Elfy89 Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 I just broke up with my 4 1/2 years boyfriend yesterday evening. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, as he was my first love (I'm 23) and everything I have known for the past 5 years. I won't go into details of my reasons to end the relationship but my decision was made and although I feel horrible and extremely hurt and lonely right now, I still don't think I really regret it. I probably will in the next months, but I will get through it. The thing is, my boyfriend was a really sweet person and, even though things weren't going well for a while, he still loves me like crazy, to the point that he said that if I was going to be happy with someone else he would let me go and be happy for me. He is hoping I will come back to him some day. I did feed him a little hope while breaking up because he has depression/suicidal ideas issues and I want him to be strong and keep on living, even if it is on hope for a little while. So I told him that maybe we will meet up again when we are older and ready to be together for longer. Anyways, he was of course devastated and I told him I would be there for him, as a friend, if he needed me. I know that is wrong but I still care SO much about him, I can't let him destroy himself and it kills me to know he is hurting so much and still loving me so much. So right now I feel like writing him an email saying that I am here if he needs me (as a friend only) and that he needs to be strong. Also that he will always have a place in my heart and that I hope we can be close again someday. I know about the no contact rule, but each situation is unique so I'm wondering if it would help him, in my case, to write that email. Or should I just stay away for a while? I don't want him to think that I don't care about him, because I do a lot! Just not in the way he wants... What should I do? (sorry for the long rambling message...) Thank you
TaraMaiden Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 Read the "All-New Caliguy No Contact Guide" in my signature. It's written FOR the POV of someone who's been dumped - but it will give you the precise perspective of what you, as the ender of the relationship, should absolutely never ever do. And everything you say in your post - is basically covered by "things you should never, ever do." Do NOT keep in touch with him, especially as a 'friend'. Do NOT give him false hopes. Also known as 'Breadcrumbs'. Do NOT keep him on a back-burner ('I did feed him a little hope'....) I know you mean to be kind, but you'll end up prolonging the agony, and killing him. Read the guide. Please.
Dblock10 Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 i think the best thing in my honest opinion, would be to tell him that there isnt anyone else who you want to be with, you just want to have your own space (unless there is someone?) and that you think its best that you guys dont talk for a while so you can both adjust to life without the other being there. of course your'll always be there but not right "now" disappearing off the face of the earth was the hardest thing for me when my first love left me for someone else.
Author Elfy89 Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 I read it... It hurts, but I understand and I will try to stick to what it says. I just don't want him to suffer, that's all. But I know that's unavoidable... I almost wish we had ended on bad terms or of mutual decision, not just with me breaking his heart and mine at the same time Thank you for your advice
TaraMaiden Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 Please understand: until he can see you, standing with another man's arm around your waist, giving you an affectionate kiss on the cheek, and feel only Benign Indifference, ("I'm very happy for her, but...meh... so what?") then he will be in no fit state to have you in his life. At all. Not even a tiny bit. You have to detach. Because part of this "Continued support" you had wanted to give him, by "Being there for him" was to give yourself validation, and make you feel better and not so guilty. Really, being honest.... wasn't it? Well, it's done, and it's done, and it is what it is. And now - even if he continually contacts you - you MUST above everything else, ignore it.
Calico Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 ... not just with me breaking his heart and mine at the same time I don't know how to put this more politely, but it was your choice, and you certainly have every right to end a relationship if you no longer want to be with someone, but you probably should not complain about your broken heart. He had no choice.
Author Elfy89 Posted September 9, 2012 Author Posted September 9, 2012 you probably should not complain about your broken heart. He had no choice. You are right, I shouldn't complain, but I can't deny that I am hurting too. As I said, I care deeply for him as a person (not as a lover anymore) and I've always felt hurt when he was hurting. I guess that doesn't disappear in a day. I also feel the sense of loss because he is gone from my life.
barese1 Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 This is a hard one. I have been on the other end of this and knew my ex wanted to make sure i was ok but kept NC as she knew it would be best for me. Even when she heard my mother was ill she didn't want o give me false hope. It hurts like hell but I guess it is for the best although I think I would've liked to have been told. It may of helped if she had told me or emailed me that she was sorry but just didn't see my that way anymore (it would've hurt but you have to squash false hope, really) and that she cared about me and wants the best for me and so will go NC just so that I could move on. Maybe being told she would be there if i ever wanted to chat, but only as friends. This would all hurt but I think it would help maybe ... i Know others disagree. I could've called at any time but didn't, it depends what your ex is like. If he will ring all the time then you have to be careful what you say, if you believe he can be strong enought to stay away it may help him. The hardest part (other than the ex not wanting me as a boyfriend) was believing she didn't give a sh*t about me in any capacity.
Hawaii50 Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 I read the title as "I ended it and now I want to watch him suffer"
barese1 Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 I read the title as "I ended it and now I want to watch him suffer" Ha, I think relief from her own guilt may play a part but not wanting to watch him suffer
JSJS Posted September 9, 2012 Posted September 9, 2012 I also feel the sense of loss because he is gone from my life. The sense of loss is inevitable since you were close. Imagine how he feels. Do you think you would still feel such a sense of loss if you meet someone new or do you just want to keep him around until then? I'm not trying to be harsh but I'm not clear what you expect from him.
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