In a weird place with husband... maybe he cheated, but maybe not?

[Phoenix In Flight]

I honestly don't know what to think about all of this right now...

 

A little back story- My husband and I have been through a hell of a lot in our relationship, with things really coming to a boiling point recently with us getting really venomous towards each other. A lot of anger and resentment just came boiling over and things were said by both of us... me saying things to him that I knew would hit him where it hurt the most, and it worked, apparently...

 

Fast forward to this week, where by googling his user name I happened upon a post by him on a forum asking about apps for his phone that would hide contacts & texts. So I confronted him about it, and he tells me that during our last major fight (the dates do match up, from the weekend of the fight to when he made this post), the things I said to him made him so angry that he just wanted revenge, to hurt me as much as I hurt him, and he thought that cheating would be like that last big "screw you!" before we split. Apparently he entertained this idea for the day and felt too guilty to go through with actually seeking out an affair. He claims there was nobody in mind for this purpose, and he hadn't even gotten far enough to figure out where he would find this person, and that was that. He swears nothing happened.

 

I'm not even sure what to believe. He has always been very anti cheating, where I on the other hand, don't even believe that being with one person is natural, but I choose to be monogamous because I chose to marry him! It's not shocking to me that people cheat, because I feel like it's not really in our nature to be with one person, though we CAN if our will is strong enough! But my big thing is that if you feel like you are going to stray, BE HONEST and leave the relationship!

 

Anyway, he is adamant that nothing beyond considering it ever happened... but who really knows? It's just so out of character for him to be a cheater, if he really has that in him, why not lie to me about it, too?

 

Also, when I found this post and confronted him about it, we were already planning on separating. That was thrown out there a few nights before during a different fight. *sigh* So it's not like he was needing to lie to get away with something or prevent a break up... and I wasn't even mad or looking for a fight, it was more like, is there something I need to know here? And he supposedly wanted to hurt me with the affair plan, so why not use it now?

 

 

Oh, and to make the situation really weird, we're getting along better now than we have in months... Just like old times! He's acting like he wants this all to work out now. Like suddenly everything is out there and the anger is gone... But I don't know if I want to go forward and work things out. I do love him, but there's that issue of rebuilding trust now because of this.

 

So, like I said, I don't know what to think? Did he or didn't he go through with it? What would you think in this situation?

[TaraMaiden]

No, he didn't.

I actually completely agree with you on this, and have said so many times here on forum:

 

I on the other hand, don't even believe that being with one person is natural, but I choose to be monogamous because I chose to marry him! It's not shocking to me that people cheat, because I feel like it's not really in our nature to be with one person, though we CAN if our will is strong enough! But my big thing is that if you feel like you are going to stray, BE HONEST and leave the relationship!

 

The clue is in the "On the other hand".

I think he did it to possibly hurt you, sure, but I'm certain - given his normal tendency and opinion - he would not have it in him to carry it through.

 

It's a bit like hypnosis. people lose inhibitions under hypnosis, but you still can't get them to do things that in their awakened state they wouldn't do. You can't hypnotise a pacifist and turn him into an assassin, I mean....

 

He was angry, and did something uninhibited - but he couldn't actually go against his own nature.

 

I wish I could be with you both.

I think you'd benefit from a couples Counselling workshop/programme I used to run.

You guys lack the tools for effective communication, and it turns into an "I must win this at all costs!" slanging match....

[BetrayedH]

I would normally advise you to go into full-on investigative mode (and I still think this is something you should consider).

 

That said, my gut says that he is being honest about what his intentions were after that fight. I have been reading here for about a year and a half (beginning when I first suspected my wife of cheating) and have seen a lot of consistency in the way cheaters react. It is utterly remarkable how they all do the same thing. Your spouse is not fitting the mold (although I don't trust anyone at this point).

 

As to your relationship, I think step 1 is YOU deciding whether or not you are going to stay committed to your marriage. I took my vows pretty damn seriously when I said them and even tried to reconcile with my wife after discovering some pretty heinous stuff. My ethics say that I made that decision a long time ago and I went into that lifetime commitment with full knowledge that it was for a lifetime and that there would be bad times (and perhaps even heinous ones). If I wasn't going to keep that commitment, I had no business dragging along someone else that was dedicating their life to me under false pretenses. In my view, you're arguing. Welcome to marriage. What makes marriage a beautiful and worthwhile thing is that you stick thru those times and get to the better ones. Your mileage may vary. I just don't get people that will up and cheat or just plain quit a marriage. Did someone trick you or something? Did you not understand the length of the commitment? I don't mean to be insulting. I'm just sharing my view that you should probably stick to your commitment.

 

You need to make a choice one way or another.

 

If you choose to stay, then take advantage of the momentum that you currently have going. Read books. Get into marriage counseling. And stop the stupid extreme fighting nonsense. Agree that neither of you will raise your voices. No yelling, no screaming, and no swearing. Learn how to communicate with each other. MC is typically a safe place to do it (third party holding you each accountable to these kinds of standards) and it can start to foster better habits that you'll follow on your own eventually. At some point you have to realize that it the two of you against the world. You are partners. Why we choose to treat the person we love the most with the most contempt is a true mystery but we all seem to do it. You probably wouldn't speak that way to the person you hate the most in the universe but somehow it's ok to talk that way to the person who has dedicated more to you than anyone else on Earth.

 

Good luck.

[GLDheart]

...he just wanted revenge, to hurt me as much as I hurt him...

 

What are you not telling us? Did you once have an affair? Maybe an emotional affair with another man? Why is he so hurt?

 

A saying that I learned here in these forums that says it with as few words as possible:

 

"Hurt People Hurt People."

[Phoenix In Flight]

What are you not telling us? Did you once have an affair? Maybe an emotional affair with another man? Why is he so hurt?

 

Never. Not even close. If I were to ever get to that point, I'd end the relationship.

 

It's a long story with painful details... but the short version is this- A few years back we lost a baby to stillbirth. It completely devastated us. There were things going on at the time, stresses in our life caused by his family, that contributed to the loss, I believe. Anyway, for a long time I resented him for that. I basically blamed him. It's not fair, but was how I felt. Because of that, I pushed him away a lot. By the time I worked through my grief, he was so worn down by it all that he was then cold. We both wanted things to work, but it was just so hard for us to ever be on the same page by that point.

 

Anyway, the hurt I caused him was by constantly pushing him away; resenting him. He says I made him feel worthless. Cheating for him would have made him feel like he wasn't worthless, I guess.

 

So the reason for finally getting to the point of wanting to separate was because we just seemed to not be able to get on the same page and get along, no matter how hard we tried. It's just been try, fail, repeat... all time time. It wore us down.

 

Now this. If I hated him for the thoughts of cheating (or actually cheating, if that truly is the case) it'd be easy to walk away for good. But now we're getting along great, talking like we haven't in a long time... no anger... but yet the trust is broken, because he went against the one thing I asked him not to do. And that was to be honest and leave if he wanted to be with someone else, for whatever reason.

"Hurt People Hurt People."

So true. Edited September 10, 2012 by Phoenix In Flight

[GLDheart]

You talk about him losing your trust and that's fine. It is YOUR trust after all. You get to decide who you give it to.

 

However, for me, his openness about "thinking about it" would actually earn my trust. I know, I know, he admitted to foul thoughts but atleast he didn't hide it. If my ex fiancee had come to me and said "I need something different" or "I'm tempted to hurt you back for something you did in the past" or whatever, I would have thanked her.

 

But she lost my trust by doing the opposite. When I sensed something was off, she replied things were fine. When I said, I don't like the way this looks, she covered her tracks until I was at ease.

 

Again you have every right to your feelings but atleast you know where your husband stands.

[Phoenix In Flight]

That's the problem... If I 100% believed him, it wouldn't be an issue, my trust would still be mostly, if not completely, intact. But right now, there's still that little "what if" in my head... what if his story is a lie? What if he did do something, and now regrets it and can't tell me? I mostly don't even believe that, I think the guilt would eat at him... But really, who knows? Even when we think we know a person so well, there are still surprises!

 

I guess if I decide to move forward and try to work things out, I'm going to just have to accept whatever happened (just a thought or possibly more) as the past and trust that it's done. That part is on me, and I'm just not sure where I stand yet. I go back and forth between thinking I would want, NEED, to know ALL the details if something did happen so I could fully move on, to thinking "what's the point?" especially if I don't believe it would happen again if we were to go forward 100% committed to working things out. One thing I do know is that he is NOT the type to just go out and screw around because he's a pig... if he did, I believe it would be a huge mistake to him that would not happen again! Anyway... It's a confusing time!

 

Thanks for giving me a place to think out loud a little! I have NOBODY to talk to this about IRL!

Edited September 10, 2012 by Phoenix In Flight

[GLDheart]

This isn't much of a consolation but I'll give you some guys perspective.

 

As a committed man in a relationship it is not typically a "one day process" to go out and get laid. It usually takes some building up. That's why most affairs happen with someone you work with etc... you need that time to build the attraction and foster the comfort to take it to the next level.

 

I think most of the guys here will attest to this. We could walk out PISSED as all hell and... then what? Begin the process of seducing a woman one step at a time to line her all up for... a quick screw? Most women would see us coming a mile away and shut that $hit down.

 

Unless he has some relationship built up or is willing to sleep with a prostitute, he doesn't sound like he "did" the dead... even if for a moment he was worked up enough to do it.

 

I think you are thinking like a woman. Yes, any halfway decent lady can squeeze in a revenge affair in about as much time as it takes to find a suitably attractive guy to cross her path. For us guys, it just doesn't work that way.

[Phoenix In Flight]

Heh, you're definitely right about all of that. I was totally thinking as a woman and how easy it would be to find quick and easy sex... And he is in a very male dominated field, not a lot of women around there for sure!

 

I asked him what exactly his plan was, and he told me he hadn't even gotten that far... that he entertained the thought and then felt too guilty and knew he couldn't do it. I just thought it was weird that he went out of his way to ask on a forum how to hide his contacts and such... that just doesn't seem like something that would be considered at the first thoughts of such a thing, but rather something that you think about when you actually need to cover something up. Any thoughts about that?

[GLDheart]

I'd forget about that small detail and focus on something more paramount. Like this:

 

...the hurt I caused him was by constantly pushing him away; resenting him. He says I made him feel worthless....

 

THAT is a real problem. THAT is what would "open the door" for him to be suseptible to an emotional affair... that is what would lead to him cheating if anything could.

 

He doesn't sound all that weak to me. He had the courage to be fairly honest with you. Most cheaters are too terrified to face even as much as he did with you... BUT if he consistently feels valueless to you in this relationship that could lead to a layering on of the problems.

 

Not everyone decides cheating is the answer, but just be careful there. My thoughts are: Work on that resentment if you care about saving the relationship.