sghffdmc Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 Has anyone read this/had any experience with it? I recently saw it in my girlfriend's room and asked her what it was. She told me she read it after her last relationship because she didn't want to be walked over anymore. After briefly researching the book online, things are starting to make sense to me. She's said to me many of the key points the book points out in her own words. While I think the general idea of the book is good, I think it has a lot of negative consequences as well...I think our relationship would be more loving/stronger if she'd ignore/not take literally some of the stuff written in that thing. Any other opinions?
villacapri Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 Yes, I read it. It's a negative, mind game playing book. Very garbage like. Chances are your girlfriend is not being authentic, and instead taking notes from that book.
Author sghffdmc Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 Yes, I read it. It's a negative, mind game playing book. Very garbage like. Chances are your girlfriend is not being authentic, and instead taking notes from that book. Hate to say I agree for the most part. There are times when she lets herself be herself, but then there are times when she drives me absolutely crazy and it never made sense until I came across this book. I wish I could confront her about it and express how I feel about the whole thing, but I'm not sure how I would go about it. It would seem pretty random and out of nowhere. I'd just like to let her know I'm not like her ex's and that I'll treat her right without her playing games with my head.
Titanwolf Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 Hate to say I agree for the most part. There are times when she lets herself be herself, but then there are times when she drives me absolutely crazy and it never made sense until I came across this book. I wish I could confront her about it and express how I feel about the whole thing, but I'm not sure how I would go about it. It would seem pretty random and out of nowhere. I'd just like to let her know I'm not like her ex's and that I'll treat her right without her playing games with my head. Just tell her you need to have a word. Why would you want to be with a woman, whom is allowing a book to dictate her behaviour. I understand not wanting to get hurt again, but what she's essentially done is grouped you together in the same category as her ex. As long as you are romantically involved with her, she will continue to behave in the manner the book dictates. Enlighten her. Tell her that this book has no way of discerning your character and that it's unfair for her to treat you as though you're not in control of how you think and behave. Making decisions, based on a book, or even other's opinions, without first considering your own personal feelings and the quality of character in question, is beyond unjust. If need be, show her this thread. Books, once written, will not be changed. You, being human, experience a constant flow of emotions and react according to those emotions. A book set in stone can't account for that. 2
Lauriebell82 Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 I read it, I also read "Why Men Marry Bitches." I thought that one was better. Funny story, I was reading it at the laundry mat and got a lot of interesting looks from the men in there! A few comments also, such as "interesting book you got there." Anyway, I would say that some of the info was helpful, some seemed like mindgames. The idea of the book is that you shouldn't take crap from guys or let them control you, but you be in control. Some would disagree, but I think women do have to "play the game" sometimes. Not in a manipulative way, but utilize "techniques" persay in order to avoid feeling depressed and taken advantage of.
Author sghffdmc Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 I read it, I also read "Why Men Marry Bitches." I thought that one was better. Funny story, I was reading it at the laundry mat and got a lot of interesting looks from the men in there! A few comments also, such as "interesting book you got there." Anyway, I would say that some of the info was helpful, some seemed like mindgames. The idea of the book is that you shouldn't take crap from guys or let them control you, but you be in control. Some would disagree, but I think women do have to "play the game" sometimes. Not in a manipulative way, but utilize "techniques" persay in order to avoid feeling depressed and taken advantage of. I guess it's frustrating for me because we've been dating 7 months now. She's gotten better over time, but I can still tell she's trying so hard to remain in control and it can be overkill at times. I also think this is forcing her to hold back her feelings for me, or at least hide them. Her favorite words are "weak" and "emotional". She doesn't want to seem weak and she says emotions show weakness. Is this a result or her still not fully trusting me because of her getting hurt in the past?
ScreamingTrees Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 I guess it's frustrating for me because we've been dating 7 months now. She's gotten better over time, but I can still tell she's trying so hard to remain in control and it can be overkill at times. I also think this is forcing her to hold back her feelings for me, or at least hide them. Her favorite words are "weak" and "emotional". She doesn't want to seem weak and she says emotions show weakness. Is this a result or her still not fully trusting me because of her getting hurt in the past? Is 7 months really a long time? You can either talk to her about it, or continue to silently suffer and deal with the game playing BS.
Author sghffdmc Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 Is 7 months really a long time? You can either talk to her about it, or continue to silently suffer and deal with the game playing BS. 7 months isn't a lifetime, but it is getting to the point where I would like for things to start getting more serious, you know what I mean? And it seems like underneath it all, that's what she wants too, she's just fighting it. I know her last boyfriend broke up with her about a month after she got up the courage to say I love you to him for the first time.
ScreamingTrees Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 7 months isn't a lifetime, but it is getting to the point where I would like for things to start getting more serious, you know what I mean? And it seems like underneath it all, that's what she wants too, she's just fighting it. I know her last boyfriend broke up with her about a month after she got up the courage to say I love you to him for the first time. Well, be honest with her.. If she REALLY wants what you do, she'll likely drop the book's teachings..
kae Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 i think she has such a tight reign of control because she can easily loose it. she still doesnt have balance and that`s why she is tight fisted with her emotions. what you can do is let her do what she`s doing and you just stay by her and slowly she will soften. 7months is jack****. you`re still getting to know eachother...
Author sghffdmc Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 i think she has such a tight reign of control because she can easily loose it. she still doesnt have balance and that`s why she is tight fisted with her emotions. what you can do is let her do what she`s doing and you just stay by her and slowly she will soften. 7months is jack****. you`re still getting to know eachother... Fair point, but we did know each other for 2 years before we started dating. We weren't good friends, but friends nonetheless.
musemaj11 Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 Just let her taste her own medicine. Do to her what she does to you. She won't know what she is doing until she experiences it herself.
KraftDinner Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 I can't help but wonder if the book just kinda affirms who she already was/was becoming. I mean, how many people actually follow what's written in those books, or like self-help books in general? You say you see her true self come through sometimes, but how do you know the other stuff isn't her true self too? You're only taking her word that she's doing that cuz she was hurt in the past, but maybe she really is, deep down...just a bitch? I don't mean that in a mean way. But I've seen my friends try all sorts of self-help crap (not about manipulating others, but more cognitive behaviour type stuff, and one chick did The Rules) and none could keep up with the advice in the book. They'd follow it for a day or two but the fact is, it's pretty hard for a book to change a person so much. It's almost like you're looking at her as a weak-minded victim, brainwashed by a book, poor little helpless girl...when in fact she wouldn't do that stuff if it wasn't already in her nature. 1
Author sghffdmc Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 I can't help but wonder if the book just kinda affirms who she already was/was becoming. I mean, how many people actually follow what's written in those books, or like self-help books in general? You say you see her true self come through sometimes, but how do you know the other stuff isn't her true self too? You're only taking her word that she's doing that cuz she was hurt in the past, but maybe she really is, deep down...just a bitch? I don't mean that in a mean way. But I've seen my friends try all sorts of self-help crap (not about manipulating others, but more cognitive behaviour type stuff, and one chick did The Rules) and none could keep up with the advice in the book. They'd follow it for a day or two but the fact is, it's pretty hard for a book to change a person so much. It's almost like you're looking at her as a weak-minded victim, brainwashed by a book, poor little helpless girl...when in fact she wouldn't do that stuff if it wasn't already in her nature. I don't think so...like I said, I've known her for a while and she's always come off as a very nice and caring person. Her roommates told me she was in a deep depression for a solid 3-4 months after her last relationship and she has even told me herself that she's scared of feeling that way again so she thinks she maybe subconsciously pulls back on her feelings.
O'farrell Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 My cousin has read that book. It was during her 5 year relationship with some drug dealer lol.
GG3 Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 Yes, I read it. It's a negative, mind game playing book. Very garbage like. Chances are your girlfriend is not being authentic, and instead taking notes from that book. Second that. I have an ex who reads seduction books and uses all the techniques on women. He's been doing it for so many years he's completely lost sight on how to be authentic with someone. He's now 42, still single and his relationships which are many short ones are horrible. If people just operated out of good self-esteem they wouldn't need the book.
SpiralOut Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 (edited) I have read this book. The main points I got from it were: 1) Have a life 2) Don't stop having a life just to try and please a man 3) Treat yourself with respect. As far as I can tell, this book is about behaving in a way that gets rid of men who don't want to treat you right. IMO It's not about doing a bunch of stuff to try and make a man like you and keep him. Clearly the OP's girlfriend didn't interpret it that way. I can see how this book could be bad if it is not used properly. I don't think it's meant to be followed like a bible. It's just a guideline with bits of advice. I don't think it's good to follow every single thing in there that it tells you to do, especially if you've been dating someone already for several months. There needs to be a point where you can feel comfortable enough in a relationship to not try so damn hard. Edited September 10, 2012 by SpiralOut
newmoon Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 love love love this book!! and it has helped me to be a stronger, more assertive woman. unless you have read the book cover to cover you really shouldn't have any opinion on it. it's mostly about female empowerment and not allowing a man to walk over you or use you as a doormat. there is nothing wrong with reading these types of books and leaving them out for all to see (including your bf). it's a great book - written to show women how they can stand up for themselves and not be used/abused by men - nothing wrong with that. i have read and re-read it numerous times to give myself strength at times. 1
It's Just Me Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 Hey now! Time for the other side of the coin. The book's title is truly tongue-in-cheek - a wink. I bought it, and read it, because I wanted to try something different while dating. I was raised to be polite and respectful of guests in my home. I was also raised to do your utmost for the people you cared about. Unfortunately, this approach likely (and of course I can only guess, because I haven't interviewed them) made the new men in my life perceive me as needy. Why? Because once they visited my home, I treated them as guests/royalty. I cooked. I was solicitous. I served. Made sure I had their favourite beverage on hand. I did everything to make them comfortable. Just as I would any guest in my house. I soon learned that all this effort and expense was for naught. Guys don't care about that crap. In fact, they get all weird when you bend over backwards to make them feel comfortable in the early days. So, I changed my approach. The first time my current BF visited my place, I had nothing prepared to feed him or quench his thirst. It killed me to do this, because this isn't how you treat a guest in your home, but I just went with it. Guess what? He didn't care! Mealtime came around, and I suggested we order a pizza. He was fine with that. "Hey, It's Just Me! Got any beer?" Me: "Nope. The store is just down the street if you want to get some. I'd love some wine, though. Would you pick some up?" And he did. I'm not necessarily suggesting that this made me more attractive to him. What it DID do was allow me not to feel like I was investing heart, soul, moon and stars when it really wasn't necessary early in the game. Getting up early to clean, knowing he was coming over. Making sure I had all the food and drink bases covered. Killing myself to set the mood with candles and all the other **** us girls do that ultimately screams "OMG! She's a bit much!" That's all. The book was a great wake-up call for those of us who aren't necessarily needy (because I'm not), but perhaps a bit too well-trained in the art of being unnecessarily nice. There is a difference. 2
threebyfate Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 If you're concerned about the contents of the book, you should read it. I haven't read it since pop psych self-help books rarely hit the spot for me except for many years ago, "He's just not that into you.". Thought that one had some valid points, although in retrospect they were quick to jump to conclusions. What I've heard about the "bitches" book is that it tries to teach non-assertive women to become assertive. This is sad that women are automatically viewed as bitches if they dare assert themselves. The title is counterproductive to its purpose. 1
coolheadal Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 Wow it's you and her and the book. 3 of you go out and it doesn't leave her. The book has all the answers to make one want to be normal. Let her keep her book. She missing something then if she needs the book for answers. If you care about her just go with the flow and the book is her comfort line.
ascendotum Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 I read it, I also read "Why Men Marry Bitches." I thought that one was better. Funny story, I was reading it at the laundry mat and got a lot of interesting looks from the men in there! A few comments also, such as "interesting book you got there." Anyway, I would say that some of the info was helpful, some seemed like mindgames. The idea of the book is that you shouldn't take crap from guys or let them control you, but you be in control. Some would disagree, but I think women do have to "play the game" sometimes. Not in a manipulative way, but utilize "techniques" persay in order to avoid feeling depressed and taken advantage of. Laurie, Is the title of the book designed to get headlines & attention for window shopper? If the intention is to make a woman stop being a devoted gf to guys who don't treat her a priority in their life, then to me the title doesn't match that synopsis. Being a bitch in that situation is like telling the 'nice guy' to become or a azzhole to women, because it will make him seem more dominant and of perceived higher value. If the book helps women see things they are doing wrong that undermine their happiness, then thats great but not so much if it tells them to now start behaving at the opposite end of the spectrum and to act out to a new creed. The vast majority of guys don't love bitches. Lots of guys might end up married to them, but they didn't start out that way or else the guy just doesn't think he can do better (generalization). I don't see why every relationship has to have someone in charge, but again imo, most women prefer it when its the man (minus the crap behaviour). Putting myself in your shoes OP, I would find it extremely annoying to see my gf playing to the scripts/routines in the book, especially when you know she was not being her authentic self + the outcome of her 'controlled' behaviour was in your opinion to the detriment of a loving relationship. You say she can drive you crazy, well to me thats the perfect time to be motivated to tackle her on this. I thought titanwolf's comments on this were good.
Author sghffdmc Posted September 10, 2012 Author Posted September 10, 2012 I don't see why every relationship has to have someone in charge... AMEN. I could not agree more.
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