Broken engagement, is this the end?

[doggydays]

Short back story: My (was)fiance and I have been together for 5 years, engaged for a year. Neither of us are big on tradition/ceremony and have family spread around the country so weren't in a rush to set a date. We have a good life together, are successful in our jobs, don't fight(which could be an issue in itself) and co-habitate together very well.

 

My problem: I have been feeling less physically attracted to him for a while. It's been a slow thing that I keep telling myself might change. We don't have sex very often and I don't feel the urge to initiate it. I am not a flirt and don't look at other men in that way. Sometimes I feel like there is something wrong with me. I feel like if I love him enough, my feelings will change.

 

Current state of affairs: There are other issues relating to emotional co-dependency, not building outside friendships, him not feeling comfortable around my family and social situations, among other things. Basically this all came to a head a week and a half ago and I had to address all these things that had been building up. I'm going to see a counselor this week because have my own depression related/mid life crisis issues to work through. He doesn't see how what I'm feeling about myself has to do with how I feel about him. He asked what would happen if we were getting married tomorrow and if we still would. I said I didn't know if we should and that I feel very confused about what I want. I love him, but it's changed and I don't know if the change is just a natural progression after being with someone or if it's really me falling out of love.

 

This basically resulted in breaking off the engagement and now we don't know where we stand. I feel like it shouldn't mean that we are totally over, but I don't know if our relationship dynamic is what I want (also add in the attraction issue)

 

Just sorta lost here. This doesn't feel real. It's like a bad dream. We have such a good life and have both worked really hard to get to where we are. We have fun together but I feel more like we are best-friends roommates or something. A life companion, but not a sexual partner. Oi! What to do???

Edited September 9, 2012 by doggydays

[I'm nuts]

They seem pretty small things to me, so what if he doesn't want to be around or get on so great with your family, he would be marrying you not them, not a big deal in my eyes.

 

Also when you first get together sex is important, but I think after 5 years it's cools a bit the frequency and other aspects take over and you get used to seeing the same person and it's more boring being and seeing the same person, pretty normal feelings I'd say. Sex is like cars I think sometimes, at first we love them when they are new and want to drive it all the time, after a few years we are bored of the car and want a newer more exciting model.

 

I would look at the pros and negatives and see what one comes out on top.

[beyond]

Short back story: My (was)fiance and I have been together for 5 years, engaged for a year. Neither of us are big on tradition/ceremony and have family spread around the country so weren't in a rush to set a date. We have a good life together, are successful in our jobs, don't fight(which could be an issue in itself) and co-habitate together very well.

 

My problem: I have been feeling less physically attracted to him for a while. It's been a slow thing that I keep telling myself might change. We don't have sex very often and I don't feel the urge to initiate it. I am not a flirt and don't look at other men in that way. Sometimes I feel like there is something wrong with me. I feel like if I love him enough, my feelings will change.

 

Current state of affairs: There are other issues relating to emotional co-dependency, not building outside friendships, him not feeling comfortable around my family and social situations, among other things. Basically this all came to a head a week and a half ago and I had to address all these things that had been building up. I'm going to see a counselor this week because have my own depression related/mid life crisis issues to work through. He doesn't see how what I'm feeling about myself has to do with how I feel about him. He asked what would happen if we were getting married tomorrow and if we still would. I said I didn't know if we should and that I feel very confused about what I want. I love him, but it's changed and I don't know if the change is just a natural progression after being with someone or if it's really me falling out of love.

 

This basically resulted in breaking off the engagement and now we don't know where we stand. I feel like it shouldn't mean that we are totally over, but I don't know if our relationship dynamic is what I want (also add in the attraction issue)

 

Just sorta lost here. This doesn't feel real. It's like a bad dream. We have such a good life and have both worked really hard to get to where we are. We have fun together but I feel more like we are best-friends roommates or something. A life companion, but not a sexual partner. Oi! What to do???

 

I disagree that these are small things - they are very important as is sexual attraction to a partner. Yes, these things can wain sometimes day to day, but overall you are right to worry if this feeling is gradually getting less and less. My longest relationship was 5 years and even at the end, I still wanted to rip his clothes off!

 

As you say yourself, you sound more like roommates. Go to your counsellor and talk it through with them. Whatever yo do - don't get married while you feel like this.

xx

[I'm nuts]

Maybe a better question would be is, why do you feel less attracted to him recently? What's changed, does he not keep fit, wash? beer belly, why is he less attractive?

[doggydays]

Maybe a better question would be is' date=' why do you feel less attracted to him recently? What's changed, does he not keep fit, wash? beer belly, why is he less attractive?[/quote']

 

I don't know if the initial attraction was ever there. I have a tendency to fall in love with the person while overlooking my attraction to them. I think some if it has to do with myself not wanting to feel attracted at the risk that my attraction will not be reciprocated. So I get involved with those who are attracted to me, but not me them. My previous longterm relationship was also like this and I convinced myself that I could overlook it or that I could become more attracted to them with time. Obviously I now know that if it isn't there at the beginning, there isn't much to build on.

 

I feel colder towards him and don't want to spend as much time together. And it's all the little things that have built up into the now "big" thing. We've discussed at length all the individual things and they seem "fixable" on an individual level. It's when you add them all together, that it comes to seem like it isn't going to work.

 

I think in my heart, I've already decided it's over, but feel shallow and mean if I don't "give it a chance" and put effort into it. I don't want to give up, but I don't want to go through the motions of counseling if I've already made up my mind in some sense.