Finished after 19 years together?

[Alias71]

Hi.

 

My wife and I have been together for 19 years and married for 17. I am 41 and she is 39.

 

For the first 17 years together we lived in my birthplace, England, but decided 2 years ago to move to her place of birth, the Czech Republic, with our 3 children (two girls now aged 12 and 10 and our boy who is now 7).

 

Our marriage was very happy. A few ups and downs, like for most couples, but nothing to trouble our very, solid marriage.

 

Then we moved to the Czech Republic. For the first year or so things continued in a similar vein. We were still very close and continued to do virtually everything together although she is far more gregarious than I am.

 

The 2nd year was a nightmare though. She got herself a job teaching young professionals at a big company and thoroughly enjoyed it. She became far more confident, flirtatious and started to buy sexy outfits for her work and for her social life.

 

I, on the other hand, started to to become more and more morous. I struggled with the language (as I still do) and being quite introverted and a natural loner I wasn't naturally inclined to socalise and practice what little Czech I knew.

 

She quickly became very friendly with the locals (we live in a small village where everyone knows everyone) and started to cultivate friendships with both women and men. We would go out and she would become very animated and flirtatious with the men but as many women did this I didn't really see the problem. However, as time went by I could see that she was becoming increasingly flirtatious with certain individuals and it became obvious that she was developing crushes on them. I think that it was now that I started acting very badly towards her. Whilst she was talking to her crush I would mutter very unkind words about what she should do to him (I'm extremely embarassed writing this!). If she went out with her friends I would become very agitated and would either storm down the pub and embarass her in front of her friends or wait until she got home and then verbally pummel her. I was in a very, very bad mindset.

 

This continued for about a year perhaps. Eventually things came to a head and I went back to England for a "break". She was obviously relieved to see me go but, at the same time, she was slightly tearful and hoped that the month away would make me happier and that she would be looking forward to seeing me again.

 

For the first couple of days I wrote emails and she replied but as the month continued her replies became less and less often and less detailed. My break was great for my mind and soul. I started to feel very relaxed, very in control and was managing to curb my natural volatile temper very easily but the silence from my adored wife was worrying me somewhat.

 

Eventually I decided that enough was enough and that I would go back. I bought my ticket but the day before I was due to go she wrote an email saying that she was much happier alone with the children and didn't want me back and to cap it all had just started an affair with a local guy. I was naturally devasted. However, I decided to go back as I wanted to fight for my marriage and hoped that my change in personality would be clear and noticeable and would, with a lot of patience, win her around again.

 

Things were tense for a while and we had many ups and downs and decided to give it a go. I would need to show her my desire to change and act accordingly. I was so grateful. I wasn't too upset about the affair because, firstly, she said that she would stop it and, secondly, because of my horrible behaviour I really couldn't blame her finding solace in the arms of another man.

 

After 9 days together we were getting along fine. I was really hopeful that things were on the right track. The talking was friendly and after making love in the morning things were looking quite optimistic. She was to go out with her friends for drinks and because I was in the "dog house" I wouldn't be invited to this event but probably the next one would be ok. At 8pm she left me after giving me a huge cuddle and a massive smile and off she went. At 7am, and with no explanation as to why she wasn't home, I decided to find out what was going on (her friends parties were normally quite long. Up to 4am perhaps) as she wasn't back. It transpired that she was with the guy she was having an affair with and that there was no party. She had cuddled me and had left me for the bed of another man.

 

That was 2 days ago. All my trust in her has gone. I still love her but I just don't see how it can work. She wants to work on the marriage, for the childrens' sake, and vowed that the other guy didn't want to see her again anyway as he didn't know she was married when he was with her. I just want to move on. She doesn't want to split up the children and I don't want to lose everything. I just don't know what to do. She admits that she doesn't love me anymore and is only with me out of pity but she still holds my hands on occasions (although only at night). I try to distance myself from her but I find it very, very difficult as I'm naturally a very demonstrative person.

 

I hope that this all makes sense. It's been hard writing it. I'm pretty certain I wrote all the pertinent details. Any constructive advise would be gratefully received. Thank you for taking the time to read my sad tale.

[karnak]

 

After 9 days together we were getting along fine. I was really hopeful that things were on the right track. The talking was friendly and after making love in the morning things were looking quite optimistic. She was to go out with her friends for drinks and because I was in the "dog house" I wouldn't be invited to this event but probably the next one would be ok. At 8pm she left me after giving me a huge cuddle and a massive smile and off she went. At 7am, and with no explanation as to why she wasn't home, I decided to find out what was going on (her friends parties were normally quite long. Up to 4am perhaps) as she wasn't back. It transpired that she was with the guy she was having an affair with and that there was no party. She had cuddled me and had left me for the bed of another man.

 

That was 2 days ago. All my trust in her has gone. I still love her but I just don't see how it can work. She wants to work on the marriage, for the childrens' sake, and vowed that the other guy didn't want to see her again anyway as he didn't know she was married when he was with her. I just want to move on. She doesn't want to split up the children and I don't want to lose everything. I just don't know what to do. She admits that she doesn't love me anymore and is only with me out of pity but she still holds my hands on occasions (although only at night). I try to distance myself from her but I find it very, very difficult as I'm naturally a very demonstrative person.

 

 

Sorry, man. But I think your marriage is over. It was probably over when she cheated for the first time.

 

If she cheated a second time it means she has lost all respect for you.

 

Besides, you're together for a very long time. When true love is involved time can strengthen the emotional bonds. Or, considering we're talking about weak relationships, just erode them.

 

That is what's happening.

 

Be strong for your kids. Focus your attention on them now. I honestly don't think your wife wants to sacrifica anything for you.

[ace5950]

Could your wife be any more cruel? Staying together for children is stupid. Kids are smart, they will figure it out and that is not setting a good example for your children. Her only telling you she wants to be with you out of pitty? What a Bitch. I don't blame you for not trusting her. Also there is no excuse for an affair, regardless of how your marriage is going, so don't blame yourself for that. You both are still young and have many, many years a head of you so there is no point in spending them miserable.

[Alias71]

Sorry, man. But I think your marriage is over. It was probably over when she cheated for the first time.

 

If she cheated a second time it means she has lost all respect for you.

 

Besides, you're together for a very long time. When true love is involved time can strengthen the emotional bonds. Or, considering we're talking about weak relationships, just erode them.

 

That is what's happening.

 

Be strong for your kids. Focus your attention on them now. I honestly don't think your wife wants to sacrifica anything for you.

 

Thanks for that. Not what I wanted to hear but sometimes the truth sucks.

 

The kids are the problem. If only she'd agree to me having at least 1 of them then I'd be off tomorrow but she won't.

 

She said that, for the sake of the kids, she'd stop seeing the guy. I just don't believe her. On top of that I have little leverage in the situation. If she went with him what could I do? Leave with 1 child, who's unsure as to whether she wants to be with me or with her Mum, and sour any friendship that my wife could have (she still does care for me in her own strange way) and I have which, intern, could cause great difficulties for me seeing the other 2.

 

It's so hard. I don't know whether she's having some mid-life crisis. Before this guy she'd only ever been with me. She'll hit 40 in December. I'm probably clutching at straws here.

[Alias71]

Could your wife be any more cruel? Staying together for children is stupid. Kids are smart, they will figure it out and that is not setting a good example for your children. Her only telling you she wants to be with you out of pitty? What a Bitch. I don't blame you for not trusting her. Also there is no excuse for an affair, regardless of how your marriage is going, so don't blame yourself for that. You both are still young and have many, many years a head of you so there is no point in spending them miserable.

 

It was a huge, huge shock. I have to say that until I left for England 6 weeks ago I considered my wife as probably the nicest and sweetest person I had ever known.

 

The children know everything. I probably went about it the wrong way but on the day that she came home at 7am I told the children everything. I probably shouldn't have done it but I needed to ascertain which of them would be willing to move back to England with me. The oldest was unsure, the middle one was siding slightly with me (though she has no passport which is a complete pain) and the youngest one is very close to his mother.

 

I agree with you that staying together solely for the children is pointless in the long run. However, when you see the tears rolling down their faces when you say that you're going to split up it's very, very difficult to then do it. I think we all an inbuilt device not to cause our children pain.

 

Our short term future is assured (unless she decides to give me what I want). I expect to be with her for the next few weeks at least. After that, who knows.

 

As I said before I just hope that this is some big, mid-life crisis. My wife is just a shell of the person I knew just a few short weeks ago.

[karnak]

 

It's so hard. I don't know whether she's having some mid-life crisis. Before this guy she'd only ever been with me. She'll hit 40 in December. I'm probably clutching at straws here.

 

Are you sure this was her first affair? It seems she was very relaxed about the entire situation. Almost as if she was comfortable with the thought of having another man. I don't want to bother you any more, but considering all the stories of female affairs (and you can see plenty in LS) it seems that it was not the first time she was dealing with a double life.

[Alias71]

Are you sure this was her first affair? It seems she was very relaxed about the entire situation. Almost as if she was comfortable with the thought of having another man. I don't want to bother you any more, but considering all the stories of female affairs (and you can see plenty in LS) it seems that it was not the first time she was dealing with a double life.

 

I must admit I'm not sure how to answer this. I don't really know what you mean by "very relaxed about the entire solution".

 

When she came in I cornered her in the toilet and asked her if she was continuing with the affair. She looked down for a few seconds before coming up with a rather pitiful affirmative. She was very submissive about the thing.

 

She does flit between being hard, dismissive and rude to being apologetic, sad and regretful and I never know which way she'll turn.

 

Is it her first affair? Can't be certain, of course, but I believe so. She didn't want me back and said that she had started an affair whilst I was in England. If she had had an affair before this one wouldn't she have mentioned it in the email thus making it even clearer to me that it was definitely over? That's my take on it anyhow.

 

Thanks for the comments. I'm also in constant touch with my brother via email and have found that this method is very therepeutic for me.

[Steadfast]

What your wife experienced in her new 'circle' of friends is what wives and women are experiencing all over the world. Somehow, someway, she was persuaded (and perhaps by no one but herself) that her life with you was selling her short. She wanted to be desired...wanted to know she could still attract a man and fearing many things, (age, social position, fulfillment) she made the decision to move towards that and away from you.

 

Very much a twisted plan, your reaction was exactly what she wanted and expected. Not to worry; having your wife step out brings out the worst in most men. It's a lose-lose. This is an old cheater's trick; betray, then point an accusing finger at the betrayed for their behavior. It is an evil action.

 

Talk to a local attorney and find out your rights as a father. Demand no less than what you are entitled to. To push the situation to a quick conclusion, encourage your wife to pursue her lover and tell her you do not wish to be married to someone who breaks their promises and in turn, hurts a family that had no say in the decision. She's bad. Let her go.

 

Repeat: Do not talk about the marriage, beg or try to reason. Let her go.

 

A better life and a better love awaits elsewhere. I know you are hurting. What she's offering is just not good enough. A sub par life at best.

[standtall]

Sorry to hear your pain dude. IMHO, she has done checked out and burned the marriage to the ground on the way out. You need to focus on moving on now...there is no hope for this one.

[Alias71]

Thanks guys for your comments.

 

I must admit I was hoping for someone to see some optimism but can't be helped.

 

An update is that it's all very confusing. For the sake of the children I have decided to stay on for a while. So far no strategy has been put in place for anything. My wife keeps on changing her mind. I don't know if she's doing this on purpose or because she is truly confused.

 

It appears that she has "feelings" for the guy she's having an affair with (although she is consistent in her belief that he doesn't seem to be someone she can build a future on). I put my case forward as to why she should choose me over him and she agrees with my logic but wants a 2nd opinion (possibly from her sister). Her heart says leave me (and, presumably, continue the affair with the guy) but her head says stay with me and hope to rekindle the love we had for so long. The problem is that she admits herself that she has lied on many occasions.

 

Thanks, Steadfast and standtall for your replies. No doubt both of you are shaking your head and disagreeing with my strategy and you're probably right. My thinking is that I've been hurt and am still hurting. Can I hurt anymore and if I did then couldn't it rebound on my wife? One of the things I've done is taken the passports and put them in a "safe" place. Eventually if my wife continues to hurt me than I'll have far less qualms to use them to take my eldest daughter and son back to Britain than I would at the moment when I still have a little hope.

 

Anyhow, she's out swimming with a female friend so I have a little restbite from the tension that surrounds us.

 

Anymore comments would be welcome. I will continue to give updates over the coming days/weeks/months. This'll probably end sour but whilst I have a tiny amount of hope I'll continue to persevere in this relationship for a while if only for the children sakes.

Edited September 17, 2012 by Alias71

[worldgonewrong]

This'll probably end sour but whilst I have a tiny amount of hope I'll continue to persevere in this relationship for a while if only for the children sakes.

 

One basic tenet: you can't persevere in the relationship if the OTHER person won't. It's that simple. It's a basic, hard truth that many of us hurting have had to accept.

[karnak]

You want to keep a relationship with a person, even knowing she doesn't love you?

 

That's almost like marrying a zombie.

 

It's just not... psychologically healthy.

[chuzzbug]

Your post started with the subject line "Finished after 19 years together?"

 

I think you know the answer to this question - yes.

 

The situation you describe is awful - I am very sorry that you're in it. Your wife's behaviour is unacceptable, selfish, inhumane, cruel.

 

She is flushed with the attention from a new crowd after the move, and it seems that you have a lower evaluation. This cannot be the basis for a marriage.

 

When our partners transgress across a limit, it is our natural tendency to redrawn the line to accomodate them. Some limits can be moved without issue (compromise) while others cannot (self-immolation).

 

Your relationship has all the ingredients for a toxic soup. You don't want to feed this to your children.