blueline Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 (edited) So I've been living with my girlfriend of about a year now since last August. I'm 26, she's 25. She has always been extremely clingy with me, but it didn't really bother me as I enjoy her company. We're in the same graduate program together and work in the same field. Most of the time we have free is spent together. I can't think of a time we weren't hanging out when neither of us were at work or school. Anyway, what's been bothering me about her is the frequency at which she talks about having kids someday, but never includes me in these conversations. She always brings up these scenarios as "when I have kids...", and even lately, it has gone to the point of being "when you have your kids..." I don't really like talking about kids (I'm only half way finished with my PhD!) to begin with. Furthermore, I find it somewhat insulting that she never considers doing this with me sometime in the distant future (her language implies it). She's 25, our friends are all talking about marriage with their partners, and she seems to be really into the idea of getting married and having kids, but when her girlfriend commented on how good our relationship is and asked if we're considering getting married, she paused for a long time and said she'd never considered it. I brought it up with her later and she just changed the subject. This isn't exactly a liberated woman I'm dating here as she has told me a couple times that all she wants to do is be a housewife. I don't understand this. I figure that when you move in with someone, you are basically testing them out for marriage. I feel like I'm wasting my time here if she is talking the way she is. I haven't brought this up with her because I find the whole thing somewhat insulting and hurtful. Edited September 9, 2012 by blueline
meg1818 Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 I always believe honesty is the best policy. Otherwise it's going to blow up later down the line. Maybe she doesn't say things because she's afraid it will scare you off, or give off the wrong impression. I would mention it to her the next time she says it.
Author blueline Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 I always believe honesty is the best policy. Otherwise it's going to blow up later down the line. Maybe she doesn't say things because she's afraid it will scare you off, or give off the wrong impression. I would mention it to her the next time she says it. Good call. She should know better that I actually really care about her, but yeah, I'll approach it from that angle. She talks like this on a nearly daily basis and it hurts me a lot. It makes me feel like she's just waiting to meet the right guy and I'm here as palliative relationship. It's better to not talk about this stuff at all, IMO, but she opened the door.
meg1818 Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 yes, only bring it up as she says it. so you can call her on the spot. if she's not understanding then your next step would be to ask her straight up what she is doing with you, as her if she doesnt see a future. because basically all dating is leading to that.
todreaminblue Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 So I've been living with my girlfriend of about a year now since last August. I'm 26, she's 25. She has always been extremely clingy with me, but it didn't really bother me as I enjoy her company. We're in the same graduate program together and work in the same field. Most of the time we have free is spent together. I can't think of a time we weren't hanging out when neither of us were at work or school. Anyway, what's been bothering me about her is the frequency at which she talks about having kids someday, but never includes me in these conversations. She always brings up these scenarios as "when I have kids...", and even lately, it has gone to the point of being "when you have your kids..." I don't really like talking about kids (I'm only half way finished with my PhD!) to begin with. Furthermore, I find it somewhat insulting that she never considers doing this with me sometime in the distant future (her language implies it). She's 25, our friends are all talking about marriage with their partners, and she seems to be really into the idea of getting married and having kids, but when her girlfriend commented on how good our relationship is and asked if we're considering getting married, she paused for a long time and said she'd never considered it. I brought it up with her later and she just changed the subject. This isn't exactly a liberated woman I'm dating here as she has told me a couple times that all she wants to do is be a housewife. I don't understand this. I figure that when you move in with someone, you are basically testing them out for marriage. I feel like I'm wasting my time here if she is talking the way she is. I haven't brought this up with her because I find the whole thing somewhat insulting and hurtful. What Meg said is true honesty is the best policy.Be truthful so you know where you stand and she knows it and if she is honest with you which she should be if she cares about you, at all ,its pretty important to you so she should care.....I wish you resolution i hope you find the answers you seek...I am sorry that you find insulting and hurtful but you have to take responsibility and stand up and say something.it takes tow people to make a decision not one..deb
The Way I Am Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 I agree with what's been said. There's a pretty good chance that when she brings these things up, she's not including you, because she thinks it'll scare you away. When you asked her, did you let her know that you were open to the idea of marriage and kids with her or did you just ask why she keeps saying those things?
Author blueline Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 yes, only bring it up as she says it. so you can call her on the spot. if she's not understanding then your next step would be to ask her straight up what she is doing with you, as her if she doesnt see a future. because basically all dating is leading to that. Yeah, I feel awkward/emasculated doing this because it's traditionally the role of the girl to ask about these things. I figured out before we moved in together that she wanted to stay in town to wait for me to finish my doctorate (she'll finish her MS this spring). I figured the relationship was just for fun before that, but yeah if you're talking about sticking around for 1.5 more years in a town you despise, then I figure you're actually really into me. I keep forgetting several behavior analysts/psychologists have told me this girl has high functioning autism.
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