Nukulus Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 So I am a 26 year old male and I have a problem. I am friends with a girl I met a few months ago, M. M and I initially were flirty and went out on a couple dates. We got a long very well, like theres not many people I can remember having as much fun with. Well after a few weeks M told me she wasn't over her ex BF she had broken up with a couple months prior. I've been told it's true by mutual friends, but even if it isn't the point remains. She wasn't ready to date (or date me) and just wanted to be friends. She asked if we were okay, I said yes. I'm not one of those guys who can't be friends with women, or believe that it's impossible for the opposite sex to be friends without ulterior motives. So while it was a disappointment, it wasn't the end of the road. So we continue to hang out over the past few months and everything is fine. During this, she has done the majority of the initiating of contact as I was initially not wanting to be that guy. So I thought things were well on my end. She's been one of the best friends in the new city I've moved, and has really made it a lot more liveable. Now here's my problem. The past few weeks I've realized I still get that sub-concious clench in my stomach when I see/hear about her talking to/dating other guys. I don't know why!!!?? I've not had concious romantic thoughts about her in months. I know we're not dating and that she doesn't like me that way. I'm under no illusion that she'll magically realize she likes me if I hang around long enough. She hasn't led me on or given me any false hope. I've also dated other women since so at least at a concious level I'm not hung up over her. But this subconcious jealously is incredibly irritating, especially in that I'm someone who's never been able to disguise my emotion very well. So yea, that's where I'm at. I feel like I'm between a rock and a hard place. I'm not willing to lose my friend, M, over this, but at the same time I need to stop feeling this way. I've been thinking that maybe part of the problem is that my dating life hasn't been wonderful the past few years (never have issues getting to dates 2,3,4, or 5, but can't seem to get over into that relationship hump). So because of my poor dating life It's hard to remain positive about myself in that aspect, and I'm beginning to think that there is something wrong with me. So in seeing/hearing about M dating or with other guys is just a big reminder to myself that I'm not good enough to be a BF to anyone. No idea if that's the reason or not, but it's something I'm having difficulty shaking. So what do I want? I want M to be like my other female friends. Just friends that's it. I don't want to feel like this. I want her to date other guys and I want to be happy for her. That's it. So if anyone has been in this situation and has any ideas on how to get over this I'd appreciate it. Sorry for the long read.
carhill Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 If you are still feeling attracted, merely share that with her and end the friendship. This is one benefit to having a wide range of friends. The loss of one for any specific reason is not a critical loss. My bet is she'll likely be very pleasant about letting you go, simply because your friendship is a small component in an otherwise large life. Try it and see what happens. If you had a steady girlfriend, I doubt this would be an issue. She would have the appropriate standing amongst your social circle. The friendzone would not be an issue.
Author Nukulus Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 Thing is I'm not feeling attracted. Physically she's not even my type. She's just a good friend that I have a great time with. Also it would be damn near impossible to cut her out of my life as she is a central figure in my social circle. I've spent a year and a half building getting these friends in a brand new place without knowing anyone else. I'm not really willing to give it up.
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