Lovingdreams Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 I have came out of a decade relationship recently as I felt I wasn't getting what I was wanting. There was many conversations about our future but after all that time, nothing ever evolved and I felt I pushed myself out of the relationship despite it being both our faults not moving things along. It killed me to do it because I do care deeply for my ex but I couldn't see a future with him at the end and it was only when I said I wanted to separate that he wanted to move things along and I felt it was too little too late. Since then, my friend who I have known for years has came out and said he likes me however he has been separated form his wife for months now but we have been good friends for a very long time and get on extremely well. We spent a lot of time together and we get on so well and It feels comfortable and Im feeling happy despite knowing his situation isnt an easy fixed one. But my ex is taking our break up extremely badly and it hurts me so much seeing how unhappy he is that every night i cry because in all the time we were together, I never wanted to hurt him but at this moment in time I cant push myself to feel differently about my situation. I love my ex very much, before we split, he didnt do anything which was unforgivable, we just didnt move it to the next level and I guess in some wasys I removed myself from the relationship. But on the other hand, my friend I get on so well and I love spending time with him and he's romantic and funny and I feel happy again. My ex knows about my friend and despite wanting to cling onto a friendship with my ex at least, he says he cant accept it and needs to remove me from his life because he cant stand the thought of me being happy with someone else which scares me to say that I am seeing my friend - Im doing everything to keep him in my life and help him through it but I am hiding that I wish to explore this new relationship for a while to see if it is what I really want. I am so confused and its hurting me that ive hurt my ex to this extent and making me sick i cant keep him in my life if i admit i have feelings for my friend. I dont know if anyone out there might have had a similar situation to see if it really is possible to stay friends with your ex in this sort of situation. I guess i am hoping it is.
TaraMaiden Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 No, it's not. Not while he still has feelings for you. I believe going back would be a mistake, for two reasons: If he says he can and will change, it will probably be temporary, because it's very difficult for people to change their minds.... secondly, if he does change and it becomes 'permanent' is he doing it because he really wants to or because he wants to keep you (and it's therefore the wrong motive)? Read the "All-New Caliguy No Contact Guide" link in my signature. it's written with the dumped person's well-being in mind, but it gives you, as the dumper, a perspective into why there are certain things you really should avoid doing at all costs. However it may make you feel, your ex's emotional well-being is more important. Respect that.
january2011 Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 After 10 years, what is your ex going to do that he hasn't done already? Agree with TaraMaiden, go NC. With regard to the other guy, have a look at the The Other Man/ Woman threads to get an idea of what you're getting yourself into. He's only been separated from his wife for a few months. Has he even filed for divorce yet? Are they still living together? You are barely out of your LTR. Why not take some time to take a breath before trying to get into another relationship? You need that alone time, at least a year, if not a bit more, just process the ending of the LTR and be emotionally available for the next relationship. If this friend is serious about you, he will wait (he's waited this long, right?) and in the meantime, can file for a divorce. Until you are both available to be in a relationship, you're only setting yourself up for hurt. Especially if your friend doesn't file and ends up reconciling with his wife. 1
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