here.

 

So, do you happen to have any advise for the both of us?? for me on how to HELP him move forward. and him on some different things that might help him move forward.

[TaraMaiden]

haha, i am going to lose it on these people that have no idea what i'm trying to say! does there happen to be a way i could talk to you privately because it seems like you are doing the most good!

Unfortunately, until you've racked up 100 posts, or been here a month, you don't have PM privileges....

Contribute in other threads too, to get your post count up.... quickly.....

 

oh! and i flat out asked him last night "what do you want to do, stay or go?" and he said that it comes and goes... i asked him what it was most of the time.. and he said that he wants to stay and work it out. he understands that people make mistakes and he thinks that it is just ridiculous to hold 2 weeks against 3 and a half years.he knows that i am sorry and that i am here for him. he said that he just doesnt really know how to move past everything almost completely and nobody can manage to give him a straight answer as to different approaches to try.

Put this to him:

"I realise 2 weeks against 3-and-a-half years is no comparison, but ask yourself this: do you want to go on feeling this way for 3 and a half years just to even the balance out? Do you 'enjoy' feeling this way? I know change is difficult, but in the end, no matter how much advice people give you, that's not what you rely on to get the ball rolling. You have to roll the ball. Those are all just maps. You have to do the walking. I'm willing to walk with you, but beating me up all the time isn't constructive... and it doesn't help us progress.

We can't be in conflict if this is all it gets us. We have to be proactive and work it out as a unit."

 

so it seems to me like he is committed to staying and working things out no matter how long it takes... we've made it 10 months, and i am fairly sure we can make it another 3 months, then another 3, then another 3. We are in Spain and he has told me before (after a huge argument) that he wanted both Benjamin and me to stay here.

And this isn't doing benjamin any good either. you think a kid doesn't see? doesn't pick up?

Doesn't remember?

Think again....

You're bringing up a child in a toxic environment.

What needs to be done to change that?

And if it's move out - you ready to do that?

 

So, do you happen to have any advise for the both of us?? for me on how to HELP him move forward. and him on some different things that might help him move forward.

 

Look at the speaker/listener technique I showed you.

because right now, you're not communicating, you're verbally sparring.

Both of you write down a list of 10 things you hate about the relationship, and 10 things you love about the relationship.

Not EACH OTHER.

The relationship.

separately.

Then, compare notes.

 

A discussion is not a challenge to get the last word.

A discussion - effective communication - is about validating the other person's point of view without losing face yourself.

[sofedupwiththis]

I don't think there are any "obviously's" in this situation. And based on what he's said on the forum he's participating in, he DOESN'T believe you love him. He DOESN'T believe you've changed, and he's ONLY with you because the child you share, and because he's not going to divorce you overseas.

 

What I do see is him really detaching from you. I've been cheated on, and no being drunk is NOT an excuse, nor is it even relevant. You chose to cheat. You then chose to do it again. And again. So now you're dealing with the consequences of such action.

 

I never got over my ex cheating. I acted just like your husband is acting. If there's one thing, that one partner can do, that is so utterly disgusting, and disrespectful... it's cheating.

 

I think there's things he's thinking that he's not even telling you. I've been a part of those infidelity forums and I can tell you some of the advice they're probably giving him. They tell all people who are thinking of divorcing a wayward spouse to keep it under the radar until the last minute.

 

They're telling him how he should "get his ducks in a row" and probably to make sure all finances are in order, and to make sure he has the evidence of you cheating so when he files for divorce you don't get sole custody, and that you can't clean him out for all his cash.

 

I'd say he's detaching emotionally and most likely everything he's confessing to on the forum is truth. Not what he's telling you.

 

But regardless of any of this, your relationship with him was highly dysfunctional way before the cheating even happened. It both seems you can't get out of the cycle of attacking each other. Counseling could work, but that's if he even wants to.

 

he is not even on this forum or website at all so i dont know where you are getting the information from about what he is or isnt saying in his forum.

 

all i can say is that i am taking his word to heart when he says that he wants to work it out.

 

per our conversations last night he was telling me about what his POC is saying. basically he loves me for what he knows i can do, but he hates me (at times) for what i did.

 

there is no reason for him to keep us here overseas just to do that. i've told him plenty of times to just fly us back to the states so that we can be done if that is what he wants to do. and he keeps saying that he doesn't want us to leave and he wants to work it out.

 

strangely, he keeps apologizing for everything that he says to me out of anger. after an argument we both apologize to each other for everything that got said and agree that it was something stupid that we started arguing about in the first place.

 

to me personally, that doesnt sound like someone that is going to up and leave last minute.

 

getting the finances in order?? he's never dealt with the finances so i'm not sure how that is going to work. i wouldn't clean him out of everything, i would just make sure that i have everything that i need to take care of our child and thats it. i dont expect anything out of him other than to take care of our child whether we are together or apart.

 

and he wouldn't be able to handle custody of this baby by himself anyways. he said that if anything ever happened to me - i.e. death - that he would send our child to my mom because he couldn't do it by himself.

 

i just see him in the long run staying and working things out. that's the goal and he just doesnt seem the type to just give up on that from what i have observed.

[Betrayed&Stayed]

So, do you happen to have any advise for the both of us?? for me on how to HELP him move forward. and him on some different things that might help him move forward.

 

Best thing to help him to move along is to give him his space. He has a lot to sort out, and it will take time. He sets the timetable, not you. He sets the milestones, no one else.

 

I resented my wife trying to help me in a therapeutic way. The reason is obvious; because she was the source of this incredible pain. Having her trying to soothe the pain back-fired most of the time. It's the same as her stabbing me in the back, and then asking "can I get you an ibuprofen for that?"

 

If she really wanted to set me off into a rage, all she had to do was infer a "get over it already" message to me. Maybe not in those words, but that's how I would interpret it.

[TaraMaiden]

But don't you think there's a difference in taking the time to get over something, and wallowing/holding on, because it keeps you in 'justified rage'....?

[sofedupwiththis]

Unfortunately, until you've racked up 100 posts, or been here a month, you don't have PM privileges....

Contribute in other threads too, to get your post count up.... quickly.....

 

 

Put this to him:

"I realise 2 weeks against 3-and-a-half years is no comparison, but ask yourself this: do you want to go on feeling this way for 3 and a half years just to even the balance out? Do you 'enjoy' feeling this way? I know change is difficult, but in the end, no matter how much advice people give you, that's not what you rely on to get the ball rolling. You have to roll the ball. Those are all just maps. You have to do the walking. I'm willing to walk with you, but beating me up all the time isn't constructive... and it doesn't help us progress.

We can't be in conflict if this is all it gets us. We have to be proactive and work it out as a unit."

 

this is exactly what we were talking about last night. i think we are getting there slowly. of course there are the moments when everything kind of digresses but in the end we usually come out ahead after everything that needs to be said gets said. i've told him that i'm here and working to try to figure out what i need to do to help. i've told him that if he wants to talk, then to talk.

 

 

 

And this isn't doing benjamin any good either. you think a kid doesn't see? doesn't pick up?

Doesn't remember?

Think again....

You're bringing up a child in a toxic environment.

What needs to be done to change that?

And if it's move out - you ready to do that?

 

Before we moved overseas, i offered to go live with my family for a month or two and see how it went. and he told me that he didnt want me to go, he wanted me to stay there with him. so i did. i offered it many many times and he always said that he wanted us to stay there with him.

 

we never let benjamin see us arguing. its usually after he's gone to bed and is asleep. but i do know that he picks up on it when we get irritated with each other in the day (which is few and far between). I'll have to talk to him and see what his thought are on what we need to do to change it all though. I have no idea where i would move out to because we are overseas where i do not know anyone... and its expensive to buy a ticket to go home for a while, but we could always try that if it came down to it.

 

i've told him that if he wants to send us home, then that is fine and we'll just figure out how to pay for it - no big deal. but he just keeps saying that he wants us here with him. he said that he loves having us around when he gets home. the hugs make his day he said.

 

 

 

Look at the speaker/listener technique I showed you.

because right now, you're not communicating, you're verbally sparring.

Both of you write down a list of 10 things you hate about the relationship, and 10 things you love about the relationship.

Not EACH OTHER.

The relationship.

separately.

Then, compare notes.

 

A discussion is not a challenge to get the last word.

A discussion - effective communication - is about validating the other person's point of view without losing face yourself.

 

i'll definitely try the comparing the love and hate lists because this sounds like it could be very constructive for us. My question is: so the hate list - is it things that we hate that the other one does? or something completely different? same with the love list.

 

thinking back.. out of 3 and a half years - he has gone for 16 months plus 2 weeks of it.

 

8 first deployment, 8 second deployment, then 2 weeks for field exercises.

[TaraMaiden]

No, read again. It's not about the things the other person does. It's the things about the relationship dynamic you love/hate.

What is it in the relationship you both want to continue/fix?

[sofedupwiththis]

Best thing to help him to move along is to give him his space. He has a lot to sort out, and it will take time. He sets the timetable, not you. He sets the milestones, no one else.

 

I resented my wife trying to help me in a therapeutic way. The reason is obvious; because she was the source of this incredible pain. Having her trying to soothe the pain back-fired most of the time. It's the same as her stabbing me in the back, and then asking "can I get you an ibuprofen for that?"

 

If she really wanted to set me off into a rage, all she had to do was infer a "get over it already" message to me. Maybe not in those words, but that's how I would interpret it.

 

i do agree with this 100%. he had that mindset for a while. but after talking to our marriage counselor, the guy kept asking my husband what he wanted ME to do in order to help him move forward. his answers were this: 1. stop drinking (i hadn't drank SINCE then because (a) i saw where that got me (b) i was pregnant and © we had a baby and i don't tolerate that around my baby. 2. stop talking to guys - i don't talk to guys anymore... i have friends that are girls.

 

anything else? not that i can think of.

 

he has told me that he doesnt know how i can help because i am the reason it is there to begin with. i just say okay, thats fine and go on.

 

i really do want to help him because i don't like seeing him upset - and yes, i am well aware that i am the reason he is upset. i just don't know how to help him and he doesn't know what he wants me to do to try to help him.

[sofedupwiththis]

No, read again. It's not about the things the other person does. It's the things about the relationship dynamic you love/hate.

What is it in the relationship you both want to continue/fix?

 

okay. i'll see what he says about it and go from there. but i think this is a good start on fixing the negative and embracing the positive.

[sofedupwiththis]

i do agree with this 100%. he had that mindset for a while. but after talking to our marriage counselor, the guy kept asking my husband what he wanted ME to do in order to help him move forward. his answers were this: 1. stop drinking (i hadn't drank SINCE then because (a) i saw where that got me (b) i was pregnant and © we had a baby and i don't tolerate that around my baby. 2. stop talking to guys - i don't talk to guys anymore... i have friends that are girls.

 

anything else? not that i can think of.

 

he has told me that he doesnt know how i can help because i am the reason it is there to begin with. i just say okay, thats fine and go on.

 

i really do want to help him because i don't like seeing him upset - and yes, i am well aware that i am the reason he is upset. i just don't know how to help him and he doesn't know what he wants me to do to try to help him.

 

and just to clarify, my husband knew these things because he had to keep reiterating to the guy that i didnt drink anymore. and the whole talking to guys thing - he knows who i do and dont talk to 100% so thats not a problem anymore either.

 

and all the guys that i did talk to were just friends. period. nothing more. never was anything more than friends in the past.

[FryFish]

and all the guys that i did talk to were just friends. period. nothing more. never was anything more than friends in the past.

Except for the one that you ****ed repeatedly...

[drifter777]

But don't you think there's a difference in taking the time to get over something, and wallowing/holding on, because it keeps you in 'justified rage'....?

 

Yes, there is a big, big difference. An outside observer, other than the BS's IC, really can't make this judgement about another person. The time it takes to "get over" this kind of betrayal is going to vary greatly from person to person. Even in the best of circumstances I think that episodes of "justified rage" are going to happen now and then. To some degree it's all part of the process of accepting and trying to move forward.

 

If asked, I would advise anyone that gets stuck in the "justified rage" phase - refusing to move forward for their own reasons - to separate and even start working toward divorce. Seeing the stark reality of their own caustic behavior on top of the damage done by their WS may be what it takes to un-stick them. Divorce may still be the best path, but moving forward in the recovery process is what's important.

 

All of us should realize that recovery from infidelity is not a simple, one-size-fits-all process. For most of us the first year or two after d-day is a roller-coaster of emotions. We are reacting to the daily reminders of the betrayal that trigger angry, bitter responses. Couple this with the fact that we may still love our WS and don't know how to make the hurt stop and you can understand why things are so wildly unpredictable.

 

OP: Most of us understand your overwhelming desire to put this behind you and move forward with your life. This is a very common response by the WS. The danger for you is that you might force your BH to grant you cheap forgiveness that might smooth things over right now, but will likely lead to even bigger problems in the not-to-distant future. Encourage him to get counseling. Participate in MC if that is what he wants. Be as open and honest about what happened and why it happened without defending the actual act of cheating. Talk about issues that you feel contributed, but don't try to absolve yourself of what you did. It's a difficult road but, based on all the stories we see here and on other forums, it is the best chance you have at true reconciliation.

[sofedupwiththis]

just a note to the person that said i didnt know what i was talking about when i said that he wouldnt be deploying for another 3 to 4 years: my husband read everything on here thanks to SOMEONE posting it in his forum... he could not help but come to me laughing about all the nonsense that has been said on this page. he directly pointed out that i AM right about him not having to deploy for 3 to 4 years... its called a SHORE duty and they do not have to deploy. period. and then he was laughing about the person telling me that he was going to leave me for his "brother in arms." and i'm pretty sure his exact statement was... "WTF does that even mean???"... next, he is trying to figure out why people belong to multiple different forums about the same thing and why in the world would you post what i write to his forum?? what construction did that do - other than giving him a good laugh?? and lastly... for the people who said that he is just going to get his ducks in a row and leave... he said - what is the point in that?? i can't hunt ducks for anything! beside the fact, that is not what i want to do. So while i appreciate the fact that people may think they know what they are talking about when they spit out words - you don't know him, you dont know me, you don't know our dynamic. you just know what you have read.

 

Fryfish - wow! i am so glad that you said that. phew, what a weight off my shoulders... maybe you should get a job stating the obvious!

 

anyways, we are moving forward day by day and will eventually get better. we have had a few constructive conversations over the past day and a half and it can only go up from here.

[sofedupwiththis]

and one more thing... how exactly do any of ya'll know where he was deployed?? i didn't say where he was deployed... something people probably don't know is that military does not always deploy to war zones... there is are many countries that they deploy to that are just humanitarian... and some even deploy just to other states in the U.S.!

 

something i highly suggest for people posting on these sites is to not make ASSUMPTIONS about anything based on what you think you know... you just make an ass out of yourself like the old saying goes.

[FryFish]

Fryfish - wow! i am so glad that you said that. phew, what a weight off my shoulders... maybe you should get a job stating the obvious!

It looked like you had forgotten that you ****ED your "friend" repeatedly... I mean, you said he was "just a friend"... and you left out the part about ****ing him again and again...

 

Your name, sofedupwiththis, is a pretty clear indication that you dont really give a **** about what you put your husband through... You arent sincere about reconciliation... You DONT DESERVE forgiveness.... You have been lying to your husband for THREE YEARS and you expect him to just get over it in 10 months??? This kind of thing takes 3-5 years to get over... It is obvious that that is just too ****ing long for you...

 

After your last couple of twatty posts I HOPE your husband is setting you up to fall alone... Maybe after your divorce you can go make some new "friends"...

[drifter777]

and one more thing... how exactly do any of ya'll know where he was deployed?? i didn't say where he was deployed... something people probably don't know is that military does not always deploy to war zones... there is are many countries that they deploy to that are just humanitarian... and some even deploy just to other states in the U.S.!

 

something i highly suggest for people posting on these sites is to not make ASSUMPTIONS about anything based on what you think you know... you just make an ass out of yourself like the old saying goes.

 

As I said before, WE DON"T KNOW YOU! All we can respond/react to is your posts, and your focus on defending yourself and your actions makes it tough to respond in a gentle, supporting manner.

 

I truly wonder why you continue to post on this thread. Based on where this thread has gone, I don't know what you are looking for right now. Could you summarize how you think we can help you?

[Owl]

Sofedup...point blank, the two of you need to get into family/relationship counseling ASAP.

 

As a former military man who's been deployed and dealt with infidelity in my own marriage, I'd tell you that I do not see much chance of successful reconciliation from what all you've both been through unless you get a professional involved.

 

INSIST on counseling through your chaplain or your local community services.

 

The two of you have a LOT to address. The issues that you both brought to the marriage before the infidelity, the issues caused by the infidelity, and the things that you're both dealing with right now.

[sofedupwiththis]

first off, i did not ask for advice on anything other than ways that i could HELP him move forward... all the other "advice" was just a bunch of nonsense that someone decided to post for whatever reason. really at this point, i dont care what anyone else has to say... whatever happens, happens... no need to get all upset over something that may or may not happen. he's going to do what he wants to do regardless of anyone else's opinion... and in the end, nobody else's opinion about me matters except for his.

[RobD70]

You may never fully understand how badly you screwed up, all the “controlling” things he did was for your own best interest (you should NOT have been drinking and smoking) and you NEVER EVER talk to someone of the opposite sex about marital problems. That guy only told you want you wanted to hear to get into your pants and that’s it. How you acted was nothing but adolescent narcissism.

 

Also you being a little older don’t mean you are any better, I made some of the biggest mistakes of my life in the 20-25 age range.

 

Your main issue is that you are selfish, not that it’s really your fault since you are still in the “young and dumb” phase but that is what got you in trouble. The most noble and selfless thing you could do is file for a divorce. You betrayed him and took the exclusivity of your relationship away from him. Regardless of how he has acted, you still have a faithful husband and he now has an unfaithful wife. Do you think that’s fair to him? The damage is done and you can’t go back and change it and you’ll never be able to make up for it. Let him go find someone that will remain faithful through the entire relationship and you learn from this and don’t make the same mistakes again.

 

So while i appreciate the fact that people may think they know what they are talking about when they spit out words - you don't know him, you dont know me, you don't know our dynamic. you just know what you have read.

Everyone thinks they are special and the exception to the rule…everyone…and they are all wrong. He hasn’t hit the full anger stage yet and when that happens then the roller coaster really gets going. You are in the early stages that will take a long time to resolve, if ever.