Ahlam Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 Hi everyone, My story is one which will probably sound all too familiar to most of you. I was in a "relationship" with a guy for a couple of months. After which it ended (he ended it stating his parents would not accept him marrying someone from a different culture) we stayed on/off for another 2 years or so. The last stint was the constant ignoring of the issue at hand: what is it that we have? He would always say he has feelings for me and mess with my head, but then insist he can only be friends with me, doesn't want to become attached because his mother just wouldn't accept me. I've listed the things to myself which broke me the most, after each instance I tried NC but my weakness for him always dragged me back..in the hopes ""things would change".. please be as harsh as possible towards me about this, I probably need it: Why you aren't worth it: Because we don’t share the same values. Because you told me you smelled your ex on a girl in a club after you kissed me. Because I only heard from you once in the 6 weeks I was abroad. We were supposedly in a relationship at this point. You “did your business” on my chest and left me to go downstairs when I got back. You made me feel cheap and disgusting. You felt the need to lament the greatness of other women who understood you better to me. You only told me about your parents’ refusal after I became upset with you about all of the above. Because you added back your ex on FB and lied about not talking to her after telling me you were not over her when you met me. Because you hardly ever made time for me. Because you kept telling me you wanted to be friends but still continued to flirt and talk about physical intimacy. Because you made me feel guilty and bad about becoming angry after you treated me badly. Because you left me upset at the train station at 23:00 to meet your friend. Because you never called once when my mother was ill. You preferred your friends. Because you proceeded to flirt with your "really good friend" out in the open after you left me upset about being confused about our “relationship” Which was physical, but not emotional or meaningful in any way. Because you said you were too busy to pick up the phone or message me while I was in the hospital myself. Because you have no idea how to treat me well. Because you ignore me in arguments. Because I never received anything from you that showed you ever thought of me, ever. Because you never said you loved me out of your own. Because you tell me you don’t want to become attached to me after 2 years and while you were cuddling me. Because the only times when YOU actually came to see ME is when you were horny. Because I don’t believe you ever had any proper feelings for me because of all of the above and therefore, I feel lied to and betrayed. There are many more..which my mind conveniently has forgotten and blocked from my memory.. He is currently on a 2 month world trip/holiday.. probably having the time of his life.. I practically asked him to break up with me.. which just shows you my weakness.. He did what I asked and was quite cold and upfront about it.. I feel so pathetic.. when I write this all out, it just seems so naive and weak..it makes me sick.. I've started NC, not after sending him the billionth goodbye message, of course. The trends in my behaviour are far too obvious..I removed him from skype, blocked my twitter, changed my number and left it as it is.. Now I'm just hoping future-me will not make the same mistakes again. I feel like I just can't forgive myself for allowing this all to happen. For such a long time. Holding on to crumbs of affection and ignoring neglect and indifference. Almost begging for any type of recognition. It's sad. I know it is. I feel it is. I just hope things will look up one day, that I can look back and thank God I put this person behind me forever. Thank you for reading..
Author Ahlam Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 I need some help.. harsh, realistic words..anything.. I'm so terribly hurt.. I've made mistakes too, I made every mistake in the book and worse.. I just want it all to end..
TaraMaiden Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 I've given this advice elsewhere, and it seems to fit your situation. OK. Every time you think of him - Stop. Ask yourself: "What good, precisely, is thinking all of this, doing me?" I can tell you now - the answer will be "Phukk all." So then ask yourself: If this is doing me no good, why precisely should I waste my time in thinking about someone who doesn't deserve to be in my head? Am I into self-sabotaging painful masochism? "Do I actually like shoving razor-wire up one nostril and down the other, and 'flossing'? Is it fun to sprinkle ground glass in my eyes, and blink? A lot? How do I like the sensation of bamboo slivers under my nails? No? not nice? so why do the mental equivalent?" Quit wasting time on him that could be better spent on you. Isn't it nice to lie on the couch with curlers in, a face mask on, watching re-runs of 'Frazier', while you eat cheese and onion crisps dipped in Nutella? because now, if you want to, that's precisely what you can do. Get your life back. It's yours, not his. 3
TaraMaiden Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 Words are pointless, unless you put them into action. This is your life, and he was but an episode. It's a learning curve. It teaches you about crap, and how to avoid it in future. Take my words to heart - and put them into action. Of the two of you, I bet you "change your behaviour" more than he does. And for the better, too....
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