Someone else likes same guy

[spiderowl]

I've become interested in a guy in my social circle. He's not attached, as far as I know. He's been a bit friendly and I've been friendly back. It seemed that he was making an effort to talk to me. But, I've been feeling very confused because one minute he seems warm and friendly, another distant but polite. I'm about to give up on him and assume he's just not interested but there is another factor and I don't know if it's anything to do with it.

 

I occasionally give a lift to someone I know who goes to the same places. We are not good friends, more like acquaintances who chat sometimes. I know she spent some time with this guy working on a musical performance but they didn't continue this. I didn't think any more of it, but I'm gradually realising she might be keen on him. She seeks him out to talk to him and has mentioned him on occasions. I have never asked her about him or whether her collaboration was more than for a performance, but now I'm wondering. I'm also wondering if this could explain his changeable behaviour towards me. If I am with her he seems distant. On the other hand, I haven't got the feeling he's about to ask me out when she isn't around, just that he's making an effort to chat and be warm. I do feel a spark, I have to admit, but I don't know if it's mutual.

 

I guess I would like to ask what guys think about the situation. I think he must know that this casual friend of mine likes him, even though I've only just realised there might be some tension there that is affecting how he behaves with me when she's around. I don't want to ask her about him because it would be really difficult if I found out they'd dated at some point or that she was in love with him. He's the first guy I've really been interested in in ages! This is an awkward and confusing situation. Have any guys experienced anything akin to this? Any thoughts?

Edited September 10, 2012 by spiderowl

[ja123]

So, in general conversation with, why noy say,"So, what's you're story? Are you single?" If he says yes, then suggest you too meet up for a coffee sometime and offer him your number.

 

Then the ball is in his court and you'll get your answer.

[jobaba]

I've become interested in a guy in my social circle. He's not attached, as far as I know. He's been a bit friendly and I've been friendly back. It seemed that he was making an effort to talk to me. But, I've been feeling very confused because one minute he seems warm and friendly, another distant but polite. I'm about to give up on him and assume he's just not interested but there is another factor and I don't know if it's anything to do with it.

 

I occasionally give a lift to someone I know who goes to the same places. We are not good friends, more like acquaintances who chat sometimes. I know she spent some time with this guy working on a musical performance but they didn't continue this. I didn't think any more of it, but I'm gradually realising she might be keen on him. She seeks him out to talk to him and has mentioned him on occasions. I have never asked her about him or whether her collaboration was more than for a performance, but now I'm wondering. I'm also wondering if this could explain his changeable behaviour towards me. If I am with her he seems distant. On the other hand, I haven't got the feeling he's about to ask me out when she isn't around, just that he's making an effort to chat and be warm. I do feel a spark, I have to admit, but I don't know if it's mutual.

 

I guess I would like to ask what guys think about the situation. I think he must know that this casual friend of mine likes him, even though I've only just realised there might be some tension there that is affecting how he behaves with me when she's around. I don't want to ask her about him because it would be really difficult if I found out they'd dated at some point or that she was in love with him. He's the first guy I've really been interested in in ages! This is an awkward and confusing situation. Have any guys experienced anything akin to this? Any thoughts?

 

Almost every man that you are unilaterally interested in (aka, he has not approached you) will have at least one other woman interested in him if not many.

 

So, yes, that is what you are dealing with. Tell him you like him or grab him and try and kiss him and get it over with. Otherwise, keep fumbling about and being at the mercy of your emotions.

 

-A guy

[spiderowl]

Thanks. Guys always seem to suggest the woman make the first move if she likes someone and yet I don't think that's right. How often does that ever happen - really?

 

What I meant to ask, though I may not have expressed it well, is how would a guy behave if it's true that this woman likes him and he isn't as interested as her? How would that affect me if I happened to be with her on occasions when he was around too? I'm genuinely confused by his changeability.

[jobaba]

Thanks. Guys always seem to suggest the woman make the first move if she likes someone and yet I don't think that's right. How often does that ever happen - really?

 

What I meant to ask, though I may not have expressed it well, is how would a guy behave if it's true that this woman likes him and he isn't as interested as her? How would that affect me if I happened to be with her on occasions when he was around too? I'm genuinely confused by his changeability.

 

If he's the type of guy who is used to female attention, then his reaction will be very blase, unless she's very attractive.

 

For instance, there was a young man in my office who was very attractive. When I told him one of the younger women (who is fairly attractive herself) was into him, his reaction was, "Eh. I'll think about it."

[runner]

If he's the type of guy who is used to female attention, then his reaction will be very blase, unless she's very attractive.

 

For instance, there was a young man in my office who was very attractive. When I told him one of the younger women (who is fairly attractive herself) was into him, his reaction was, "Eh. I'll think about it."

 

true.

 

OP, if there are other women trying to get his attention, you're gonna have to make bold moves and just hope for the best. if you guys don't click, just move on with the fact that you were courageous enough to go for it.

[filani]

If he's the type of guy who is used to female attention, then his reaction will be very blase, unless she's very attractive.

 

For instance, there was a young man in my office who was very attractive. When I told him one of the younger women (who is fairly attractive herself) was into him, his reaction was, "Eh. I'll think about it."

 

@ jobaba

 

I feel you're being unfair to the 'young man' in your office. I feel he was simply taking what you told him with a pinch of salt, for all he knows you might have been blowing smoke up his @$$ and besides If the girl was really into him , what stops her from asking him out? Is she afraid of rejection?

 

@ spiderowl

 

The questions above apply to you as well.

I would rather date a girl who asked me out on a date than the one that just pined away quietly . Be brutally honest with yourself spider' , if this scenario was reversed you would date a guy who asked you out before the one who didn't make a move .

Saying that you are confused about 'his changeability' is just a blatant cop out.... And deep down inside you know it too.

[jobaba]

@ jobaba

 

I feel you're being unfair to the 'young man' in your office. I feel he was simply taking what you told him with a pinch of salt, for all he knows you might have been blowing smoke up his @$$ and besides If the girl was really into him , what stops her from asking him out? Is she afraid of rejection?

 

I have all your answers for this one.

 

The 'young man' in my (previous) office is extremely handsome, and kind of a slacker. A young woman in my office who is of lesser attractiveness (but still attractive) expressed that she was interested in him to me and a couple of other male co-workers. More than one of us told him. His answer was the same to all of us ... "I'll think about it." "Maybe if I'm around long enough"

 

She didn't want to ask him out because she didn't want to face the rejection. She told me that point blank.

[spiderowl]

It's true I don't want to face rejection, but usually I have a clearer idea of how someone feels than this. I hadn't shown interest in him for ages (years) so I can't expect him to suddenly start paying me attention. I just don't think it's a good idea for a female to ask a guy out - if he's not interested enough to ask a woman out in the first place, then what's the point? It would be flogging a dead horse.

[ChatroomHero]

Thanks. Guys always seem to suggest the woman make the first move if she likes someone and yet I don't think that's right. How often does that ever happen - really?

 

What I meant to ask, though I may not have expressed it well, is how would a guy behave if it's true that this woman likes him and he isn't as interested as her? How would that affect me if I happened to be with her on occasions when he was around too? I'm genuinely confused by his changeability.

 

I have had multiple women make the first move and never thought twice about it.

 

I guess because it is very likely you could lose him by playing the waiting game, it's up to you if you are happy to take that chance. Seems like a silly reason to me.

[spiderowl]

I have had multiple women make the first move and never thought twice about it.

 

I guess because it is very likely you could lose him by playing the waiting game, it's up to you if you are happy to take that chance. Seems like a silly reason to me.

 

What happened with those women who made the first move? Are you still with any of them? How long did those relationships last? Just curious.

 

I see waiting for him to feel motivated as a better option.

[The Way I Am]

Every time I've asked a guy out because I thought he was just shy or I wasn't showing enough interest, even if the guy accepted, he continued to show lackluster interest and things went very one-sided.

 

(Which has been enough times that I should be embarrassed I kept doing it for so long.)

[ChatroomHero]

What happened with those women who made the first move? Are you still with any of them? How long did those relationships last? Just curious.

 

I see waiting for him to feel motivated as a better option.

 

One of them I would love to be with but there were other factors. Another is more or less a FWB, and there were two I dated for a bit and it didn't work out but not because they approached me. I recently had another girl that had her friend walk up and give me her number at the bar and it really peaked my interest.

 

I was flattered by the ones that approached me and if anything I think I gave them more of a chance because it was nice to know they were interested and I did not have to chase and wonder and I knew initially they were highly interested and probably would have been more "loving" I guess.

 

Plus I like women who are not too meak to go after what they want, strong confident women are attractive to me.

 

I would just say that guy could be everything you were ever looking for but if you put up silly pretend boundaries and lose him, I don't see how that could ever be a good thing.

 

Sack up woman! It's ok to go after what you really want. Report back here next week how excited you are to go on your first date with him.

[ChatroomHero]

Every time I've asked a guy out because I thought he was just shy or I wasn't showing enough interest, even if the guy accepted, he continued to show lackluster interest and things went very one-sided.

 

(Which has been enough times that I should be embarrassed I kept doing it for so long.)

 

Yeah but if you didn't ask you'd never know and always wonder i bet.

[The Way I Am]

Yeah but if you didn't ask you'd never know and always wonder i bet.

 

Probably not. But I'd have wasted far less time and effort on guys who weren't that interested. I'm talking weeks to months on guys who accepted dates and acted kind of interested in me but not interested enough to put in the effort to make me feel special or want an exclusive relationship. Since I've decided a guy's lack of asking is a good indicator of his lack of interest, I haven't wasted any time pining after guys who haven't asked me out.

 

You're right that some men may like women who go after what they want but when you're a woman who goes after what you want, there's a good chance you'll be doing most of the work, making the plans, and initiating contact in the relationship. Some women like that. Another poster on a recent thread said she does. I didn't.

 

Generally in dating, I hold men and women to the same standards, which is why I thought advice that women shouldn't be the initiator was BS and I kept trying, but my experience proved otherwise. I found if a man doesn't put in the effort to initiate a relationship, he tends not to put in the effort to keep it going.

[FitChick]

Spiderowl, if you've known this guy for years why not ask him in a lighthearted manner, "How long have we known each other?" Wait for his answer, maybe give him a timeframe. "We're of similar ages and attractiveness. How come we've never dated? " I think it's obvious without being too obvious and his answer will let you know where you stand.

[spiderowl]

Thanks for suggestion Fitchick. I've only known him in passing. He's quiet, sometimes said hello but that's it. I don't feel I'm at the stage where I could initiate that kind of conversation; we have only just started talking.

[Forever Learning]

Probably not. But I'd have wasted far less time and effort on guys who weren't that interested. I'm talking weeks to months on guys who accepted dates and acted kind of interested in me but not interested enough to put in the effort to make me feel special or want an exclusive relationship. Since I've decided a guy's lack of asking is a good indicator of his lack of interest, I haven't wasted any time pining after guys who haven't asked me out.

 

You're right that some men may like women who go after what they want but when you're a woman who goes after what you want, there's a good chance you'll be doing most of the work, making the plans, and initiating contact in the relationship. Some women like that. Another poster on a recent thread said she does. I didn't.

 

Generally in dating, I hold men and women to the same standards, which is why I thought advice that women shouldn't be the initiator was BS and I kept trying, but my experience proved otherwise. I found if a man doesn't put in the effort to initiate a relationship, he tends not to put in the effort to keep it going.

 

I tend to agree with this. Then again, keeping this in mind, - nothing ventured, nothing gained.

[The Way I Am]

I tend to agree with this. Then again, keeping this in mind, - nothing ventured, nothing gained.

 

The secret is venturing less overtly for greater gains.

 

 

spiderowl, I avoided offering direct advice to your OP since you asked for guy's opinions, but what the hell...

 

First, what's the situation with the girl acquaintance? If you got together with this guy, would you still have her around a lot potentially complicating things? Is she part of your social circle and you'd still see her fairly often, or is she somebody you wouldn't have to see or speak to ever again?

 

I ask because if it's the former, and you avoid asking her questions about him now, it could be a drama waiting to happen. You might be better off knowing what you're getting into and getting out now rather than walking blindly into a sh*t storm without a pancho. If it's the latter, who cares what happened between them. You don't need to ask.

 

Second, if you really want to know whether this guy is acting distant because she's around, stop bringing her around. Then get your freakin' flirt on and see if the guy asks you out.

[ChatroomHero]

You're right that some men may like women who go after what they want but when you're a woman who goes after what you want, there's a good chance you'll be doing most of the work, making the plans, and initiating contact in the relationship. Some women like that. Another poster on a recent thread said she does. I didn't.

 

This is exactly what men go through their entire dating life when asking any woman out. The point being, yes it sucks, but it is what it is. I don't think the results have much to do specifically with the woman actually initiating, it is the same when anyone initiates.

 

Obviously as a woman if a man initiates with you, the success rate is going to be higher for you because he is the 'for sure' interested party and the burden is on him. But from his perspective his success rate with people he asks out is the same as what you have reported it was for you as a woman.

 

Being an initiator is always going to the risky part of the equation in dating whether man or woman, but because men are historically the ones that do it I think they are just more used to the 10% (or whatever) success rate and lukewarm responses and accept it where a woman might view it as you do, a 90% losing rate "because they initiated instead of the man".

 

Just seems to me the guy is either interested or not, but she is interested so asking him out might be her only chance and she should weigh her interest against her opposition to break tradition.

[Emilia]

Probably not. But I'd have wasted far less time and effort on guys who weren't that interested. I'm talking weeks to months on guys who accepted dates and acted kind of interested in me but not interested enough to put in the effort to make me feel special or want an exclusive relationship. Since I've decided a guy's lack of asking is a good indicator of his lack of interest, I haven't wasted any time pining after guys who haven't asked me out.

 

You're right that some men may like women who go after what they want but when you're a woman who goes after what you want, there's a good chance you'll be doing most of the work, making the plans, and initiating contact in the relationship. Some women like that. Another poster on a recent thread said she does. I didn't.

 

Generally in dating, I hold men and women to the same standards, which is why I thought advice that women shouldn't be the initiator was BS and I kept trying, but my experience proved otherwise. I found if a man doesn't put in the effort to initiate a relationship, he tends not to put in the effort to keep it going.

 

100%

 

A lot of men here with substantial dating experience will tell you OP that a man who is interested will ask you out. If he is not asking you because he is too shy and introverted, can you deal with his communication style in the future? He will be shy about lots of other things.

 

Is he not interested sufficiently? You will be doing all the work.

 

Show him enough interest to let him know you are interested and stop taking your friend around. Other than that, let him do some of the work especially in the beginning.

[The Way I Am]

This is exactly what men go through their entire dating life when asking any woman out.

 

Sorry, but it's not really.

 

Because guys expect to have to ask girls out and not vice versa, here are the only reasons a guy might not ask a girl out if they are interested:

 

• He's not sure she's interested. Which is why girls should clearly show their interest. If a woman is flirting and showing obvious interest but not getting asked out, the guy is either not that interested or the next bullet point.
  
• He's too shy, too uptight, too whatever and the girl who asks him out is going to deal with and navigate around that in the relationship.
  

So if you're a woman asking a guy out, you're almost guaranteed to be asking out a guy who's not that interested or will take a lot of work on the woman's part to maintain the relationship.

 

Women expect to have to give off obvious signals like touching and laughing while leaning in to show their interest. Men expect to have to ask the woman out. Both take a lot of effort for some people and come more naturally to others.

 

Would you advise a guy go after a girl who isn't giving off signals because she might be shy? I wouldn't, because up until about 21-23, I was pretty shy and relationships where one person keeps telling the other "I can't tell if you like me" are frustrating.

 

BTW, a woman who doesn't ask men out is, contrary to popular belief on this forum, not being lazy or taking no risk. For most women, showing interest without looking a fool doesn't come any more naturally than it does for most men. It takes conscious effort to put out signals. It comes with the risk of embarrassment if you're doing it wrong. And it comes with the same risk of rejection. If a girl's been putting her energy into flirting with a guy all night and he doesn't ask her out, she just got rejected.

Edited September 12, 2012 by The Way I Am

[filani]

Sorry, but it's not really.

 

Because guys expect to have to ask girls out and not vice versa, here are the only reasons a guy might not ask a girl out if they are interested:

 

• He's not sure she's interested. Which is why girls should clearly show their interest. If a woman is flirting and showing obvious interest but not getting asked out, the guy is either not that interested or the next bullet point.
  
• He's too shy, too uptight, too whatever and the girl who asks him out is going to deal with and navigate around that in the relationship.
  

So if you're a woman asking a guy out, you're almost guaranteed to be asking out a guy who's not that interested or will take a lot of work on the woman's part to maintain the relationship.

 

Women expect to have to give off obvious signals like touching and laughing while leaning in to show their interest. Men expect to have to ask the woman out. Both take a lot of effort for some people and come more naturally to others.

 

Would you advise a guy go after a girl who isn't giving off signals because she might be shy? I wouldn't, because up until about 21-23, I was pretty shy and relationships where one person keeps telling the other "I can't tell if you like me" are frustrating.

 

BTW, a woman who doesn't ask men out is, contrary to popular belief on this forum, not being lazy or taking no risk. For most women, showing interest without looking a fool doesn't come any more naturally than it does for most men. It takes conscious effort to put out signals. It comes with the risk of embarrassment if you're doing it wrong. And it comes with the same risk of rejection. If a girl's been putting her energy into flirting with a guy all night and he doesn't ask her out, she just got rejected.

 

'Because guys expect to have to ask girls out and not vice versa'

 

 

Really? Uhm.....I'm a guy and I'm pretty sure quite a few of us would disagree with you.

 

 

'So if you're a woman asking a guy out, you're almost guaranteed to be asking out a guy who's not that interested or will take a lot of work on the woman's part to maintain the relationship.'

 

 

Using your own logic I could also say that:

 

If you're a man asking a girl out(pursuing), you're almost guaranteed to be asking out a girl who's not that interested in you or will take a lot of work(jumping through hoops) on the man's part to maintain the relationship.

Do you agree with this statement as well? You should, since it's based on your logic!

 

 

'If a girl's been putting her energy into flirting with a guy all night and he doesn't ask her out, she just got rejected.'

 

 

Hmmm.....lemme paint a scenario for ya

 

 

 

Two girls sitting at a sports bar see a hot guy walk in and grab a seat in front of the TV

Girl-A decides she's gonna send out 'signals' to the guy and goes through the whole 'flirting' routine but hot guy stays right where he is by the bar.

Girl-B calls the waiter and sends a cold drink over to hot guy who is surprised since he knows he hasn't ordered anything .Girl-B gets off her seat, goes over to hot guy,introduces herself and strikes up a light hearted conversation with him. Soon enough she has him laughing with her like they're longtime friends and then they're out the door leaving Girl-A behind.

 

 

Now are you gonna say that Girl-A got rejected? How did she get rejected when she never even made a move?

[The Way I Am]

Really? Uhm.....I'm a guy and I'm pretty sure quite a few of us would disagree with you.

 

Where do you live where guys don't expect to have to ask girls out? Guys may not like to ask girls out, but that's not the same as expecting not to have to.

 

Do you agree with this statement as well? You should, since it's based on your logic!

You're not using my logic. I already said this is one thing where societal standards and expectations make things different for men and women. By my logic, what you've said is not the case.

 

Two girls sitting at a sports bar see a hot guy walk in and grab a seat in front of the TV

Girl-A decides she's gonna send out 'signals' to the guy and goes through the whole 'flirting' routine but hot guy stays right where he is by the bar.

Girl-B calls the waiter and sends a cold drink over to hot guy who is surprised since he knows he hasn't ordered anything .Girl-B gets off her seat, goes over to hot guy,introduces herself and strikes up a light hearted conversation with him. Soon enough she has him laughing with her like they're longtime friends and then they're out the door leaving Girl-A behind.

 

You seem to have the wrong idea about what signals and flirting are. They're not just something you put out from a distance and hope the guy comes to you like you've cast out some magic fishing pole.

 

Let me correct your scenario. (And change it from a hookup to an actual date.)

 

Girl A calls the waiter and sends a cold drink over to hot guy who is surprised since he knows he hasn't ordered anything. Girl A gets off her seat, goes over to hot guy, introduces herself and strikes up a light-hearted conversation with him. Soon enough she has him laughing with her like they're longtime friends but the guy never asks for Girl A's number or to see her again.

 

Girl B does the same things as girl A, but the guy asks for her number or for a date.

 

Both girl A and girl B sent out signals and flirted, but the guy was just not interested in girl A. He was probably just being polite and friendly.

 

Anyway, I think we've exhausted the topic and spiderowl has enough input to make her decision to ask the guy out or not. Unless she asks for more feedback on it, I'm dropping the subject in this thread.

Edited September 12, 2012 by The Way I Am

[ChatroomHero]

Sorry, but it's not really.

"So if you're a woman asking a guy out, you're almost guaranteed to be asking out a guy who's not that interested or will take a lot of work on the woman's part to maintain the relationship."

 

-because I am a guy and interested in girl it has no impact on her interest for me and nothing is guaranteed. How at all is it guaranteed for men? Do you really think we avoid anyone not showing interest in us in some way? We plow ahead and try and make her interested, we don't filter like that.

 

As the guy I have to plan dates to excite her by trying to pull information from her and schedule them and sometimes reschedule and pay for them, put in all the effort to convince her to give me a try, take the chance, deal with potential embarrassment. All the work you speak of.

 

"Women expect to have to give off obvious signals like touching and laughing while leaning in to show their interest. Men expect to have to ask the woman out. Both take a lot of effort for some people and come more naturally to others.

"

-Loveshack is a good example of how women's obvious signals are only 3.2% accurately read by guys, but there is only a .01% he will recognize them as signals in the first place. By the way, we are not talking about approaching men or women showing clear interest, that is another discussion. We are talking about more or less a cold approach with a casual acquaintance.

 

"Would you advise a guy go after a girl who isn't giving off signals because she might be shy? I wouldn't, because up until about 21-23, I was pretty shy and relationships where one person keeps telling the other "I can't tell if you like me" are frustrating."

 

-Only if he ever wants to get laid.

Basically you seem to be trying to say that approaching a person that has not really indicated interest one way or the other is a good gamble for men. Men's chances in approaching women in a situation like the OPs (no clear sign) is the same as a womans, very low.

 

As men we know it sucks that the alternative to the mortally high failure rate involves jergen's lotion and the internet. We are probably more driven and less likely to avoid the rejection because we're tired of buying lotion all the time at Rite Aid when the same clerk cashes us out.

 

I don't think you realize how many times men fail, you assume they only take calculated risks and never ask out someone that is not showing interest. Let's guess the shy pretty girl gets asked out 50 times and may choose 1 guy, maybe.

 

The shy good looking guy in the same time frame might get asked out once or twice. We fail at a rate of 49-1.