What is the main point of NC - to heal, to annoy the dumper or win them back?

[JSJS]

This Q&A is excellent I think - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/281193-all-new-no-contact-thread#post3439031

 

I tried NC for a few weeks a while back, was accused of sulking, eventually responded to her messages, gave in to her request to stay friends and eventually was treated like crap same as last time. I'm a fool I know but I have learned.

 

I'm going to follow these rules this time so I can move on - for me. I'm not doing it to annoy her, I just want to get on with my life now. I've made my mind up to ignore any messages this time if it happens.

 

Is it wrong to ignore someone who is trying to contact you?

If I get messages should I ignore them or reply saying "Leave me alone"?

Do people use NC to win their ex back?

[Spark1111]

They might use NC to get their x back, but that is passive agressive behavior and highly manipulative.

 

NC is to heal yourself and not allow yourself to be hurt or manipulated by someone when the relationship has either ended or should end, or you are being used, or you have just discovered your SO has been cheating on you.

 

It is hard to be objective about someone or their actions when you have had a romantic, emotional connection with them.

 

It hurts to have it end, and every time you have contact, at least initially, it is like ripping the bandaid off of the wound all over again.

 

So while you try to process your feelings, NC equals NO new hurts. It creates a boundary by which you can figure out how you feel and what you want to do about those feelings.

 

Think about it. Your xGF insulted you to become her friend. Why? Especially when she proved to be a terrible friend.

 

Because it made her feel better about breaking up with you. IF she could convince you to be her to be friend, well, then what she did wasn't so bad because "See, we're still friends."

 

But she really wasn't your friend, was she? She treated you like crap once again. But she now could feel better about it.

 

Next time you could say, I'm not ready to be your friend right now. I will contact you if someday I could envision us being friends after you ended our romantic relationship.

 

THEN, you ignore. Ignore it all. And if it still keeps coming at you, block, delete and ignore.

 

That's NC.

[JSJS]

But she really wasn't your friend, was she? She treated you like crap once again. But she now could feel better about it.

 

Next time you could say, I'm not ready to be your friend right now. I will contact you if someday I could envision us being friends after you ended our romantic relationship.

 

THEN, you ignore. Ignore it all. And if it still keeps coming at you, block, delete and ignore.

 

That's NC.

 

Thanks Spark1111 - that's what I thought and you have summed it up perfectly. I doubt if I'll be contacted but I want to be ready and will use your suggestion.

[soccerrprp]

JSJS,

 

Everyone's situation is different. Those rules you found are pretty good, but not solid in every situation. That's what makes it all interesting, you need to decide what is best for you. NC could bring your ex back? NC could also guarantee that your ex doesn't. It does help you to recover quicker. The rules are not absolutes, but based on a lot of people who have essentially failed in one way or another to regain their ex, or continued to struggle with recovery.

 

NC rules are not absolute....