i have issues..

[skyisfalling]

Considering this is a place where I can post anonymously and have real people give advice I wanted to let you know what you guys think about my "issue." For the past 10 years (i'm currently 29) I've been in relationships.. one right after another. I had maybe a couple of months in between relationships but I recall I haven't been single for very long. During these relationships, which lasted an average of 2 years, I've either cheated on them or sabotage the relationship in some way. I hate monotony and everytime I feel like the relationship hit a "plateau" where things are consistently the same and comfort sinks in, I get very antsy and I search for something "exciting" which causes me to cheat or "live in the moment" so I could escape the boring mundane relationship. Finding a relationship, or finding someone who takes interest in me isn't hard or difficult and since I thrive on attention I find it easy for me to get into a new relationships very easily.

 

I wouldn't consider myself a commitment phobe because I thrive on relationships. I long and crave the intimacy and connection that people in relationships have, but I get so "bored" after awhile and look for the next best thing. It's been a pattern like this and it wasn't until recently when I got into a relationship with someone and he ended up dumping me first which made me realize that I have a lot of issues I need to deal with. I've been working with a therapist on this but he and I are both lost as to what this may be.

 

So LS, I'm being brutally honest with my so called "problem" and I hope to gain some insight into as what you all think about this. I'm a little frustrated with this "problem" i have and I long for a normal happy life with a husband who adores me as much as I adore him and 3 children with our 2 dogs.. but I can't seem to stay in a relationship. Advice?

[weallfalldown]

Hi. Sounds like you need serious therapy. You've obviously ruined a few person's lives at some point, and just had it fired right back at you. Your problems are way too deep for anyone on here to help....get REAL help, not ADVICE,.....you'll end up a complete mess otherwise.

[minee]

i'm not going to judge you skyisfalling but I will say put in my input. Maybe you are one of those people who have an addiction to love. Simply Put, Love Addiction. It's when you become addicted to feeling in love.Do you feel alive when you first enter relationships? I had a friend who had this problem. Please look it up, Love Addiction. Let me PM you with some details regarding this.

 

Please dont be frustrated, I dont judge you. I feel for your pain as my friend went through something similar. Keep your head up, and remember that you are NOT a bad person. I commend you for being so open as a lot of people will never admit it.

[Titanwolf]

Oh I know exactly how you feel. The thought of being domesticated, or trapped into a never ending routine, used to make me depressed. In fact, it was during my first relationship when I realized that I get bored very easily (but I never cheated) and I'm not cut out for day-in day out relationship stuff. Here's what I do with my girl now. When that feeling begins to arise, I have to take time away from her, or I'll begin to get edgy with her. You know, absence makes the heart grow fonder and all that jazz. If you give yourself time to realize what you're missing, when you go back, you'll feel "renewed" at least for a while until it strikes again. It's good to have a little freedom in a relationship without feeling like there's something you have to always be doing with someone, day after day after day after...

 

If you don't return to him, well I guess it wasn't meant to be. There's no reason to cheat though. That's the path of least resistance. AKA, the coward's path.

[weallfalldown]

i think it runs a bit deeper than that, the op's talking one relationship after the other, and gods knows how many?.....you should have some experience by now, and this is the worrying factor..

[minee]

we all fall down, I dont think you should necessarily be harsh on OP. This person came on the forum to ask for advice. skyisfalling, it is good that you are seeing a therapist and admitting you have a problem.

 

I wasn't able to PM you but I wanted to let you know that my friend had the same problem and he was able to work himself out after many hard efforts of working on himself and it is a long process but it can be done. Here is the article I wanted you to take a look at, 35 Characteristics of a Relationship Addict, Christian Marriage Articles - Growthtrac

 

take a look and see if it helps you. God bless.

[Hayley30]

Maybe you're just not at the point in life where you want to settle down? I'm sure you'll get there eventually.

[udolipixie]

In my opinion this isn't an issue rather seems like seeking variety no different than how often men claim they can't help looking or it's in their nature to spread their seed.

 

Perhaps try having him role play to keep the excitement or project fantasies of another man onto him.

 

Probably suited to see if he adores you enough to have an open marriage where you can get a variety.

 

Possibly better suited to cheat and keep him unaware while esnuring you don't get pregnant from your loves.

[kaylan]

^Very unwise advice. Do not listen to this poster and do something like cheating. It will only make things worse. I cant even believe someone would advise doing that. As if that wouldnt cause more negative issues =/

Edited September 10, 2012 by kaylan

[minee]

im curious to know how its going skyisfalling. I've been following your breakup thread from awhile back and you were such a big help to me a couple months ago. Can you update us?

[2.50 a gallon]

This might be a little long, but perhaps you can get some insight.

 

I too had a similar problem when I was in my 20's, made worse being as I was the only male amongst a dozen grand kids capable of passing on the family name, I also faced a lot of family pressure to fall in love and make babies.

 

And this was made even worse, in that by nature I am very picky about my love partners. Physically they had to be just so so, or I could generate no interest in them.

 

However like you I did have the tools that made getting into new relationships rather easy. Looking back I now see that in a way I was a player, a new sexy bod would cross my path and I would be in pursuit. And each and every time after a length of time the love word would start to appear, I would begin to get bored, and realize that this was not what I was looking, and it would not be long before I was with someone new. It seemed to be a never ending cycle so that around age 27, I remember developing the thought of "Why can't I fall in love?"

 

Part of it was our lack of common interests. Example the cowgirl I hooked up with, while I was off racing on weekends, she was off rodeoing.

 

Another gal was way too submissive. She was totally at my beck and call.

 

And then there was the nurse, we lasted for a good six months, my mom and sister took notice, the three of them became sometimes shopping buddies. And began to plot for possible nuptials.

 

But she had one fatal flaw and that was she worked in the cancer ward and nightly when we talked about our day at work, all she could talk about was sick and dieing people. I was young and did not need to hear that every day.

 

And then I met what could have been the love of my life. She was totally out of my league, had several boyfriends, and to begin was not attracted to me. However, even though it took awhile to get a date with her, she very quickly fell deeply in love with me and for the first time I was in love. This was a no doubter she was everything I wanted in a woman, lover, wife and mother of my children, and even grandmother to my grandkids, so naturally we began to make plans for getting married.

 

Then from out of nowhere, I blew up at her for something very minor. A week later it happened again. and this time the argument got so bad she walked out on me. After cooling off, I saw myself as an idiot, it was all my fault, and went to get her back. We reconciled, and it was great all over again. Until six months later, I did it again. It was harder to get her back this time. But again I won. Searching my soul, I realized that I was divided half of me wanted to marry her and half of me wanted her to go away for 5 years, and come back when I was done seeding my wild oats.

And yes I had already cheated on her a few times.

 

I was an infatuation junkie. I liked the pursuit, I liked the infatuation high I would get when I was with a new lover, and that was the reason that I was starting fights, I would drive her away, then get a new infatuation high when I reeled her back in.

 

I liked falling in love more than I liked being in love.

 

Does that sound familiar

[skyisfalling]

Thanks for the replies. Minee, thank you for your concern, although I'm not sure if I'm a relationship addict, maybe ill look into it.

 

2.50 a gallon, your story resonated with my life. I felt what you were saying and yes, in many ways, that is how I feel. Maybe it is the infatuation high, when I was younger, I chalked it up to wanting more experience, but now that I'm hitting close to 30, I feel like this is an entirely different issue. So how did you manage? id like more insight on your story.

[2.50 a gallon]

Glad to, but this might be long, as some of the details are important

 

Once I figured out why I was starting stupid fights, I was able to control myself and the fights ended. But I was still conflicted, half and half, I knew what I had, but turned into a commitment phobe, and after 3 years of never purchasing the wedding rings or setting a date, she walked out on me, and this time there was no coming back. I was about age 30

 

I was at first heartbroken, but about this same time the disco craze hit big time, and I liked to dance. Lots of young sexy ladies, drinking and shaking their booties to a sexy beat, I was in heaven, and no longer having to try to remain true to the Ex. Lots of ONS, took away a lot of the hurt, but could not at first fill that hole in my soul. To make up for that I became a real player, my apartment was party central.

 

This in turn got me kicked out of my all adult complex. I then moved into another large complex, that was mixed with families. I went right back to partying, but this time on a lesser scale. There I met my future wife. She moved in with her mother, was only 20, but was definite fold out material. She was also a partier and within 15 minutes of us meeting was making an application to be one of my party girls. I thought her to be too young, and chided her for being a loser college drop out. With her great looks, she had never had a guy turn her sexual advances down, and this to her was like throwing gasolene on a fire. And only made her more determined, she went back to school and within 2 years had gotten her college degree, and being as we had been living together for a year, now wanted to get married.

 

I was now 35, getting older quick, I also felt slightly obligated as i had pushed her hard to grow up and get her degree. It was time for me to take my own advice and grow up.

 

I was not in love with her, until I saw my bride walking down the aisle to take her vows with me. They say a leapord can't change its spots, thankfully I was not a leapord as I changed from a partier to a loving husband and future father by the time we had finished the ceremony. That hole in my soul left by the Ex-fiance was filled, I was totally in love with my bride. It was like I was reborn into a totally new world of new possibilites I had never thought of. We could have kids, I could teach them how to play baseball, fish, ride bikes. I have always been big on celebrating the holidays, now it would be even better, as I would be able to share it with my kids. I had never felt this great in years.

 

Life took on a whole new meaning, it was special, and I had someone special to share it with, I was really in love. My old ways looked childish and stupid.

Edited September 19, 2012 by 2.50 a gallon
misspellings

[LittlePrince]

Considering this is a place where I can post anonymously and have real people give advice I wanted to let you know what you guys think about my "issue." For the past 10 years (i'm currently 29) I've been in relationships.. one right after another. I had maybe a couple of months in between relationships but I recall I haven't been single for very long. During these relationships, which lasted an average of 2 years, I've either cheated on them or sabotage the relationship in some way. I hate monotony and everytime I feel like the relationship hit a "plateau" where things are consistently the same and comfort sinks in, I get very antsy and I search for something "exciting" which causes me to cheat or "live in the moment" so I could escape the boring mundane relationship. Finding a relationship, or finding someone who takes interest in me isn't hard or difficult and since I thrive on attention I find it easy for me to get into a new relationships very easily.

 

I wouldn't consider myself a commitment phobe because I thrive on relationships. I long and crave the intimacy and connection that people in relationships have, but I get so "bored" after awhile and look for the next best thing. It's been a pattern like this and it wasn't until recently when I got into a relationship with someone and he ended up dumping me first which made me realize that I have a lot of issues I need to deal with. I've been working with a therapist on this but he and I are both lost as to what this may be.

 

So LS, I'm being brutally honest with my so called "problem" and I hope to gain some insight into as what you all think about this. I'm a little frustrated with this "problem" i have and I long for a normal happy life with a husband who adores me as much as I adore him and 3 children with our 2 dogs.. but I can't seem to stay in a relationship. Advice?

There is no problem. Some aren't capable of monogamy.

[backonthemarket]

Wow, this is an interesting thread.

 

Sky is falling, remember that you're still young! You're not damaged goods at all; you're still figuring it out.

 

I struggled with the idea of longterm relationships after my own marriage fell apart. I thought, "What are you supposed to DO together after the conversation and sex run out?" I still don't know the answer entirely, but I'm pretty sure that something deeper kicks in if you allow yourselves to connect on that OTHER level.

 

One possibility here is that you haven't met the right guy yet. Another is that you still have unrealistic expectations of how a relationship is supposed to be longterm. Or, you are afraid of how it would be longterm (perhaps because of something you saw with your parents?), so you bolt before it reaches that point. Or, you have some kind of fear of death or getting old?

 

There are obviously a lot of possible explanations for your behavior, but I don't think you're ultra weird or incapable of monogamy. You may not be ready to settle down. 30 is not 80, so the sky is not actually falling here! Heck, I'm 36 and just broke up with someone, but even I recognize that I'm not "single for a reason". People who have been in long relationships aren't necessarily more evolved. The only reason why I was in a 10 year marriage was because I was too chicken to get out.

[Ninjainpajamas]

To 2.50 a gallon...I appreciate your honest and story, although to be honest I question the long-term potential of the relationship being that she is so young and inexperienced and your true genuine emotions suddenly changing.

 

However that's just an honest assessment from my perspective, as far as you falling in love with this woman and seeing a future could be a real game changer in itself for you..it would be interesting to see If that point of view or emotion resonating with you in the long-term If so, that would be surprising and interesting to know what actually made you click on over to the "dark-side" of being settled down and married.

...

 

Skyisfalling...

 

It can be really hard letting people in to who you really are and letting them touch you (in a non-perverted way) emotionally and intimately. Those beginning emotions can feel so good and exciting but you always worry and wonder how long it last, so instead you keep them at a arms length emotionally, and instead of being open to it you look for excuses to detach and tell yourself that you don't really love that person and that person really doesn't love you, because the person they feel in love with wasn't really you, so how can you respect or honor them for that?..but maybe It's you who can't love yourself enough to ever let yourself trust that someone really loves you.

 

Sure it's easy to hear people say things "I love you", and "I feel like I could love you forever" but imagine If you had to actually live that? Imagine If you couldn't just walk away when you wanted to or detach when you felt the moment was right...maybe it's the calm and monotonous feeling that makes you feel so vulnerable because you can't really hide who you are anymore and how you truly feel? things cannot be covered in the rush of emotions, intensity or just sheer newness and excitement anymore, maybe that's just a secret you aren't really willing to share with someone..it's not that it's always monotonous...It's because It scared so much to ever love someone that much because you've set it up so high and avoided that experience the fall feels so great and shattering, paralyzing and greater than death itself.

 

Because you thrive on relationships means you have a capacity and desire to be monogamous and love...but at some point your fears take over and scare you out of a situation, to fear that love starring you down...seeing right through you because you have to be "real" and "genuine" at some point. When you really find someone you really care about and love you can easily feel rejected If they don't give you everything you desire...when you find someone you don't really care about you don't really mind that because they're fulfilling your needs in other ways, they are making you feel validated and special in the meantime until you can find that real man you will love and want to have a life with and babies...but that man or image is out of reach because nobody feels perfect enough and you don't trust yourself with the men you feel that way with enough to expose yourself to a truly vulnerable state...instead you make baby steps and feel these are grand steps of huge vulnerability which are only recognizable to you because you are so vulnerable.

 

You're not a bad person, but your issues have a greater power over you because of the fear than yourself can truly be represented as, your true self. Behind the facade, the smoke and mirrors in all of us is a truly fearful and vulnerable person...someone who really just wants something simple. We just live our lives complicated like because we're too afraid to do the hard work and fix ourselves but that feels like the end of the world....but without putting yourself out there, your heart to be broken, your pain to be real and present instead of hiding it without another distraction or person..then you won't ever be the woman you truly want to be and the farther away this life that you want will be...in time you may change and grow and become tired, everyone has a different moment of enlightenment...you have to trust when you'll know when that moment is right and in the meantime work on yourself as best and realistically as possible, trying little by little to do the right thing more and more.

[kassy]

Only read the OP, but maybe you don't know when to end a relationship?

 

Some relationships run their course faster than others. Maybe you fear being single? Maybe you pick the wrong guys? I'd take a break from dating and do a bit of thinking, what happened to make you feel bored/trapped or whatever it was? How excited are you about your own life as an individual? Do you need to get more things/people/hobbies interests of your own?

 

Just some thoughts.

[todreaminblue]

Considering this is a place where I can post anonymously and have real people give advice I wanted to let you know what you guys think about my "issue." For the past 10 years (i'm currently 29) I've been in relationships.. one right after another. I had maybe a couple of months in between relationships but I recall I haven't been single for very long. During these relationships, which lasted an average of 2 years, I've either cheated on them or sabotage the relationship in some way. I hate monotony and everytime I feel like the relationship hit a "plateau" where things are consistently the same and comfort sinks in, I get very antsy and I search for something "exciting" which causes me to cheat or "live in the moment" so I could escape the boring mundane relationship. Finding a relationship, or finding someone who takes interest in me isn't hard or difficult and since I thrive on attention I find it easy for me to get into a new relationships very easily.

 

I wouldn't consider myself a commitment phobe because I thrive on relationships. I long and crave the intimacy and connection that people in relationships have, but I get so "bored" after awhile and look for the next best thing. It's been a pattern like this and it wasn't until recently when I got into a relationship with someone and he ended up dumping me first which made me realize that I have a lot of issues I need to deal with. I've been working with a therapist on this but he and I are both lost as to what this may be.

 

So LS, I'm being brutally honest with my so called "problem" and I hope to gain some insight into as what you all think about this. I'm a little frustrated with this "problem" i have and I long for a normal happy life with a husband who adores me as much as I adore him and 3 children with our 2 dogs.. but I can't seem to stay in a relationship. Advice?

 

 

I spent a lot of time on my children and animals i figured out after a break up and a few dating experiences i was pretty messed up i needed to concentrate on my kids its been a long time since i have dated anyone.My last relationship lasted nearly sixteen years.....the one before that nearly which takes me into my teens before i was actually single......so i took five or six years off thought about becoming a nun moving to africa to feed the kids helped some people out felt my life was over and that i was eighty years old....wanted to write dark poetry, taken medication that messed with my head, had intensive therapy....and now i am here with still not every answer i have ever asked for.But

 

i have faith and hope acceptance and understanding.I have always had faith that there is happiness for me just waiting for me to find it

 

i found and have always have found happiness in myself by being as positive as i can be.....then accepting when i cant be positive now I have found someone i have strong feelings for not something i was looking for

or thought i needed in my life but it seems i do.

 

its been an enlightening experience and continues to be enlightening whether or not this is my time remains to be seen i have hope thats all i can say i cant predict what will be

 

 

it does mean that i can give love because i have it to give to the right person though so there is no negative outcome....a sad outcome maybe or one that rocks my world.....its part of love isnt it? that not knowing the roller coaster the could bes the possibilities and most of all the risk.......lucky i have faith to back me up.....you need time and you need to not be looking for it when love kicks your butt from behind saying to you" hey remember me"?

I'M BAAAAAAAAAAAAACK BE AFRAID....LOL..... seriously take some time go see your kids play sport fall in love with music again, see some things even if they are little you want to see.....enjoy your puppies and when love kicks your butt when you least expect it.... welcome it back....smilin....good luck.....deb

[bobsmith76]

Considering this is a place where I can post anonymously and have real people give advice I wanted to let you know what you guys think about my "issue." For the past 10 years (i'm currently 29) I've been in relationships.. one right after another. I had maybe a couple of months in between relationships but I recall I haven't been single for very long. During these relationships, which lasted an average of 2 years, I've either cheated on them or sabotage the relationship in some way. I hate monotony and everytime I feel like the relationship hit a "plateau" where things are consistently the same and comfort sinks in, I get very antsy and I search for something "exciting" which causes me to cheat or "live in the moment" so I could escape the boring mundane relationship. Finding a relationship, or finding someone who takes interest in me isn't hard or difficult and since I thrive on attention I find it easy for me to get into a new relationships very easily.

 

I wouldn't consider myself a commitment phobe because I thrive on relationships. I long and crave the intimacy and connection that people in relationships have, but I get so "bored" after awhile and look for the next best thing. It's been a pattern like this and it wasn't until recently when I got into a relationship with someone and he ended up dumping me first which made me realize that I have a lot of issues I need to deal with. I've been working with a therapist on this but he and I are both lost as to what this may be.

 

So LS, I'm being brutally honest with my so called "problem" and I hope to gain some insight into as what you all think about this. I'm a little frustrated with this "problem" i have and I long for a normal happy life with a husband who adores me as much as I adore him and 3 children with our 2 dogs.. but I can't seem to stay in a relationship. Advice?

 

You're already on the road to a normal life. You've admitted you have a problem, you want to change and you're seeing a therapist. That's the first step. It should just be a matter of time before you get things worked out. Just be patient and in three years or so you will see progress.

[spiderowl]

Sounds like you seek excitement and the high it gives you. Mundane, ordinary life doesn't offer than and many would be glad, but you aren't.

 

I don't know what kind of life you had as a child but if it was full of drama and change, maybe that seems normal to you and you are always trying to recreate it. Maybe a peaceful life seems abnormal as a result.

 

Only you can stop yourself doing what you are doing. There are people who seem to be risk-takers from being young. They are often impulsive and have strong urges to act, then have to deal with the outcome afterwards.

 

I suppose all you can do is to continue to ask why and think about what exactly it is that you focus on and seek. You say 'the next best thing' but what is that exactly? A guy, money, thrills, danger? Why don't you want to seek peace and relaxation, for example?

 

Good luck with this. At least you've realised how it's affecting you and how it must be damaging for others too.