NC 40 days and Im growing

[tcast5000]

Its been 40 days since the breakup and I have grown a lot since then. I have come to see the breakup as meaning to happen and has viewed it as a positive experience in my life. I've been exercising consistently and plan to do a triathlon in a year. Im changing my diet to eat more oatmeal for breakfast with a salad for lunch and a normal dinner. I am relearning how to drive, cook, play piano, read music. I gave up playing video games and havent played since the breakup. I feel more confident, relaxed and happy and Im only gonna get better. I am actually grateful for the breakup and am thinking of writing a letter to my ex saying I agree with her and thank her for it.

My ex I think is having a harder time letting go and she is the dumper. She has told a mutual friend of ours not to talk about me in front of her. She has also told another friend not to hang around her because she doesnt want to be around boys. There was an incident where I needed her address to send her her mail and asked her for it online but she never responded. She is taking NC to an extreme and Im actually concerned for her well-being. I wonder if she's doing this because she still has feelings, or guilt or is just having a hard time letting go, or just wants nothing to do with me right now I dont know. But I just want her to be happy and hope she is growing like how I am. This is my intepretation what do you guys think?

[oracle]

Good for you..

 

So thats your interpretation...

 

How much of what you are doing is really for you or what you want?

 

OR

 

Is a lot of this based on :

 

(a) Seeming more attractive to her.. ie excercise and diet changes, learning to drive (looking independant)

 

(b) Addressing issues she bitched about ... ie video games, not having a drivers license etc.

 

Wanting to write her a letter to thank her? oh please. You just wanna rub it in her face that you are projecting the image of doing fine. NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT, just be honest about it. lol

 

"She is taking NC to an extreme and Im actually concerned for her well-being. I wonder if she's doing this because she still has feelings, or guilt or is just having a hard time letting go, or just wants nothing to do with me right now I dont know. But I just want her to be happy and hope she is growing like how I am."

 

The fact that any of that matters means that you are far from over it. And thats fine, cause its a long process, and you don't really fully move on until you find someone you like just a little bit more.

 

So thats my take.

 

Im here to play devils advocate and make people look at the reality. cause we are good at bull****ting ourselves.

 

Trust me.. I played all the same games. Lived with my ex for two years post break up while we sold off assets and businesses and prepared to liquidate the house. For me it was a race to the finish to see who could move on faster. I dated, had boyfriends. id bike 26kms every few days. I worked out. **** i never did before.

 

In the end.. its not a race, nobody wins. It just is.

 

The bottom line though is your are happy. So many people wallow in it on here and they seem to love doing it cause you see them posting the same stuff OVER AND OVER AND OVER...

 

Keep on growing... and don't worry about her. She isn't your problem anymore.

[blue_jay_bird]

First it's great to hear your not feeling like crap, and your taking it as a positive experience. But you have to ask your self if your doing these things cause your ex complained about them. Are you deep down trying to prove to your ex your fine, and improved. 40 day's is too soon to say. KEEP WORKING HARD.

 

Yeah i felt on top of the world at 40 NC. I did all the things you have done. Think he was right, that i forgot to take care of myself, and was glad woke me up to it. THEN I realized I was faking it all, i was deep down doing it for the ex, not myself. I guess i have no advice, just try talking to people in person about how you feel. Cause your working on the physical but if you don't work on the emotionally it will not work out.

[Jono85]

Good for you..

 

So thats your interpretation...

 

How much of what you are doing is really for you or what you want?

 

OR

 

Is a lot of this based on :

 

(a) Seeming more attractive to her.. ie excercise and diet changes, learning to drive (looking independant)

 

(b) Addressing issues she bitched about ... ie video games, not having a drivers license etc.

 

Wanting to write her a letter to thank her? oh please. You just wanna rub it in her face that you are projecting the image of doing fine. NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT, just be honest about it. lol

 

"She is taking NC to an extreme and Im actually concerned for her well-being. I wonder if she's doing this because she still has feelings, or guilt or is just having a hard time letting go, or just wants nothing to do with me right now I dont know. But I just want her to be happy and hope she is growing like how I am."

 

The fact that any of that matters means that you are far from over it. And thats fine, cause its a long process, and you don't really fully move on until you find someone you like just a little bit more.

 

So thats my take.

 

Im here to play devils advocate and make people look at the reality. cause we are good at bull****ting ourselves.

 

Trust me.. I played all the same games. Lived with my ex for two years post break up while we sold off assets and businesses and prepared to liquidate the house. For me it was a race to the finish to see who could move on faster. I dated, had boyfriends. id bike 26kms every few days. I worked out. **** i never did before.

 

In the end.. its not a race, nobody wins. It just is.

 

The bottom line though is your are happy. So many people wallow in it on here and they seem to love doing it cause you see them posting the same stuff OVER AND OVER AND OVER...

 

Keep on growing... and don't worry about her. She isn't your problem anymore.

 

quite a lot of truth in this post.

 

i'm not trying to be a debbie downer OP but u are in some denial, and that's ok. but try not to get down on urself when days come where u feel right back to square one and depressed, angry, crushed, etc etc. there's no formula for it all; one day u feel on top of the world, don't think about her at all, and get laid by a hottie. the next day ur balling ur eyes out in ur pillow in the dark wondering how the heck ur ex hasn't been contacting u or whether or not u ever meant anything to her, etc.

 

i'm beginning to believe the oracle when she says u never fully get over ur ex until u find someone u GENUINELY think is better. until then, some ppl cover it in better ways, but we're all quietly suffering. obviously some more than others.

[tcast5000]

thanks for the comments

Edited September 10, 2012 by tcast5000

[spaniard]

Wow!

 

I'm shocked. We are exactly the same boat right now. Even the 40 days is correct (ok, +1 week).

 

You got some tough replies here, there are some truth in them, but honestly, I think you are doing great.

 

I myself do the same. Hitting the gym seems a common solution for guys in this situation, and it DOES help. You could either stay at home mourning your loss or do something and try healing actively.

 

My ex has had also a very difficult time. I told my friends not to tell me anything about her, but I do know that she has been going through a difficult time. However, I know it has nothing to do with me.

 

You also need to accept that it's over, she is never coming back. Girls tend to mourn a relationship even when they are not in love at all.

 

Yes, I also started working out like crazy because of her. But she was only the trigger - I always respected physical fitness, and now it's a great feeling that I'm looking so much better now even after 2 months. Yes, we may start things like this because of our exes, but STILL it is the best solution.

 

tcast5000, if you want, you can add me as a friend or something, maybe we can share our thoughts and find new ideas how to deal with the loss.

[tcast5000]

wow thanks for the response. Yes exercise and making changes has been very therapeutic for me which unfortunately the other responders dont understand. Besides im not mourning anymore Im thriving because Im finding myself again. Sure I miss her and love her but its not a loss for me anymore Im actually gaining, gaining my life back and I just wanted to share that but unfortunately these other responders dont understand. I would love to add you as a friend.

[geegirl]

I commend you on your efforts to work on yourself but there's much truth to Oracle's post.

 

As much as we go about feeling that we're over the break-up and very much moving forward, these thoughts that you are having about sending her a thank you and questioning her dealings with NC is an indication that you aren't completely over the break-up. You want to tell her because you want her to eat crow. It would sound bitter to thank someone for breaking up with you rather than your ex saying to herself, "Wow, that was so nice of him to thank me." If an ex did that to me, I'd roll my eyes and believe that he was still hung up about it, trying so hard to prove his worth. You want to sound attractive to her. Don't do it. No one thanks an ex for a break up unless they want to subtly rub it in their face.

 

You "think" your ex is having a harder time with NC. Maybe she is, maybe she isn't. But that is not your issue or one that you need to ponder on. It could just be that it's bruised her ago and not for any other reason. There is no need for you to decipher her actions because you need to justify your feelings. Unless she tells you I am struggling with NC because we are not together, it would be best not to feed yourself with assumptions. It goes against your journey to heal and move on. It keeps you picking at the scab.

 

Her happiness is not your concern, at least for now. Her growth shouldn't be of question or of any comparison to you and your need to do so.

 

She may be your ex, she may be someone you still love but your journey to healing should be personal to you and it should be without any distractions. Announcing it to her to receive some sort of reaction or validation is counter-productive nor is worrying if her dealings with NC is somewhat tied to you.

 

Focus on yourself. Forty days is not much time at all on the healing radar to have complete trust in your feelings/thoughts/motivations and whether you are reacting for the right reasons. Give yourself six months to a year and then see how you feel. You will most likely not even care to let her know how great your life is, because you will be too busy LIVING it, or to even care if she's growing.

 

Good job on your efforts. It looks like you're doing great for yourself. Keep up the good work!

Edited September 10, 2012 by geegirl

[oracle]

wow thanks for the response. Yes exercise and making changes has been very therapeutic for me which unfortunately the other responders dont understand. Besides im not mourning anymore Im thriving because Im finding myself again. Sure I miss her and love her but its not a loss for me anymore Im actually gaining, gaining my life back and I just wanted to share that but unfortunately these other responders dont understand. I would love to add you as a friend.

 

No I understand completely. It is therapeutic 100% and its good for you.

 

BUT...

 

like I have said, Im about 726 days ahead of you on this. I have come through some situations FAR MORE complicated that many of you ever will. I have done every scenario, went through all the stages, adjusted my beliefs system. Then I stood back.. WAY BACK and looked at the entire process and analyzed everything. It taught me not only about people, the way we interact, relationships, but life in general and expectations attatchments etc.

 

The motivation is what I was questioning.

 

When you make a 180 degree turn and change everything about yourself... Start excercising, change what you eat, drop the video games, man up and learn to drive, immediately after being dumped it is for one reason and 1 reason only....

 

To make yourself more attractive. (most likely to your ex) The fact that you are comparing back to her and how she is doing, and wanted a thank you letter is only further proof that you want her to KNOW that you are making these positive changes for yourself and hope that she will want to take notice.

 

The bottom line is you can bull**** yourself all you like.... but you can't bull**** me, because I have been there and done that.

 

Im not trying to be a prick and burst your bubble. I think the option you took is the best of the 3 possible scenarios. (Do Nothing, Crash and Burn, or show them and do way better)

 

But, when it comes to really MOVING ON, we do ourselves a diservice when we don't look reality sqaure in the face when it comes to analyzing our actions. Also, people who stroke your ego without addressing the issue DEEP DOWN don't do you any favours either. I was there, I didn't want to hear anything from anyone that didn't jive with how i saw things.

 

So there we go.. I understand.. all to well.

Edited September 10, 2012 by oracle

[oracle]

quite a lot of truth in this post.

 

 

i'm beginning to believe the oracle when she says u never fully get over ur ex until u find someone u GENUINELY think is better. until then, some ppl cover it in better ways, but we're all quietly suffering. obviously some more than others.

 

Hahaha thanks... Im a "HE" though

[tcast5000]

I guess I was just grateful for the changes that are happening in my life. I know I cant win her back with all the changes letter or no letter, she is gone. If the changes attract her fine, if it doesnt it will attract someone new. Doesnt matter. What matters is that Im changing, im growing, I feel more whole. The breakup changed me its helped me see whats important in life and my counselor even agreed chaos breeds growth. It doesnt matter if I attract her or not eventually the changes will attract someone but mostly the changes are for me. Im learning to love myself again. Sure I want her back but I cant make her love me, no matter what I do. Yes I love her, yes I miss her but nothing will bring her back the letter wont bring her back, my changes wont bring her back, nothing will. All I wanted was to thank her thank her for being in my life, thank her for her choice because she saw something I didnt see and made the best choice for both of us, and Im grateful because Im growing now. Thats it. The letter will never win her over, never make her feel more attracted to me because her love is not there. How can it?