I'm not sure if I still love my husband? PLus I had an "affair"

[sam5219]

I'm not sure if I'm in love with my husband any longer?

 

I'm 34 years old and married 3 1/2 years with no children. I believe I have been unhappy in my marriage for about 1 year and in denial about dealing with it. For the last year we have fought more about everything. I feel emotionally distant with him nor do I want to be intimate with him. Mostly I feel like we live as "roommates". He has been telling me that he wishes he was "single" again and has been going out drinking with her friends every other weekend. When I argue with him about this he says I'm tired anyway and just go to bed early. He stays out till 3 or 4 am and I just don't think that is acceptable when you are married. Even if he does come home at a respectable time he stays up all night drinking and listening to music. He says he works hard all week and that's his way to unwind. We then fight about him sleeping all day on the weekends and not spending time together.

 

I really don't find I want to have a sexual relationship with him and I don't know why. He has been complaining about the lack of intimacy and says I'm just not interested in sex. I was beginning to believe him until something happened.

 

I went on a trip to Mexico with some girlfriends about 6 weeks ago and meet someone who I had an "affair" with. We completely connected in everyway when we first meet and spent the rest of our vacation together. We had so much in common and I felt alive when I was with him. I am smart enough to realize that probably the beer and tequila I was drinking could have made things the way they were but I was never unware of what I was doing. When I came home I totally missed him and could think of nothing else but my fun in Mexico. I did not even feel guilty about what I did to my husband!

 

I don't have any contact with this other person but could my actions been because of the denial of my lack of feelings towards my husband? I'm so confused! I know cheating was the wrong thing to do and I don't want it to happen again. I did tell my husband what happened and he of course is upset. He wants to forgive me if I still love and want to be with him but I don't know if I can answer that question? I feel as if I could have a melt down at any moment.

 

My husband and I agreed to a trial seperation and to start with some counseling. He feels everything will be "resolved" in 3 months but I just feel we are too different and now on different paths of what we want in life. He is not sure he ever wants to have a family all of a sudden and I know I want children in the next couple of years. I just feel life is too short to not be happy. I realize marriage has ups and downs and could I just be in a down?

 

Any advise would be welcome!

[nojudge]

I feel for you. I know the frustration of living with a spouse who is more a "roommate" then loved one. It appears you are in a similar stage that I was about two years ago when I too went away and met someone. Mine was a business trip and the person I met was on the same project. My situation ended differently in that I am with her now and with the exception of dealing with a separation which is moving to divorce, and not being with my two kids everyday, I am happy in my relationship.

 

It's as if you both wish for more of what you had and dreamed of in the relationship, love, itimacy, mutual respect etc... but you just can't find it with your spouse. My ex expressed as we both tried for a while but eventually the frustration stopped us from caring to try anylonger. Basically you end up wanting things to change but can't bother trying anymore and the barrier goes up.

 

Admittedly, I gave up sooner. Any suggestion I made for change was met with inflexibility and/or surprise. You hate to use a beat to death phrase but, "We just grew apart". Some relationships die loudly and with a lot of emotion. Ours died more quietly and almost slid away.

 

My advice is to take the counselling route, not just to work at saving the relationship, but to discover the underlying truth about what it is you really want, what you see as the barriers to getting there and what you are prepared to do to make it all work. Sometimes, you'll find that you are still worlds apart but atleast you have been honest with yourselves about what you really wanted and deal with it.

 

Throw infidelity into the mix and it barries the relationship for most people. It takes a very strong committment and understanding to overcome it. I know if I had been on the other side and been cheated on, I would not have had the strength to forgive it. Funny enough, we said as much to each other over the years if that should ever happen that it would be over. She still said she could forgive it in the end; but, I knew she really couldn't have. I knew her enough over our 12 year marriage plus being together almot 15 that she couldn't nor could I have.

 

I've always wished and still wish love and the saving of any relationship as it weathers the storm of what life throws at it over time. I wish the same for yours. However, having lived through my first marriage and seen it end up where I never imagined it would be, I am wiser. People need to stay flexible and be open to change and evolution oin their relationship, hard as it may be. The person you are at the start of any relationship, physically and mentally changes, we need to adapt and to compromise.

 

Easier said then done. Good luck.

[Blah Toolz]

This story sounds familiar... does your husband ever invite you to go out drinking with him? Do you always decline, or do you just try to tell him that it's not alright to go out drinking?

 

My ex-girlfriend would talk about us getting married at one point during our relationship. I loved her more than anything, but at this point in my life, I'm not ready to get married. I just turned 21. She didn't seem to like it when I wanted to go and chill with my friends... but I didn't do this everyday. I did it probably once every month... or maybe a few Fridays in a row at the most. But I did spend pretty much every day and night with her when I could. I also liked going to the gym, and she seemed to get angry if I told her I was going to the gym and wasn't reporting to her house at a specified time. Sometimes people like to have space once in a while.

 

I don't know if this is close to the situation you are having with your husband, because maybe he dealt with it differently than I did. I told my girlfriend that I loved spending time with her, but I don't always see my friends, and I'd like to see them once in a while too. I would always invite her to go along, however. And I would usually ditch my friends to hang out with her 75% of the time.

 

You say you went and had an affair in Mexico, and felt no remorse about it. That just makes me feel like ****, because I remember that when my ex went on a trip to NY for a few days to visit a college with her girlfriend, that was pretty much the point when we broke up. She said she didn't miss me when she went away. I noticed she had a new guy's number in her phone as well, that she met when she was there. I loved my ex more than anything... and I never wanted to make her feel unwanted. I really hope that she didn't feel like when she went away she made a connection with another guy and that she didn't need me anymore. I hope this isn't how she felt when she went away... but hearing this story just reminds me of my situation.

 

I would say go ahead with the counseling... and remember, that it takes two people to argue. Maybe there are alternate ways to try to get your husband to see your point of view. Also remember, that going out and drinking with friends gets old pretty quickly. If you love him, give him a little space to do what he wants, and he'll probably realize that he loves you over anything else. Also, remember that this is the same guy that you fell in love with, and that you were head over heels when you first met him... just like the affair you had in Mexico.

[Debster]

Let me get this straight. You go on a booze-trip with your girlfriends to Mexico and cheat on your husband. You complain about your husband going out drinking with his friends and coming home at an unreasonable time as being unacceptable behaviour for someone who is married. Where do you get off making a judgement on his behaviour when you are the one who cheated on him!

 

Jeez.... take a good, hard look at yourself and your actions. IMO, you don't stand a chance at making this marriage work unless you stop thinking there are two sets of rules, start communicating with your husband, stop acting selfishly and try to regain your intimacy. At 34, surely you should know by now what you do and do not want. If not, that's pretty sad and I highly recommend some counselling to help you figure things out.

 

Good luck.

[blackchina]

I don't think you should have cheated on your husband, of course it felt good and new and exciting you've been marriage for few years but all new things get old.

 

I think that it may be a sign that you might not want to be married if you don't feel any remorse for what you did. It also could mean that you would do it again.

 

You two should both sit down and decide if you are on the same page or not, if you want the same things out of life.

 

I think that people continue to grow well past their thirties, are you two going to be able to continue to grow together?

 

If you can't figure it out own your own, lets say because you can't seem to communicate well enough then you should see a marriage therapist together.

 

Marriage is work, lots of work but you both must be willing to work together and maybe try compromising.

[havNfun]

has been going out drinking with her friends every other weekend. When I argue with him about this he says I'm tired anyway and just go to bed early. He stays out till 3 or 4 am and I just don't think that is acceptable when you are married.

 

did I actually read these words coming out of your mouth?

Darling Sam5291 - you skin surfed some dude while on some pleasure trip to mexico w/out him, AND had the lack of conscience to not feal guilty about it? - (indicates some serious self evaluation and therapy is seriously needed). - Honestly not meant to bash you - is the sincere objective truth Sam.

 

okay, that said - and your spanking and lashing administered,

 

I have "SORTA" been in your shoes in the way of living with someone after the love had ended.

I believe that if you aren't in love - being with a mate can be more lonely in a way than

being alone.

 

but Sam you need to know that cheating isn't the answer to this?

Have you told him what happened?

 

Do the mature and right thing and : pack your bags,

tell him you no longer are in love with him and that you

had sex with another man and didn't even feel guilty about it.

Let him know that you realize that it was not a decent thing to do,

and that you probably shouldn't have even gone to Mexico without him in the first place.

Then I advise that you admit to him that you are

a heartless, extremely selfish, horny, confused woman, and

after leaving him you plan to head straight for the most brilliant mental heath professional,

and the most god-fearing honorable preast, money and the phone book can facilitate.

 

other than that - I have no advice for you.

I can't think of anything else that could help you or your husband given your original post,

other than some serious self-evaluation and some professional therapy.

I know this sounds harsh. Please know that from the bottom of my heart I wish for the best

for you both in the future. I hope that you get better, and mature to a place where you

will not find it even possible to behave like you are now.

And I hope that his heart doesn't break to bad.

 

good luck, god bless