confundida Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 (edited) I am in a very confusing relationship. He was married when we met. I was in a long-term relationship. There was an obvious (unspoken) attraction between us but a very strong friendship bond as well that went outside of the attraction. We tried to be friends, but it just wasn't happening. My then-boyfriend was jealous. We stopped talking. A year later, we crossed paths again and discovered that he was separated from his wife and my boyfriend and I had broken up. He was hesitant to get involved with me because he was freshly single (it had been like 3 months at that point) and wanted to get out and date for a while. We stayed in touch as friends. He was kind of casually dating but not really going anywhere with it... it was obvious the attraction between he and I was too strong and within a couple of months, we got together and started dating exclusively. But I was very jealous and wary with him. He says he's never met anyone like me and that he always wants me in his life and things like that, but it's always felt like he has one foot sort of out the door looking at other women. He's almost 32 and I'm his second sexual partner ever. When he dated around between his wife and me, he never actually had sex with anyone. Sometime over the summer, we were both physically apart traveling, him visiting a mutual guy friend of ours, and he broke up with me because he felt things were getting too serious between us and that he had been ignoring that urge to go out and date. We bickered back and forth over this and it was obvious he was very torn up by the decision and as a result, he again didn't really go out and date... We came together again, started dating casually, non-exclusively. A few weeks in, I got very upset over how things were going--I didn't like the lack of labels between us, I didn't like how non-communicative he was about his feelings, and I felt like he was attracted to someone else despite claiming repeatedly that the girl in question wasn't his "type." I was so upset that I told him to never talk to me again and never see me again. But then, overnight, I thought that was a cheap, mean move to make, so I sent him an e-mail explaining exactly how I was feeling. We saw each other again a couple of days later, it was very obvious he was very hurt by my rejection and extremely startled by the idea of losing me. About a week after that, he left on a trip and he's been overseas for 2 weeks now. He calls me every night. It seems like he's crazy about me and excited to come back and be with me again. But while he's been away, he's been using meetup.com to meet with people. A few days ago, he went to a meetup and when he told me about it that day, he mentioned meeting this really interesting woman and how they got along great. I didn't think much of it because it was a meetup for people interested in startups... not like some singles event. But this morning, he messaged me online and I found out he made plans and went out with her one-on-one and they had spent the afternoon together riding bikes and doing stuff together. I haven't said anything about it yet or made any accusations, but the way he describes this woman in comparison to other people he's met, I suspect that there is an attraction going on. He's only there for 2 more days... but I realize that it's not a situational thing. This is the second time he's befriended a woman short-term and I've had a gut feeling that there was attraction there. Should I just let this go? I trust that he won't act on it and do anything physical, but it bugs me that he is establishing friendships with women where there is noticeable attraction. He's aware that I'm a jealous person and he doesn't like it. My jealousy the last time this came up almost tore us apart, but I don't know if I'm being paranoid or if I would be naive to ignore the feeling. Edited September 9, 2012 by confundida
Author confundida Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 (edited) He's NOT on the same page you are. He's told you numerous times that he doesn't want anything serious and that he constantly has to fight the urge to get out and see what it's like to be single and date other women. Why do you refuse to BELIEVE him when he tells you that? Hey, I'm not overlooking the fact that his behavior was hardly stellar when he was married - whether you had sex with him or not back when you were seeing him, he was still crossing the line by seeing you when he had a wife at home. That was your first red flag - that he seems to never be satisfied with what he's GOT and is always looking to trade up. Add the fact that he was a supposed virgin when he met his ex-wife and you're only the 2nd person he's ever had sex with (at 32 years old) and it's pretty simple to figure out. The guy is raring to sample everything out there. He stepped over the boundaries of his marriage and he's been stepping over the boundaries of your relationship - and you just keep taking him back each time he does it because you refuse to accept that the guy doesn't WANT to be confined to a committed relationship. What it sounds like is that he likes having you around in his life because you provide emotional and physical fulfillment for him. But you're almost like a backup, a Plan B, while he dips his feet into the dating pool and tries his 'charm' on the ladies in an effort to attract them. He's CLEARLY open to meeting someone and is going to continue acting like this until he DOES meet someone that he wants to start seeing. You keep claiming that he tells you "he never dates" when you guys break up but I don't believe him for a second. Not a second. We didn't do anything while he was married, didn't even flirt. He was incredibly awkward with me and tried to avoid a friendship with me even. Didn't even tell me he was attracted to me. It was just kind of obvious the way he looked at me, but I won't refute the fact that despite there being no physical cheating, it was still heavy emotional cheating on his part. But I've tried to not liken the two things to one another because by the time he met me, he was in the very late, unhappy stages of that marriage... not to say that's a good thing... you don't want to be with a person who jumps ship every time things start to go even a little bit sour, but it's an unfair assessment for me to make. He met his wife when he was a teenager, lost his virginity to her. I guess they broke up for a while and he dated around and had oral sex with some girls but nothing more than that. He's quite a nerd but he's attractive and very charismatic when he wants to be. The reason I'm unsure of the not wanting anything serious bit is because after we broke up the last time, after he got scared at the thought of losing me, he seemed to turn a page... and when I told him, "I've been scared to say certain things to you because I'm afraid of how you might take them, too seriously..." his response was, "Things *are* serious between us. I've accepted that." After he broke up with me and started casually dating again, we established that if we were going to date anyone, even casually, we would tell each other--so if he's not admitting that to me in the times we're apart, he's lying to me and breaking my trust and that's a much bigger issue than me being his backup girl. But really, I don't know what he's expecting of any of this. He doesn't have enough dating experience to know casual sexual relationships form... or how he can have one without becoming emotionally invested in it, which I can understand myself since I'm almost 28 and have had few sexual partners myself. And I am having a really difficult time even bringing it up because it would be so easy to do so and have him think it means I don't want him to have friends at all. I love him tremendously, but I don't know if I should just cut my losses and walk and see if things pick up at some later time and place when he's gotten all of this out of his system. Edited September 9, 2012 by confundida
Bountyman Posted September 10, 2012 Posted September 10, 2012 (edited) Cut ties dont even waste your time, if a man in really interested in you he will show you this guys playing you like a string. Yes it may hurt now but eventually you will find someone who deserves you. Love will find a way back into your heart when you find someone else worth loving more. take it from me ive been cheated on and someone had to be cruel to be kind pointless waisting your life on someone whos not willing to waste his on you. Relive yourself of this monstrosity of a man and find someone who can love you just as much as you love them Have a look at this - http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/coping/281193-all-new-no-contact-thread this is how to survive the break. Because break - you must. Edited September 10, 2012 by Bountyman
Sage45 Posted September 17, 2012 Posted September 17, 2012 I agree with the others. He's persuing and dating other women and telling you about it. You hold on based on little signals like him calling everyday when he's gone. Calling, texting, emailing...that's all easy stuff. It's lazy. His energy was focused on setting up a date with this other gal for bike rides, etc. is he putting forth that kind of effort to spend time with you or are you there for him no matter what? It seems cruel, if you're in the beginning phases of a relationship...to focus that much energy on someone else. It will likely get no better. This is the phase where he should be trying to impress you, not sharing the details of his date with some other chick. He doesn't sound dishonest, he just doesn't sound interested in you. Sorry.
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