LadyLost Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 Hello. I checked the calendar and tomorrow it will be four weeks since my own D-day. It had been leading to something for a while and I can't say it was my first d-day either. But this one has stuck. There has been some contact, I have reached out in desperation once and I don't regret it. I needed it. He has texted me over the last few weeks a few times until I finally texted him back 'leave me alone'. That hurt a lot. Of course what I want is him to never leave me alone. I want to look at the phone and see his name. But he won't leave and I now know all of his beautiful words and promises were empty. Does he love me? Yes. Will we ever be able to have a life together? No. My words would have stung. I needed to speak to him one last time. I really needed him. I still do and I wish I could say something like 'I stayed strong and feel stronger each day'. I dont, really. It's been a bloody hard few weeks. I have felt lower than I ever have before. I am sad and desperate to see, smell, touch and show him my love. I still wait for his email to tell me he is coming, I cannot lie. But.. Here I am.... Still breathing, Still here and I know, without any doubt I have done the right thing. I have a long, long way to go, but I know I won't ever go back. I know I won't ever settle for OW again. I hope others out there who are trying to find the strength for more will read this and realise if I can do it, you can too.
bambia Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 I am so sorry. You are living my worst night mare.
Author LadyLost Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 Bambia- I guess you are not an OW then.. It's too early for me to know whether in my future life I will actually regret my time with him. I feel sad and sorry and depressed now, but I think it's because I think I always knew (and was proved right in the end), that we were never to be. When you spend all your time future faking, reality is hard to deal with. Anyway, don't feel sorry for me. I got out. I don't think I will ever regret ending it! Only that i let it start and then consume me for so long.
Fitz Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 Of course what I want is him to never leave me alone. I want to look at the phone and see his name. But he won't leave and I now know all of his beautiful words and promises were empty. Does he love me? Yes. Will we ever be able to have a life together? No. My words would have stung. I needed to speak to him one last time. I really needed him. I still do and I wish I could say something like 'I stayed strong and feel stronger each day'. I dont, really. It's been a bloody hard few weeks. I have felt lower than I ever have before. I am sad and desperate to see, smell, touch and show him my love. I still wait for his email to tell me he is coming, I cannot lie. What you're feeling is completely natural and expected after a break up (whether from an affair or not)! Severing an emotional bond is painful! Its OK to have conflicting emotions right now! You're only human! Does he really love you? Maybe yes. Maybe no. The bottom line is that he does not love you enough.
LaCurieuse Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 Dear LadyLost, I truly feel your pain. He has texted me over the last few weeks a few times until I finally texted him back 'leave me alone'. That hurt a lot. Of course what I want is him to never leave me alone. I thought this was so clever; utterly sad, and clever. Of course you want him, but you want all of him; so you are forced to reject him in his partial form. Things will get better. I am proud of you. 2
Author LadyLost Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 (edited) Fitz, I am not saying you are wrong. But having gone through this A I have learnt that love is not enough. No situation is black or white and in my case, there were children to consider. Again, you may be right. But he tried. He left twice and went home both times within a few days. He tried so hard. Anyway.. For what its worth, i believe he is absolutley in the right place. For him, he made the right decision. As he sees it, the only decision. None of it matters now, not really.. Hi LaCurieuse, yup, pretty bittersweet. I know it's not healthy to wait for his next email or text. To want so much that he will change his mind, know without doubt he will not. But yes, can't say I have done it with a stiff upper lip or anything, but I have done it none the less. I just need to stay 'strong'. Know there is no going back, know the worst must surely be over. Edited September 9, 2012 by LadyLost 2
AnotherRound Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 So sorry you are in that moment now. It's a terribly painful place to be. But you know it will get better, it just won't go fast enough. I hate that It really is all about processing and coping skills. Processing the pain, and then using your coping skills to work through it. To me, it's harder work than physical labor, this emotional labor we all must do at some point in our lives. Just know that we are a resilient species, and that we do have the tools necessary to get to the other side. Sending you healing thoughts.
rhw Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 yesterday marked exactly 6 months to the day i last heard from xMM. it's been hell but as you saw from my "letting go" thread, i've lost count of how many days of NC it's been for me, and he is slowly getting smaller in my rear view mirror. stay the course. complete NC really is the only thing that helps because you eventually get to where you forget just how long it's been. you'll get there.
Silly_Girl Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 Love is absolutely, without a shadow of a doubt, NOT enough. True, Ladylost. Try not to fight how you feel, the more you try to work it all out, the more - in my experience - it hurts. Be your own best friend. Be gentle and kind to yourself. Get as much fresh air, sunlight, exercise as you can and post often as you need. Good luck
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