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How to deal with his ex? Has anybody experienced something like this?

Adamgem

By Adamgem
in The Other Man / Woman

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Adamgem Established Member

Adamgem

Posted
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Today I talked further with him about the situation. I am certain now that it is because of her threats he will not leave.

 

He will lose a lot of money/properties and she will not let him see the children etc. if he completely leaves to be with ME.

 

Anybody else but not ME! She was fine with their break up until she realised he had started seeing me.

 

I had doubted him but heard from other (independent people) that she is seriously not letting him go without big trouble.

 

She is, more or less, blackmailing him to stay with her.....

 

I find this completely crazy. Why force someone to stay with you if they want to be with someone else?

 

What kind of crazy is this? When I spoke to her, in a very nice manner, she told me she would never let go of him....

 

I told him it is up to him to sort the mess out but other people around are telling me that, with her, that is impossible.

 

Has anybody any experience like this?

Balzac Established Member

Balzac

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She has no power nor authority to remove his access to his children. The fact that you are taken in by such an impotent threat is sadly amusing.

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Adamgem Established Member

Adamgem

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That is what I said and legally that is true... he has rights to see his children... However, she will not accept this and is blackmailing him to comply to her wishes. (I also know this independently from another source).

 

I did not believe him, at first, but then I spoke to her directly on the phone and she confirmed everything he had said. I no longer doubt him on this.

eleanorrigby Established Member

eleanorrigby

Posted
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It may be crazy but it's not like he has to submit to this and stay married. He can still push forward with the divorce. Sure, she can make the process miserable, it will be expensive, etc but if he wants to be divorced, he will be.

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Adamgem Established Member

Adamgem

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They are not married legally but have children together. She is blackmailing him -

eleanorrigby Established Member

eleanorrigby

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They are not married legally but have children together. She is blackmailing him -

 

How is she doing this?

Balzac Established Member

Balzac

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The court has no care what "she accepts nor refuses to accept". An order for visitation will be handed down from the bench. The mother must provide access to his children or be forced to via several options. Arrest by local authority, jailed for contempt of court, compelled to deliver said children to a court ordered place for transfer to facilitate visitation. The judge can remove temporary physical custody from her to the father. This is all very common and easily accomplished. Nobody cares what impotent verbal threats the mother makes.

Edited by Balzac
The father needs competent legal counsel.
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Adamgem Established Member

Adamgem

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He put many properties (worth millions) in her name (I believe for tax purposes)... she knows a lot about his company and tax issues - she is using this against him.

 

She is refusing to return the properties and threatening to go to the tax man if he does not do what she wants.

 

His family are worried about her taking everything from him. They do not like her and have very little contact with her as she has caused many problems in the past.

eleanorrigby Established Member

eleanorrigby

Posted
Posted
He put many properties (worth millions) in her name (I believe for tax purposes)... she knows a lot about his company and tax issues - she is using this against him.

 

She is refusing to return the properties and threatening to go to the tax man if he does not do what she wants.

 

His family are worried about her taking everything from him. They do not like her and have very little contact with her as she has caused many problems in the past.

 

That sucks, but he may just have to live with the consequences of not taking care of his business better. If you leave a loophole open for someone to exploit, they just might do it.

He just needs to get lawyered up and try to get a fair judgement.

Balzac Established Member

Balzac

Posted
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Is the man in the USA? If in fact as you state this is a high asset value property divorce.... Then your man already has access to competent legal counsel, forensic accountants and wealth management.

 

Not to offend you but it sounds as if perhaps you are a bit naive. He will or she will either resolve their issues or cut the pie. She can file if she so chooses.

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Adamgem Established Member

Adamgem

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No, not in the USA. She will not file as they are not legally married. Nor does she want to - she does not want to split no matter what he says. She is using her knowledge of his company against him. The lawyers can not help in this case.

 

Most of his assets are in her name - this, I believe, is the real reason they split up. She agreed to have the assets in her name and to return them after a certain time - she is refusing.

Balzac Established Member

Balzac

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HaHa he has access to lawyers and he's creatively offering you excuses. That's my opinion. Be that as it may, why do you care?

AnotherRound Established Member

AnotherRound

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AdamGem... this whole situation makes me uncomfortable for you. I honestly feel as if you might be in real danger? You have said that you cannot disentangle from him bc he has the power to harm you?

 

I have no idea what you should do, honestly. But, if it was me? I would, first and foremost, make sure that you are safe. Physically safe. Obviously, without that, nothing else matters.

 

She could possibly keep him from seeing his children, esp if they are not married. He may not have any parental rights, that does happen, esp with unmarried couples. But my bigger concern for you is that I feel that you are in a relationship that you cannot get out of it bc of physical danger?

 

I don't have any advice, just concern. :(

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Adamgem Established Member

Adamgem

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I can see why it appears that way to you but I am certain that she can blackmail him. Lawyers can not help him with this particular issue. I know more than I want to post on this forum. The point is that, in this case, she is the problem.

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Adamgem Established Member

Adamgem

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AdamGem... this whole situation makes me uncomfortable for you. I honestly feel as if you might be in real danger? You have said that you cannot disentangle from him bc he has the power to harm you?

 

I have no idea what you should do, honestly. But, if it was me? I would, first and foremost, make sure that you are safe. Physically safe. Obviously, without that, nothing else matters.

 

She could possibly keep him from seeing his children, esp if they are not married. He may not have any parental rights, that does happen, esp with unmarried couples. But my bigger concern for you is that I feel that you are in a relationship that you cannot get out of it bc of physical danger?

 

I don't have any advice, just concern. :(

 

Thank you for your post. It is very kind. I do not feel like I am in any physical danger at all. I do feel that if I leave abruptly he will get very angry and make my professional life very difficult. I want to be smart about how I leave. I have a tendency to be paranoid and non trusting. I did not believe many things he had told me but found out later that he was not telling lies....

PhoenixRise Established Member

PhoenixRise

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I can see why it appears that way to you but I am certain that she can blackmail him. Lawyers can not help him with this particular issue. I know more than I want to post on this forum. The point is that, in this case, she is the problem.

 

 

What she is doing may suck but she is not the problem.

 

The problem is that because this man wanted to gain some illegal tax advantage he put assets in her name and gave her a measure of power over him.

 

HE could choose to take the hit, whatever that is, and be responsible for the tax nightmare he has created and reclaim his life.

 

But He won't

 

Instead he is just complaining about what she won't let him do.

 

 

I think, given the facts on the ground as you have stated them, you need to focus on what is acceptable to you.

 

If she can stop him from leaving and he can't or won't stand up to her then what does that mean to you?

 

Are you going to accept that he will not leave her and stay the OW?

 

OR are you going to chose a different path for yourself.

 

You can't change what she demands and it seems like he is just telling you that he is going to acquiesce to her demands and you should just get comfortable with the status quo.

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Adamgem Established Member

Adamgem

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What she is doing may suck but she is not the problem.

 

The problem is that because this man wanted to gain some illegal tax advantage he put assets in her name and gave her a measure of power over him.

 

HE could choose to take the hit, whatever that is, and be responsible for the tax nightmare he has created and reclaim his life.

 

But He won't

 

Instead he is just complaining about what she won't let him do.

 

 

I think, given the facts on the ground as you have stated them, you need to focus on what is acceptable to you.

 

If she can stop him from leaving and he can't or won't stand up to her then what does that mean to you?

 

Are you going to accept that he will not leave her and stay the OW?

 

OR are you going to chose a different path for yourself.

 

You can't change what she demands and it seems like he is just telling you that he is going to acquiesce to her demands and you should just get comfortable with the status quo.

 

Yes, I think this is a very accurate description of the situation. I know he will lose a massive amount of money/assets and I would not expect anybody to give that up.

 

Having said that I also believe he is resourceful enough to find a way out of it if he really wanted to. I think he is too comfortable with her... she will do anything for him.

 

I told him it is too big of a mess for me and I want out. I told him if he really wanted to fix the mess he would. I am getting the feeling he is going to give everything up but I do not want him to do this. I can only imagine the resentment later if things did not work out....'I gave up everything for you.... the least you could do for me....' and so on.

SidLyon Established Member

SidLyon

Posted
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No, not in the USA. She will not file as they are not legally married. Nor does she want to - she does not want to split no matter what he says. She is using her knowledge of his company against him. The lawyers can not help in this case.

 

Most of his assets are in her name - this, I believe, is the real reason they split up. She agreed to have the assets in her name and to return them after a certain time - she is refusing.

 

Are you OK to say what country he is in?

 

I am qualified as a CPA (accountant) and a lawyer. My specialty is companies, business and taxation but I have a passing knowledge of family law too (but I'm in Australia).

 

If you are in a Western country then it should not matter that they are not married. Assets in either party's name form part of the joint assets and can be dealt with in a family law situation.

 

If he had dodged his taxes then more fool him I say. Could this mean that he's a cheat in general? I'll leave that to you to work out for yourself.

 

Seriously, irrespective of whether he stays with her, he needs to sort this out. His lawyers and accountants CAN help him, I'm not sure why you think they can't.

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Ladydrib Established Member

Ladydrib

Posted
Posted
He put many properties (worth millions) in her name (I believe for tax purposes)... she knows a lot about his company and tax issues - she is using this against him.

 

She is refusing to return the properties and threatening to go to the tax man if he does not do what she wants.

 

His family are worried about her taking everything from him. They do not like her and have very little contact with her as she has caused many problems in the past.

 

Haven't finished reading everything yet, but it sounds like she knows how to manipulate him pretty well. I'd guess the best thing you could do is continue to trust him, don't get pushy about what is obvious to you, her threats probably genuinely scare him whether they are unreasonable or not. Is he talking to a lawyer? Maybe you could get him to get more info and that might weaken her power over him. Maybe also counseling? Would he be willing to do that? He's probably much more likely to see through any manipulation if he hears logic from unbiased professionals. Anything you say about the manipulation might work in her favor... Just some thoughts.

Got it Established Member

Got it

Posted
Posted
Today I talked further with him about the situation. I am certain now that it is because of her threats he will not leave.

 

He will lose a lot of money/properties and she will not let him see the children etc. if he completely leaves to be with ME.

 

Anybody else but not ME! She was fine with their break up until she realised he had started seeing me.

 

I had doubted him but heard from other (independent people) that she is seriously not letting him go without big trouble.

 

She is, more or less, blackmailing him to stay with her.....

 

I find this completely crazy. Why force someone to stay with you if they want to be with someone else?

 

What kind of crazy is this? When I spoke to her, in a very nice manner, she told me she would never let go of him....

 

I told him it is up to him to sort the mess out but other people around are telling me that, with her, that is impossible.

 

Has anybody any experience like this?

 

Yes my situation was similar. They separated and were separated for almost a year when she found out we were together. The amazing ****storm that ensued was unlike anything including dday. She did go on the offensive, got nasty with his family, friends, her mother started harassing him, started with parental alienation, got nasty with the divorce, denied the kids going to therapy, etc.

 

It is what it is but with the timing of it after already being separated, etc the behavior backfired on her. This is still happening to some degree 4 years later. It is what it is and par for the course. I am not sure how she would have handled him dating anyone else but I am not on her most favorite list. :eek:

 

You can't control how someone else acts, dMM has gone through a lot battling her but he ultimately decided he was not going to live in fear because of what she would do. He worked through his attorney, has done the best that he can, and pushed through with the divorce. His relationship with his kids isn't where he hopes it will be but he is just trying every day. He makes sure that he never says anything negative to them, never puts them in the middle, and just sucks up the anger counting off the days until they are adults and he can distance himself from her.

Owl Established Member

Owl

Posted
Posted

I have to agree with what someone else pointed out already...

 

He's been dishonest and disrespectful in his marriage...

 

He's been dishonest in his business... (putting properties in someone else's name to avoid taxation)

 

There are some major red flags here all the way around.

 

You noted that you told him you wanted out...and had voiced some concern over what the outcome of that kind of discussion might be previously...what was his response? What is your current situation as a result of that announcement?

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