I'm worried about BPD wife

[villacapri]

I've been married 3 years to my beautiful, talented, fun loving, very smart wife. She was diagnosed with BDP (borderline personality disorder) back in her 20's (10 years ago).. She has polar mood swings..

 

I am worried about her mental health now more than ever because she is not taking her medication, and she continues to make excuses to keep from scheduling appt with her doctor (too busy with work)... Her work has been a major trigger in her mantal state of mind, because her company is growing and she's working for a manager now (she used to be in charge)..

 

She says she doesn't want to live, has nothing to live for (thank god we don't have kids) and she doesn't feel like doing anything. She has been in bed all weekend without watching tv or showering. Every little noise (birds chirping, neighbor edging their lawn, cars driving by) sets her off. She says she is in pain all over, and feels exhausted no matter how much she sleeps (which is all the time)

 

I am very worried about her. What should I do? I thought about notifying her parents, but last time she stayed in bed (wasn't this severe, but worrisome) she got mad at me and made me feel stupid for "overreacting". Should I contact her PCP? I try to leave her alone, and keep the house silent. Usually she snaps out of this, but I'm worried it's progressing and will get worse now that she hates her job.

[villacapri]

She told me today that I deserve better, and shouldn't waste my time on her. She said she wishes I find someone else to love.

[villacapri]

That's really all you need to know. Also, please don't have children with her. No child deserves to grow up around someone with BPD.

 

When she was taking her medication she was a lot more stable. I love this woman. When she is good, she's WONDERFUL. We can't have children anyways.

 

How can I get her to take her medicine?!?

[carhill]

This sounds very familiar.

 

She's mentally ill. Perhaps not 5150, but she definitely could be a potential danger to herself or others.

 

Having cared for a mentally ill person (paraphrenic), IMO, if you choose to stay (not get divorced and leave her), you're going to have to adjust your style of interaction to work with the illness. I got used to lying, crushing meds into food, working out elaborate schemes to get doctor time, etc.

 

The machine which makes her decisions and presents her individuality to the world is messed up chemically. Expect it to affect her employment at some point.

 

At your age, I'd try what I could, put a concrete timeline on results, then move on if no joy. Life's short.

[Downtown]

She was diagnosed with BDP (borderline personality disorder) back in her 20's (10 years ago).. She has polar mood swings..

VC, are you certain about the "BPD" diagnosis? I ask because you are describing the traits of bipolar disorder, not BPD. I am not a psychologist but I did live with a BPDer exW for 15 years and I've taken care of a bipolar foster son for longer than that. Moreover, I took both of them to a long series of psychologists for 15 years. Based on those experiences, I have found ten clear differences between the two disorders.

 

One difference is that the mood swings are on two separate spectra having very different polar extremes. Whereas a bipolar sufferer swings between mania and depression, a BPDer flips back and forth between loving you and hating you. Significantly, the "polar mood swings" you speak of sound like a swing between mania and depression.

 

A second difference is seen in the frequency of mood changes. Bipolar mood swings are very slow because they are caused by gradual changes in body chemistry. They are considered rapid if as many as four occur in a year. In contrast, four BPD mood changes can easily occur in four days.

 

A third difference is seen in duration. Whereas bipolar moods typically last a week or two, BPD rages typically last only a few hours (and rarely as long as 36 hours).

 

A fourth difference is seen in the speed with which the mood change develops. Whereas a bipolar change typically will build slowly over two weeks, a BPD change typically occurs in less than a minute -- often in only 10 seconds -- because it is event-triggered by some innocent comment or action.

 

A fifth difference is that, whereas bipolar can be treated very successfully in at least 80% of victims by swallowing a pill, BPD cannot be managed by medication because it arises from childhood damage to the emotional core -- not from a change in body chemistry.

 

A sixth difference is that, whereas bipolar disorder can cause people to be irritable and obnoxious during the manic phase, it does not rise to the level of meanness and vindictiveness you see when a BPDer is splitting you black. That difference is HUGE: while a manic person may regard you as an irritation, a BPDer can perceive you as Hitler and will treat you accordingly.

 

A seventh difference is that, whereas a bipolar sufferer is not usually angry, a BPDer is filled with anger that has been carried inside since early childhood. You only have to say or do some minor thing to trigger a sudden release of that anger.

 

An eight difference is that a bipolar sufferer typically is capable of tolerating intimacy when he is not experiencing strong mania or depression. In contrast, BPDers have such a weak and unstable self image that (except for the brief infatuation period) they cannot tolerate intimacy for long before feeling engulfed and suffocated by your personality.

 

BPDers therefore will create arguments over nothing as a way to push you away and give them breathing room. Hence, it is not surprising that they tend to create the very worst arguments immediately following the very best of times, i.e., right after an intimate evening or a great weekend spent together.

 

A ninth difference is that the thinking and behavior of a BPDer includes more mental departures from reality (called "dissociation") wherein "feelings create facts." That is, BPDers typically do not intellectually challenge their intense feelings. Instead, they accept them as accurately reflecting your intentions and motivations. In contrast, bipolar disorder tends to be more neurotic in that the mood swings tend to be based more on extreme exaggerations of fact, not the creation of "fact" out of thin air based solely on feelings.

 

Finally, a tenth difference is that a bipolar sufferer -- whether depressed or manic -- usually is able to trust you if he or she knows you well. Untreated BPDers, however, are unable to trust for an extended period. Before they can trust others, they must first learn how to trust and love themselves.

 

Yet, despite these ten clear differences between the two disorders, many people confuse the two. One source of this confusion seems to be the fact that these two disorders often occur together. About half of bipolar-I sufferers also have full-blown BPD.

[villacapri]

She told me she was diagnosed with BDP when she was 22, and she felt the doctors were crazy. She feels they misdiagnosed her, and that they overreact to get $ out of her. I think she should be reevaluated because it's been 10 years since then, and she's still in denial.

[snug.bunny]

I would contact her treating physician.

 

If she is off her medication, doesn't want to live, I would consider her in critical condition and she will need acute psychiatric care.

 

So, intervention is needed.

[Downtown]

VC, of the ten differences I describe above (between BPD and bipolar), do any ring a bell and sound very familiar to you? For example, how quickly do her mood changes come on and how long do they typically last? I ask because, unlike bipolar mood swings, BPD mood changes typically do not "swing" at all. They usually happen so rapidly -- being triggered by minor events -- that there is no time for a "mood swing" to occur. That's why BPDers can flip -- in only ten seconds -- from adoring you to devaluing (or hating) you.

[carhill]

Good point Downtown .... about combinative disease/disorder processes; the person in my example is a clinically diagnosed bipolar 2. Hypomania is rarely seen and relatively brief.

[seren]

My SIL has Bi Polar, she has huge highs and the deep, dark lows. I used to work in mental health and recognised that she had the illness, she of course denied there was anything wrong, her illness prevented her from identifying her erratic behaviour. It ended up with her being sectioned, she now receives support from a community mental health nurse, takes her meds regularly and recognises when she is dropping in mood or a high beginning.

 

What you have described sounds like she is in the low place, and I would urge you to contact her doctor or support worker. Sometimes people cannot recognise they are feeling the way they do because they are ill and blame themselves. Sometimes they need someone else to make the first step to them getting support. It sounds like she is reaching rock bottom, it is a dreadful illness, I explained to my SIL that she had an imbalance of chemicals in her brain, which she found easier to accept than being labelled mentally ill.

 

Please get help for her and support for you, with the right meds it can be managed. My heart goes out to you both. x

[villacapri]

She finally took a shower yesterday, but continued to stay withdrawn, not coming out of her room. When she did interact wth me, she was a rude *******, very negative and hateful. Last night when I got in bed with her to watch tv, she remained silent only speaking with extreme irritability. Finally she reached over to pet my head, but seemed as if she were struggling with herself to be nice & do that. I then looked up at her and told her I loved her, and her eyes were so black and full of hate! She said "I love you too honey" but it seemed forced, like she cannot stand my guts. Very odd and confusing!!!

 

I have yet to make any phone calls to her doctor or parents in hopes of her improving before our trip to visit her family this weekend.

 

 

I think she probably has Bipolar AND BPD. It's extreme, and very confusing for me, because she either absolutely adores me and loves me, or she seems like she wants to kill me (very friggin scary) She does alot of self loathing (laying in bed and covering her head with a pillow when I come in contact with her) then when she snaps out of it she acts like nothing ever happened!!!

[Art_Critic]

villacapri.. there is a good book out there for someone in your type of relationship.

 

It's called "Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder"

 

Wonderful book and IMO a must read for someone involved with a BPD..

[carhill]

Good point Downtown .... about combinative disease/disorder processes; the person in my example is a clinically diagnosed bipolar 2. Hypomania is rarely seen and relatively brief.

Relevant to this post, I erred regarding the connection, as I was thinking about another similar BPD thread running elsewhere on LS. I have known a person with diagnosed BiPolar 2 who exhibits BPD behaviors but has not been diagnosed clinically for about 20 years. When she is off her bipolar meds (happens periodically), the observed BPD-indicative behaviors become more marked, especially the swing from idolizing to demonizing.

[Downtown]

I think she probably has Bipolar AND BPD. ... she either absolutely adores me and loves me, or she seems like she wants to kill me (very friggin scary).

VC, yes, the flipping back and forth between loving you and hating you -- often in just ten seconds -- is a hallmark of strong BPD traits -- as you surmised.

She does alot of self loathing

That too is a BPD trait.

When she snaps out of it she acts like nothing ever happened!!!

Again, this "snapping out of it" is a BPD trait because their mood changes typically are event triggered. In contrast, bipolar mood changes usually are slow because they are produced by gradual chemical changes in the brain.

How can I get her to take her medicine?!?

You can't. Please stop trying to fix her. Because she has strong BPD traits, she is incapable of trusting you much of the time (if not ALL of the time). She therefore will not be willing to rely on your guidance. And your attempts to give her friendly reminders about the meds will be perceived as efforts to control and dominate her -- breeding more resentment. Indeed, BPDers usually refuse to trust even their therapists, which is one reason it is rare for a BPDer to stay in therapy long enough to make a real difference.

When she is good, she's WONDERFUL.

Yes, I know. My exW was the same way. She was a stunning beauty and, when she was splitting me white, she had the warmth, passion, and vulnerability that is seen in all the performances of Marilyn Monroe (widely reported to have suffered from BPD).

 

Generally, BPDers have a purity of expression, warmth, and exuberance that otherwise is only seen in young children. It is so intoxicating -- especially to caregivers like you and me -- that, once we manage to walk away, we find it difficult "to settle" for an emotionally available, stable woman. Until we have time to adjust, we keep wanting to see those fireworks and passion again at the very beginning of a new relationship.

 

The Walking on Eggshells book recommended by ArtCritic is an excellent resource. Indeed, it is the best-selling BPD book targeted to the spouses of BPDers like you. Another good resource is BPDfamily.com, where you will find a dozen articles written by professionals.

 

While you are there, you may want to participate (or at least lurk) in one of the eight message boards, where you can get advice from hundreds of folks who are married to BPDers. With 6% of the population having full blown BPD, you will find you have lots of people who can identify with your problems. And, as I said earlier, a recent study found that half of the BPDers also suffer from bipolar-1 disorder.

[villacapri]

Yes Downtown.. she has BPD. She has huge issues with abandonment because her father left when she was 10 (they were VERY close) and doesn't have anything to do with her today. We are about to visit her mom and she's being all nice, loving and normal again. She always does this when we see her mom. I'm pretty sure it's a front.

 

At this point, I think she's so full of sh*t, and I don't believe any kindness that comes from her. I think she's really a bottomless pit who hates the world, but puts on a mask every once in a while.

[Downtown]

I think she's so full of sh*t, and I don't believe any kindness that comes from her. I think she's really a bottomless pit who hates the world, but puts on a mask every once in a while.

If she is a BPDer, it would be a mistake to think that, because she is so hateful when splitting you black, she must be insincere about what she says when splitting you white. Granted, BPDers will lie to avoid admitting a mistake when they are cornered. Generally, however, they are just as sincere when they are splitting you white (i.e., adoring you) as they are when splitting you black (i.e, hating you).

 

That's the way emotionally unstable people behave because, in some important respects, their personalities are fragmented. This is not to say, however, that they have a Multiple Personalities Disorder. But the spouses living with them commonly have the feeling that the BPDers are half-way to having multiple personalities. That is the way I felt for 15 years when living with my BPDer exW.