TaraMaiden Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 You can't. he has to. he has to see it, acknowledge it, admit it's a problem, and WANT to deal with it. you are not his therapist as well as his wife. You are re-building your marriage. tell me, who's the architect, is he qualified and do you think the foundations are sound? remember it's not the bricks that hold a house together... it's the thin layers of mortar....
Author sofedupwiththis Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 You can't. he has to. he has to see it, acknowledge it, admit it's a problem, and WANT to deal with it. you are not his therapist as well as his wife. You are re-building your marriage. tell me, who's the architect, is he qualified and do you think the foundations are sound? remember it's not the bricks that hold a house together... it's the thin layers of mortar.... My personal opinion, no he is not qualified.. But he's going to have to be a part of rebuilding everything
jmargel Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 Honestly it sounds like he has some major anger issues and it would not surprise me that he is either cheating or looking to cheat. He maybe trying to defend this on your past affair, however you do not really know what he did with those other women or even doing now! You have no trust in him, he is mentally and emotionally abusing you. This is just as bad as physical abuse. He has already laid his hands on you (bull**** answer to not knowing he had his hands on your throat). Honestly if I were you I would get away with your son. You should contact his commander and let him know what is happening. The military will NOT tolerate this from him. This is not a good environment for your son to be growing up in either. He is feeling the neglect from his dad and the anger in him. If he's not willing to go back to counseling then I believe it's best for you and your son to leave. This will not get fixed unless he wants it fixed and he's too sighted on somehow getting revenge against you. You are not a bad person, you made a mistake, which alot of people do.
TaraMaiden Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 Yes. But how committed is he? really, you need to take a cold hard long look at what's going on. You cannot fix him, or fix his side of things. You are responsible for your half... but one half can't carry it all.... Think carefully about what you're working towards....
Author sofedupwiththis Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 Honestly it sounds like he has some major anger issues and it would not surprise me that he is either cheating or looking to cheat. He maybe trying to defend this on your past affair, however you do not really know what he did with those other women or even doing now! You have no trust in him, he is mentally and emotionally abusing you. This is just as bad as physical abuse. He has already laid his hands on you (bull**** answer to not knowing he had his hands on your throat). Honestly if I were you I would get away with your son. You should contact his commander and let him know what is happening. The military will NOT tolerate this from him. This is not a good environment for your son to be growing up in either. He is feeling the neglect from his dad and the anger in him. If he's not willing to go back to counseling then I believe it's best for you and your son to leave. This will not get fixed unless he wants it fixed and he's too sighted on somehow getting revenge against you. You are not a bad person, you made a mistake, which alot of people do. well before he came back from his first deployment (when all this was happening) i talked to a "friend" who was an ombudsmen (i talked to her as a friend) because i was getting nervous about him coming home because we were doing nothing but arguing about everything and given everything that happened in the past. When he got home he went to anger management and things have been pretty good. this past time was because we were in an argument over the affair. believe me, there have been plenty of times here that i told him just to send me and our son back home and we can be done. he wants me to leave, just not the baby... and that'll just never work... he cant work and take care of a baby. his past command knows about what he did because when the ombudsman reported it to FAP i instantly told him and he went straight to his command about it. this current command shouldnt know anything but i am not sure if it was in his file or not. in regards to mental and emotional abuse... i agree. but he doesnt see it that way. basically his whole mentality is "put your big girl panties on and get over it or deal with it"
Betrayed&Stayed Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 Oh, triggers. where do i begin. He has told me his train of thought before and in my opinion, its insane. i have flat out told him that i can take ANYTHING and make sure it goes back to that ONE thing. A diaper - oh we had benjamin while i was deployed to spain - that was my second deployment - my first deployment was to (wherever) - that's when she cheated on me. i mean it is that ridiculous, in my opinion. the couch - oh that couch is new - we bought it in spain - i was deployed to spain for my second deployment - on my first deployment she cheated. the car - we bought that car after i got back from my first deployment. (we have a new car now...) i mean its just a neverending cycle of "what can i link back to when she cheated" it seems like. As a BS I went through the same thing, so I'll assume that it is not an uncommon response to d-day. I called it "the funnel". Whatever is going on will eventually funnel down to the affair. Any argument will eventually spiral down to the affair (and the betrayal, lying, distrust, etc associated with it). I'm not saying that it is fair, it's just the nature of the beast. I gave away many things that were triggers. One example, after my wife ended her affair she gave me a very nice jacket for Valentines. V-day was a month removed from her ending her affair. Once I found out about the affair many years later, that jacket (which I still wore a lot) became a huge trigger. I gave it away because every time I put it on I couldn't shake the "another dude screwed my wife and all I got was this lousy jacket" voice in my head. I even had to recollect what furniture we had during her affair because if we had had the same couch, I would've chucked it in the street. Some random thoughts: (1) Your husband is in world of hurt right now. It is a world of hurt not brought on by some stranger, but the one person who he trusted and loved. You can't fathom what he is feeling. If his behavior doesn't improve, he might want to go on some AD for awhile. (2) The fact that you were x age at that time is irrelevant (3) The fact that it happened 3 years ago is also irrelevant. To him, it just happened. Plus, once he gets through the initial pain of your affair, he will then start over again to deal with the 3 years that he spent living a lie. (4) I'd be concerned with your H's excessive drinking. If it was bad before d-day, then it will most likely get worse. 1
Author sofedupwiththis Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 Yes. But how committed is he? really, you need to take a cold hard long look at what's going on. You cannot fix him, or fix his side of things. You are responsible for your half... but one half can't carry it all.... Think carefully about what you're working towards.... he swears up, down, left, right that he wants me to stay (unless we are fighting - then it is leave - not sure if that is just anger or his true feelings) we are supposed to be working towards rebuilding everything and getting back to the "normal" swing of things but it just seems like he is really resistant.
TaraMaiden Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 You definitely need more counselling. And I think maybe you need to club him over the head with "We either do this, or we split". But if he won't - then you have to be prepared to carry through. because things, as they stand, are clearly neither working, nor progressing.... 1
Author sofedupwiththis Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 As a BS I went through the same thing, so I'll assume that it is not an uncommon response to d-day. I called it "the funnel". Whatever is going on will eventually funnel down to the affair. Any argument will eventually spiral down to the affair (and the betrayal, lying, distrust, etc associated with it). I'm not saying that it is fair, it's just the nature of the beast. I gave away many things that were triggers. One example, after my wife ended her affair she gave me a very nice jacket for Valentines. V-day was a month removed from her ending her affair. Once I found out about the affair many years later, that jacket (which I still wore a lot) became a huge trigger. I gave it away because every time I put it on I couldn't shake the "another dude screwed my wife and all I got was this lousy jacket" voice in my head. I even had to recollect what furniture we had during her affair because if we had had the same couch, I would've chucked it in the street. Some random thoughts: (1) Your husband is in world of hurt right now. It is a world of hurt not brought on by some stranger, but the one person who he trusted and loved. You can't fathom what he is feeling. If his behavior doesn't improve, he might want to go on some AD for awhile. (2) The fact that you were x age at that time is irrelevant (3) The fact that it happened 3 years ago is also irrelevant. To him, it just happened. Plus, once he gets through the initial pain of your affair, he will then start over again to deal with the 3 years that he spent living a lie. (4) I'd be concerned with your H's excessive drinking. If it was bad before d-day, then it will most likely get worse. i do believe that age does play a factor in this particular situation because i was still in the mentality of "i want, what i want, when i want it" and he wasnt giving me what i wanted, so thats part of what led to my affair. he wasnt supporting me in regards to making friends in a new place where i was along. he wasnt listening to what i had to say about anything. I do understand completely that it was 3 years ago for me, but 10 months ago for him - we were already told that. but i still think that he should keep in mind that it was 3 years ago and that we are two totally different people now. he didnt drink a lot before. but he drinks more now - but we are in another country and beer is cheaper than water here. its really not excessive either. I stopped all that completely once he got back and we had our son. I am not having that around him. period. i can imagine what he feels like because, although i may not have been cheated on, he makes me feel like sh*t every day. I just fight back the tears because i am the type that doesnt show emotion in regards to crying. it takes a LOT to get me worked up recently because i hear it all too often and i have just become numb to it all.
Chi townD Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 Yeah, he needs to go back into counseling and it sounds like the first counselor you two had sucked. His actions or lack of action didn't cause the affair. You made that choice. Did he earn a trophy for Husband of the Year prior to your affair? No! But, he can be blamed for 50% of the problems in the marriage and you can own up to the other 50%. But, your affair was 100% on you! He didn't MAKE you have an affair you made a CHOICE. You could have easily said NO and work on the problems in your marriage. But you didn't do that. So, that wasn't his fault. It sounds like you two are soooo disconnected, it's like you're roomates rather than husband and wife. His put up this wall and you are on the other side of it and he's keeping you there because he doesn't want to get hurt again. And with comments like this: "And really in the end, i cant say that it would never happen again because nobody can tell the future. NO, i am not going to go looking for it. but if the circumstances fell just so - who knows what would happen. I don't want that to be miscontrued in any way. it basically boils down to this - you dont know what you will do given whatever situation." I wouldn't blame him. Look, either you have to decide if your going to dedicate yourself to fighting for your marriage or your not. The biggest problem is, you have no idea how to reach him. And he has no idea how to talk to you. What IS promising is that he's doing his own research about what's going on in his life and in his marriage by visiting a like forum. That's promising. It shows me that he's, at least, willing to talk about it. I know you want things to go back to normal. Have your marriage back. Here's the rub. Your marriage is over. The moment you allowed another man inside you, your marriage ended. It is never coming back. That marriage is gone. Look at it this way, when you two were dating, you were laying a foundation. Then, when he asked you to marry him, the two of you started to build a home on that foundation. Brick by brick and shingle by shingle. And it turned out to be an okay home! The one day you took a bulldozer to it and destroyed it. Now, the two of you are standing in front of the wreckage and the only thing left is the foundation. Most couples would just walk away saying that it's too much trouble to rebuild. BUT some couples look beyond the wreckage and decide that the foundation is still good. And they start to rebuild. But, the new house will never be the same as the orginal house. Sometimes the second house can be better than the first. But, that's up to the two of you to decide on how and if you are going to rebuild. 1
Betrayed&Stayed Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 i do believe that age does play a factor in this particular situation because i was still in the mentality of "i want, what i want, when i want it" and he wasnt giving me what i wanted, so thats part of what led to my affair. The "I want" mentality isn't an age, it's a mindset; it crosses the entire age spectrum. I understand the a person's maturity and worldview progresses with life experiences, but I wouldn't lean too hard on the "I was 19"; there's more underneath that. My wife said the same thing: "I was only 27". If age was a major factor, then only people under the age of 30 would be having affairs. Now that you've identified the "I want" mentality, what have you done (or going to do) to prove to your H that you are truly different/better? Best thing for both of you is find a good counselor. You both have big items to figure out individually and together.
jmargel Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 well before he came back from his first deployment (when all this was happening) i talked to a "friend" who was an ombudsmen (i talked to her as a friend) because i was getting nervous about him coming home because we were doing nothing but arguing about everything and given everything that happened in the past. When he got home he went to anger management and things have been pretty good. this past time was because we were in an argument over the affair. believe me, there have been plenty of times here that i told him just to send me and our son back home and we can be done. he wants me to leave, just not the baby... and that'll just never work... he cant work and take care of a baby. his past command knows about what he did because when the ombudsman reported it to FAP i instantly told him and he went straight to his command about it. this current command shouldnt know anything but i am not sure if it was in his file or not. in regards to mental and emotional abuse... i agree. but he doesnt see it that way. basically his whole mentality is "put your big girl panties on and get over it or deal with it" Well the thing I can say about the affair part is that you really did have an affair for 3 years. By that I mean that you lied to him for that long so he is probably having a really hard time trusting you. However you have a hard time trusting him as well, he has not accounted for his actions and by what you are telling us I doubt that he will. He will just show anger. Anger is a defense mechanism. He doesn't sound like the type to explain what really has gone on. I think you need to make some decisions on what YOU want. Do you really want to do this the rest of your life? How long are you going to give this a chance until you and your son leave? Don't become one of these women that end up in an emotionally abusive relationship. All that is going to do is make yourself miserable and your son the mindset that he can do this to other women when he's older.
Lauriebell82 Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 A lot of your posts sound like as though you are just complaining about him, and how it is affecting YOU. It's not all about you, it's about him too. Even though he says he wants to stay and work things out, I'm sure he has some resentments and is still hurt. Therefore his "commands" are his way of dealing with the pain and seeking some control of his own. He probably feels like he lost control when you cheated and now he is turning the tables. I don't think either of your behavior is healthy. You need counseling once again, and you need to stay in it until things are worked through. You both have some deep routed resentments that need worked out. Stop blaming him for your misery. You started it, so you need to deal with it. I'm not saying he is in the right, but what about his pain? You have just talked about how things "aren't fair to you." What about him? Oh, and you had said that he was drinking a lot, is he still doing that? He may need some help for that as well if he is using it as a coping skill. 2
drifter777 Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 A lot of your posts sound like as though you are just complaining about him, and how it is affecting YOU. It's not all about you, it's about him too. Even though he says he wants to stay and work things out, I'm sure he has some resentments and is still hurt. Therefore his "commands" are his way of dealing with the pain and seeking some control of his own. He probably feels like he lost control when you cheated and now he is turning the tables. I don't think either of your behavior is healthy. You need counseling once again, and you need to stay in it until things are worked through. You both have some deep routed resentments that need worked out. Stop blaming him for your misery. You started it, so you need to deal with it. I'm not saying he is in the right, but what about his pain? You have just talked about how things "aren't fair to you." What about him? Oh, and you had said that he was drinking a lot, is he still doing that? He may need some help for that as well if he is using it as a coping skill. This couldn't be more accurate. You have real problems in your marriage and the biggest one right now is that you cheated on him. Your attitude of "why can't he move forward" shows such callus disregard for his feelings it pains me. Imagine what it is doing to your betrayed husband. You both need individual counseling. As a couple, you need marriage counseling. If you are not truly remorseful and willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to him, then you have no chance of reconciliation. You should try counseling before making any decisions, but know that if it's not in your heart to do the hard work necessary to show him how sorry you are and earn back some trust, it's not going to work.
Author sofedupwiththis Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 Yeah, he needs to go back into counseling and it sounds like the first counselor you two had sucked. His actions or lack of action didn't cause the affair. You made that choice. Did he earn a trophy for Husband of the Year prior to your affair? No! But, he can be blamed for 50% of the problems in the marriage and you can own up to the other 50%. But, your affair was 100% on you! He didn't MAKE you have an affair you made a CHOICE. You could have easily said NO and work on the problems in your marriage. But you didn't do that. So, that wasn't his fault. It sounds like you two are soooo disconnected, it's like you're roomates rather than husband and wife. His put up this wall and you are on the other side of it and he's keeping you there because he doesn't want to get hurt again. And with comments like this: "And really in the end, i cant say that it would never happen again because nobody can tell the future. NO, i am not going to go looking for it. but if the circumstances fell just so - who knows what would happen. I don't want that to be miscontrued in any way. it basically boils down to this - you dont know what you will do given whatever situation." I wouldn't blame him. Look, either you have to decide if your going to dedicate yourself to fighting for your marriage or your not. The biggest problem is, you have no idea how to reach him. And he has no idea how to talk to you. What IS promising is that he's doing his own research about what's going on in his life and in his marriage by visiting a like forum. That's promising. It shows me that he's, at least, willing to talk about it. I know you want things to go back to normal. Have your marriage back. Here's the rub. Your marriage is over. The moment you allowed another man inside you, your marriage ended. It is never coming back. That marriage is gone. Look at it this way, when you two were dating, you were laying a foundation. Then, when he asked you to marry him, the two of you started to build a home on that foundation. Brick by brick and shingle by shingle. And it turned out to be an okay home! The one day you took a bulldozer to it and destroyed it. Now, the two of you are standing in front of the wreckage and the only thing left is the foundation. Most couples would just walk away saying that it's too much trouble to rebuild. BUT some couples look beyond the wreckage and decide that the foundation is still good. And they start to rebuild. But, the new house will never be the same as the orginal house. Sometimes the second house can be better than the first. But, that's up to the two of you to decide on how and if you are going to rebuild. We never really dated at all.. We talked for about 3 months then got married. And he actually completely understands what I mean when I say that you never know what you will do until you are in the situation because he swore he'd never put his hands on me again after the first time. Then the second time. The situation came up and he did it again. So that's really not the issue. The point here is that we are trying to work past the wreckage. We are just trying to figure out how to completely finish our "house."
Lauriebell82 Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 We never really dated at all.. We talked for about 3 months then got married. And he actually completely understands what I mean when I say that you never know what you will do until you are in the situation because he swore he'd never put his hands on me again after the first time. Then the second time. The situation came up and he did it again. So that's really not the issue. The point here is that we are trying to work past the wreckage. We are just trying to figure out how to completely finish our "house." Sounds like you guys got married too fast. As many people have said though, you seem to capitalize on the things that HE has done. You have acknowledged your cheating, however immediately revert back to the "well he is doing this to me and I don't like it" type of comments. Do you understand the seriousness of your cheating? Do you understand the pain your husband is going through? Are you justifying your cheating as revenge for his abuse?
Author sofedupwiththis Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 A lot of your posts sound like as though you are just complaining about him, and how it is affecting YOU. It's not all about you, it's about him too. Even though he says he wants to stay and work things out, I'm sure he has some resentments and is still hurt. Therefore his "commands" are his way of dealing with the pain and seeking some control of his own. He probably feels like he lost control when you cheated and now he is turning the tables. I don't think either of your behavior is healthy. You need counseling once again, and you need to stay in it until things are worked through. You both have some deep routed resentments that need worked out. Stop blaming him for your misery. You started it, so you need to deal with it. I'm not saying he is in the right, but what about his pain? You have just talked about how things "aren't fair to you." What about him? Oh, and you had said that he was drinking a lot, is he still doing that? He may need some help for that as well if he is using it as a coping skill. Ok well if you read the other comments then it should be clear that I am saying how he makes me feel. And if you really want to pinpoint who is to blame, BOTH of us are to blame. He shouldnt have put is hands on me in the first place and then try to be so controlling over every aspect of my life before I ever had an affair. I know that it should have never happened in the first place. And I do wish I could take it back but can't take it back now. There are a lot of things that aren't "fair" to me, and there are obviously things I did that aren't "fair" to him. I'm simply saying that he isn't realizing anything that he has done. Just like discussed earlier, if he wants X, he needs to be able to reciprocate the same.
Author sofedupwiththis Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 Sounds like you guys got married too fast. As many people have said though, you seem to capitalize on the things that HE has done. You have acknowledged your cheating, however immediately revert back to the "well he is doing this to me and I don't like it" type of comments. Do you understand the seriousness of your cheating? Do you understand the pain your husband is going through? Are you justifying your cheating as revenge for his abuse? Again, I'm trying to explain he did this, so this is how I felt. And no, I have NeVER tried to justify cheating to him, ever. In fact, whenever all that came up, I said from the get go "I'm not trying to justify it, because the IS no justifying it." period. But, if you would change X,Y,Z and I change X,Y,Z we can work through it. None of this is new news to either of us.
Author sofedupwiththis Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 From the sounds of it you and your husband will not last very long at all. Not sure where he is deployed but sounds like he keeps re administering so he may be looking for a full military career. Which I myself would have done without having my son at an early age. You are just to young and stupid to even understand marriage so get over it, and quickly! If your husband is surrounded by his brothers in uniform it is a 98% certainty that you will be REPLACED as soon as he comes home. Be ready for this. I guarantee he already is. Good Luck, I guess....... He's already home and believe me he does not want to make a career out of it at all. But he is because he wants to be able to provide for his family. He isn't deployed and won't be for another 3-4 years, ideally ever if he can play his cards right. So you might want to get the facts before you throw things out there that yo have no idea about.
Lauriebell82 Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 Ok well if you read the other comments then it should be clear that I am saying how he makes me feel. And if you really want to pinpoint who is to blame, BOTH of us are to blame. He shouldnt have put is hands on me in the first place and then try to be so controlling over every aspect of my life before I ever had an affair. I know that it should have never happened in the first place. And I do wish I could take it back but can't take it back now. There are a lot of things that aren't "fair" to me, and there are obviously things I did that aren't "fair" to him. I'm simply saying that he isn't realizing anything that he has done. Just like discussed earlier, if he wants X, he needs to be able to reciprocate the same. You both have some anger and resentments towards each other that could be worked out in counseling as I said earlier. I hope you are able to do that soon.
Author sofedupwiththis Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 This couldn't be more accurate. You have real problems in your marriage and the biggest one right now is that you cheated on him. Your attitude of "why can't he move forward" shows such callus disregard for his feelings it pains me. Imagine what it is doing to your betrayed husband. You both need individual counseling. As a couple, you need marriage counseling. If you are not truly remorseful and willing to do whatever it takes to make it up to him, then you have no chance of reconciliation. You should try counseling before making any decisions, but know that if it's not in your heart to do the hard work necessary to show him how sorry you are and earn back some trust, it's not going to work. Everyone here must pick and choose which comments to read. How about this, you screw up in a marriage - no matter how big or small - and let your spouse throw it in your face all the time. Oh, and I bend over backwards most of the time but there are some instances where you just have to put your foot down and say enough is enough. You have no idea how I feel in regards to what I did. At least he can say that he truly thinks that I am sorry and believes that I am sorry. Guess that a benefit of actually being around me and seeing what I do and don't do instead of basing all of your opinions on what gets written in a forum.
Author sofedupwiththis Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 You both have some anger and resentments towards each other that could be worked out in counseling as I said earlier. I hope you are able to do that soon. This is true. I know we do. He knows we do. And we will get there as soon as we can. He can't just drop out of work to go and these places do have closing times.
KatZee Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 obviously he still wants to work things out if he is still around after 10 months of knowing and living with both me and our child and uprooting us from the states to an overseas location. I don't think there are any "obviously's" in this situation. And based on what he's said on the forum he's participating in, he DOESN'T believe you love him. He DOESN'T believe you've changed, and he's ONLY with you because the child you share, and because he's not going to divorce you overseas. What I do see is him really detaching from you. I've been cheated on, and no being drunk is NOT an excuse, nor is it even relevant. You chose to cheat. You then chose to do it again. And again. So now you're dealing with the consequences of such action. I never got over my ex cheating. I acted just like your husband is acting. If there's one thing, that one partner can do, that is so utterly disgusting, and disrespectful... it's cheating. I think there's things he's thinking that he's not even telling you. I've been a part of those infidelity forums and I can tell you some of the advice they're probably giving him. They tell all people who are thinking of divorcing a wayward spouse to keep it under the radar until the last minute. They're telling him how he should "get his ducks in a row" and probably to make sure all finances are in order, and to make sure he has the evidence of you cheating so when he files for divorce you don't get sole custody, and that you can't clean him out for all his cash. I'd say he's detaching emotionally and most likely everything he's confessing to on the forum is truth. Not what he's telling you. But regardless of any of this, your relationship with him was highly dysfunctional way before the cheating even happened. It both seems you can't get out of the cycle of attacking each other. Counseling could work, but that's if he even wants to. 1
drifter777 Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 You have no idea how I feel in regards to what I did. At least he can say that he truly thinks that I am sorry and believes that I am sorry. Guess that a benefit of actually being around me and seeing what I do and don't do instead of basing all of your opinions on what gets written in a forum. Sorry if I misread you, but that's all any of us posting in your thread can go by. We don't know you; we can't even see your body language or hear your voice inflections. Sort out what fits and toss the rest.
frozensprouts Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 does the base you are one have a padre who can help counsel you? I'm asking because when we were having problems, my husband's squadron padre was really helpful to me ( nothing to do with religion, I'm agnostic). He had lots of experience with "military marriages", was a trained counselor ( independent of his religious affiliations) and knew the stresses a military family can face....in short, he'd seen it all, heard it all and and was able to bring that perspective and help us see the larger picture...he was also not allowed to bring it to the chain of command , which was a real relief I also learned some knew swear words from him that I'd never heard before:laugh:
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